How do I squash my feelings down?

[HeavenOrHell]

How do I squash down my love for my ex, how do I stop loving him just because he's no longer in live with me, how do I pretend to myself I don't love him after 18 years of loving him? How do I tell my gut instinct (my gut instinct tells me it feels right to love him) to shut the f*** up?

[madrugada]

Oh, heavenorhell, I wish I had some advice for you. But I don't.

 

Your gut instinct tells you to love him because you do still love him. There's nothing wrong with that. You were together for a long time, and I'll guess that feeling is not going to go away. I know it's not easy giving up on those feelings.

 

I've noticed you are a regular poster on LS and you always give much support and good advice. I'm in the same place you are. And if you were in the room with me I would give you a big hug right now because we both need a big hug.

 

Time, that's all I can say. Time, and time and time. When spring rolls around maybe we'll feel better. In the meantime, we're here for you. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm trying to squash the feelings down myself.

[Perhaps]

Oh, heavenorhell, I wish I had some advice for you. But I don't.

 

Your gut instinct tells you to love him because you do still love him. There's nothing wrong with that. You were together for a long time, and I'll guess that feeling is not going to go away. I know it's not easy giving up on those feelings.

 

I've noticed you are a regular poster on LS and you always give much support and good advice. I'm in the same place you are. And if you were in the room with me I would give you a big hug right now because we both need a big hug.

 

Time, that's all I can say. Time, and time and time. When spring rolls around maybe we'll feel better. In the meantime, we're here for you. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm trying to squash the feelings down myself.

 

I have to agree... the winter makes everything SO much worse.

But even when I'm stuck in my room, I can always come here and check out LS and it makes me feel a little better... I don't know why... it's like being at a big party where everyone understands you and even though no one is physically there, it just feels good to know I'm not alone and neither are you.

 

We're all here to help each other get through this and we will get through this in time.

 

Don't give up.

 

In the meantime, music always helps.

[nobmagnet]

Knowing your situation so well Heaven.................I would say its ok to still love him. Its a frustrating situation I know but when you dont dislike an ex it nigh on impossible to stop loving them. 18 years is such a long time to love and live with somebody and switch those emotions off? Isnt gonna happen. I hope you just manage to live with the love you have for him and just get on with life just in a different way.

 

BIG HUGS

 

nob xx

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you everyone. I feel so fragile now like I'm heading for a breakdown, constant battle of whether to stay friends with him or not, it's like no matter what I choose I'll have a breakdown cos both choices are destroying my sanity.

[Brightmoon]

I totally agree with the posters above. After 18 years, you have a lot of love and memories. Its impossible to squash down.

 

Perhaps what you can squash down are your expectations if you have any regards getting back with him.... that always hurts.

 

Are you still in touch with with your ex?

Regards being his friend, you ARE very fragile and must only do the things that will not hurt you further... but you know that anyway.

Sending lots of love and comfort to you:).

 

(PS... sorry I got your ID wrong.. cannot edit that..)

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, yes stayed in regular touch since he left in july, I haven't managed NC because the thought of not seeing him is even worse than I feel now. Both options are painful so I'm stuck.

 

 

I totally agree with the posters above. After 18 years, you have a lot of love and memories. Its impossible to squash down.

 

Perhaps what you can squash down are your expectations if you have any regards getting back with him.... that always hurts.

 

Are you still in touch with with your ex?

Regards being his friend, you ARE very fragile and must only do the things that will not hurt you further... but you know that anyway.

Sending lots of love and comfort to you:).

[Brightmoon]

Thank you, yes stayed in regular touch since he left in july, I haven't managed NC because the thought of not seeing him is even worse than I feel now. Both options are painful so I'm stuck.

 

When you see him HorH, does it give you any hope in some way?

I mean is there any hope?

 

I think it is very hard for you to begin to get over him while he is still around and POSSIBLY giving you cause for hope.

[HeavenOrHell]

No, he doesn't give me hope, but I look for meaning in things as we still get on so well.

I don't think there's any hope, but I don't want him out of my life for good, I want him as a friend at least.

 

When you see him HorH, does it give you any hope in some way?

I mean is there any hope?

 

I think it is very hard for you to begin to get over him while he is still around and POSSIBLY giving you cause for hope.

[mickleb]

Have you read the book, HoH? x

[Ms. Joolie]

How do I squash down my love for my ex, how do I stop loving him just because he's no longer in live with me, how do I pretend to myself I don't love him after 18 years of loving him? How do I tell my gut instinct (my gut instinct tells me it feels right to love him) to shut the f*** up?

 

Do you think you can allow yourself to love him as a friend now?

