What to do when there is a lack of connection, everything else is great!

[Zeegagge]

Our relationship didn't end because of any fighting, drama, lies, crazy stories or anything of the sort. We just never had a proper connection. We both knew it in the back of our minds. We had so many other great things going for us, nice place, good jobs, our families got along well, we had fun, we laughed, we partied. We had it all, except for the most important part, a romantic connection. Because of all the other great things we had we made it work for so so long, but eventually, the doubt and lack of feelings won out. Somewhere in there love really did occur though. I mean we were wild about each other, crazy in love for a time but we communicated on two different levels. And I think LovelyDaze said in another post something about sometimes people change and grow out of each other.

 

It's difficult because other problems would have been easier to fix but our problem was the one that just can't be fixxed. I probably should have left a long time ago but I loved her. What can I say? Every day my mind goes back and forth on if I want her back or not. I do because I miss her, but it working out again is truthfully impossible. She's not coming back anyways.

 

It's been really hard on me, but I've made it this far, I guess I'll just keep on trucking. The insanity that has followed our breakup is mind boggling. It's been going on so long now and been so wild and intense that I'm desensitized to it all. She could tell me she's married tomorrow, or she could tell me she's only dating two slice toasters from now on. It wouldn't make a difference to me at this point, I can no longer be surprised. Is that what they call 'dead inside'? Definitely how I feel.

 

The other problem I have with the whole thing is that, well, she's absolutely beautiful. Don't tell me I only think that because I love her. I knew her for five years before we ever dated and I thought she was beautiful the whole time. If I showed you a picture you would all be floored. I'm definitely not ugly, just average, ya know? I do well for myself but I do it with, well, more than my looks let's just say. I've dated many hot girls, but this one, she was the queen. Personality too, the girl just bubbles over. I feel like I'll just never do as well again, and that's tough. I had it all and just blew it. Made it to the World Series just didn't win it, I mean, we were engaged!

[Tony T]

Fact is, most people do change and they sometimes change dramatically. If there is no sense of commitment, an absolute requirement in a relationship, then it's a temporary thing. The person you marry today is not the person you will be with two years from now. It's the nature of people to change, unless they are mentally challenged in some way. Unless you have the mindset to allow your partner to grow in whatever direction and to be supportive of that, things just won't last. Also, don't expect your partner to be emotionally or physically loyal. It's really nice if that happens but in these times it's a rarity. People do stray here and there. Learn to forgive and forget.

 

A lot of times people don't show their real selves initially because of the desire to impress. You can't keep up an act for long so when they finally become themselves before you it appears they have changed but all that's happened is they've just shed the act.

 

It takes EXCEPTIONAL people and exceptional circumstances to be married. The requirements are mutual trust, caring, commitment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children and money, shared views on or respect for each others' religious beliefs, a sense of forgiveness, open mindedness, an absence of demands, etc. to make a marriage work. And just how many have that? Ever met anybody you trusted 100 percent? That's what it takes.

 

You have absolutely no idea how many people get married without sitting down and discussing what is set forth in the paragraph above. A whole lot of people think it's about hitting the sack at the starting line. Believe me, sex only takes you the first block and it's usually not even present at the finish line.

 

Don't expect marriage to take the boredom out of your life. If you're a boring person, marriage will only help you share your boredom with another person. Forget the beauty stuff. If a beautiful woman isn't beautiful inside, you are in for a life of total hell. We often ascribe positive attributes to others based on their physical attractiveness. That's nuts. Yes, beauty is wonderful, but if there's not a whole lot more around it won't even carry you to the corner convenience store.

 

Oh, and I forgot to say, it takes a whole lot more than love to make a marriage work. Most of the people who get divorced still love each other in some way. That ecstatic, fireworks feeling fizzles out for most people in time. It's other things, MANY of things, that take them to divorce court.

[adamt]

it can happen anytime in your life. Things can trigger it,people leaving for college /uni or a change in job. in my case the ex had a life changing experience in her mom dying and it totally changed her outlook i think. her appearance change completely and she reconnectd with old friends. before that we were getting along well and talking of settling down and buying a house. then she started changing and there is very little you can do. especially if they are emotionally detaching themselves and not willing to sort things out.

[TaraMaiden]

I get the feeling that the love was a superficial one.

You elaborate on how beautiful she is, and what a dazzling person she is, but you also make a very revealing remark earlier in your psot.

 

Can you see it?

No?

 

It's this one....

 

we communicated on two different levels.

When people are on different levels of communication, it will take heave and hell's jobs to make them meet on the same ground.

 

It's like a record-breaking suspension bridge being built from both ends, and meeting - three metres one above the other.

