hopeless4u Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 So xMM has answered my questions and moved on and I'm ok with that. I'm ready to move forward. I've been out with friends this weekend and TBH I've enjoyed myself, thought of him constantly but told myself he's moved on and I need to do the same. First time I went out after DDay was NYE, I was hit on 3 times, I smiled and laughed about it but took it no further as I was in no fit state to even consider being with someone else. So this weekend I was hit on again....twice! I got very emotional with a friend as I'm not very confident about my own feelings at the moment. One of the guys that was interested in me my friends know and said to just go with it, so I did. He is a nice guy, very fit and seemed to like me,(followed me everywhere but wasn't in my face). So I went with it, was just myself and he initiated everything. I held back all night but at the end of the night I gave him a good night kiss (first man I've kissed in almost 2yrs except xMM) and I actually feel bad!! So xMM has been going through my mind today, why do I feel bad?
Hazyhead Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 So xMM has answered my questions and moved on and I'm ok with that. I'm ready to move forward. I've been out with friends this weekend and TBH I've enjoyed myself, thought of him constantly but told myself he's moved on and I need to do the same. First time I went out after DDay was NYE, I was hit on 3 times, I smiled and laughed about it but took it no further as I was in no fit state to even consider being with someone else. So this weekend I was hit on again....twice! I got very emotional with a friend as I'm not very confident about my own feelings at the moment. One of the guys that was interested in me my friends know and said to just go with it, so I did. He is a nice guy, very fit and seemed to like me,(followed me everywhere but wasn't in my face). So I went with it, was just myself and he initiated everything. I held back all night but at the end of the night I gave him a good night kiss (first man I've kissed in almost 2yrs except xMM) and I actually feel bad!! So xMM has been going through my mind today, why do I feel bad? Well done for going out and having fun H4U, I really think you are getting there. For me, being in a similar situation, I couldn't think about anybody else at the moment. I still am in love with MM and I think you are too. Therefore I think I need time to grieve him and let go fully before I can move on to someone else otherwise I would end up even more confused and probably pining for him even more because the kiss, well, it wasn't him. I think it's natural to feel bad right now for being with someone else because your heart and your body doesnt really want to. Have yourself a time-out from men, maybe enjoy a little flirt but nothing more, and allow yourself time to heal. I'm glad you had fun
Author hopeless4u Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Well done for going out and having fun H4U, I really think you are getting there. For me, being in a similar situation, I couldn't think about anybody else at the moment. I still am in love with MM and I think you are too. Therefore I think I need time to grieve him and let go fully before I can move on to someone else otherwise I would end up even more confused and probably pining for him even more because the kiss, well, it wasn't him. I think it's natural to feel bad right now for being with someone else because your heart and your body doesnt really want to. Have yourself a time-out from men, maybe enjoy a little flirt but nothing more, and allow yourself time to heal. I'm glad you had fun Hey HH, I hope you're doing ok. The thing is xMM answered my questions and I was happy with that. I had and still have no desire to contact him (he threw me under a bus, not sure I can ever forgive him for that) but he has rung me every day since our conversation and told me things that maybe he shouldn't. He told me that after DDay and everything his W put him through(making him tell his kids and family) she revealed that she had an A 20 yrs ago but never told him. That has been going through my mind. How could she punish him how she has when she has done the same, I won't go into details but it isn't nice. I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone and the guilt I felt from just kissing someone has proved that I think. I'm just confused I guess. One half wants to move on and the other just wants to stay in my little world of 'me and him'.
2sunny Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 growing is very painful - it's very hard. forward movement is growth... continue on this uncomfortable path until it gets a bit more comfortable - it will, with time.
Author hopeless4u Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 I'm glad you are getting out and it's always a confidence booster to get some manly attention. You go girl! Practice.......practice. Don't expect things to feel normal so fast, you've got to heal. It's normal to feel some guilt when you are moving on from any relationship and to take some steps back and forth. In some respects you feel some guilt because you feel as if you are cheating, but you aren't. Just acknowledge the feeling, then let it go. Again.......it's great you are getting out. Having fun right now is the goal. Thanks BB07, it did feel good at the time, many Jack Daniels:eek: I actually work with the guy I pulled so will be interesting tomorrow!! I have nothing to be ashamed of as I kept my cool all night and only gave up a kiss goodnight but the guilt was a bit of a shock. I know I owe xMM nothing, he's made his choice and he has to live with that and I have to live with the fact he didn't choose me and move on. I'm not a bad looking girl for my age and have always been confident and thats what I need to find again;)
Author hopeless4u Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 growing is very painful - it's very hard. forward movement is growth... continue on this uncomfortable path until it gets a bit more comfortable - it will, with time. My friends have said the same kind of thing. It may feel strange now but eventually it will feel normal.....I'm looking forward to normal!!
