conflicted friend Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 My best friend who lives in another state has been involved with a married man for more than a year. This has caused tremendous strain on our friendship for many reasons but we have until now dealt with it by agreeing to disagree on this topic. I'm not justifying her behavior but on some level, I think she may have ended up in this situation because she was vulnerable after a bitter drawn out divorce. Plus, at the end of the day, I hold out hope that she will ultimately do the right thing for everyone and end the affair since the other man has young children. I received a very disturbing phone call at home the other day from a woman asking me how I knew her husband, why my number was showing up repeatedly over the last 7 months on his cell phone and she accused me of sleeping with her husband. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that my home number was showing up 10, 20 times for two or three days at a time and several times throughout the year. My heart sank because the caller ID showed an area code that was in my friend's city and I realized that all those dates she said my number came up on her husband's cell phone were dates my friend was visiting me last year! My friend uses my phone when she visits and I hadn't thought anything of it. I realized in that moment that I was talking to the wife of the married man she's been involved with. I told the wife that I knew who she was looking for but that I wasn't going to give her any information and hung up. I called my friend immediately and told her what happened and that I was worried that it would be only a matter of time before the wife found out about her. My friend told me to stay out of her business and let her handle it. Well...what ensued was an angry argument between us. I pleaded with her to end it because she was on borrowed time. The wife was very threatening to me in our phone call and I feel like my friend involved me when she chose to use my phone to contact her married lover. The wife has since left me several very threatening voice mails saying she will find out where I live if I don't tell her what I know. I'm grappling with whether to call the wife just to end the threatening calls but given how hostile she's been in our calls and in the voice mails, I'm concerned she will do something to harm my friend. Even though I am angry at my friend for using my phone to call this man, I would hate to see harm come her way. I've notified my local law enforcement and what they've said is that there is no basis for an order of protection at this point. FRUSTRATING! I've never found myself in a situation like this and just don't know what to do. I don't think I'm dealing with people who are thinking rationally/clearly. Do I stay loyal to my friend or do I tell the wife and let the chips fall where they may.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 The next time the wife calls up, agree to speak with her, providing she remains rational, and listens to you. Explain to her that somebody else has been using your 'phone, and that you know it sounds implausible, and you apologise if she doesn't believe you, but that's the truth. However, you suggest she confront her husband and ask him to confirm that his lover does not live where you do, but in this other state. Tell her to ask him simply... *your state*, or *her state*? That's it. Then tell her to call you when she's confirmed it with him. Hopefully, she will do this. Then, again, hopefully, she will call you to confirm what he says, but undoubtedly, she will ask you to identify this other person. Respond, and explain: You are already seething mad that this person has dropped you into so much trouble, that you refuse to become involved in this any further. This is not your problem, neither should it ever have been. Any other information she wants should be drawn out of her cheating husband. He is the one she should be pinning down, not you. besides which, tell her: It's really not important who he's had an affair with. The important thing is that he's had an affair at all. That's the issue she should be concentrating on. That, and making his life unbearable, for a while. Finally, ask her please to never contact you again. Or you will take further action. Good luck with this.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Give the woman your friends name. I can't believe a friend would put you in a situation where you would have to lie to protect her cheating arse, especially when she knows that you don't condone her actions. I don't EVER want a friend that I have to lie for. Your friend sounds like a selfish, manipulative, brat. I would have told as soon as I figured it out. What kind of person would put you on the spot. Ofcourse the wife is upset, your friend is putting herself into a dangerous situation and that's HER decision and her consequences to face. Its hard to agree to disagree when someone chooses to involve you in their screwed up way of thinking.
temple Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 He is the one she should be pinning down, not you. This is the key here. The argument should be between both of them.
bentnotbroken Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I am all for telling the BS, but in this case change your number and drop your friend. She didn't care about your well being after you told her the phone calls were threatening. She isn't a friend. Why would a friend put you in that position? It is good you have gone to the police. But if this persists, I would give up the friend's name, she already sacrificed you.
crystal_lostheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Can't believe your friend did that! And then she tells you 'not to get involved in her business'. Well why the f**k did she involve you to the extent you're now being threatened?! If the W calls again, I would tell her 'speak to your H'. Then change your number. As for your friend- that's for you to decide. If it was me - seeya later!!
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Oh yeah, definitely - I would be so mad with my so-called friend, I wouldn't want her an inch nearer to me than where she is right now. She really did over-step it, big time. They do say a good friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move the body. I wouldn't want her moving my bowels.
81West Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 It's your friend's job to get you out of this one. Tell her that you are experiencing stress and confusion for something you have nothing to do with, and that it's not fair. Tell her it needs to stop, and that she and the husband will have to figure out how to make that happen in a way that doesn't ask anything further of you. Give her a deadline, after which you will redirect any calls to her. In the meantime, tell the wife that you're sorry she's dealing with this but you are simply not the person she believes she is talking to and that future calls will not be picked up. Wish her well, but emphasize that you won't allow harassment and will pursue legal remedies if it continues. You'll be doing your friend a favour, as the husbands loyalties here will not likely fall on her side.