A fantastic feat, but actually, the remedy is going to cost more than the error.

 

no matter what the initial attraction, if two people can't talk, then that's frankly, a non-starter.

 

And yes, people change.

From day to day.

Even from one end of the day to the other, people are not the same people they were even when they woke up.

 

Life-changing experiences do happen, even in the most mundane, ordinary ways, so you have to evolve and develop according to experiences.

 

Nobody ever, ever stays the same.

And it's this shifting you have to make allowances for, and work with.

Both in others - and especially, yourself.

[Tony T]

Excellent post, Tara!!!

[paleblue]

people definitely change... there is no doubt about it. and i am beginning to suspect it is a big reason why so many relationships eventually fall apart.

[DenverBachelor]

people definitely change... there is no doubt about it. and i am beginning to suspect it is a big reason why so many relationships eventually fall apart.

 

I always chuckle a little when I hear about two people who have been married for 40+ years getting divorced. I'm not laughing at them -- I just think to myself, "why bother? You stuck it out this long."

 

Every once in a while I'll see in the paper or read online about people in their 80's or 90's getting divorced. It's just amazing.

[DiscoChick]

I always chuckle a little when I hear about two people who have been married for 40+ years getting divorced. I'm not laughing at them -- I just think to myself, "why bother? You stuck it out this long."

 

Every once in a while I'll see in the paper or read online about people in their 80's or 90's getting divorced. It's just amazing.

 

You chuckle, and I say woooooooooooow and ask the same "why bother?" question. After forty years, I probably wouldn't know how to function without that person. I know for a fact that most of my memories before him would be erased. My parents were married 25 years, but my dad died. They had a few rocky roads, but they stuck together. I agree with Tony when he said it takes exceptional people to last in a marriage. They have to want to fix problems and work to make what they have better. This, I learned from my parents. No relationship is going to be perfect, but two people willing to make it as close to perfect as possible will make the entire experience beautiful and worth holding on to.

[TaraMaiden]

I suspect when people stay married that long, the rot actually set in long before.... they simply stayed together because it was more convenient to do so. Many people also stay together "for the sake of the children." Whether those are good reasons for staying together, is neither here nor there, and although we might have opinions, it's really an individual thing.

 

That people change, isn't the problem.

That people will not - or cannot - adapt to those changes, is the problem.

It takes effort and understanding,and you have to go into a relationship, bot expecting - and accepting - that changes will inevitably occur.

 

The questions are, whether you can remain "on the same page" rather than (as was with the OP) ending up on different levels.

And whether the changes are acceptable to you, and whether you can in fact work with them.

Some people change to such a violent and excessive degree, that remaining with them is tantamount to abuse, and can be life-threatening.

Thankfully, although real, those instances are not all that common, in comparison to 'normal' relationships, where two people are simply becoming accustomed to having to consider another person in everything they now do....

 

A good relationship will have three vital components, or qualities, supporting the loving relationship that exists...

 

Trust, Communication and Respect (both for one's self, and one's partner).

 

It takes both Effort, and Commitment - in equal proportions from both people - to sustain and strengthen those three qualities.

 

If we consider them to be the three legs of a tripod, we can easily see that if one of them is unsteady, or damaged, no amount of Effort and Commitment with the other two, is going to be enough to support and sustain the relationship and make up for the third.

And a repair, is never as good as the unbroken original.

[Zeegagge]

Well, originally this post had a different title, I guess a mod changed it. Her growing out of her feelings for me was only a small part of it. It was really more about the lack of a connection even when everything else was great.

 

But since it's out there, I see maybe it has more to do with things than I think it does. She was young when we started dating. Still is really. She still has a lot of growing up to do. I definitely watched her transition from a 'teen' to a young adult. Well she still has a long ways to go.

 

Thanks everybody for the great advice and keep it coming, please. I'm still having a hard time.

 

Tara, I know what you are saying about the Suspension Bridge. Trying to connect to her on a deep level was just, impossible. She always wanted that connection with me, we both really wanted it to work, but she just never found it. I never found it either but I felt like maybe it could still work somehow. Dumb, I know. I tried and tried. We talked so much and I thought that was a good thing, but there was no love in the talk, just conversation to her I guess.

 

I got a lot of mixed signals towards the end of the relationship. One day telling me about all the problems, the next day asking me when I was buying the wedding bands. I should've listened to the negative signals a lot more than I did.

 

In a way, deep down I think I wanted it to end. The constant trying and failing to connect, the effort involved and the weird vibe were all apparent to me. It's only looking back and realizing that I lost the best I ever had that makes me regret so much.

