carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Hmm, there's this mansion across the street that's been empty for about nine years now (owners live elsewhere) and there's a gentleman who lives there alone and keeps an eye on the place. My stbx met him and told me he's a pretty decent guy. I can't say I've ever seen him. Topically, I think, being an only child uniquely prepared me for life alone. My solitary existence at home was validated by my parents, yet they still encouraged me to socialize and 'play' as a child, which I did, and had many friends. The only way I could be with other people, outside of my parents, was to learn to get along and fit in. I didn't have siblings whom I could 'count on' or interact with on a daily basis and learn the basics of social behavior without outside consequences. Everything for me had to take place out in the world. So, hence, I'm comfortable both ways. Look forward to being with people as well as being alone... Cr@p, gotta get the cookies outta the oven....perfect batch
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Cr@p, gotta get the cookies outta the oven....perfect batch Okay, what part of Sunny Cal do you live in? I'm jonesing for cookies now and I've got a whole gallon of milk!
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 The vast foggy (today) central region. The last three cookies (of three dozen or so) cooling, cat and me licked the bowl clean and washing up. The partygoers tonight will make quick work of them. My cookies and my bf's ribs are always hits at our parties and dinners. Secret weapon is the Heath bar bits in the cookies, along with the chocolate chips So happy my stbx left me the big commercial mixer so I'd have something to do with all my alone time
atlnay Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? I am VERY biased when it comes to this, I'm an only child, so I have no problems being alone & actually welcome it. I wouldn't have a prob finding fulfillment in being alone, so long as I have access to sex when the mood strikes
Unsuccessful Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I am very shy and kind of tall/skinny/no curves. Most guys are not interested in me. So, I have been in multiple LTRs with men where I knew that I had no physical attraction or even friendship feelings toward them, but I wanted to have a partner. Everyone wants to have a partner. It is the norm. Anyway, what always happens is that I get no enjoyment from the physical side. Also, I end up feeling isolated, because you spend a lot of time with your significant other, but if the person is not right for me on a friendship/emotional level, then I am not getting those needs met either. In my case, I was also having to financially support the guys as they were all low skilled/low education levels, so that was a burden as well. Last year, I had a guy who was interested in seeing me that I REALLY liked, but he changed his mind I posted some threads on it, because it hurt really badly. I am not sure what he wanted with me, but looking back, I think he just wanted a ONS or FWB. I am alone now. I am in my early 40s. I will probably be alone the rest of my life. But, for me, alone is better than being in a fake relationship where I am spending all of my time pretending to have feelings that don't exist. I have so much more energy when I am putting so much effort into pretending.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 It is interesting that both Tami and WWIU have read my post to mean that I am happy enough outside of the hypothetical posted by the OP. I am not. I do not think I can go on forever living like I am. In fact I know I won't. See the thing is...I am not choosing between my W and being alone the rest of my life...this is not the hypothetical situation presented...if I leave I will find someone, and I know this time I will not settle for just a partner...I want the passion too...I want the complete package. My real point is, eventually that intense passion slows down and one has to look at what is left. Obviously staying with a person only because you (general you) don't want to be alone and putting up with being a couple like a sis/bro isn't good in the long run, eventually one or both IS going to find passion and get a crush on someone else because there's no real deep love there to keep the couple together. DI, I didn't mean to imply that you are OK with the status quo.. I will say, the older one gets and settled in routine it's ALOT harder to start over, especially if one or both people have health issues. Sometimes it's alot easier to stay together out of convienance than split up and go separate ways. And if two people in a M are OK with that, then who am I to say otherwise?
Alma Mobley Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? I'd rather be alone. In fact, that's what I did. I was with a man for ten years that was clearly not compatible with me. (I was very young when we got together.) It wasn't even just the passion. We really had nothing to talk about and I felt empty and alone. I looked forward to his frequent trips out of town. I finally decided it was time to go. Eventually, I found someone else, and he found someone else, and we're both the better for it. We did not have kids, though, so maybe it was easier than it is for some.
Author JaneInVegas Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Are we allowed the odd shag? Nope. The hypothetical situation requires a 'playing fair' ballfield on both sides. Your hypothetical spouse (who I initially stated doesn't cheat on you, either) needs to have the same rules from you in order for the equation to work. (does that make sense? my brain is fried right now!) I'm tallying responses, after I'm done I'll have more comments ...
