NoIDidn't Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I noticed that even when a MP has never left the marriage but decided to end the affair, some say that they "went back" when they never left. Why is this? What do you think? Did the WS actually leave the marriage by having an affair or is it meant metaphorically?
jennie-jennie Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 (edited) Good question. Well, I would say everything except his physical body is gone. My MM says himself he has no home and hearth any longer. (And if you read Alberoni, this is what he says too.) Edited January 10, 2010 by jennie-jennie
DrIndigo Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I think if the MP really ends an A and re-dedicates themselves to their M, they are "going back" in a fashion, even if they were never physically gone. I think it depends on the nature of the A, the M, and the end of the A/continuation of the M. To my way of thinking, it has to do with where the MP's emotional energy is during each stage of this process. If it is never transferred to the OP, then there's nothing to come back from. And if the MP ends the affair but continues to dwell on it while making no recommitment to his/her M, then I am not sure the MP is really back at all.
seibert253 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I can't speak for others, but in my instance, when my FWW was involved in her A, she did leave, emotionally, not physically. She put absolutely no effort in our M or our child. It was all about her. I think when she finally realized she took a leave of absence, which was quickly beginning to become permanant, (not by her choice, but by mine), is when she "came back".
on1wheel Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I believe that the cheater has left the marriage, as they have abandoned all it's associated vows/promises. Happened to me & that's how I see it. I stayed for my baby, but this is our 2nd marriage as far as I'm concerned...this one sadly has some rules that I never thought were necessary to mention the 1st time.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 in my situation i choose to think that he stayed. hes decided to try to work on his marriage. but hes still talking to me. hes still conflicted. he still is attempting contact with me. he tells me im in his thoughts, as is she so in actuality we are both still in his life. i cannot say in this situation that he went back to her. because going back to her would have meant he committed 100% and returned to a life where his feelings, thoughts, actions were all about her. so for me, he stayed. stayed with her but hasnt gone back to where he was before the A.
HappyAtLast Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I think most are referring to "mentally." I myself, was very much mentally checked out of my marriage during my affair. Truth be told, I was checked out before, but that is probably not the type of situation to which NOID refers.
ladydesigner Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I think most are referring to "mentally." I myself, was very much mentally checked out of my marriage during my affair. I was mentally checked out after my H's betrayal and during my A. Heck I still feel checked out but am trying to stay amicable for the kids. My H is my best friend but I am no longer passionate about him and he senses that and is not happy about that. I love my H but I just am not very attracted to him anymore as I have lost a lot of respect for him. Went Back or Stayed? I noticed that even when a MP has never left the marriage but decided to end the affair, some say that they "went back" when they never left. Why is this? What do you think? Did the WS actually leave the marriage by having an affair or is it meant metaphorically? I think it is meant metaphorically. I did not leave my marriage ever even during the A and after. Although I did not end the A. I was planning to but just became so attached to XOM. I was "fence-sitting" couldn't make a decision either way. Glad he did end things though because now I need to figure out whether or not I can save my marriage. I believe I left my marriage emotionally and passionately during the A.
Spark1111 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Hmmmm...wonderful metaphor. He came back, emotionally, physically and spiritually. While he never truly left, (except for the times I threw him out) he hadn't been here in this marriage for a very long time.
Author NoIDidn't Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 I think most are referring to "mentally." I myself, was very much mentally checked out of my marriage during my affair. Truth be told, I was checked out before, but that is probably not the type of situation to which NOID refers. I agree with this answer. It is more of an emotional leaving, not a physical one. In your case, my next question doesn't apply since you did leave your marriage as you were planning to for years anyway. But for the MP that returns emotionally to a marriage, does that mean that they turn away emotionally, and so one, from the AP and the A?
jennie-jennie Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 But for the MP that returns emotionally to a marriage, does that mean that they turn away emotionally, and so one, from the AP and the A? I believe they have to for it to be at all possible.
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