jsmith1107 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years. We have 3 children together, and he is a wonderful father. His job takes him out of town for a week or more at a time on a regular basis. I am lonely. I feel like he does not listen to me. He has been steadily gaining weight for the past few years, and I feel like he is punishing me by not losing weight. It has gotten to the point that I am afraid for his health over the next few years. I have expressed my concerns for his health, and have mentioned that life in the bedroom would be better if he would drop a few pounds. I know that you may think that it's cruel to mention his weight, but it affects him, me, our marriage, and I think that it warrants discussion. After having my children, I worked like crazy to get my body back, and I did every time. As a matter of fact, I am in better shape now than I was before I had children. I want to have sex with him. I have always been more interested in sex that he has. However, lately, it's terrible. He is not in sync with me in any way, and his size is really an issue. The last time that we had sex, he crushed me, and I could not breathe. The only reason that we even have sex anymore is for him the night before he leaves for a trip. He does not satisfy me at all, and he knows it. Should I continue to have sex with him if he does not make a major effort to change?
crazycatlady Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Is there a possible medical reason your husband has gained weight? I would be encouraging him to get a physical first and fore most. Also is he possibly depressed? Sounds like he travels a lot, and both of you are lonely and rather then working with each other on dealing with it, it sounds like you resent him for going. Also instead of critizing his weight gain, suggest things you can do together that is healthy. Cook healthy meals, suggest walks after dinner, have lots of passionate sex - sex is a great for helping to lose weight when combined with other exercise. If he crushes you when having sex, have sex in different positions. Doggy style, him standing up and you laying on the bed, you on top, there are many ways to have sex that size isn't an issue. I would say your satisfaction is more your fault then his. Because you aren't having sex with him for passion and romance. You are doing it because you feel its a duty. He knows it too and yeah you are going to be off for that reason. You need to not just want to have sex, you need to want to have sex with him. Do it in the morning, encourage him to do it in ways that gets him moving, have fun with it and do it because you want him. You are suppose to love your spouse, big or small. Stop being resentful, and be supportive and empathetic to the fact that he's suffering too. Its not fun being fat. Sorry if this sounds harsh. I would hope if the situation was reversed someone would say the same thing to him. CCL
NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 While I agree that your perception is skewed, I also feel that your concern is a valid one. The only thing I would suggest is before you decide to cut him off, at least tell him its in your thoughts and try to get some help before this issue ends your marriage. He can't listen when you don't speak.
Author jsmith1107 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 CCL, you are way off! I love my husband dearly, and the passion is there! I DO NOT ever have sex out of a sense of duty to my husband. That would be unfair to both of us. I do want to have sex with him. I love him dearly, no matter what his size. However, it is unfair to me, my children, and to him that he continues to gain weight. I want the father of my children to be around to see them graduate from high school, get married, see his grandchildren! I have been supportive and empathetic. I have dieted myself and purged any junk food from the house. I have made healthy meals, and I have, and continue to engage in physical leisure activities with him. I have done everything that I can, but I am not physically attracted to rolls of fat that wiggle and squash me, reminding me that he could die of a heart attack at any time, and that I am not worth the effort to lose weight. I have been supportive in every possible way. However, it is not my responsibility to make him healthy. It is a choice that he has to make. I have offered incentives to encourage him to lose weight, even to the point of self-degradation. He makes a choice to be the way that he is. I find fast food wrappers all over his car, often with times on them an hour prior to us enjoying a family meal together. He makes that choice. He has an annual physical, and there are no medical reasons for his weight gain. After years of support and encouragement, with no results, I take his weight personally. I worked like crazy after having children to keep a figure FOR HIM. I am not worth it to him to lose weight. Trust me, it doesn't matter which way we have sex, his size IS an issue. He is out of shape, and unable to last for any length of time. As for working on being closer, we date, and make time alone together a priority.