Spark1111 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I agree with Bent. You were USED. You are taking the emotional fallout from a BS whose issue is with her husband and your friend, and your friend is allowing you feel the brunt of this woman's wrath. Not only unfair, but SO DISRESPECTFUL. I would demand this friend call the wife immediately and fess up that you were not the caller. To leave YOU alone. And if your friend refuses to do so, I would inform this friend that you will tell the woman that it is your friend who she should be calling and provide the phone number because you cannot take anymore harassment. Then do it. Period. I had an employee who had an affair with a MM, and when the wife intercepted the cell phone bill, she began to call all the numbers, including our office number, hell bent to speak with the OW (my employee). My employee refused to pick up twice in the workplace! I then told her in no uncertain terms, that the MM's wife could NOT call the work place again; that she had 24 hours to speak with the wife and get her private life OUT OF MY LIFE AND OFFICE, or I would supply all the personal information (phone numbers) I had on my employee to prevent the continuous calling of the workplace. She did it. Lose a friend, or lose a job, but you should NOT be held hostage by your friend's private life mess.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Your friend has now involved you in her affair and brought drama into your life..And it seems she doesn't really care about the effect it's having on you. YOU are the one now dealing with threats and calls from MM's wife. I say tell the wife next time she calls what is going on, that it isn't you, that sadly her husband is having an affair and it's with your friend, that you realized she has been using your phone to call him but no more. I hope the wife believes you and leaves you alone.
howcouldInotknow Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I think what your friend did was really shady. But I also think that you should not be the one to blow the whistle on this affair. Tell his wife if she calls you again you will be reporting her to the police. Let her deal with her husband. Dont tell her anymore than what you have especially since your details may not be 100% correct.
PhoenixRise Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 To me the problem is not so much that your friend's mess spilled over in to your life (It happens). The problems is that when her problems started affecting you, she didn't step up to clean up her own mess. She didn't protect you. She just left you on the hot seat, all for a situation that is her doing. She started the fire but she want you to take the heat. If you still value this friendship (I can't imagine why you would) tell her she has 24 hours to make this situation go away because after that, if the wife calls you will pass on the friends name and phone number. If you don't value the friendship anymore, just take your friend's actions at face value. Her actions show that she is priortizing covering her own behind and protecting the affair OVER protecting you from the consequences of her actions. In this case don't warn her about anything. The next time the wife calls you have a chat with her and tell her what you know. AND the wife will be calling back. Others have said you should direct her to her H. The problem is she feels that she can't trust what he tells her. So she called you thinking she could get to the truth and You confirmed that you know the truth. If she thought she could get the truth from her H she never would have called you in the first place. Good luck.
Author conflicted friend Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Thanks everyone for your responses and advice. This has been a huge help. I'm sure she'll call again so once I have that final call with her, I'm changing my number. My boyfriend has also made an electronic recording of every message she's left me along with evidence of the date and caller details in case this flares up. She's called 4 times and left threatening voice mails in this last weekend so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before she calls again. If she's found my information, I'm sure it's just a matter of time before she stumbles across the actual other woman/or my so-called best friend. I'll let you all know what happens.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 You could just call MM yourself and tell him to deal with his wife and end it with your friend. Sooner or later 'something' is going to happen and it's not going to be good. Everyone is going to suffer and be in pain! And chances are, the MM IS going to choose his wife if push comes to shove and he'll throw your friend under the bus, turn it all around on her. Stay safe and don't be afraid to call 911 if need be.
Angel1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) I'm not so sure that your friend is really that good of a friend. If I had put a friend of mine in a position like this, I would've been horrified. If I were you, I would just tell the wife that her husband is having an affair and let her deal with it from there. You might want to reconsider how much time you spend with your 'friend'. She doesn't seem at all concerned about your welfare, nor does she seem to like taking responsibility for her actions. Edited January 11, 2010 by Angel1111
NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 You have a boyfriend? Then have him call her and tell her what happened with your number showing up on her bill. I would expose this friend as the fraud that she is. She should have at least asked if it were okay to use your phone to call her MM. How much she disrespected YOU! She is not a friend. No matter what you decide, I highly recommend dropping her from your social calendar.
Angel1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 What I'm wondering is why your home phone number is the only consistent number that's showing up. Why isn't your friend's cell phone or office or home numbers not catching the wife's attention?
NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 What I'm wondering is why your home phone number is the only consistent number that's showing up. Why isn't your friend's cell phone or office or home numbers not catching the wife's attention? The W is probably calling all strange numbers. The friend's number is probably not showing up because it might be a secret phone, or she regularly uses other people's phones to hide her involvement. Either way, I am sure the W is calling every number that she doesn't know.
