Huge Drama- my heart is ripped to shreds for my child

[overseas2004]

I am not new to this forum and you all have helped me tremendously in the past with issues I have had leaving relationships including my marriage. So I wanted to hear what you would say about this one.

 

In August I left my husband of three years. We have a small daughter, she is 20 months old. My husband did not work the entire time we were married and he didnt want to help around the house. He was rude and nasty and was using me for my money etc... When he started selling my stuff on the internet, while I was at work, I decided that was it.

 

He left the country and went to go live back in Europe where he is from. Since then he has called to talk to me occasionally and in October he called to try to make up. When I said no thanks, he started to harass me and call me names and threatened to come back to America to hurt me. I called the authorities and they charged him with telephone harrasment.

 

Believe it or not he came back to fight the charge. And he lost. The whole time he was here which was a month and a half he did not call (probably on the advice of his attorney) and he did not see his daughter even though third parties told him that I had said he would be welcome to.

 

After the trial and the day before he went back home again he called and asked to see our daughter. He spent the whole day with her at the day care providers and came over later to my house to pick up the rest of his stuff. When we dropped him off at his hotel that night, my daughter cried for over 40 minutes when he left.

 

He is now back home and he called today to SKYPE with my daughter. She was pleased to see him but when he had to go she bent over and kissed the screen several times. She then cried when he got off.

 

My mother was furious with me when she heard this and she started to scream (yeah I have had a bad day) and she kept accusing me of wanting to maybe even get back together with him.

 

My husband really is a good for nothing. He doesnt even pay child support. And I now that he is just going to dissapoint her in life. I really worry about that alot. But I dont know what to do with this SKYPE thing and her crying after talking to hm. My heart is ripped to shreds. Can you all please tell me what you think?

[Angel1111]

Your daughter is only 20 mos old and she's acting like this? That's extremely odd. It makes me wonder what he said to her to make her feel panicky. I don't know - it all sounds wierd.

 

I think I would keep the Skype thing to a minimum. It's his problem if he left the country and doesn't see his daughter. Maybe once a month or something is all I'd do, if that much. He's such a total loser that he'll probably eventually drift out of both of your lives anyway. He would be doing you a favor. But if your daughter wants to see him when she gets older, that's her right and not something that you should judge. The issues you have with him are not your daughter's. Your mother would do well to keep that in mind, also.

 

However, I wouldn't be too quick to accomodate this man in any way when he's in the country. If he wants to see his daughter, then he can figure out a way to get there to see her, and he can figure out how to get back to his hotel. I wouldn't let him be with her alone - ever. He's just the type that would run off with her and make your life a living hell. Make sure his visits are supervised, and you may want to get that in a court order.

Edited January 11, 2010 by Angel1111

[overseas2004]

I agree that it is amazing behavior for a 20 month old. Judging from the way she is crying and the fact that when he leaves is when she starts to cry, I think she is going through seperation anxiety. She has been away from him for about 5 months now and she still remembered him when she saw him. Plus she pretty much mentioned his name almost every day since he has been gone. My pediatrician has told me that my daughter is super advanced. She already counts to 20 and knows the whole alphabet.

 

As far as the drifting off goes, that is the one thing I am sure he wont do. He will try to remain connected he just wont do anything that requires any real effort like working to make money for her to feed her or anything else. To make matters worse, I was recently laid off. Its just been really hard lately. Its been a tough road to go down.

 

And yes, his visits will be supervised. Dont worry. That was an obvious one.

[Angel1111]

Oh, I just remembered that he didn't work, which must mean that he bascially raised her? If that's the case, then I can understand her reaction.

[overseas2004]

Yeah, you would think that he would have saved me the 1000 dollars that I had to pay to take her to daycare every month since he was sitting on his a** at home. But that was not the case. He told me that he didnt have time to look for work if she stayed home with him and when I told him he had the time that she napped to look for work he flat out refused.

 

Nonetheless, he was living with us for the first 14 months of her life. And he did take care of her sometimes and yes, she remembers that. And she misses him.

 

So still no skype or what? What should I do? I dont want to damage her. really isnt this skype thing just for his benefit?

[Angel1111]

That figures. He reminds me of the numbskull I married who was also from Europe. He had an IQ of 170, went through Manchester University on full scholarships, but had the emotional intelligence of a 2-yr-old.

 

I wouldn't do the skype thing more than once a month, if I were you. And if that upsets your daughter, or if it just feels too intrusive to you, then I would stop it. Try it out for awhile and see how it goes.

[overseas2004]

Yeah mine was educated and gorgeous. If he just tried a little harder he could have had a great job one day. But his main preoccupation was how to get something for nothing. Or how to look for a job while praying that you dont find one.

 

Anyway thanks for the opinion.

[liftedcj7on44s]

I dont understand the way some of you people think. i do not mean to sound rude or nasty but why would you intentionally keep the child away from the father. No matter how he treated you in the past this does not give you the right to use his child against him. You should be happy that he is trying to have a relationship with his daughter. My wife is doing the same thing to me. Except I dont get to see my son at all. Imagine how it would feel if you were told you could not talk to you child or see your child. Just because you dislike him does not have anything to pertain to his rights to his child.

 

As far as child support goes that can be taken care of but Child support should not be used against him as far as him not being able to contact his child. That is using your child as a Pawn and this is not good.

 

The reason she cries when he has to leave or gets off skype is because she knows that is her father. That is his daughter nothing will ever change that and dont try to take that away from him or your daughter. In the end the person that ends up hurting the most is your daughter.

