pandagirl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Things are going well with the guy I'm seeing. I've mentioned him in previous threads -- the guy who I was suspect of because he was a bit over-the-top. I got back on Wednesday, and we saw each other that night and spend the whole weekend together, which was wonderful. He started in the negative with me, and is slowly working his way into the positive with his words and actions. I asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone else, to which he looked at me and said: "No." I didn't ask for exclusivity, but wanted to make the first step at gauging his interest in seeing only me. We met on OkCupid and we were joking if we were going to tell the truth about how we met. I then said, "I might cancel my account." He responded by not saying he would cancel his, but that basically the site doesn't provide anything for him and how it "doesn't exist to him, except for the emails he gets that say he has matches." However, I have been spying on his profile and I see that he logs on every few days or so. I also saw he logged on today. He refers to the future a lot with me and communicates well with me -- we've intimately talked about things like how I got herpes, what we would do to reduce the risk of transmitting it to him, along with my issues of being slow to trust in relationships and what we would do if he ends up moving for his job (he wants to try having a LDR). But, I don't know how to broach the subject of him still logging into the site, when he says in so many words that he doesn't. It makes me feel insecure and that he doesn't take me seriously and still has a wandering eye. Everything he has does indicates otherwise, from him wanting to meet my friends, going out of his way to see me, making time for me, me meeting his friends. Is this a bad sign? Should I not bring the subject up again? Or just not care since his real life actions are great and meaningful? Ugh, I hate this part of online dating! EDIT: for the record, we are not having sexual intercourse yet. He says that with me it will be nicer and more special if we wait a bit longer. And, yes, I trust that he is not sleeping or seeing anyone else. Edited January 11, 2010 by pandagirl
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 EDIT: for the record, we are not having sexual intercourse yet. He says that with me it will be nicer and more special if we wait a bit longer. And, yes, I trust that he is not sleeping or seeing anyone else. Sounds like he is worried that he will contract herpes.
jw90063 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I don't know what it is, but it seems like so many guys do this sort of thing. I've known guys to remain active on dating sites, after finding a great match. I think they are wanting to keep their options open unless things don't work out. I remember an old friend telling me he had met this great girl. They had been dating a few months, but he still went on this dating site. I asked him why, and I honestly don't remember is exact reasoning. It could have been he keeps getting emails and just out of curiosity logs in to read them. If you get matches in your email, and click on one of them, it will take you directly to the site in which, I believe it logs you in. It may not mean anything.
dreamergrl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Sounds like he is worried that he will contract herpes. Really? And what if you didn't know PG had herpes? Because believe it or not, not everyone runs from a person with an STD.
Pizzaman81 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Really? And what if you didn't know PG had herpes? Because believe it or not, not everyone runs from a person with an STD. I do. Anyway, him logging onto dating sites could mean he is not completely 100% sure about you. It could also mean he's checking some messages, or checking to see if you are online.
tigressA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yeah, it probably doesn't mean anything other than what jw90063 said. My own situation reflects the myriad ways this can work. My Guy #1 has said he isn't seeing anyone else besides me, but I know he still logs into the site daily. My Guy #3 is seeing someone else, as far as I know, and he canceled his account. He didn't tell me; I discovered it myself. I personally wouldn't bring it up unless his real-life actions are starting to become shady.
jw90063 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I do. Anyway, him logging onto dating sites could mean he is not completely 100% sure about you. It could also mean he's checking some messages, or checking to see if you are online. Checking to see if she is online. That made me wonder if he is doing this to see if she has been on. Wouldn't that be funny. He might be doing the same thing, if she is logging in and he sees it. He could be thinking"why is she logging in".
dreamergrl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I do. Anyway, him logging onto dating sites could mean he is not completely 100% sure about you. It could also mean he's checking some messages, or checking to see if you are online. That's you. I don't think it's right to tell PG that it's the reason just based on your own preferences.
hoping2heal Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I don't see the problem, really. He told you that he still checks if other matches come through. He only logs in every couple of days- so it isn't like he camps out 24/7. I would say that what you have "found" seems to line up with what he told you.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Really? And what if you didn't know PG had herpes? Because believe it or not, not everyone runs from a person with an STD. But I DO know and so does he. Plenty of people would run from a person with STD. Doesn't it strike you as odd that he doesn't want to have sex?
dreamergrl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 But I DO know and so does he. Plenty of people would run from a person with STD. Doesn't it strike you as odd that he doesn't want to have sex? Maybe he doesn't have an issue with her having herpes, but wants to get to know her before taking on the full risk. It doesn't mean he's running from it. Some guys do wait, not all, or even a lot, but some do. Yeah, and so what if he and you both know. It says a lot more about PG then that she has a disease. It means she's honest. That she does the right thing.
