johnoasta Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I am 39, my wife (2nd wife) is 30. We have two kids (under 5). I still have one living with me from my first marriage and she is 15. I work full time. My wife stays home and takes care of the kids (she works about 9 hours a week - that is divided up to be 3 nights a week from like 8 - 11). But, almost every day when I get home the house is a mess, the beds are not made, dinner hasn't been started. There are toys and dishes. So I clean the house and while Im doing that she starts dinner. I have said stuff about it in the past and she calls me an ******* and says I sound like a shovanist pig. The other issue is we dont have sex. maybe once a month unless I initiate it. I feel like she only does it when I want to and she doesn't really have an interest. I have gained about 20 lbs so I am not as sexy as I used to be but most people think I am 29, not 39. I am good looking but could be in better shape. SO- I feel like: -She doesnt work outside the home and contribute that way. -she doesnt really keep the home clean. She does 99% of the laundry but I do allot more then 1/2 then cleaning, picking up, keeping organized. - She IS a good mommy. -she doesnt ever initiate/want sex. If something doesnt change I am going to leave her. I dont want to because I do love her and my little ones, but I need sex and I need a partner (not just one more mouth to feed that I have to take care of). I am not over stating things. Any suggestions? I
Hazyhead Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 How is her mood generally? Was there a time when she behaved differently to how she does today? I'm just thinking maybe she is suffering from some kind of depression, which has left her demotivated and as a result everything in your marriage is now suffering because it is only you who seems to be working at it. I can understand your frustration and it can be really hard to lift a person out of this. Have you tried sitting down and talking things through from the perspective that you're worried about her?
PhoenixRise Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 You have 2 children under the age of 5? Who is taking care of them all day everyday? AND you have a 15 year old from a previous marriage living with you? Who is keeping tabs on this teenager all day every day. Your wife does this. It is not easy. If she is a good mom then she is not sitting around eating bon bons and watching the soaps all day. AND then she works outside the home 3 nights a week. Sounds like you need a cleaning lady and an nanny. Then your wife would be less stressed and more sexually available and the house would be spotless all the time. Win Win. P.S. Does your 15 year old clean up after him/herself?
asireen Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Personally I don't see why you can't go to work and then come home and do things. Thousands of women( and men) do it everyday without complaint. It is called the second shift. Sex...well if you had said that was the reason you really wanted to leave instead of throwing in that bull about your house, you probably would have gotten more answers and certainly a lot more support from those who place a premium on sex instead of intimacy and respect. This is what you get when you give a woman marriage, especially in the western world. As they say 'a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th ....) marriage is a triumph of hope over experience'. I just wonder why some men do it over and over again. You have 2 kids with her, so if you leave, it will have a negative impact on them. You have your needs too, and you are in a quandary. Find an alternative way to satisfy your needs till the kids are adults. Just don't get caught.
rina_r Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Find an alternative way to satisfy your needs till the kids are adults. Just don't get caught. These kind people who give such advice make me sick!
theycallmeprincess Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 So I clean the house and while Im doing that she starts dinner. I have said stuff about it in the past and she calls me an ******* and says I sound like a shovanist pig. The other issue is we dont have sex. maybe once a month unless I initiate it. I feel like she only does it when I want to and she doesn't really have an interest. I have gained about 20 lbs so I am not as sexy as I used to be but most people think I am 29, not 39. I am good looking but could be in better shape. SO- I feel like: -She doesnt work outside the home and contribute that way. -she doesnt really keep the home clean. She does 99% of the laundry but I do allot more then 1/2 then cleaning, picking up, keeping organized. - She IS a good mommy. -she doesnt ever initiate/want sex. If something doesnt change I am going to leave her. I dont want to because I do love her and my little ones, but I need sex and I need a partner (not just one more mouth to feed that I have to take care of). I And you wonder why she doesn't want to have sex with you??
