My Gym Bunny - Why Do Women Do This?

[CaliGuy]

An update from last night. One of the staff at the gym showed me the gym bunny's husband. So she is or was married for a fact.

 

Than I proceeded to stay the hell away from her. When the class started I made sure I was on the other side of the room far, far away from her where I did not have to look at her nor speak to her. When I left the gym I made sure I went out the other way so I would not run into her.

 

So here is the question, if I maintain my distance I assume she will just back off, correct?

 

Problem solved. No drama right?

 

No, you did not "solve" the problem. You just avoided it. I don't understand why you just can't be upfront and honest with her:

 

"Look, it's my understanding that you are married and I am uncomfortable with the amount of attention I am receiving from you. It's OK to say to hi and how are you but I would like to leave it at that."

 

No offense, but that's what a strong, confident man would do. It seems insecure from my perspective to see you just duck out/avoid having to deal with it. No, you didn't bring this on yourself but you CAN take care of the problem by facing it head-on.

 

Cheers

[PinkToes]

No, you did not "solve" the problem. You just avoided it. I don't understand why you just can't be upfront and honest with her:

 

"Look, it's my understanding that you are married and I am uncomfortable with the amount of attention I am receiving from you. It's OK to say to hi and how are you but I would like to leave it at that."

 

No offense, but that's what a strong, confident man would do. It seems insecure from my perspective to see you just duck out/avoid having to deal with it. No, you didn't bring this on yourself but you CAN take care of the problem by facing it head-on.

 

^ This. I'm a big fan of the direct approach. You may never know why she's behaving this way, but it doesn't really matter. Unless you're interested in pursuing something with her, which it doesn't sound like you are.

[tincanman99]

Here is the truth, she is really cute, has a great disposition and personality. I could easily get myself involved with her as I am very attracted to her and there is a great vibe. Have been since the first time I met her.

 

I wont lie about it because I have been trying to convince myself its not so. But it is.

 

That being said, this is just plain bad. No good can come from it and I can see it getting out of hand. Unfortunately I do like her.

 

I tend not to be direct in stressfull situations like this but maybe I need to be. Thanks for all the input.

[norajane]

No, you did not "solve" the problem. You just avoided it. I don't understand why you just can't be upfront and honest with her:

 

"Look, it's my understanding that you are married and I am uncomfortable with the amount of attention I am receiving from you. It's OK to say to hi and how are you but I would like to leave it at that."

 

No offense, but that's what a strong, confident man would do. It seems insecure from my perspective to see you just duck out/avoid having to deal with it. No, you didn't bring this on yourself but you CAN take care of the problem by facing it head-on.

 

Cheers

 

I agree with you that he should be direct with her, but all she's done is say hi, how are you, do you have new year's plans, happy new year. It doesn't sound like she's said or done anything other than general pleasantries that you might say to anyone you see regularly. I have exactly those kinds of conversations with my dry cleaner, the security guy at my office, the guys that do the weekly maintenance on our building...

 

So it seems kinda like jumping the gun to lead with "you're making me uncomfortable" until she actually does something beyond what she's done, like ask him out for coffee or something. Which she may never do!

 

If she does, though, then absolutely - say something direct like that. At this point, I don't think it's warranted and will make things awkward for no real reason that I can perceive.

 

It sounds to me like he's making himself uncomfortable, or he's uncomfortable with his attraction to her. So if she's just being friendly, she's going to be awfully confused that he's blaming her for his being uncomfortable with pleasantries.

Edited January 13, 2010 by norajane

[tincanman99]

Normally I would agree with you that she is just being friendly. I went through this all in my head many times already but this is beyond friendly.

 

I can tell the difference when someone is just making small talk and someone who is interested. She is all smiley, excited and totally enthusiastic about seeing me. This is not like seeing your dry cleaner .

 

She comes over to talk to me, she doesnt do this with anyone else. I have been in this gym for a year and taking the same classes, after a while you know people's patterns.

 

When she first started doing it, I was like huh. This cant be right - she doesnt really know me.

 

Than other women said it looks like you have a new admirer. They said its quite obvious she has a crush on you.

 

I am sure you are wondering why I am freaking out. Honestly I dont know.

[PinkToes]

Flirting is one thing, but I think if some married dude at the gym started touching me, I'd probably tell him it made me uncomfortable. No reason it should be any different for women, IMO.

[norajane]

Well, you know best since you're there and if you feel it's undue attention and you don't like it, then being direct is a better resolution that trying to avoid her all the time.

 

I'd say wait for a moment when she's making you uncomfortable and say so. Just be calm and matter-of-fact, rather than aggressive. Who knows? Maybe she's gotten divorced within the last year and is ready to date again.

[CaliGuy]

Normally I would agree with you that she is just being friendly. I went through this all in my head many times already but this is beyond friendly.

 

I can tell the difference when someone is just making small talk and someone who is interested. She is all smiley, excited and totally enthusiastic about seeing me. This is not like seeing your dry cleaner .

 

She comes over to talk to me, she doesnt do this with anyone else. I have been in this gym for a year and taking the same classes, after a while you know people's patterns.

 

When she first started doing it, I was like huh. This cant be right - she doesnt really know me.

 

Than other women said it looks like you have a new admirer. They said its quite obvious she has a crush on you.

 

I am sure you are wondering why I am freaking out. Honestly I dont know.

