Vintage79 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Just curious, what kind of connection do people experience on a first date from an online source? Is it usually pretty good - and you want to go out with them again? Is it kind of neutral, neither good nor bad, just friendly conversation with no spark? Hatred, and you want to scrape your eyes out? If you have lots of experience - what percentage fall into each bucket? And how rigorous is your screen prior to meeting them?
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I have never experienced any real chemistry with online dates. The whole set-up is very contrived It is kind of like a the last frontier, when you have exhausted all your other avenues but desparetly need a partner. In the 'olden days you would just stay unmarried. In today's world, people are really into forcing things.
Boundary Problem Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I have never experienced any real chemistry with online dates. The whole set-up is very contrived It is kind of like a the last frontier, when you have exhausted all your other avenues but desparetly need a partner. In the 'olden days you would just stay unmarried. In today's world, people are really into forcing things. 1. I agree the set-up is contrived. I don't do online dating for that reason. I like to see a man's reaction as I move. Part of the fun for me. 2. "Olden days" were days of mail-order brides. God help you if you were late to pick her up from the train station, because she would be married to some other desperate guy before you trotted up with your horse and buggy. The mail order brides literally could pick from 20 good men at the train station as it pulled up to make her decision. Problem is - back then - there was no divorce.....so choose well. Today's world - I see the opposite. I don't see anyone who wants to get married. Too many people don't know their own mind, or they are deceptive, and the whole institution must be founded on common values - which seem to be missing in today's society. At least in the "olden days" - there was a sharing of common values via regular church attendance etc. Today it is a free-for-all and doesn't seem to work well, in my opinion. Almost too many choices, so we make no choice.
Author Vintage79 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Basically, I've been trying the online world, but the chemistry relative to the people I've met in real life seems to be a bit off. For me, the first meeting with the online persona, while generally an interesting experience, generally lacks any spark - likely due to the contrived aspect you described. I'm curious - has anyone tried going out with a "mediocre" online date a second time to see if things are any different, as presumably much of the anticipation, nervousness, and pseudo-blind date characteristics have worn off, allowing you to actually form a bit more of a connection. Right now, it seems like 90% of the online dates are duds, or least lack the chemistry to warrant further pursuit...is this normal or is it just my lame dating skills. Probably 1/3-1/2 of the dates from other sources seem to have some sort of chemistry (obviously, there was some sort of initial "chemistry" screen, however, in those scenarios).
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 BP, You make some valid points. At least in the olden days there wasn't so much multi-dating, bed hopping and STD swapping. People usually dated with the intention of getting married. Things were simple. I always said that I wish I was born a 100 years ago.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Basically, I've been trying the online world, but the chemistry relative to the people I've met in real life seems to be a bit off. For me, the first meeting with the online persona, while generally an interesting experience, generally lacks any spark - likely due to the contrived aspect you described. I'm curious - has anyone tried going out with a "mediocre" online date a second time to see if things are any different, as presumably much of the anticipation, nervousness, and pseudo-blind date characteristics have worn off, allowing you to actually form a bit more of a connection. Right now, it seems like 90% of the online dates are duds, or least lack the chemistry to warrant further pursuit...is this normal or is it just my lame dating skills. Probably 1/3-1/2 of the dates from other sources seem to have some sort of chemistry (obviously, there was some sort of initial "chemistry" screen, however, in those scenarios). I have tried going for second and third dates but chemistry was still at level zero. All of my online dates have been duds. Interestingly, one of my ex bfs, to whom I felt the strongest spark ever - I rejected based on his online profile. Basically he messaged me via a dating site and I rejected him because I didn't like his pics or his profile. Six months later, we met through friends. We hit it off and had the most amazing chemsitry ever (yet online I wasn't even interested enough to go on a single date with him). It just shows how off the whole online selection proccess is.
Boundary Problem Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm curious - has anyone tried going out with a "mediocre" online date a second time to see if things are any different, as presumably much of the anticipation, nervousness, and pseudo-blind date characteristics have worn off, allowing you to actually form a bit more of a connection. Right now, it seems like 90% of the online dates are duds, or least lack the chemistry to warrant further pursuit...is this normal or is it just my lame dating skills. I think there are two screens for the first date: 1. BASIC chemistry 2. BASIC personality Even if someone is nervous, you can still screen for #1 and #2 on the first date. eg. I went on a POF date and he was 5'3" with shoes on. I'm 5'8". Game over e.g. I went on a POF date and he was good on #1, but on personality - he actually told me he wanted me to dominate him in all things. Exit stage left. I need a man with SOME dominance. So yeah, I've stopped internet dating. I think nervousness is on any type of date until you trust - what to expect that evening - is pretty normal. I don't think nervousness is the issue. We all have it, but we get over it. I think we are pretty picky with online dating. If it was someone you saw every day for a year, before going on a date, you would be a lot more tolerant (I'm thinking of dating someone through work as an example). ie we seem to be more ruthless with online dating candidates.
meerkat stew Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I find first dates from online to be more intense. I've almost never had regularly met women want to makeout heavily or have sex on a first date, but it happens more often than not from net dates. The reason may be that net met dates tend to have less preexisting social structure (mutual acquaintances, parents know each other, etc.) between the parties, so inhibitions start out lower. Don't know for sure why though.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I think it depends largely on WHERE you met them online. Online dating, I'm really not a fan of anymore. As someone mentioned already, it's too contrived. But the current guy I'm dating, we did meet online. However - it was not an online dating site. It was a common interest group and our chemistry and compatibility is fantastic.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I have been out with about 8 different girls in 6 weeks from online dating. none of the first dates had tons of chemistry, but some were better than others. my screening process is rather intense, so I know a good deal about them prior to the date. usually 7 emails back and forth minimum. that being said, i think it takes at least two dates for me to judge chemistry. if the convo is good and im attracted to her, ill go for a second date; if not, i usually just stop talking to them right after date 1.