moaningmyrtle Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Should I continue to have sex with him? My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years. We have 3 children together, and he is a wonderful father. His job takes him out of town for a week or more at a time on a regular basis. I am lonely. I feel like he does not listen to me. He has been steadily gaining weight for the past few years, and I feel like he is punishing me by not losing weight. It has gotten to the point that I am afraid for his health over the next few years. I have expressed my concerns for his health, and have mentioned that life in the bedroom would be better if he would drop a few pounds. I know that you may think that it's cruel to mention his weight, but it affects him, me, our marriage, and I think that it warrants discussion. After having my children, I worked like crazy to get my body back, and I did every time. As a matter of fact, I am in better shape now than I was before I had children. I want to have sex with him. I have always been more interested in sex that he has. However, lately, it's terrible. He is not in sync with me in any way, and his size is really an issue. The last time that we had sex, he crushed me, and I could not breathe. The only reason that we even have sex anymore is for him the night before he leaves for a trip. He does not satisfy me at all, and he knows it. Should I continue to have sex with him if he does not make a major effort to change? CCL, you are way off! I love my husband dearly, and the passion is there! I DO NOT ever have sex out of a sense of duty to my husband. That would be unfair to both of us. I do want to have sex with him. I love him dearly, no matter what his size. However, it is unfair to me, my children, and to him that he continues to gain weight. I want the father of my children to be around to see them graduate from high school, get married, see his grandchildren! I have been supportive and empathetic. I have dieted myself and purged any junk food from the house. I have made healthy meals, and I have, and continue to engage in physical leisure activities with him. I have done everything that I can, but I am not physically attracted to rolls of fat that wiggle and squash me, reminding me that he could die of a heart attack at any time, and that I am not worth the effort to lose weight. I have been supportive in every possible way. However, it is not my responsibility to make him healthy. It is a choice that he has to make. I have offered incentives to encourage him to lose weight, even to the point of self-degradation. He makes a choice to be the way that he is. I find fast food wrappers all over his car, often with times on them an hour prior to us enjoying a family meal together. He makes that choice. He has an annual physical, and there are no medical reasons for his weight gain. After years of support and encouragement, with no results, I take his weight personally. I worked like crazy after having children to keep a figure FOR HIM. I am not worth it to him to lose weight. Trust me, it doesn't matter which way we have sex, his size IS an issue. He is out of shape, and unable to last for any length of time. As for working on being closer, we date, and make time alone together a priority. Jss- you are giving out some conflicting messages here. You say you love him, have passion for him, want to have sex with him, his size does not matter yet you are not satisfied by him and say you are not attracted to his rolls of fat. Nobody wants to be squashed during sex and even "normal" size men can be too heavy for a slight woman, so it's not a problem confined just to the overweight. This problem is easily fixed by simply using a different position as you've already been advised. Also not every overweight person is a heart attack waiting to happen, but even if it is the case with your H I suspect that is not your real issue either. The reals issue (I think) are the ones I've bolded above - you take his weight personally yet you acknowledge that it isn't your responsibility to make him healthy. There is a conflict here as well. I get the feeling that your question about whether you should have sex with him is really asking whether it's OK to withhold sex until he shapes up. You also say you are lonely which is another major problem in your marriage. My advice is to talk to your H about your loneliness - this is something you should be able to work on together. Try really hard not to take his weight personally (I know it's difficult) as you are doing all the right things by giving him an opportunity to be healthy and lose weight but you cannot make him. Talk to him about it but don't appear to be blackmailing him - if you love him whatever his size then tell him that. See if he is willing to work on it either by joining a local Weightwatchers club or a gym for the relatively unfit. Is it possible that he is lonely too? If he isn't willing to change or make the effort and if you are unwilling to live with it then it puts both of you in a virtually untenable situation. All I can say is don't threaten to leave or withhold sex unless you are prepared for the logical consequences ie (a) you mean it and (b) you are prepared for your marriage to end because of it.
crazycatlady Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If your husband is sneaking food like that he has a problem. What about depression? You don't sneak food like that without a reason for it, depression is often the key. If this is the case he's going to gain weight until the depression is taken care of. Men also are difficult to get treatment for depression with, they often resist the idea they can't manage it themselves. Also do make sure diabetes is not an issue. Sorry I will admit I get really irritated by the whole withhold sex to get what you want idea. I find it abhorrant - no its not happened to me but I still hate it. The idea is wrong. Sex should be about love and desire and not a way to get what you want. And I do think you being contradictory for the reasons Myrtle mentioned. CCL
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 You know you can't control what your husband does. You said it yourself that it's not your responsibilty to keep him healthy. Yet, you take it personally that he doesn't lose weight and has poor eating habits. That's not logical. You did well getting back into shape after your children, you the tone of your post is that you resent him. Let it go. Stop dwelling on his size and start finding things about him that you do respect right now. It doesn't make sense to continue to feel upset about a situation in which you have no control. Change your attitude and maybe he will change as well. Either way, you've told him what you want him to do so he knows. Not only that, he sees how much weight he has gained. I think he's using food for comfort because he is also lonely. I think the suggestion to spend time with him doing healthy things is a good one. Take a walk together, cook healthy meals together, do fun active things together and maybe your relationship will improve as well has his weight.