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Hey H4U! I'm so glad you were able to get out and have some fun. I've been wondering how you're doing. I hope that in some time I will have no desire to contact my MW.....I'm glad that part for you is still holding together. I'm still a jello in that department. I wonder what normal is anymore. I think it will be different than the old normal. Better than before
moaningmyrtle Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 ... So xMM has answered my questions and moved on and I'm ok with that. I'm ready to move forward. ... The thing is xMM answered my questions and I was happy with that. I had and still have no desire to contact him (he threw me under a bus, not sure I can ever forgive him for that) but he has rung me every day since our conversation and told me things that maybe he shouldn't. He told me that after DDay and everything his W put him through(making him tell his kids and family) she revealed that she had an A 20 yrs ago but never told him. That has been going through my mind. How could she punish him how she has when she has done the same, I won't go into details but it isn't nice. ... I'm just confused I guess. One half wants to move on and the other just wants to stay in my little world of 'me and him'. Hi H4U, I have highlighted some of the things you've said. It seems you want to move on but are struggling - nothing unusual in that. Have you considered implementing complete NC with him for your own healing? You say you have no desire to contact him yet every day you have contact with him when he calls you. This cannot be healthy for you if you really do want to move on. It seems already he has got you "interested" in what is going on in his marriage, and angry at his BW - again not a good thing for you IMO. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Hazyhead Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Hi H4U, I have highlighted some of the things you've said. It seems you want to move on but are struggling - nothing unusual in that. Have you considered implementing complete NC with him for your own healing? You say you have no desire to contact him yet every day you have contact with him when he calls you. This cannot be healthy for you if you really do want to move on. It seems already he has got you "interested" in what is going on in his marriage, and angry at his BW - again not a good thing for you IMO. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I agree with this. H4U, it's so unfair of him to keep contacting you because he takes away your choice to move on. He is trying to keep you in the background now that he's annoyed with the hyprocrasy (so he feels) of his wife's indfidelities some time ago. I know exactly how hard this is, when it was happening to me last week my heart was aching to be there for him but i couldn't do it, I didn't want to hear about the problems in his marriage - that was his choice so they are his problems. I think maybe telling him that he is making it hard for you to move on if he continues to contact you would enable you to heal better. And you will, H4U, look how far you've come already. I'm ok, thank you. Having a bit of a sad week but I suppose that's to be expected. Take care of yourself.
crystal_lostheart Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Hi H4U, I know what you are feeling... Just broken up with MM.....I am going away with my girlfriends later this wk... I'm sure we will go out and I will try and have fun. I am even scared at the moment to just go out and have a few drinks because I feel like I have been let out of a cage for the first time in 2 years (that's why I guess sometimes we want to run back inside the cage and stay in that world, as miserable as it was - there was something obviously not right but it was keeping us there). Booking the tickets was even a challenge but my friends would not take NO for an answer. It's a weird feeling. Hard to explain and it is painful. Please don't feel bad ..... I really admire what you have done to move on ... I know they are small and painful steps - but you have moved forward. I am a few steps behind you but you have now inspired me to go away and just relax and enjoy! Thank you ((HUGS)) Edited January 11, 2010 by crystal_lostheart
silverplanets Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Have yourself a time-out from men, maybe enjoy a little flirt but nothing more, and allow yourself time to heal. I would agree, 4 months into NC I am so MUCH stronger than orignally, however I still don't feel strong enough to deal with anyone new in my life .. it's not an issue and not a problem .. it's just how it is. I get flirted with and flirt a little but only in passing .. keeping someone else happy is not my priority right now .. being all that I can be IS :-) .. I suppose it helps that I have female friends who assure me I've not "lost it" ... (assuming I ever had it in the first place !)
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Hey H4U! I'm so glad you were able to get out and have some fun. I've been wondering how you're doing. I hope that in some time I will have no desire to contact my MW.....I'm glad that part for you is still holding together. I'm still a jello in that department. I wonder what normal is anymore. I think it will be different than the old normal. Better than before Hey WTGFH, hope you're ok. I'm doing ok, better than I thought I would be but as I said to xMM, I have no choice, this was forced on me and I have to deal with it. The hurt is still there and the pain is still crushing my heart but as I said, I have no choice. The big difference with me now is that I can control my emotions, I still get sad when I'm alone and I still cry myself to sleep most nights but thats my time I guess. It will get better and it will get easier.....hopefully:confused: but I'm moving in the right direction I think! ((hugs))
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Hi H4U, I have highlighted some of the things you've said. It seems you want to move on but are struggling - nothing unusual in that. Have you considered implementing complete NC with him for your own healing? You say you have no desire to contact him yet every day you have contact with him when he calls you. This cannot be healthy for you if you really do want to move on. It seems already he has got you "interested" in what is going on in his marriage, and angry at his BW - again not a good thing for you IMO. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. MM, thank you for support, I do listen, honest:) Complete NC is difficult as we do have to work together and if things seem normal at work people tend to ask less questions which is easier for me. TBH xMM has asked me if it helps me with him calling me and I just said it makes no difference to me, I have put the walls up and any feelings for him are tucked away behind those walls. I have 'my time' where I still cry and wish things could be different but I think I would have that whether he was in contact or not.