Pizzaman81 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 But I DO know and so does he. Plenty of people would run from a person with STD. Doesn't it strike you as odd that he doesn't want to have sex? He could be a guy who doesn't want to do anything until he knows he would pursue her. I am kind of like that... the troubles I have to go through after having sex with a girl, then telling her... "I'm sorry it's not going to work out" Then you hear crying... and whining... and more crying.. and "YOU WERE INSIDE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yeah, and so what if he and you both know. It says a lot more about PG then that she has a disease. It means she's honest. That she does the right thing. I will agree with that. It's admirable that she is brave enough to tell the truth. However, it is still going to limit her dating options, whetever we like it or not.
dreamergrl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I will agree with that. It's admirable that she is brave enough to tell the truth. However, it is still going to limit her dating options, whetever we like it or not. He's dating her knowing she has it. Obviously he likes her enough to see where it would go. There's also plenty of people who wouldn't run from this. It's more common then most realize.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 He's dating her knowing she has it. Obviously he likes her enough to see where it would go. There's also plenty of people who wouldn't run from this. It's more common then most realize. Yes, but he could be conflicted. Sometimes feelings are not linear as in - you tell me you have herpes - I break up with you right after that. It may take a while for him to process. He could also be keeping his other options open and seeing what happens
dreamergrl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yes, but he could be conflicted. Sometimes feelings are not linear as in - you tell me you have herpes - I break up with you right after that. It may take a while for him to process. He could also be keeping his other options open and seeing what happens Or he could be getting to know her before trying to screw her. That's why I asked if what if you didn't know she had herpes. There's other possibilities then just the one you are offering, but you're offering that one based off the idea that few people will want to be with her because of that.
Yukikazi Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Put me down as a runner. I'm sure there are lots of nice people with herpes but I don't desire to be one of them. I choose not to put myself at risk
sugarmomma Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Can you guys please stay on topic? the post is about him continuing to log in to the site. PG Iwouldn't say anything to him about it. I have learned to just observe a man's behavior to assess his character and then make a decision as to whether he is worthy enough to stay in my life. Just watch what he does and give it a reasonable amount of time, then decide. He will show you what he is made of. So you have to let him hang himself,
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Or he could be getting to know her before trying to screw her. That's why I asked if what if you didn't know she had herpes. There's other possibilities then just the one you are offering, but you're offering that one based off the idea that few people will want to be with her because of that. There are other possibilities for sure. I am just trying to be realistic.
dreamergrl Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 There are other possibilities for sure. I am just trying to be realistic. Telling her it's because of herpes isn't really being realistic, it's being biased. Given that I think people check there mail in the beginning stages of dating anyways. I check mine, but I don't reply. Mine profile doesn't come down until there's an exclusivity talk.
Author pandagirl Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Can you guys please stay on topic? the post is about him continuing to log in to the site. PG Iwouldn't say anything to him about it. I have learned to just observe a man's behavior to assess his character and then make a decision as to whether he is worthy enough to stay in my life. Just watch what he does and give it a reasonable amount of time, then decide. He will show you what he is made of. So you have to let him hang himself, Haha, thanks for keeping things on track! Seriously, if I ever write ANYTHING about having herpes on this site, it becomes the focus, even if it has nothing to do with what I'm asking about. The responses on this thread have quelled my insecurities a bit. I am pretty insecure about the issue, so it could be my neuroses. When I look at how he treats me, there's no reason to think that he would be lying to me. All his actions tell me he's crazy about me, except for this one thing that could be inconsequential. At the same time, I don't want to be naive and stupid and turn a blind eye to anything. That being said, if we're still dating in 3 months, I would expect him to cancel his account. Also: herpes is not an issue with us. I told him on our first date and while he wants to protect himself, he knows herpes is a common virus that has no real health risks -- that it's the social stigma that is the worst. I brought up going on an anti-viral like Valtrex and he doesn't want me to before I do extensive research on its long-term effects. He thinks anti-virals aren't great for you body and that my long-term health is more important to him. Dreamer, so what do I do if we become exclusive? Do I then ask him to take it down, or should I just let him do it himself? Edited January 11, 2010 by pandagirl
Author pandagirl Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Sorry PG, I didn't mean to make it worse. No! It's fine! I know you always have my back. And thank you for it.
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