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 My best friend who lives in another state has been involved with a married man for more than a year. This has caused tremendous strain on our friendship for many reasons but we have until now dealt with it by agreeing to disagree on this topic. I'm not justifying her behavior but on some level, I think she may have ended up in this situation because she was vulnerable after a bitter drawn out divorce. Plus, at the end of the day, I hold out hope that she will ultimately do the right thing for everyone and end the affair since the other man has young children. I received a very disturbing phone call at home the other day from a woman asking me how I knew her husband, why my number was showing up repeatedly over the last 7 months on his cell phone and she accused me of sleeping with her husband. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that my home number was showing up 10, 20 times for two or three days at a time and several times throughout the year. My heart sank because the caller ID showed an area code that was in my friend's city and I realized that all those dates she said my number came up on her husband's cell phone were dates my friend was visiting me last year! My friend uses my phone when she visits and I hadn't thought anything of it. I realized in that moment that I was talking to the wife of the married man she's been involved with. I told the wife that I knew who she was looking for but that I wasn't going to give her any information and hung up. I called my friend immediately and told her what happened and that I was worried that it would be only a matter of time before the wife found out about her. My friend told me to stay out of her business and let her handle it. Well...what ensued was an angry argument between us. I pleaded with her to end it because she was on borrowed time. The wife was very threatening to me in our phone call and I feel like my friend involved me when she chose to use my phone to contact her married lover. The wife has since left me several very threatening voice mails saying she will find out where I live if I don't tell her what I know. I'm grappling with whether to call the wife just to end the threatening calls but given how hostile she's been in our calls and in the voice mails, I'm concerned she will do something to harm my friend. Even though I am angry at my friend for using my phone to call this man, I would hate to see harm come her way. I've notified my local law enforcement and what they've said is that there is no basis for an order of protection at this point. FRUSTRATING! I've never found myself in a situation like this and just don't know what to do. I don't think I'm dealing with people who are thinking rationally/clearly. Do I stay loyal to my friend or do I tell the wife and let the chips fall where they may. This is a very difficult situation and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Everybody makes mistakes, and this was a doozy....record all phone calls from the BS and personally I would tell her she needs to deal with her H, and that an aquaintance used your phone and to leave you alone as she has no right to be bothering you. I wouldn't give the BS any names, she sounds quite out of control....I would contact her H though and jack him up! I will be thinking (praying) for your safety....
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 What a mess. As this woman believes YOU are the OW...YOU need to take actions to prove your innocence...because she rightfully (from her perspective) doesn't believe you. Question is...what are those actions? If I were you, I would call the woman and tell her the truth. That you are NOT the OW and you know who is. I would then provide the name and number of your "friend". I would then say your "friend" used your phone to contact him...you saw her using it but didn't until recently put two and two together. Apologize for the situation and ask her nicely but firmly to STOP calling you. Then walk. You do this for YOU. You got dragged into this and YOU need to get yourself out. And...you are NOT betraying a friend, she clearly isn't one TO you. YOU are getting unwanted and unneeded drama out of your life.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 She involved whether she likes it or not. By using your phone, you are now entangled in her mess. You are now being looked at like a homewrecker etc. W's anger is being directly wrongly at you, and your friend doesn't seem to care for your safety. I would tell the W that she should take it up with her H, not you, you are nothing to do with this but a phone number that shouldn't have been used in the first place. Failing that, I'd drop her the name, because it's not worth the hassle, and intentionally or otherwise, your friend involved you and this isn't fair or right. She can't care too much for you if she's prepared to do this to you.
silverplanets Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 When I was seeing a MW I was sharing a house with a friend. At times it used to overspill and affect his life (she would come over to stay etc) .. at one point the H decided that the freind was the one she was having an affair with not me and began to follow that line of enquiry. The subsequent details is not that important but all I want to point out is that after the A blew up big time I ended up under the proverbial bus it was my friend who came round to my new place to made sure I didn't do anything stupid, made sure I ate at at a time when I just couldn't be bothered and invested a lot of time in trying to help me survive that stage. In the midst of the A my friend did say he needed me to move out although not because of the stress of the A. Looking back now I think he probably did ask me to move out to keep out of the firing line (there were a lot of real physical threats from the ex-forces H). At the time I wasn't behaving as a good friend, but equally I wasn't behaving particularly rational about anything, the A had completely taken me over. I don't know what the answer is for this situation, but I do know that looking back I truly appreciate how my friend helped me and also completely understand his need to protect his own life from the effects of it. Most of us know that ultimately the OW here is going to be crashed to the ground and will need her friends. I guess what one chooses depends upon the value one places on the friendship and how much one puts down her current behaviour to the emotional roller-coaster that the A situation brings on.
Angel1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 At the time I wasn't behaving as a good friend, but equally I wasn't behaving particularly rational about anything, the A had completely taken me over. Yes, but did you get angry with your friend and tell him to mind his own business, or did you feel bad about involving your friend in that mess? I would be horrified for doing this to a friend and the last thing I'd do is get mad at him/her. That's the problem with her 'friend' - she got angry about it, instead of apologizing for unknowingly getting her caught in the crossfire.
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