 

If you cannot do this, maybe you have to do something drastic, like move, so that he is out of your life and beyond reach.

 

If you have already poured your heart out to him honestly and truly, and he still chooses not to renew the relationship, I think you have to allow yourself to move on. Either love him as a friend or literally move out of his life.

[Ms. Joolie]

Thank you, yes stayed in regular touch since he left in july, I haven't managed NC because the thought of not seeing him is even worse than I feel now. Both options are painful so I'm stuck.

 

 

Love him as a friend then. Does it have to be sexual? It's still romantic if you love him as a friend, even if he doesn't love you that way in return.

 

If he still wants to see you, just be sure he understands that you love him. Love him, but accept that it is not going to be as it was.

 

Allow yourself to meet new people, to do new things, to live your life. You can still enjoy life... there is still happiness and joy and fulfillment for you to discover. Don't give up on yourself, on life.

 

My words are almost blind, because I am not in your situation. I just hope that somehow you are able to find the strength to move on. I feel for you, and am more than happy to share my blind thoughts and help brainstorm in ways that you can move on with your life already, and out of this pain.

 

hugs and best wishes.

[HeavenOrHell]

No, I'd forgotten about it How crap is that. I'm all over the place and forgetting things, can't concentrate, just about keeping going and that's about it. I cant get on with things at home, I'm only productive out of the house at the moment. You went to all that trouble too, I promise I will look at it tomorrow.

 

 

Have you read the book, HoH? x

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not just sex though is it, it's all the sharing you do as partners. I just can't decide which is worse, to just have him as a friend or to cut him out of my life. What I do know is if he meets someone soon and I am feeling as fragile as this then I feel I really can't deal with it, but to cut him out totally I can't deal with either. ARGH.

Yes he wants to see me, but not if it hurts me.

I have said how much he means to me etc etc in letters but not said outright can we try again, cos I know it's 99% sure he doesn't want to and that kind of makes me angry that he's giving up on us and makes me think he didn't leave purely for the reason he gave. And I literally feel I am too fragile to hear him say it will never happen, I don't have support to cope with it. He has all the FREE therapy, I only have it when I can afford it. I can't even go to the only local depression/anxiety support group as he's in it.

I've made several new friends lately, trying to do new things and not let the depression hold me back, I've not put my life on hold, but my heart feels on hold, if you see what I mean.

Thanks hun, this feels like my most fragile phase since he left.

 

 

Love him as a friend then. Does it have to be sexual? It's still romantic if you love him as a friend, even if he doesn't love you that way in return.

 

If he still wants to see you, just be sure he understands that you love him. Love him, but accept that it is not going to be as it was.

 

Allow yourself to meet new people, to do new things, to live your life. You can still enjoy life... there is still happiness and joy and fulfillment for you to discover. Don't give up on yourself, on life.

 

My words are almost blind, because I am not in your situation. I just hope that somehow you are able to find the strength to move on. I feel for you, and am more than happy to share my blind thoughts and help brainstorm in ways that you can move on with your life already, and out of this pain.

 

hugs and best wishes.

[HeavenOrHell]

I really don't want to move, when I met him 18 years ago I was looking to move to this part of the country as it was where I always use to go to for childhood holidays, and he said could he come too. My social anxiety means it has taken me years to build a network of friends and I want to continue the work I do here, I feel so at home and settled here, I need some familiarity, I need my friends. The thought of going somewhere I have no friends is bleak.

But we live in a tiny town which is difficult if we cut ties, and when he meets someone else, ugh.

 

 

 

Do you think you can allow yourself to love him as a friend now?

 

If you cannot do this, maybe you have to do something drastic, like move, so that he is out of your life and beyond reach.

 

If you have already poured your heart out to him honestly and truly, and he still chooses not to renew the relationship, I think you have to allow yourself to move on. Either love him as a friend or literally move out of his life.

[LovelyDaze]

HOH, that's what you should embrace. That after 18 years, you can't just shut off your emotions for the person you love. You don't have to stop loving anybody. Just don't try to keep contact with someone who would do that to you. You know what I would usually say, keep NC, move forward with your life, etc. But something else, ask yourself what you can take with you from the end of the relationship and what you know you must leave behind.

 

There is a lot of good in the relationship lasting that long, if you can believe that. Your experience is wealthy, your love is strong, your resilience is unwavering. You know you have it in you. And just think, you are doing a hell of a lot better than most people who end relationships that only lasted 18 MONTHS.

[Angel1111]

Sometimes we have to learn to love a person from a distance. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It is hard to let go of love and you've known him so long. I think you're going to want to stay friends with him and that may help to ease the pain. You don't need to end the friendship. I know this feeling and it's never good to make yourself do something that goes so completely against your grain.