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I agree with this. H4U, it's so unfair of him to keep contacting you because he takes away your choice to move on. He is trying to keep you in the background now that he's annoyed with the hyprocrasy (so he feels) of his wife's indfidelities some time ago. I know exactly how hard this is, when it was happening to me last week my heart was aching to be there for him but i couldn't do it, I didn't want to hear about the problems in his marriage - that was his choice so they are his problems. I think maybe telling him that he is making it hard for you to move on if he continues to contact you would enable you to heal better. And you will, H4U, look how far you've come already. I'm ok, thank you. Having a bit of a sad week but I suppose that's to be expected. Take care of yourself. Hey HH, how you doing?? Please don't worry about him dragging me back or stopping my healing, I WON'T let that happen, I promise. Yes I am still hopelessly in love with him(the kiss the other night proved that) but I DO know I have no choice in the outcome of this whole mess. I'm better than I was a few weeks ago and thats progress. ((hugs)) to you HH xx
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Hi H4U, I know what you are feeling... Just broken up with MM.....I am going away with my girlfriends later this wk... I'm sure we will go out and I will try and have fun. I am even scared at the moment to just go out and have a few drinks because I feel like I have been let out of a cage for the first time in 2 years (that's why I guess sometimes we want to run back inside the cage and stay in that world, as miserable as it was - there was something obviously not right but it was keeping us there). Booking the tickets was even a challenge but my friends would not take NO for an answer. It's a weird feeling. Hard to explain and it is painful. Please don't feel bad ..... I really admire what you have done to move on ... I know they are small and painful steps - but you have moved forward. I am a few steps behind you but you have now inspired me to go away and just relax and enjoy! Thank you ((HUGS)) Oh LH, I am feeling your panic!! I actually freeked slightly when I got hit on the other night. I'd always had the 'I am taken' line to fall back on and all of a sudden it was gone! The alcohol made it better at the time but I also knew my friend(she knows about everything) would not let me do anything stupid (god bless REAL friends) but she also knew I needed to know I still 'had it!!' My advice is (not sure it's good, but) make sure your friends understand how you feel and where you are emotionally and they will watch your back...always. I'm glad I had that 'good night kiss', it made me realise I'm not ready to move on but it also made me realise that when I am...I still have it;) ((hugs)) go knock em out and show em what your made of!!! xx
2sure Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I have been meaning to write about some thoughts on this subject that Ive had since both previously being an OW and from reading about so much anguish here that goes along with the title. Just something recovering OW might want to think about. I am an average woman. I have similar wants, needs and goals as most women regarding relationships. Even though I was willingly OW several times over...those wants, needs, and goals never changed. Even though during those relationships monogamy was not a given from MM...for the most part it was for me. Now, I could say I was exclusive to MM because I cared about him , because he expected me to be, or because being exclusive to him was as close to a normal relationship as i could get....but the reason doesnt matter really because it all comes down to: I am a monogamous person. Even as OW. Even though he was married. Further, because most woman, are like me...this natural monogamous instinct creates feelings of both LOVE and confusion. In fact, sometimes I think when OW miss MM..its more that they miss the object of their monogamy than they do the man himself. So, the kiss?Dont think about what it means. It may not mean what you think. Just wait yourself out. Love just doesnt hurt that way.
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I would agree, 4 months into NC I am so MUCH stronger than orignally, however I still don't feel strong enough to deal with anyone new in my life .. it's not an issue and not a problem .. it's just how it is. I get flirted with and flirt a little but only in passing .. keeping someone else happy is not my priority right now .. being all that I can be IS :-) .. I suppose it helps that I have female friends who assure me I've not "lost it" ... (assuming I ever had it in the first place !) I see where the knowing you have not 'lost it' comes in SP, my friends are the same with me and the 'kiss goodnight' proved I still 'have it' but the guilt the next day also proved I'm not ready to move on. I know I'm not ready to have anyone else in my life right now but just being in control of my emotions enough to be around other people is progress. I hope it gets easier soon for us all xx
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I have been meaning to write about some thoughts on this subject that Ive had since both previously being an OW and from reading about so much anguish here that goes along with the title. Just something recovering OW might want to think about. I am an average woman. I have similar wants, needs and goals as most women regarding relationships. Even though I was willingly OW several times over...those wants, needs, and goals never changed. Even though during those relationships monogamy was not a given from MM...for the most part it was for me. Now, I could say I was exclusive to MM because I cared about him , because he expected me to be, or because being exclusive to him was as close to a normal relationship as i could get....but the reason doesnt matter really because it all comes down to: I am a monogamous person. Even as OW. Even though he was married. Further, because most woman, are like me...this natural monogamous instinct creates feelings of both LOVE and confusion. In fact, sometimes I think when OW miss MM..its more that they miss the object of their monogamy than they do the man himself. So, the kiss?Dont think about what it means. It may not mean what you think. Just wait yourself out. Love just doesnt hurt that way. Hey 2sure, long time no speak for us. Hope you're well? Yeah you're right in the fact of not thinking to much about the kiss, I think it just made me realise that I'm not quite as over him as I thought. I know the love for him I felt is still there I just lock it away and convince myself I'm ok and for the most, I am but that kiss just proved I'm hiding behind 'that wall' I've built. My way of coping I guess:o I know and I tell myself every day that 'love' shouldn't hurt and I will get there, just a matter of time I guess. xx
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