pinklili Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 My mom is one of those people who would never admit she's wrong. She has been overbearing and controlling while I was growing up and at the same time gave me 0 attention. Never concerning herself with me unless I did something she disapproves of. For example, she never asked about my schoolwork, but when I didn't get full scores on my math SATs she flipped out and we had a huge fight about whether I should take it again. Her argument wasn't that it would be better for my college applications, but rather that as HER daughter, how could I NOT get a perfect score. I don't feel close to her or comfortable communicating with her, especially when it comes to how I feel. While I was growing up, she did not have much time, spending it all in making money and I do appreciate her putting me through school. I know on some level she wants the best for me and cares about me, but it feels like it's her way or no way. I've gone off to school and graduated, but moved back home because of financial reasons. My mom's house is also located in an area where there may be more employment opportunities for me. I'm in my late 20s. She treats me the exact same way as she did when I was 15, adding on the financial leverage. Basically, "break up with the guy you're dating, that I don't like, or I won't help you." She would rather have me be not successful, then be successful and dating the guy she doesn't like. She has met him and as spent a total of 1.5 weeks with him, during 2 separate vacation periods. I admit he can be difficult and probably gave a bad first impression, but I don't think she knows him well enough to be this judgmental. He's nice to me. While he's not super generous with his money because we just started dating, he has provided housing for me for the past year and has lend me money for living expenses. He has a masters degree, a stable job, and is not abusive. He doesn't smoke, drink, or have any serious problems. I've been friends with him for over 10 years. I also feel like this is my choice, whether to break up with him or not and I shouldn't be bullied into leaving him. If she could make up reasons for not liking him, then she can make up reasons for not liking any other guy I date. She thinks that he's controlling me, and through controlling me, he is controlling her. She says he has "brainwashed" me. She thinks he is out to get her money. She says she doesn't trust me with her money or taking care of my brother if something were to happen to her. I don't know where she is getting these ideas. While my boyfriend may not be a super angel, he's not a schemer and definitely not a bad person (my friends agree with me on this point, so it's not just my lovey dovey idea of him). I don't feel like I've been brainwashed and haven't done anything irresponsible. I've tried to explain my position to her, but she refuse to understand. I said I don't need her help if that is her position and that I'll figure things out on my own. If I have to move out and live with a friend, or move in with my boyfriend, I'll do that. That was definitely not the answer she was pushing me toward. So in response, she complained about him some more. Eliciting no reaction from me (I have become numb to her complains and no longer try to explain the truth to her), she says she has depression and that she doesn't trust me because of him, then threw a tantrum, screaming and stumping, the whole 9 yards and then disappeared for 30 hours. Later I found out that the things, twisted arguments and complaints had been lectured to my 14 year old brother earlier that day. It's like she rehearsed it and tried it out on him first to see if she could convince him. She makes up her own reality in her mind and badmouth about me and my boyfriend to every one of my family member. I don't know who she has spoken to, but I am sure all my aunts are on her side of the fence. She has badmouthed about me to my extended family before like telling people I live a super luxurious life, multiplying my expenditures by 10, and how wasteful I am. She has badmouthed about my previous boyfriends as well. I don't trust her and I don't know how to resolve this conflict. I am convinced that I can't live with her much longer, but I would prefer to leave on a more neutral condition, then a storm out. I no longer knows how to communicate with her since I don't think anything I say register and I feel an overwhelming desire to avoid her. Any suggestions or ideas of what to do?
nobody's girl Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I was in a similar situation. It is definitely easier if you have a plan and a little bit of money. And, if at all possible, put some distance between you. Just moving out and staying in town isn't going to be enough. I actually moved 900 miles away to a state where I only knew one other person. Don't storm out and don't mention you're leaving until you have everything in place. Then just say you're leaving and go. No matter what you do or say, she's still going to make it a huge issue and try to push all of your buttons. Don't engage her, don't participate in the argument, just walk away. I stayed in touch with my mother for a few years after leaving. But even the phone calls were enough to spark a migraine. A toxic person will always be toxic. Eventually I just stopped calling her. She called me off and on for a while after that; always acting like we had been close and I had just blown her off. She just couldn't see that she was never there for me as a child and I had no desire to be there for her as an adult. It's been 3+ years since we last spoke. Yes, sometimes I feel a little guilty about that. But then I see people who have healthy relationships with their mothers and see what I missed out on because she didn't want that kind of relationship. That's usually enough to remind me that calling her will just bring back all the negative stuff and I just don't need that in my life. Just be strong!
Author pinklili Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Thanks. This is a rough time for me. I appreciate your post.
kristinabopp Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 pinklili! read my thread! im actually kinda in the same situation like you, specially just right now, now at this moment while im typing this, my mom is talking crap again to me. cursing me whatever just because of money and work. wtf is wrong with parents today!!! your not alone.
Calendula Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Whatever you end up doing, don't break up with your boyfriend just because your mom doesn't like him and constantly lets you know it. If you really like this guy, then do what you need to to stay with him and stay sane, even if it means putting some distance between you and your mother. Ultimately YOU are the one who will have to live with your decisions, and if you are thinking about marrying him, you will be the one living with him, not her. You're an adult, and only you can decide what is or is not right for your life. Your mother no longer gets a say in it; she had her chance when you were young. While we will always seek our parents approval on some level, you shouldn't let her opinion be the final deciding factor for what you do in your life. You, after all, are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions and actions, not her. Be strong. You may never get through to her with what you say, but you may be able to reach her by what you do,, and from what you describe, leaving her house and moving in with your friends or your boyfriend may be your best option. Don't let her control you. And don't let the opinions of others determine what is best for you. Best of luck.
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