 

That's why I told you to be direct with her. It makes no sense for her to cross your boundaries and for you to do nothing about it. Put your foot down with her (kindly, gently) and let her know that while you appreciate the attention she is paying you that her behavior (if she is indeed married) is unwelcome.

 

If she was single, I'd say "GO FOR IT" (Coz I would too and I am no dummy, I KNOW when a woman is interested) but married women?!

 

HANDS OFF (and that means she isn't to touch you, either).

 

I wonder if they have some kind of open marriage. Ugh, why do people get married if they can't stay faithful?! Sheesh.

[tincanman99]

That's why I told you to be direct with her. It makes no sense for her to cross your boundaries and for you to do nothing about it. Put your foot down with her (kindly, gently) and let her know that while you appreciate the attention she is paying you that her behavior (if she is indeed married) is unwelcome.

 

If she was single, I'd say "GO FOR IT" (Coz I would too and I am no dummy, I KNOW when a woman is interested) but married women?!

 

HANDS OFF (and that means she isn't to touch you, either).

 

I wonder if they have some kind of open marriage. Ugh, why do people get married if they can't stay faithful?! Sheesh.

 

I think you are 100% on target with this, I need to be nice and just say something along the lines that we need to tone this down. Some have suggested asking point blank if she is married. As you said if she was single, I would be all over it. But as far as I know she isnt.

 

If she is not than just leave it alone. No need to be hyper friendly towards me. Just say hi and go about her business. I am fine with that.

 

Besides the hyper friendly and touching the really scary thing is her husband goes to the same gym. She is pretty brave to be doing this when he could be in the gym and seeing it. It could be very ugly. I dont think she knows that I know she is married.

[Left in a Lurch]

I think you are 100% on target with this, I need to be nice and just say something along the lines that we need to tone this down. Some have suggested asking point blank if she is married. As you said if she was single, I would be all over it. But as far as I know she isnt.

 

If she is not than just leave it alone. No need to be hyper friendly towards me. Just say hi and go about her business. I am fine with that.

 

Besides the hyper friendly and touching the really scary thing is her husband goes to the same gym. She is pretty brave to be doing this when he could be in the gym and seeing it. It could be very ugly. I dont think she knows that I know she is married.

 

If she says something kinda funny you could always say something like, "You're a pretty cool chick, any more like you at home?" and see what she says.

You are insinuating you know she is taken without really saying it and her reaction could tell you where she is at.

If she says something like, "What about me?" you can counter with "I thought you were married". She could reply with something like she has friends or a single sister....but I think her response would be very telling and your question wouldn't be too forward and would probably come across as innocent and not a friendship breaker.

[CaliGuy]

I think you are 100% on target with this, I need to be nice and just say something along the lines that we need to tone this down. Some have suggested asking point blank if she is married. As you said if she was single, I would be all over it. But as far as I know she isnt.

 

If she is not than just leave it alone. No need to be hyper friendly towards me. Just say hi and go about her business. I am fine with that.

 

Besides the hyper friendly and touching the really scary thing is her husband goes to the same gym. She is pretty brave to be doing this when he could be in the gym and seeing it. It could be very ugly. I dont think she knows that I know she is married.

 

Hmm, well let me make this perfectly clear when I say it:

 

Don't be "mushy/wussy" nice. A better way to look at it would be to say "be firm but gentle." In other words, you don't want to be rude but you do want to get your point across as a confident man would. You have done nothing wrong and therefore have no reason to be overly nice to her.

 

As I said, she is crossing a boundary that makes you uncomfortable.

 

You could also ask her point blank if she is married. Something like: "Hey aren't you married?" she says "Yes" then you say "Oh ok. Well given that information, while I appreciate the attention, we should just keep this friendly as I respect the institution of marriage" or something along those lines.

 

Essentially what you're doing is saying "B*tch! COME CORRECT!!" (haha) by reminding her that she is married and shouldn't be flirting with guys.

[paddington bear]

Well obviously after all the previous posts you've copped on that she's flirting with you.

 

Why is she flirting? Maybe because as an attractive women she gets looked at and flirted with all the time, but not with you, oh no, you've been too busy working out at the gym and focused on that and that alone to give her the attention she expects. And so, what does she do, shoves herself in your face, flirts with you to make you notice her.

 

An option between the direct approach and avoiding her is to simply say "I saw your husband in here the other day, has he been coming to the gym for a long time too. Next time you're both here you should introduce us?" or some such. That way you let her know that you know she's married and put her on the spot. It might also reinforce in your mind that she has a husband, an actual living, breathing person to prevent you from getting lured into doing something stupid.

 

I have to say it is a bit unfair of her to flirt to such a degree with you when she's already taken. If she's attractive and you are attracted to her, that kind of attention over a sustained period of time is hard to resist. Poor husband is all I can say. Maybe she just wants to get some other male attention than from the man she's married to continue to feel sexy and good about herself and nothing more.

 

Sounds like you haven't got used to being seen as attractive by women. And if you are now 40lbs lighter and feeling good you need to remember that if this one attractive, and married woman, is into you, so will lots of other attractive and available women be - keep this in your head when she flirts and see her flirtation as simply just that, a constant reminder that you are HOT!!! lol.

[cognac]

Don't let her tease your c*ck dude, ignore her. Married women are at the top of the International League of Cock-Teasers only second to 18-24 year olds .