i dont know if we'll make it...

[lillymountain]

ok, some of you already know parts of my story...

 

my boyfriend is the one i want.

we had 4 months of a ormal and very harmonic and emotinally intense reltionship and since september we are long distance.

 

both working a lot, me working and studying and till christmas with no perspective to get into a reasonable routine - looked like we would see each other only every 2-3 months

 

we started to talk about me moving to his place, cause we couldnt see another way, knowing that this might be too early

i was a bit scared, he too, obviously, but once in a while he said things like "its an option, if we dont find another solution you just come"

 

i found another solution, ill reduce working hours, get 3-4 days off a week and will be flying over heaps (up to 3 times a month)

 

it was pretty stressfull for me to get through with this arrangement at work, it consumed a lot of my energy (it was on the edge to loose my job) and i could not communicate with him propperly, for several reasons.

 

so i confronted him with those news a week before christmas and his reaction was a bit weard.

he said, cool, thats gonna take presure of him

and he'll give me keys

but it was no yes yipiie!

so was a bit disappointed, having fought a battle at work

so i thought maybe he wanted me to move there and is a bit disappointed now

i asked him and he said plainly no, not at all

 

and suddenly me moving there became a no-go-topic

 

i know i have found a better solution, but after all this stress, with all my exams ahead (and i used most of my energy to get things done for us - yes i know, my decision, my fault), i became extremly insecure.

 

we spent 10 days at christmas together and talked about it a lot

 

and he said i should please understand, that he was just scared, that London would wear me out, that i would suffocate, that he wanted me to get my studies done and not to give up my independence.

 

important detail: the winter before we met another girl, he calls her a fling, moved into his place and he made her move out after 3 months (she was an old friend from home - he is not english, just living there- and she first stayed with some friends and then the started whatever and she moved in)

 

so i sayed i was a bit hurt, because she lived with him and he was so difficult about me moving there - the answer was: "i did not care if it worked out with her or not, becuase i couldnt see any future. i want us to work and to let it grow slowly and im afraid that it would be too much pressure."

 

 

so, well, i didnt get that really.

and was and im still not relaxed enough to handle this without any pressure, which would probably be the best.

 

we had a big big fight before he flew home

me crying and telling him i didnt understand

he telling me, that it frustrated him to tell me over and over how much he loves me and i just wouldnt listen

and: i really love you, i really care and i'm looking forward to spend more time together with you.

 

 

 

i do not know

i feel like running away

on the other hand i know that this migth be a childich overreaction and i think i cannot judge the situation very well, until im done with my exams for this semester and my work situation calms down.

 

 

maybe it is a chrisis we have to go through and get stronger together and i have to learn to look more after myself

 

but even with this solution im putting so much effort into this - it might sound cool to fly to london 3 times a month, but that makes my personal schedule extremely thight and it is stressfull.

 

he'll just come once in a while, mainly cause he doesnt get that much time off and his visa doesnt allow him to travel too much

 

btw: he earns pretty well and he pays for all my flights

 

 

for some reason he needs to slow down or whatever, could also be, that im getting clingy, the distance and his reaction made me clingy and needy, i can notice it myself

 

 

any opinions?

 

thank you for reading.....

[Angel1111]

First rule of thumb to always keep in mind from here on out - let the guy put in the effort to see you, to make it happen more often, whatever. Don't rearrange your life to accomodate a guy. This is always a bad move for a woman.

 

Probably the reason he's not so quick for you to move in the way the other girl did is because he realized it was a mistake to let her move in because then she had to physically move out when they broke up. He's probably also having second thoughts because you're acting insecure. I understand why you're acting that way but men do not see things in the same way. This kind of behavior usually just drives them away. I'm not saying he's going to leave you but it's probably causing him to behave more distantly.

 

At this point, you may just want to leave things as they are and go with the flow. Try to enjoy the relationship as it is and see what happens. If you're not happy doing that, then you probably need to get out of it.

[AnnPod]

Hello lillymountain,

 

yes, this distance is painful, and sometimes you want it to end at once, now, as soon as possible, because you feel sad, you would do anything that it takes to do it, you already have started to arrange things, so why why why does he not act the way you want him to?

 

Reading your post I feel like a huge part of your motivation to move to him is also the fear that it won't work out if you don't. But I also have the impression you are now very much driven by your fears and nervous feelings, since your were writing you are putting more energy in this than in your own life, in your studies etc. The question is: Are you really ready to make a decision like that, when you are so much driven by sad feelings?

 

I think your boyfriend might feel the same. Just look, he insists he loves you, he does not want you to be under preassure, he pays for your flights. He probably won't rush things because he feels you are not at the point to make decisions like that, which does not mean he doesn't love you, or he sees no future with you, but right the opposite - he wants to be sure you make your decision from a more relaxed point of view, when you are more able to know what it really is you want.

 

My advise would be to find strategies to become more balanced and relax your mind which would also help you to minimize the insecurity feelings. Don't be driven by your fears that 'you might not make it.' As a matter of fact, at the moment both of you seem very committed

 

All the best,

 

Anna

[lillymountain]

Thank you both for answering my post so quickly

 

i'm already calming down, but i know its gonna take us both a while to get back into a stressfree and harmonic relation.

 

i have to reconsider things, not if i want to be with him, but the hows and whens...

and what i expect from yhe relation, what he wants and if we are on the way to meet in the middle.

i really thought he wanted me there, he got super scared and seeing him scared and distant made me resentful and feeling very insecure as well.

 

i know we love each other i "just" need to get out of this vicious circle of being insecure and shutting down towards him.

he might have reasons to act the way he does and the best would be to understand him even if im hurt.

 

i have 5 exams the next two weeks and have to concentrate on them - and then we are off together for 2 weeks of vaccations

 

so, time will tell, i guess

[lillymountain]

why, why is it so easy to feel insecure and lost when your SO is far away???

 

and why is it so hard to feel connected without constant phonecalls and texting?

 

why is it so hard for me to focus on my life now without pulling back from him?

 

my dad said to me: lilly, love it when you dont see each other for three months and when you meet and look each other in the eye you feel you belong together....

...i wish i could be like this

[AnnPod]

Nobody said it was easy...

 

Your doubts are normal I think, just keep in mind that you grow as a person with challenging situations.

 

I always think things happen for a reason. So just as we say in my country, shut your eyes and go through it.

[lillymountain]

@annpod

 

augen zu und durch?

 

ich sprech auch deutsch...!

[AnnPod]

Ja, das meinte ich

 

Ich hoffe, dir geht's besser...