[Angel1111]

I dont understand the way some of you people think. i do not mean to sound rude or nasty but why would you intentionally keep the child away from the father. No matter how he treated you in the past this does not give you the right to use his child against him. You should be happy that he is trying to have a relationship with his daughter. My wife is doing the same thing to me. Except I dont get to see my son at all. Imagine how it would feel if you were told you could not talk to you child or see your child. Just because you dislike him does not have anything to pertain to his rights to his child.

 

As far as child support goes that can be taken care of but Child support should not be used against him as far as him not being able to contact his child. That is using your child as a Pawn and this is not good.

 

The reason she cries when he has to leave or gets off skype is because she knows that is her father. That is his daughter nothing will ever change that and dont try to take that away from him or your daughter. In the end the person that ends up hurting the most is your daughter.

 

Typically, this is the exact advice I give - that kids need to see their parents. But he's in another country so this puts undue pressure on the mom to deal with this. That's why I suggested doing skype once a month. But if this guys gets abusive again, then I'd stop doing that, too. There does come a point where you can do too much and when a person is abusive, there's no reason to continue to involve them in your life. That's why you divorce them.

 

Not paying child support has nothing to do with seeing his child. But if he wants to see her, it's his problem to figure it out. I've been with a man exactly like this except the situation was reversed - I didn't have kids by him but he moved from Europe to the States and he had kids in Europe. You know, that was his choice to leave his kids. He didn't have to do that. And to tell you the truth, he didn't give a fig about his kids. Which is exactly why I didn't have any kids by him because I could see what it would be like. These guys typically only use the kid to annoy the mom; or see the kids whenever it's convenient for them. When you know what abusive people are like, then your tolerance level changes. They don't deserve for you to go out of your way, and yes it's too bad the kids get caught in the middle but, again, that's not mom's fault.

[overseas2004]

I hate people like lifted who write replies without having read our understood the post. I am not trying to keep my child away from my husband, nor do I hate him. In fact now that he is not harrasing me anymore I am totally ambivalent. I fell out of love with him a long time ago and am basically devoid of any emotions.

 

What I said was that I got hollered at by mother for LETTING my child go on SKYPE with her father yesterday. That she made a whole bunch of points about how HE LEFT THE COUNTRY and her life. And how it would not be good for her to have virtual father.

 

This was just about skyping. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY disputes the fact that we will take her to see him from time to time and allow him to come over here to see her. Its just the SKYPE thing that I got challenged on.

 

AND as far as child support there is no way to make someone in another country pay. Although that was not my mother's point. Her point was that he is not at all involved in her life. He doesnt pay her bills and he is not there to hold her hand when she is sick or take her to the doctor and so why should he be accomodated to have these regular skype calls with her.

 

I MYSELF AND CONFLICTED> Not sure what to do and that is why I sought out advice here. And yes you were rude, because you didnt read the whole post.

[liftedcj7on44s]

I hate people like lifted who write replies without having read our understood the post. I am not trying to keep my child away from my husband, nor do I hate him. In fact now that he is not harrasing me anymore I am totally ambivalent. I fell out of love with him a long time ago and am basically devoid of any emotions.

 

What I said was that I got hollered at by mother for LETTING my child go on SKYPE with her father yesterday. That she made a whole bunch of points about how HE LEFT THE COUNTRY and her life. And how it would not be good for her to have virtual father.

 

This was just about skyping. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY disputes the fact that we will take her to see him from time to time and allow him to come over here to see her. Its just the SKYPE thing that I got challenged on.

 

AND as far as child support there is no way to make someone in another country pay. Although that was not my mother's point. Her point was that he is not at all involved in her life. He doesnt pay her bills and he is not there to hold her hand when she is sick or take her to the doctor and so why should he be accomodated to have these regular skype calls with her.

 

I MYSELF AND CONFLICTED> Not sure what to do and that is why I sought out advice here. And yes you were rude, because you didnt read the whole post.

 

I am soory I was rude. Did not mean it. What i saw was he was trying to contact his child through SKYPE and the mother didnt like it. And you were given advise that the SKYPE should pretty much stop.

 

I am sorry for the rambling I had a bad day today. My STBXW thinks I dont care about my son because I dont call him anymore like I used too. When I started getting cursed out and threatened over the phone while my son was there and could hear it this is when I stopped calling. My son does not need to hear that.

My STBXW is intentionally keeping my son from me, using the past, using the excuse that she is afraid i am going to take him from her......

 

 

I am sorry.

[Angel1111]

I am soory I was rude. Did not mean it. What i saw was he was trying to contact his child through SKYPE and the mother didnt like it. And you were given advise that the SKYPE should pretty much stop.

 

I am sorry for the rambling I had a bad day today. My STBXW thinks I dont care about my son because I dont call him anymore like I used too. When I started getting cursed out and threatened over the phone while my son was there and could hear it this is when I stopped calling. My son does not need to hear that.

My STBXW is intentionally keeping my son from me, using the past, using the excuse that she is afraid i am going to take him from her......

 

I am sorry.

 

This is really sad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[overseas2004]

I am sorry for your pain as well. YOu should not stop calling your son though.

[liftedcj7on44s]

I do still plan to call him. I used to call to talk to him everynight.

If I miss talking to him for maybe a month then that is a small price to pay to hopefully be able to see him whenever and wherever I want in the future.