Mr. Word Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Hi all, I'm posting because I'm curious of strangers reactions and opinions on what happened to me and my (now ex) girlfriend. It was such a whirlwind and all happened so fast I feel lost and confused. I'm in my mid-30's and lately I've been feeling lonely and really wanting a committed relationship. Unfortunately, it turns out I was putting too much pressure on the relationship (to fill a void) before it even started. When I met her I became codependent and fell in love before I even knew the person. This caused me great anxiety and I found myself unable to perform in the bedroom. I went to my doctor and he said it was nerves and put me on viagra until I felt comfortable enough to do it on my own. This is something I've never done before and I think it was killing my confidence, not just with sex but in the relationship. I kept trying to prove myself with her (buying her gifts, showering her with compliments, etc). To make matters worse she is the type of person that's not able to open up and talk about her feelings. She's a bit emotionally distant and aloof. This made me paranoid of her feelings for me and prevented real communication from happening. It all came to a head when 3.5 months into the relationship I had to go on a 2 wk business trip. While away I felt extreme loneliness & depression. On the phone I would tell her how much I missed her but she never said the same in return. Feeling neurotic, I thought the relationship was in trouble. I fixated on my erection problems. I still hadn't gathered the courage to make love to her without the viagra and I decided we couldn't have a real connection until that happened. I decided to experiment with someone else that I wouldn't be embarrassed about if I failed. So I went to a professional. I know, I know. Totally wrong thing to do. I should've talked to my girlfriend or seen a therapist. I was being stupid. But I did what I did (no intercouse btw) and felt guilty afterwards. When I got back, in another neurotic episode I became convinced I had gotten an STD and figured it was punishment. I immediately confessed (about the cheating, not everything else leading up to it) and she kicked me out of her life right then and there. I tried to explain afterwards about my anxieties and impotence problems but she had no second thoughts. That was it, over. (I wound up not having an std). I'm devastated. I know it was not an entirely healthy relationship, but I loved her. It's been over a month and no word from her. I've been seeing therapy to work on my insecurities etc, so that's a step in the right direction. I hope one day I can get over her and move on to a successful relationship. But I guess it'll take some work on myself. I'm normally not so neurotic, I don't really know how it all happened. Thanks for reading and appreciate any input.
sunrae Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 You are doing the right thing and working on yourself... Keep up the good work.... At some point in the future, you will have more confidence and be ready for another great person to come into your life, but right now work on yourself...
Silver_star Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I agree with sunrae. At least you are working on your problems and realize what you did was wrong. Thats a step in the right direction. You need to love yourself and be comfortable with your own self and body before you can truly love and commit to another.
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