early dating dealbreakers

[dreamergrl]

An instinctive desire to protect myself from future hurt.

 

Do you realize how many of us have that desire, but aren't going to such drastic measures?

[Bejita463]

I do feel that you guys are over-reacting.

 

I bet the types who have the same general type of reasoning you are using feel the same way about the attitudes towards their reactions too. See, in situations like this there are two options. Either you are right and everyone else is wrong, or the opposite is the case. While the former is possible, how likely is it?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Do you realize how many of us have that desire, but aren't going to such drastic measures?

 

I feel that I have been hurt more than most people. I don't want to go into all of it here. Maybe I am just crazy. Maybe everyone is just better adjusted to life than me.

 

I have told my friends that I am not dating because I do not want to expose another person to my issues. I feel that any guy would be happier and have an easier time dating pretty much any other girl than me. So I am aware of it all, I just do not know how to fix it.

[Zeta4PhiSius]

1) You've been communicating daily. Two or three days pass and you don't hear from them. When they're back in touch they never give a convincing excuse as to what the hell happened.

 

But loveshack says EXACTLY the opposite for dating - it says NOT to return a call for 2-3 days because calling/returning calls sooner than that reeks of desperation.

 

Who is right?!?!?!

[skydiveaddict]

is taller than me

refuses to do what i say

is not totally hot looking

is ugly

is one of those girls who holds the stop signs on road construction projects

does construction work of any kind

is a truck driver

is not wild in the bedroom

is too wild in the bedroom

tries to tell me what to do

tries to 'dress" me

will not put out after the 2nd date

will not use dental floss

wears conservative, ugly underwear

will not get breast implants if i tell her she needs them

buys me an electric shaver for christmas

buys me any kind appliance for christmas

chews tabacco

will not do oral

trys to take me shopping

tells me i watch too much football

tells me she doesn't want me skydiving anymore

if she belches

if she complains when i belch

tries to make me watch movies like "sleepless in seattle"

tries to make me watch any kind of movie

tries to send me to the store to rent a movie

tries to send me to the store for anything

tries to make me do anything, actually

will not go to the store for me when i need some thing

[SadandConfusedWA]

I bet the types who have the same general type of reasoning you are using feel the same way about the attitudes towards their reactions too. See, in situations like this there are two options. Either you are right and everyone else is wrong, or the opposite is the case. While the former is possible, how likely is it?

 

Again, I am concerned with my own "right" and "wrong" rather than an universal "right" or "wrong".

[dreamergrl]

I feel that I have been hurt more than most people. I don't want to go into all of it here..

 

This is called pity. And you are reasoning why it's okay to do what you are doing, which proves you know it's wrong.

 

Who are you to say you've been hurt more then most people? Do you live the lives of most people? Who died and gave you the "I've had it the worse" crown?

 

You are no better then those whining and crying about their dating woes and refusing to do anything about it.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I see that someone compared this to murder, so I will indulge you for a second

 

While I generally feel that murder is wrong, I would be able to kill to protect myself or my loved ones.

 

While I feel that spying in general is wrong, I would do it to protect myself or my loved ones.

 

I would also have no problem with a partner who would do any of the above for similar reasons.

 

I am not seeking a wide acceptance from an internet forum either.

[Bejita463]

Again, I am concerned with my own "right" and "wrong" rather than an universal "right" or "wrong".

 

I am aware of that. That was part of my point.

[dreamergrl]

Again, I am concerned with my own "right" and "wrong" rather than an universal "right" or "wrong".

 

And that's selfish, because what you deem as right is very wrong to other people who don't care to have some chick checking up on them.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Thanks for your input LS.

 

I didn't ask to be judged but thanks anyway. I will now take the opinion of the majority and therefore change all my perceptions and personal feelings accordingly. Right before I die I will think to myself "Wow I am so happy that in the last 30 years of my life I didn't check on anyone's internet browser history, hope I will go to heaven"

[meerkat stew]

I see that someone compared this to murder,

 

I did not compare it to murder, but did suggest that having a moral compass of "feeling right" about something can be used to justify any bad act, no matter how severe. You are right though, too much has been made of this, we're all like lemmings in this thread running over the cliff to have a go at you

[counterman]

Yes, this thread is getting a little off-topic. Look, SadandConfusedWA had been through an obviously tough time with the whole dating a person who was into child porn. It would be pretty traumatising. Though, most of us can only imagine what they would be like and how it would affect us. So, it is understandable to find it hard to trust someone again. You probably never saw it coming because, as you said, the person was decent. It's a shame that things like this does happen. In saying that, I understand why you would do the whole usb thing (though I'm not justifying it) but it is due to an insecurity that there's a chance a guy you're dating might turn out to be like your ex. It is a good thing you aren't looking to date currently, because you have to forgive and learn to trust again or else it's just gonna linger and stay with you forever. As someone said earlier, only a minority of people are like that.

 

A few red flags would be:

 

• If she flirts with my friend even though she told me she likes me,
  
• Acts completely different to me when she is around her friends and I'm there,
  
• Has her doubts about me but says she doesn't,
  
• Finds it hard to talk to me in public and pretends that she doesn't know me,
  
• Keeps information from me as though she's hiding something
  
• When I want to talk about my concerns, she tells says "could you pretty hurry up?"
  

[torranceshipman]

I don't see that SadandConfused did anything wrong - it's only a browsing history, for pete's sake. She might look at it whilst surfing the web anyway (the history pops up easily after all), and I doubt a guy would care less, so whats the big deal? S&A isnt going crazy and installing a keylogger, etc, she's just taking a little look at a browsing history, hardly invasive and quite understandable given her previous experience. If a guy find out and gets upset and dumps her then hey, thats his prerogative, and she's willing to risk that for doing what she is comfortable with.