paddington bear Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I read today that someone is launching a dating site where the chemistry will be pre-matched. 'Chemistry' is all to do with having different enough genetics to have healthy children apparently. So with this dating site you have to get cheek swabs and they analyse them and then find genetically compatible possibilities for you. And the best news is...it costs a couple of thousand dollars to join (for the science bit!!). Wondering if this will work any better than going purely on looks alone...doubt it, I think attraction is too complex for science to find us 'the perfect partner'
Author Vintage79 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I've been a scientist in the biological sciences, and have started a few healthcare companies - I can say with certainty that what they're doing will not match for conversational/romantic chemistry. What they're doing is doing a genetic match to make sure that any kids turn out alright. From the tests that would likely be employed, the couldn't really do much more. Moreover, there are already site that match based on well known psychological profiles (like Myers Briggss) - think eHarmony. Truthfully, the psychological profile would likely work better than the genetics, as the psych profile wouldn't be present in your genes. My guess is the matching process is no better than elsewhere. The difference is you'd be self selecting into a very wealthy group, given the required upfront costs, so it may make things easier in that sense, in particular for the guys.
Author Vintage79 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I have been out with about 8 different girls in 6 weeks from online dating. none of the first dates had tons of chemistry, but some were better than others. my screening process is rather intense, so I know a good deal about them prior to the date. usually 7 emails back and forth minimum. that being said, i think it takes at least two dates for me to judge chemistry. if the convo is good and im attracted to her, ill go for a second date; if not, i usually just stop talking to them right after date 1. Hey Steve, how have your second dates gone relative to the first, given that the first dates weren't amazing? Were they better, worse, or about the same?
thats what i said Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm curious - has anyone tried going out with a "mediocre" online date a second time to see if things are any different, as presumably much of the anticipation, nervousness, and pseudo-blind date characteristics have worn off, allowing you to actually form a bit more of a connection. Right now, it seems like 90% of the online dates are duds, or least lack the chemistry to warrant further pursuit...is this normal or is it just my lame dating skills. Probably 1/3-1/2 of the dates from other sources seem to have some sort of chemistry (obviously, there was some sort of initial "chemistry" screen, however, in those scenarios). I've done one or two second dates with mediocre online dates. It was just as dull or lacking chemistry as the first. So, now after a first date if I'm not feeling it for whatever reason, I won't go on a second date with them.
someotherguy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I think online dating is just like any other human enterprise - you get out of it what you put into it. So, if you invest a respectable amount of time, energy, and thought into the process, you will be rewarded accordingly. I have a hard time believing that every bad date from an online matching site would have been avoided if the dater in question had pursued "traditional methods" instead, I think it's nonsense. Are the odds slightly higher of having bad dates online rather than through friends, coworkers, etc? Absolutely. But only because in those other methods, there are interested third parties helping you in the selection process. Online, you have only yourself to blame for not reading someone's profile carefully, or not asking the right questions before the date, or whatever. Maybe that's part of the problem, maybe people don't want to take full responsibility for their failed dates? Just to be honest, I was on match for a while, and went on maybe 12-14 dates with various women before finding someone I meshed with really well. Some of the other women were total nutjobs, and others could have been potential girlfriends, but I didn't get a full on butterflies-in-my-stomach effect, so I cut em loose. However, in my profile, I was totally honest and upfront, and didn't sugarcoat anything, and the first thing many of the women told me was that they were intimidated by my profile. Go figure.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Hey Steve, how have your second dates gone relative to the first, given that the first dates weren't amazing? Were they better, worse, or about the same? they were better, but not by much. Maybe its me.... with my last GF (not met online) i knew pretty much instantly i wanted to date her. So far online, I have been on 2 second dates and none have been 'great'. That being said, I have a third date tomorrow night - so i'll let you know! its definitely less stressful the second time and easier to talk and be yourself. you have both agreed to a second date, so you know there is at least SOME mutual attraction...
Crazy Magnet Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Unless it was an absolute nightmare, I usually gave the guy a second date if chemistry was sort of there. People get nervous, especially on first internet dates. That said, when I met my now bf from eHarmony we both knew IMMEDIATELY that there was something "more" there. The chemistry is amazing. PS....I put a lot of time into online dating. I wanted to give it a good faith effort for three months and see what happened.
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I don't normally expect a ton of natural chemistry on the first "meetup" because we are both a bit nervous. Plus, I try to keep the first "meetup" under an hour just so there is more to talk about on the next one. Unless the first "meetup" is an absolute disaster (long periods of silence, no laugher, gross misrepresentation of herself physically, shows up drunk, etc), I normally give the woman the benefit of the doubt and ask for her number. If she gives it to me, and she normally does, I'll do a follow up text the next day and a phone call a few days later. If she responds to either/both, I'll set up a second "meetup" and see how things go from there. If the chemistry is still lacking, I'll do a standard follow up text then cut it off. Sometimes the question answers itself right after the first one as when I do the standard follow up phone call, sometimes she won't pick up and not return my vm. If that happens, I figure she saw something she didn't like and just move on.
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