 

This girl really is so amazing and even now we both have a healthy amount of respect for each other. Im not saying that as an ex lover, just human to human, she's great. That's why I really wish she would've been the one even though she wasn't.

 

She moves out in one week. Everybody tells me this is my chance to win her back and really wishes I would. A lot of people do not approve of her new relationship and wish she was with me. Unfortunately it's not up to them or me. Even if it was up to me, it's almost like, what do I expect? More pain and more trouble.

 

She wasn't ready for where our relationship was headed. She felt trapped. She needed to be independent so badly, she needed to be wild, get it all out there. Well here's her chance. She's doing it and only going to do more. This girl will be trouble to anyone until she figures a few things out. I'm not knocking her. She's behaving quite normally for a girl her age.

 

We're both in a foreign place right now (geographically) but as I said she leaves in a week. Eventually we'll both be back in our home state. Maybe she'll give me a call. Maybe we'll hang out, she wants to be friends after all. My biggest hope is that on that day I will have fully moved on and be happy. It's so hard though. I'm going to take some time here to try and get myself back together.

 

My friends and her friends that know her well all say she's likely to come back to me one day. I just don't see it happening though. They don't say I should get back with her, just that she will come to me. They also agree that I should move on.

 

Move on, move on, move on, that's all I hear. Yah, I know. I mean, NC has not been a possibility for me, so instead I've seen more wildness and things put in my face than I ever could have imagined. Everytime I thought things couldn't get any crazier they did. As I said earlier I'm immune now, or at least numb.

 

Her leaving should be a welcome change, and should definitely help me heal. I will never truly be healed until I am happy again, and generally for me happiness is being in a good solid relationship. Yah yah, I should learn to appreciate my own company, be happy with myself, etc. I know. Human beings are meant to be together. I have good friends but my love life has always been a mess. Well, not always but everything always ends up this way.

 

I'll build myself back up. Girls like me, they do, it's just so hard to find the right one.

 

I blame myself way too much. I need to stop. Besides, she had problems too.

 

I'm a sucker for love, and I always try to finish what I start. Maybe the lesson here is to know when to hold and when to fold. And maybe I should look for something other than young party girls. That's what I like though!

 

Again, thank you everyone for the advice. Please keep it coming.

 

For those of you out there feeling down, cheer up and there are brighter things on the horizon, they just might be hard to see because of the storm. I know this myself because its happened to me so many times before. I'm telling myself this and now Im telling you.

[TaraMaiden]

The problem with people being hard on themselves - and for example, blaming themselves too much - is that they therefore aren't comfortable and accepting of the way they are.

I know nobody's perfect, and nobody ever can be.

but we must strive to reach a place where we are completely comfortable in our own skins....

we strive to find fulfilment by moving from one relationship to another, or at least looking forward to that... thinking that maybe the next one, will be 'the one'.....all the while crushed that the finished one was what we thought originally, had been 'the one'....

 

.....my love life has always been a mess. Well, not always but everything always ends up this way.

 

And guess what?

It's always going to.

because, like it or not, everything has a beginning, a middle and an end therefore, inevitably, any relationship any one of us gets into, has an end somewhere along the way towards the horizon....The reason we become so cut up about it, is because we hold such store by relationships, and hook up all our happiness and dependence, on them.....

 

maybe I should look for something other than young party girls. That's what I like though!

 

Yeah... and how's that working for you....?

 

Maybe you need a bit of alone-time to re-think this particular strategy....

Just as a curiosity... how much older are you than this young lady...?

[Zeegagge]

Maybe you need a bit of alone-time to re-think this particular strategy....

Just as a curiosity... how much older are you than this young lady...?

 

I don't know if I'd call it a strategy so much. It's just that I'm very social and need an adept girl for that. Fun, you know, just lots and lots of fun. They draw me in with their club gear, the dancing, the smiling, the being in every part of a room at the same time.

 

After the break up I speak of I did date another girl for a second, she didn't have any party in her at all and I couldn't stand it. That didn't last too long.

 

How much older am I? Well in some ways eons, in other ways I'm not yet a toddler. I have my self together, I'm extremely comfortable with myself, even my flaws. This girl, even with everything she's got going on for herself, is a little insecure. But now that I think of it, she's less insecure than when we got together. Gets back to her growing out of me. Full circle. I have my life together, she has no idea. She doesn't even know yet where she's going when she moves Saturday. If you look at calendars and birthdays and things of the sort then I'm 28 and she's 24, but she was only 20 when we started dating.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Zeegagge]

Oh, and thanks to the mod for keeping the titles on track! lol