Author jsmith1107 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Thank you all for your input. I want everyone to know that I think that withholding sex in a marriage is wrong. I have never threatened to do that. I have expressed my concerns about loneliness and about him not hearing me when I speak. He knows that our lovemaking is unsatisfying for me, yet he does not make any adjustments in the method, and acts unconcerned even though he knows that I am unsatisfied. (Yes, I have gone as far as telling him). He cannot last more than a minute or so, which has worsened since he has gained any weight. A position change has not done any good, since he is COMPLETELY OUT OF SYNC with me, and doesn't even try... he's just concentrating on not coming. Awful. Stressful. I don't want to withhold sex... he rarely initiates it. I just feel like it's wrong because I think that we both end up feeling terribly about it. I feel unsatisfied, and, worsely, he feels inadequate.
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 That sounds like a stalemate. Someone has to be the first to change. Since you clearly see the problem (you unsatisfied/him inadequate) you should be the one to make the first step. Brainstorm ways you think he'll feel more adequate in the area of lovemaking. Is there ANYTHING he does right? What are ways you can make him feel competent about himself? He may feel like he can't make you happy so he's stopped trying.
Pleco Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Thank you all for your input. I want everyone to know that I think that withholding sex in a marriage is wrong. I have never threatened to do that. I have expressed my concerns about loneliness and about him not hearing me when I speak. He knows that our lovemaking is unsatisfying for me, yet he does not make any adjustments in the method, and acts unconcerned even though he knows that I am unsatisfied. (Yes, I have gone as far as telling him). He cannot last more than a minute or so, which has worsened since he has gained any weight. A position change has not done any good, since he is COMPLETELY OUT OF SYNC with me, and doesn't even try... he's just concentrating on not coming. Awful. Stressful. I don't want to withhold sex... he rarely initiates it. I just feel like it's wrong because I think that we both end up feeling terribly about it. I feel unsatisfied, and, worsely, he feels inadequate. I think I disagree with everyone here. It is NOT your responsibility to keep him healthy, it is a decision he should make on his own. And you have every right to take it personally when he ignores your needs. That is NOT a logical contradiction (could the above posters please point out the fallacy involved?) Anywho...this would be a dealbreaker for me. I keep myself in shape and always will, barring some serious health problem. My boyfriend keeps himself in shape and hopefully always will, again barring some serious health problem. Years from now, if he decided to become a fat pig, sneak junk food, not give a sh*t about our sex life, his health, or my wants and needs...then yes, I'd be pretty resentful too. Keeping up your physical appearance should be something you do for your sake and your partner's. If my partner thought that sex with me was completely unsatisfying, I would make every effort to change. You have lost respect for him and you have EVERY right to. A relationship is about mental AND physical attraction. If he doesn't care enough about you to make ANY effort whatsoever to maintain your intimate life, then you need to make him an ultimatum. It's not just about his weight, it's about the fact that he no longer gives a sh*t. But that's just my $.02
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I think I disagree with everyone here. It is NOT your responsibility to keep him healthy, it is a decision he should make on his own. And you have every right to take it personally when he ignores your needs. That is NOT a logical contradiction (could the above posters please point out the fallacy involved?) Anywho...this would be a dealbreaker for me. I keep myself in shape and always will, barring some serious health problem. My boyfriend keeps himself in shape and hopefully always will, again barring some serious health problem. Years from now, if he decided to become a fat pig, sneak junk food, not give a sh*t about our sex life, his health, or my wants and needs...then yes, I'd be pretty resentful too. Keeping up your physical appearance should be something you do for your sake and your partner's. If my partner thought that sex with me was completely unsatisfying, I would make every effort to change. You have lost respect for him and you have EVERY right to. A relationship is about mental AND physical attraction. If he doesn't care enough about you to make ANY effort whatsoever to maintain your intimate life, then you need to make him an ultimatum. It's not just about his weight, it's about the fact that he no longer gives a sh*t. But that's just my $.02 I don't think he's gaining weight and eating poorly to spite her. That is the flaw in your logic. It's not something he is doing TO her, it just so happens to effect her and their marriage negatively. I think her husband is depressed and stuck in a cycle. He eats - gets fat - can't please his wife - she's unhappy - it makes him unhappy - he eats to give himself some comfort. It just goes on and on. Giving him an ultimatum if he's depressed will do nothing.
