marlena Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If I'm with the person there must have been something that put us together. There must be a reason. Often times there is. Pure bad choice/judgement.
giotto Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Often times there is. Pure bad choice/judgement. I would say that, with time, the incompatibility which was obscured by the mad rush of love starts to surface when the love itself wanes...
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Often times there is. Pure bad choice/judgement. What married person hasn't questioned their choice at one point or another? I don't know one married person who hasn't at one point thought they may have made a poor choice, or that if chosen today (5,10,15, 20 years later) they would choose differently. It's about making the best out of what you have and not second guessing your decision. There is no point to it. It's a waste of time and energy in a marriage that would be better suited elsewhere.
giotto Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It's about making the best out of what you have and not second guessing your decision. I would say that this depends a lot on how happy/unhappy you are in your marriage...
WalkInThePark Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 What married person hasn't questioned their choice at one point or another? I don't know one married person who hasn't at one point thought they may have made a poor choice, or that if chosen today (5,10,15, 20 years later) they would choose differently. Maybe you find it hard to believe but there are persons who have been together for a long time who are still convinced they made the right choice.
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Maybe you find it hard to believe but there are persons who have been together for a long time who are still convinced they made the right choice. I don't find it hard to believe at all. But I do think those marriages are in the minority. I mean if half of all marriages fail, the other half aren't all happy. And even the happy marriages aren't happy all the time. I think people who never second guess their choice in partner are rare.
WalkInThePark Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 IMO, if you spend your life with them you were meant to be with them. The only difference between a good marriage and bad marriage is the attitudes of the people in it imo. If you carry the attitude that you weren't "meant to be" that's not going to make for a happy marriage or life. People marry for so many different reasons. People marry when they are only 20 years old and don't know themselves. Some people marry because all their friends are getting married. Some people marry because their parents do not approve of living together without being married. Some people marry because the woman is pregnant. Some people marry for money (read Gerhard's story). You can't possibly say that all these people are meant to be together. It is not because something exists that it is the best thing to do. People change, people evolve, people grow. I think a happy marriage is one where the connection is strong and remains strong. Being compatible helps and sometimes people fall in love but are not compatible.
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 People marry for so many different reasons. People marry when they are only 20 years old and don't know themselves. Some people marry because all their friends are getting married. Some people marry because their parents do not approve of living together without being married. Some people marry because the woman is pregnant. Some people marry for money (read Gerhard's story). You can't possibly say that all these people are meant to be together. It is not because something exists that it is the best thing to do. People change, people evolve, people grow. I think a happy marriage is one where the connection is strong and remains strong. Being compatible helps and sometimes people fall in love but are not compatible. Yes I can say that they are meant to be. If it is, than it is meant. If it isn't than it's not meant. It's as simple as that. Reasons aside, it is what it is. Make it work.
Spoiled Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? I am very undecided and still trying to come to a conclusion but leaning more toward being alone. My first love was a confident, very kind man who was open and not too prideful to express his innermost thoughts and feelings with me and ask me for advice. He made me feel respected and admired. However, due to my family's disapproval of his family, etc. I ended our relationship. Through my years of dating, I never met any other man who was as open with me. My H is one in which you have to pull teeth to get him to open up, yet I fell in love with his many wonderful qualities. Never thought it would have a very negative impact on our M and never realized how that particular quality was important to me. Met my xMM shortly after meeting H and he was always open with me. During our years of friendship, we had many deep conversations and such. Prior to our A, we became very emotionally connected and I felt passion and intimacy with him like no other, including my H. It hurts me to have never felt like this toward someone prior to M, otherwise I would have not M my H. Because when the business of life took its toll, we did not have that prior strong passionate relationship to sustain us. My daily question to myself is continue with my H who I share a great friendship, companionship, and teamwork without passion OR be alone with hopes of finding those aspects and passion with someone else.
WalkInThePark Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yes I can say that they are meant to be. If it is, than it is meant. If it isn't than it's not meant. It's as simple as that. Reasons aside, it is what it is. Make it work. That is a very depressing view. This would basically mean that one also has to try to make a marriage work in which there is abuse. Sometimes one cannot make something work because it is wrong. Maybe the marriage was right when it started but it evolved in the wrong direction.
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 That is a very depressing view. This would basically mean that one also has to try to make a marriage work in which there is abuse. Sometimes one cannot make something work because it is wrong. Maybe the marriage was right when it started but it evolved in the wrong direction. No I didn't say in cases of abuse, addiction, or adultery. The OP was talking about normal marriages where you just don't "feel it" for the other person. That's most marriages. People change and there are no guarantees in life. Everyone of us makes choices at a young age that we would have done differently when we get older if we could go back. But we can't go back. And giving up because we're just "not meant to be" is a cop out. Who says? How do you know? What if you are meant to be but you just wouldn't find a way to make it work? The proof of this flawed way of thinking is in the fact that second marriages are less successful than first marriages. It would seem that these people have found their "soul mate" on the second go 'round, but nope. They just made another "poor choice" I guess. I don't buy it. From my perspective, we live in feel good society that has no patience. Everyone wants to be happy now and look to external things to accomplish that. When that thing stops making them happy, it's time to cut their losses and go. That's bologna. Anyone can be happy at any time. It's the individual who controls their own level of happiness or misery based on their attitude. It's a choice, as is marriage. A good marriage doesn't just happen. It's a choice we make every day to continue to do the things that will make it good. We decide. It's not decided for us based on some cosmic predetermination of the souls.
Spoiled Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 No I didn't say in cases of abuse, addiction, or adultery. The OP was talking about normal marriages where you just don't "feel it" for the other person. That's most marriages. People change and there are no guarantees in life. Everyone of us makes choices at a young age that we would have done differently when we get older if we could go back. But we can't go back. And giving up because we're just "not meant to be" is a cop out. Who says? How do you know? What if you are meant to be but you just wouldn't find a way to make it work? The proof of this flawed way of thinking is in the fact that second marriages are less successful than first marriages. It would seem that these people have found their "soul mate" on the second go 'round, but nope. They just made another "poor choice" I guess. I don't buy it. From my perspective, we live in feel good society that has no patience. Everyone wants to be happy now and look to external things to accomplish that. When that thing stops making them happy, it's time to cut their losses and go. That's bologna. Anyone can be happy at any time. It's the individual who controls their own level of happiness or misery based on their attitude. It's a choice, as is marriage. A good marriage doesn't just happen. It's a choice we make every day to continue to do the things that will make it good. We decide. It's not decided for us based on some cosmic predetermination of the souls. I am aware of the low successful rates for second marriages but I do know 7 couples personally who are in their second M and all beyond a minimum of 8 years. Four of those couples have mentioned their prior mistakes and feel much more confident this time with themselves, communication, and their marriages. It was far more easier for me to control my happiness during my single life. Marriage requires the decision and hard work of two individuals. Two years ago, it was me who put forth much effort, after d-day, my H decided to give 100%. Now we both have to decide to consistently give 100% to be successful.
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 It's not about meant to be, or not meant to be, it's about decisions and consequences. Or in other words, if you stay, then it's meant to be because that's what you've decided. If you leave, then it's not meant to be because that's what you've decided. Who says that marriage is meant to be successful in the first place? Why such importance on longevity ? So a marriage was "successful" for 20 years, and in year 21 it fails. That doesn't mean it wasn't successful. It means it was successful for 20 years.
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