mansquito Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Talk about a loaded question. I'm a 31-year-old guy. I tend to keep mine at arm's length. Other than a very few select photos (meaning, less than two dozen), the only physical reminders of any woman I've ever seen naked (including my ex-wife) amount to formerly shared kitchen utensils (along the lines of "Hey! Let's make potato chips! Better go buy a mandoline, mansquito") and boxer shorts. The post-amicable breakup relationships tend to amount to a friendly nod when we run in to each other and the occasional thumbs up on Facebook, for those handful that I choose to remain Facebook friends with. When I refer to them in the third person for the first time, their names are usually preceded by "my ex-girlfriend" or "this chick I hooked up with." My girlfriend of six months, however, tends to keep hers pretty close. She regularly wears a watch that her second-to-last boyfriend (whom she has drinks with maybe twice a year) gave her. She has a cache of objet d'arte and other mementos from various other dudes. This weekend, she embarked on a scanning expedition of pictures from a decade-old road trip at the request of a guy who she dated in college who she's recently become reconnected with via Facebook. When she mentions a guy, he's always her "friend," whether she's slept with him or not. I can't help but admit that this is starting to bug me. It feels like she has a whole stable of guys in the bullpen on the off chance that we break up. Meanwhile, she's asked me to pretty much purge all vestiges of former relationships from my public and our shared sphere of communication. I don't mind doing it, but the continued and obvious double standard is beginning to tweak either my spidey sense or my inner neanderthal just a little bit. What say you? Both personal anecdotes and opinions on my current situation are welcome.
DiscoChick Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I don't think she is being fair. Tell her if she expects one thing from you then she should do the same. I have things from my exes ( a ring, books, movies/cds) that I simply forgot to return. LOL. I wish I had taken that DC Comic Encyclopedia when I had the chance; I have only the Marvel one. If it's worth keeping, then yeh keep it. But make sure you make your feelings on the situation clear and don't make it seem like you're pointing the finger at her. chicks hate that. As long as it's a well prepared argument with support, I see no reason why you should not talk to her about it.
Author mansquito Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Thanks for the response, DiscoChick. I guess it's only recently that the double standard's begun to get on my nerves. Like I said, I really, truly do not care to hang on to souvenirs, myself, so her asking me to delete, say, a picture on Facebook was no big deal. It's only over the past month or so, when I'd begun to realize the volume of stuff that she has and the degree to which she maintains some of these relationships. I'm going to try to resolve to not let it bother me unless, a) she totally flips out over a reminder of my past, or b) we decide to move in together. I don't think I'd be able to live surrounded by another dude's tchotchkes.
boogieboy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If she gives you shyt for telling her she has to practice what she preaches, then I say you move on. You obviously see what shes doing, let her go back to her backups, it wont be successful anyway...those guys broke up with her for a reason...let her go to them. I toss everything of my exes, but I def watch out to see if any new women do what your ex is doing.
OnlyJake Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I dated a guy who sounds kind of like your gf. No matter what their past relationship really was, he would refer to his ex-girlfriends and ex-FWB as "friends." He also remained friends with all his ex-girlfriends, to the extent that they communicated via Facebook/MySpace, email, text and phone call regularly. Obviously I knew who some of the ex-girlfriends were, and I really had an issue with him referring to them as friends, because even if that's what you are now, that doesn't really give the proper scope of the actual relationship. He would meet up with his ex-girlfriends (sometimes with their SOs) on a fairly regular basis as well. Unbelievably, he didn't see the need to tell me beforehand of these get-togethers, and to this day I'm convinced that if I didn't find out on my own he wouldn't have told me about some of them. His reasoning was they were "just friends" and he "wasn't doing anything wrong." Needless to say, this is the reason we are no longer together. He didn't have the double standard that she does though. He really didn't care about my ex-boyfriends or anything. I even wore old t-shirts that used to belong to them to bed sometimes (men's shirts are the only thing I ever wear to bed); they were just things I never gave back, that they didn't want anymore, that had no meaning to me. They were just shirts. I also don't see the problem with keeping (most) jewelry or art or anything out and around, and wearing them. Just because they were gifts from an ex means you should throw them away? That makes no sense. Mementos are a different story though, I agree. Those should be put away, and honestly I don't see the need to have old photos of you and your ex on FB either. I'm much more like you; I don't remain friends with ex-boyfriends, I throw all mementos away, as well as most photos. I just don't see the need to have them around. If I were you I would have a huge problem with her double standard. Huge WTF there.
Author mansquito Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Yeah, so the FB scanning expedition has continued, and her level of communication with the old boyfriend has increased. The guy's married with kids and lives in a different state, but it's beginning to make me more than a little uncomfortable. Time to have a chat.
phineas Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Why does every other post today remind me of my cheating STBXW's behavior? LOL!
You'reasian Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 My girlfriend of six months, however, tends to keep hers pretty close. She regularly wears a watch that her second-to-last boyfriend (whom she has drinks with maybe twice a year) gave her. She has a cache of objet d'arte and other mementos from various other dudes. This weekend, she embarked on a scanning expedition of pictures from a decade-old road trip at the request of a guy who she dated in college who she's recently become reconnected with via Facebook. When she mentions a guy, he's always her "friend," whether she's slept with him or not. I can't help but admit that this is starting to bug me. It feels like she has a whole stable of guys in the bullpen on the off chance that we break up. Meanwhile, she's asked me to pretty much purge all vestiges of former relationships from my public and our shared sphere of communication. I don't mind doing it, but the continued and obvious double standard is beginning to tweak either my spidey sense or my inner neanderthal just a little bit. What say you? Both personal anecdotes and opinions on my current situation are welcome. Her continued double standard is no longer your issue to deal with. Keep whatever you'd like, store it - whatever. Check yourself for double standards as well. Work them out - hopefully you will find someone who has been working on herself too. Best of luck!
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