crazycatlady Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Everything I'm hearing screams depression. A very serious long term multi year depression. And I'm hearing he can't do anything right. And he's all to blame of everything, which is only going to further the depression. No wonder he sneaks food, it sounds like its the only thing providing him comfort. He is has a serious illness and I really hope Pleco you or your loved ones never have to go through something like that because it sounds like you wouldn't understand and actually make it worse. I think its time to encourage him to get back to the doctor and get this talked about. And maybe, look at what he does right and talk to him about that, instead of constantly putting him down. CCL
Angel1111 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 This is what kills me about marriages - people think they can do, say, and act however they please and their spouse has to live with it. No, you don't have to have sex with him again, nor are you obligated to, if he chooses not to better himself. If he has a medical condition, then he needs to get it worked out. When he's living alone and has no one else to please or think about, then it's perfectly within his right to become a slovenly pig. But, since he's married, this luxury isn't an option.
Pleco Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I don't think he's gaining weight and eating poorly to spite her. That is the flaw in your logic. It's not something he is doing TO her, it just so happens to effect her and their marriage negatively. I think her husband is depressed and stuck in a cycle. He eats - gets fat - can't please his wife - she's unhappy - it makes him unhappy - he eats to give himself some comfort. It just goes on and on. Giving him an ultimatum if he's depressed will do nothing. My argument isn't based on "he's doing this to spite her." I don't think I even said that at all, or implied it. His reasons for doing it are almost irrelevant - whether it is spite, depression, or just plain laziness. If he is unwilling to change, then it is his own problem. Also, if a loved one of mine were having serious issues with depression I would obviously help him or her out (and have done so in the past when a family member was in need - my father is manic depressive). But at a certain point, it is THEIR responsibility to help themselves. If they can't do that, then there is no helping them. The OP seems like someone who can clearly state her problems and also seems to love her husband very much. If he prefers to continue his downward spiral and take comfort in fast food rather than an obviously concerned wife, then he may be a lost cause. Some things just shouldn't be accepted.
hopeful1980 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 My argument isn't based on "he's doing this to spite her." I don't think I even said that at all, or implied it. His reasons for doing it are almost irrelevant - whether it is spite, depression, or just plain laziness. If he is unwilling to change, then it is his own problem. Also, if a loved one of mine were having serious issues with depression I would obviously help him or her out (and have done so in the past when a family member was in need - my father is manic depressive). But at a certain point, it is THEIR responsibility to help themselves. If they can't do that, then there is no helping them. The OP seems like someone who can clearly state her problems and also seems to love her husband very much. If he prefers to continue his downward spiral and take comfort in fast food rather than an obviously concerned wife, then he may be a lost cause. Some things just shouldn't be accepted. You did imply that it's his fault and that she has the right to lose respect for him, even if this is something that is beyond his control. Depression is a mental health issue. Her husband's overeating is just the symptom of a larger problem. You can't just tell the person to "help themselves or I won't help you". Who in the world wants that kind of support? In a marriage, you have to be strong when the other person is weak. This is her husband's weakest moment. He's most vulnerable now and her attitude is only making it worse. He needs comfort from her so he won't turn to food. He needs understanding and patience. He needs to feel like it's not just HIS problem, but THEIR problem and that she has his back and will stand by him through this. As concerned as she may be, the tone of her OP is how SHE is effected negatively by his behaviors but she shows little empathy for him and neither do you. Let's assume this isn't something he wants. Let's assume he wants to get better, he just doesn't know how. She should assume he wants help and figure out how best to support him during this time until he snaps out of his depression.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 He also sucks in bed and is not interested in fixing that part..... Hey, many have a quick trigger, but there is a lot more to sex then penetration and he seems to not be that interested in sex (maybe scared because of his lack of skill) and not willing or doing anything about it. The OP I think is using weight and health only as part of the much larger issue of an unsatisfying sex life.....
Angel1111 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 For gosh sake, whatever you do, don't ask him to eat you out... he might take that LITERALLY. :lmao:
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