 

As far as squashing your feelings, I don't recommend that. The pain will eventually go away - I promise. I know it seems like it never will, but it will. Hang in there.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[mickleb]

No, I'd forgotten about it How crap is that. I'm all over the place and forgetting things, can't concentrate, just about keeping going and that's about it. I cant get on with things at home, I'm only productive out of the house at the moment. You went to all that trouble too, I promise I will look at it tomorrow.

 

Don't worry about 'getting it done', just BEGIN it. But do the exercises as you come to them.

 

If you only get 3 pages in, today, no biggie - you have started on a determined path to beat this thing. See it through but in your own time.

 

You're a sweet person, capable of real depth of feeling. I think you will find it a useful navigation tool for your heart and your brain, through these rock mountains.

 

Really hope so, anyway!

 

M x

[Ms. Joolie]

I have said how much he means to me etc etc in letters but not said outright can we try again, cos I know it's 99% sure he doesn't want to and that kind of makes me angry that he's giving up on us and makes me think he didn't leave purely for the reason he gave.

 

What would you tell your ex, if you could be 100% outright? What would you cry to him, yell at him? What are you just dying to communicate to your ex? If you have not been outright in asking him if you two could try again, what else are you not being outright on? I'm afraid you are holding back, and this is costing you a lot of pain.

 

I know that you are scared. You are scared to hear anything that comes out of his mouth that will crush any hope you hold onto. I still think you need to talk to him. He's not evil. He's not your enemy. He's still there for you. Make good use of this relationship.

 

I think you need to begin yelling out what you really want to say to him. (To yourself out loud. Don't yell at him.) I think you need to write it down. Get straight on EVERYTHING you need to vent. List it out. See it in front of your eyes, one by one. Confront every single little thing that is bothering you, write it down.

 

You need to be outright with him. You two were in a relationship for 18 years, and he can't just expect to leave you without supporting you through this as well. He needs to support you, as a decent human being. I give him credit for staying in contact with you, it seems the right thing to do. However, it doesn't seem like you are using this connection as you need to. So don't be afraid to talk to him. Really communicate with him everything you have to.

 

It's not even been a year since you two separated, right? It's all ok, HoH. You're okay. What you are going through must be incredibly painful, but not displaced. You just need more support. Start with him.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Ms. Joolie

[GrayClouds]

HOH, that's what you should embrace.

 

Dont squash it, embrace it. Jump on the bed and make mad a passionate love to it. Roll around and do every lovely and dirty thing you can do to it.

 

And after you exhausted yourself, collect those love stained sheets, put them in the machine with hot water and get on with your day. Say that was great but I got things to do, I got a life to live, and as much fun as that sexy a$$ slap of sentimentality was, it is time to move on and see I am more then that past relationship.

 

As much as we all want to, you just can not stay in bed all day every day. At some point you have to decide to get up.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks hun. I want him to know how devastated I am still, I want him to know how much I love him still, I want him to know how hurt I am still, hurt that he bailed out even though I tried to put things right, hurt because I thought we were worth fighting for, pissed off that he's getting much more support than me even though I'm the one who's been abandoned, upset because I feel he doesn't want to hear how I feel anymore but the first few months he was keen to know and kept asking me, feel he thinks I should be over it by now (don't know that for sure). I think he finds it hard hearing about my pain, feels guilty maybe, don't know.

I wish I had the courage to do a kill or cure thing of surprising him by dragging him off to bed (he felt neglected in that department and I wish I had the opportunity to do things differently!), I think part of him (no not THAT part! Well maybe) would find it attractive if I took control for a change and led him off to bed, don't worry I wont risk doing it but wish I had the guts, but I am 99% sure I would be rejected big time, although he'd be nice about it I feel if I don't drag him off to bed then I need to either write or sit down and say to him tell me there's no hope for us, tell me you don't want to sleep with me or have a relationship with me ever again. I still love you and find it very difficult (head f***) to be just friends after how passionate we used to be and how much we have shared. If there's no rebuilding for us we will probably need space so I can let go, I will get back in touch if and when it feels ok.

I feel like saying (but wouldn't) that I regret the part I played in our break up and I wish I could rebuild with him, knowing where we went wrong, it makes me feel frustrated and sad that I won't get to do those things with him and that I will be doing them with someone else instead in the future, (if I'm lucky) I want to do them with him, not someone else.

I wouldn't yell AT him, (I know you didn't mean I should) but would probably cry if I really let rip with how I've been feeling.