mem11363 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 1. What would have to change for you to be happy? 2 What is it right now that botheres you the most? 3. Why do you dislike having sex with me? 4. What would have to change for you to WANT to have sex with me couple/three times a week 5. Overall do you WANT me here in your life like this? And just listen. You start with this - you can loop back to cleaning the house later -this is the core core stuff. IMO anyway. I am 39, my wife (2nd wife) is 30. We have two kids (under 5). I still have one living with me from my first marriage and she is 15. I work full time. My wife stays home and takes care of the kids (she works about 9 hours a week - that is divided up to be 3 nights a week from like 8 - 11). But, almost every day when I get home the house is a mess, the beds are not made, dinner hasn't been started. There are toys and dishes. So I clean the house and while Im doing that she starts dinner. I have said stuff about it in the past and she calls me an ******* and says I sound like a shovanist pig. The other issue is we dont have sex. maybe once a month unless I initiate it. I feel like she only does it when I want to and she doesn't really have an interest. I have gained about 20 lbs so I am not as sexy as I used to be but most people think I am 29, not 39. I am good looking but could be in better shape. SO- I feel like: -She doesnt work outside the home and contribute that way. -she doesnt really keep the home clean. She does 99% of the laundry but I do allot more then 1/2 then cleaning, picking up, keeping organized. - She IS a good mommy. -she doesnt ever initiate/want sex. If something doesnt change I am going to leave her. I dont want to because I do love her and my little ones, but I need sex and I need a partner (not just one more mouth to feed that I have to take care of). I am not over stating things. Any suggestions? I
silverplanets Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 One (possible) interpretation of what you are saying .... SO- I feel like: -She doesnt work outside the home and contribute that way. -she doesnt really keep the home clean. She does 99% of the laundry but I do allot more then 1/2 then cleaning, picking up, keeping organized. - She IS a good mommy. -she doesnt ever initiate/want sex. So you've identified some things that are making you (as a person) unhappy ... If something doesnt change I am going to leave her. ... and you are worried about the damage being unhappy could potentially cause I dont want to because I do love her ... and you're preferred option would be to work out how to be happy (with her) Any suggestions? Sounds like you need to talk, in a loving, open and understanding way ... Some of the other posters have mentioned some of the challenges she may be facing - and as a man who has raised my 9 year old since she was 6 months old I can understand. She may need help and support and in different ways than just the cleaning? Why not see if you can talk, camly .. maybe think about rephrasing the "thinking of leaving her" part though !!! May be she is missing you (as an relationship partner) as much as you are missing her? You posted you love her, so it's seems a shame not to approach this in a loving way ???? C
silverplanets Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 And just listen. You start with this - you can loop back to cleaning the house later -this is the core core stuff. IMO anyway. Agree completely ... nothing (especially the house!) is more important than finding some space and just listening, surely??? There will be cleaning .. but a relationship .. well it is possible to lose that :-(
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I completely understand your frustration. I'm a wife and I have been there. My husband lost his job a few years back. He got a job working at a grocery store at night part time but it barely contributed anything. I didn't really mind losing the extra income as much as his laziness. We also have two under 5 and I would frequently come home to find dishes in the sink, toys everywhere, the kids wearing the same pjs they had on yesterday, while he is stilling in front of the tv playing video games. Needless to say I was livid and in a bad mood more often than not. Any attempt made by me to request more domestic help was met only with defense. I understand he had to take care of the kids (sometimes 3 kids when my stepson was visiting), but I don't think that is an excuse. There are plenty of ways he could occupy them while doing the dishes or straightening up the living room. More often than not I would just do these things when I came home. It made me furious! I ended up taking a day off of work so I could show him while he was home how it could be done. How I could watch the children AND clean at the same time. This was only met with more resistance. Then I finally just had enough and we got into a heated blowup. That was the turning point. He found a better job and started helping out more, but the help inside the home was shortlived and now I'm starting to see the same behavior again which frustrates me to no end. I asked him if we could make a chore chart and he said sure so I am going to do that this week. That way we can at least each be held accountable for the housework. At any rate, I don't think the housework thing is a dealbreaker. Also, I think the sex will improve if you can find common ground with the housework. It did for my husband and I anyway.
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