 

In fact, I think that Sand A has a refreshing attitude about exactly what she feels is right for HER and what SHE is comfortable with in this situation. I'm surprised she is getting so much bashing for this.

 

A quick look at a browsing history...c'mon - hardly crime of the century, especially after her previous experience. I could care less if a man looked at my browsing history.

[harmfulsweetz]

With my ex, I never really noticed. I think the reason we don't see red flags is because we are still so caught up in the moment, everything is lurvely, and nothing matters. It's not until you leave the R and it's like what? You did what? I stayed with what? I was a bit silly like that, I remember one ex, had an ex gf he just couldn't get over, it was always (from the very beginning) 'she did this to me', 'she did that', 'do you know how it feels to have that done?' Course, it wasn't until he started checking my phone, checking with my friends on my whereabouts did I piece it all together. Before that, I took it as he had been hurt, and wanted to test the waters with me. Grrr.

 

Then again, I didn't learn much from that. My most recent ex opened all his car doors in a car park, stood outside and proceeded to yell at me that I was a b*tch. Some people never learn....heh.

 

 

I agree, I do think the signs are there, but we have to be open enough to see them.

[tigereyes1428]

Easier said than done.

 

its not easy - not at all and if i cam accross unsympathetic then i am sorry - you need to be comfortable in your self and ready to take the chance that someone could hurt you - there is no guarantees ever and everyone takes the chance - you are no more likely to be hurt than anyone else - you know you are ready when you know that you can pick yourself up and dust yourself down if it does go wrong , move on and not be punishing anyone else for other peoples mistreatment of you.

take some time for you - its a lonely life second guessing everyones moves all the time.

 

feel free to pm me anytime. chin up. good luck and ditch the USB pen:rolleyes:

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Yukikazi]

There are varying degrees of rigtness. I think that most people will agree that cheating is worse than this.

Again, I am concerned with my own "right" and "wrong" rather than an universal "right" or "wrong".

It's especially effective when having an innocent, girly look (or "I barely know what a computer is" expression) and saying "Hey sexy can I just check my e-mail for a sec" while twirling your hair.

 

Sad to say but you are exhibiting traits...

 

sociopath

 

Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others.

 

The sociopath also finds it hard to sustain relationships and shows a lack of regret in his or her actions. A major personality behavior trait is the violation of the rights of others.

 

*Manipulative and Conning

They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

 

*Pathological Lying

Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

 

* Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Edited January 11, 2010 by Yukikazi

[Jaytb]

It's especially effective when having an innocent, girly look (or "I barely know what a computer is" expression) and saying "Hey sexy can I just check my e-mail for a sec" while twirling your hair.

 

"Ok babe, let me just encrypt my porn files and wipe my browser history, it should only take 30 minutes or so."

[carhill]

For me, the clear ones would be distraction, lack of focus and lack of respect for my time and interest.

 

I discovered in MC, by working through the basis for what would be become our marital bond, that I had overlooked signs of my stbx ignoring me, which means my presence like when I was talking with her, and such psychological issues which contributed to that ignoral became the fundamental basis for our incompatible psychological styles and emotional setpoints. Consciously I was overlooking but subconsciously little bits of resentment built up over time. Unhealthy.

 

BTW, on the side topic, my stbx was free to browse my porn collection, including boxes of Playboy mags of over 20 years and 80's porn flicks, anytime she liked. No keyloggers, black helicopters or computer experts required. Likewise, I was free to read her bookshelves full of romance novels.

[tami-chan]

Likewise, I was free to read her bookshelves full of romance novels.

 

and did you read them? ...what did you think of the cover? was it Fabulous Fabio?

[laRubiaBonita]

If you happen to meet the parents early on.... and person you are dating treats one of their parents like crap. specifically men and their mothers.

 

If the person i am dating gets really upset with me for getting lost while driving( i get 'lost' ALL the time, consequentially i find alternative routes this way)

[CLC2008]

Actually no, but I would be fine with him looking through my browsing history as I have nothing to hide. It is SO not equvivalent to planting a bug or a hidden camera.

 

Oh it sure is.

 

You are in a strangers home, on their property, and you lie to them intentionally in order to gain access and take their personal information.

 

Trust issues aside, do you not see how inappropriate that is?

[carhill]

and did you read them? ...what did you think of the cover? was it Fabulous Fabio?

She had a lot of Nora Roberts stuff. I looked at a few. Mostly mystery-based romance. Stbx liked intrigue and plot dissection. Some pretty cute guys on some of the covers. She had a pile of them on the nightstand. My porn collection was in tubs out in the shop office. I kinda thought the bedroom was for marital intimacy

[shadowplay]

If this discussion continues I'm going to start reporting off topic posts.

 

Chill out. Comparing SadandConfused to a sociopath? Really? I agree what she does is wrong, but I'm sure most of you ganging up on her have done far worse at one point or another.

 

For the record, I also on occasion looked at the browsing history of one ex who made my spidey sense go off. And I've done worse snooping than that when I had reason to believe I couldn't trust someone (my intuition proved right in that case). As for checking browsing history, I didn't get on the computer to do it, but it's natural curiosity if you already don't trust somebody. I don't see it as a huge deal. I guess that means I have loose morals and must be a sociopath as well!

Edited January 11, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Guys, I just want to clarify that the discussion is about less obvious early dating deal-breakers which many people may ignore even if they shouldn't.