I could probably write at least some of these things, but the thought of saying it face to face really scares me, it's silly, we used to be so open with each other (except with our problems, doh!) totally ourselves with each other, I felt 100% loved and accepted by him, now I don't feel confident with him since he dumped me!!

I want him to know I need to go to the support group he goes to, I need him to drop out as he has other free therapy and I don't, and frankly I am feeling a hell of lot more vulnerable than he is.

I sent him a hurtful text a few weeks as I was feeling hurt by the fact that a group of my old friends support him and not me, to the extent I feel he no longer needs me as a partner how he has all these adoring females (mostly gay but not all of them) as well as the fact he gets all the free therapy, that text hurt him and he said he never wanted to get one like that again and that surely there must be other people I can talk to about it. That really hurt me, no I don't always have others to talk to, like he does.

I'm hurt that we've not been allowed to hug or even put kisses on texts since he left, as it would 'complicate' things, his friends get hugs but I don't now.

I feel like I'm suffocating as I have all these feelings, I want to put things right with him and I'm not allowed to. ARGH!

But, even though he will say he doesn't want to rebuild, he has changed his mind/feelings about us before so how will I know for sure. I guess though like a friend said to me, I will have to believe what he says in the here and now and work with that, don't look ahead.

I'm seeing Relate tomorrow (counselling I pay for), I will talk it all through with her.

Thanks so much for your support hun, it's been so helpful

 

What would you tell your ex, if you could be 100% outright? What would you cry to him, yell at him? What are you just dying to communicate to your ex? If you have not been outright in asking him if you two could try again, what else are you not being outright on? I'm afraid you are holding back, and this is costing you a lot of pain.

 

I know that you are scared. You are scared to hear anything that comes out of his mouth that will crush any hope you hold onto. I still think you need to talk to him. He's not evil. He's not your enemy. He's still there for you. Make good use of this relationship.

 

I think you need to begin yelling out what you really want to say to him. (To yourself out loud. Don't yell at him.) I think you need to write it down. Get straight on EVERYTHING you need to vent. List it out. See it in front of your eyes, one by one. Confront every single little thing that is bothering you, write it down.

 

You need to be outright with him. You two were in a relationship for 18 years, and he can't just expect to leave you without supporting you through this as well. He needs to support you, as a decent human being. I give him credit for staying in contact with you, it seems the right thing to do. However, it doesn't seem like you are using this connection as you need to. So don't be afraid to talk to him. Really communicate with him everything you have to.

 

It's not even been a year since you two separated, right? It's all ok, HoH. You're okay. What you are going through must be incredibly painful, but not displaced. You just need more support. Start with him.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well I wish I could do this to HIM

Thanks GC

 

 

Dont squash it, embrace it. Jump on the bed and make mad a passionate love to it. Roll around and do every lovely and dirty thing you can do to it.

 

And after you exhausted yourself, collect those love stained sheets, put them in the machine with hot water and get on with your day. Say that was great but I got things to do, I got a life to live, and as much fun as that sexy a$$ slap of sentimentality was, it is time to move on and see I am more then that past relationship.

 

As much as we all want to, you just can not stay in bed all day every day. At some point you have to decide to get up.

[GrayClouds]

Well I wish I could do this to HIM

Thanks GC

 

More importantly there is someone else out there just dying for you to do it to them but they are not going to show up until you let go of this old relationship, give yourself the emtional discipline and self love to heal, and find that level of contentment within you that even being single is ok. and that is when that person will trip over your shoes, look of at you and say "Wow, I just fell in love"

[HeavenOrHell]

Realistically though a lot of people aren't truly happy unless they are in a loving, fulfilling relationship are they?

No man is an island.

 

More importantly there is someone else out there just dying for you to do it to them but they are not going to show up until you let go of this old relationship, give yourself the emtional discipline and self love to heal, and find that level of contentment within you that even being single is ok. and that is when that person will trip over your shoes, look of at you and say "Wow, I just fell in love"

[GrayClouds]

Realistically though a lot of people aren't truly happy unless they are in a loving, fulfilling relationship are they?

No man is an island.

 

A quality relationship can only add to your happiness. And while I do not have a lady next to me at the moment I am in multiple loving and fulfilling relationships. One is with my best friends or should call them family. Second is with my family. The third is with a group of old ladies that I have coffee with almost every day.

 

Yes you will say "you know what I mean..." but the fact is these are the relationship that really sustain most of us in our life. S.O. often come and go. Bridge you island with these relationship and your life is not dependent on just one person.

 

If you focus on what you do have there is a greater satisfaction then focus on what you do not have.

Edited January 14, 2010 by GrayClouds