Author JaneInVegas Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Passion can last. But you must be willing to give that person your time and attention and not become complacent. Which is what happens to most people it seems. CCL Passion can last for about ... what? ... 1% of the couples out there? Personally I've never known anyone who has been able to maintain that more than a few years. Of course I know it does happen, but it's rare, and I believe it's simply not possible for a vast majority of people. Only a rare couple gets that great relationship.
Author JaneInVegas Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 If 'not meant to be with' means incompatible, then, sure, alone is preferable. Why torture yourself? That's not exactly what I meant. The compatability level between me and my guy are relatively high. We very, very rarely fight. He just doesn't do it for me, though, and I know my happiness level could possibly be higher. Anyone have a different definition that might fit better than "not meant to be with" ?
carhill Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Apparently, for you, compatibility and attraction run on separate tracks. As the tracks are not converging, you are not meant to be with him
Author JaneInVegas Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I never expected to feel so alone sitting in a room with another person. I can soooooo totally relate with this ...
carhill Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If you are compatible and you are attracted, IMO, the next step, if you feel you are not meant to be with him, is professional help. Seriously. The issue is internal, within yourself. Having gotten it, I can tell you it was beneficial in this regard. It also helps with feeling healthy while alone. OK, off to the party. Done being alone for today. My bf's wife already checked up on me once
Author JaneInVegas Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I'm a little surprised with the answers so far. 15 different people posted, 2 didn't offer an opinion one way or the other, 5 would rather be in a not quite so perfect relationship than be alone, and 8 would rather be alone. Honestly, I thought being in a relationship would be an overwhelming win. I am on the fence, and I guess I'm looking for insight to help me off one side or the other.
Author JaneInVegas Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 If you are compatible and you are attracted, IMO, the next step, if you feel you are not meant to be with him, is professional help. Seriously. The issue is internal, within yourself. Professional help has been an option for awhile. There are other issues involved in our relationship I wanted to remove from the picture to simplify things. I believe (oh gawd I hope) that the major issues are resolved, and the remaining petty ones are just too ... petty to mix into the equation. But honestly, I don't think I've ever seen compatability and attraction as running on the same tracks. A very long time ago I was with a guy where we had on-the-chandelier-monkey-sex every night for the duration of our 2 year relationship, and we fought constantly. Not just disagreements either, he was physically abusive as well. My attraction to him was off the charts (and sadly, I still love him to this day) but our compatability rating had a minus sign in front of it. I gave up trying to make sense out of all this years ago.
crazycatlady Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 While I do not condone physical abuse, and never would condone physical abuse, I wouldn't say my H and I don't fight. We argue alot. But we are two people who love to argue. So its a good match for us. Its not the abuse you loved, it was the fact that arguing and fighting can make you feel truly alive. Which is why getting along so perfectly well with people I think is also a bad thing for a marriage. You aren't truly compatable with your partner if you are lonely with them. Sure you get along, but I get a long with a great number of people I sure as heck wouldn't want to be married to. I dated a number of men I didn't ever fight with....I hated it. I would rather deal with a bit of strife then no passion. Passion is such a must to truly live. Passion in one's mate, passion in one's job, passion in one's hobby. Passion must be somewhere, hopefully in more then one place. But passion is still not easy. I know a lot of couples who have and can keep passion alive. But its like everything else worth while in life, you gotta work at it. If I slip and start taking H for granted, passion slides, sex slides, what sex we have eh, I start not wanting it again. Its a bad situation all around. So I take the time to look at H daily and go , Man this guy is freaking HOT. And then think to myself, I want him. Just like I did when I first met him. Sure he does things that pisses me off like leave socks all over the place and some even worse then that, but in the end, keeping the passion alive is so worth the effort. However you can't let it slumber for long or passion will die and I don't know how easy it is to bring it back from the dead. CCL
Devil Inside Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Here's the question -- did you have passion with your current partner when you two started? Because "that illusive spark of passion" DOES NOT LAST. Scientifically proven fact and so many people who want more, want that chemical reaction which cannot be maintained over decades. I can say that there was some passion when the relationship started...as opposed to none now. However, I know for a fact that I have always had more passion for every other woman I had a LTR with then my W. My W, was just the person that it was easiest to be in a relationship with...then she became pregnant. It also happened when we were young and I didn't really know what I wanted. The passion I am talking about here is not infatuation...or the chemical reaction. I am talking about a level of passion that is sustainable and for that to be the case it had to be there in a fair amount in the first place.
Devil Inside Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 But honestly, I don't think I've ever seen compatability and attraction as running on the same tracks. A very long time ago I was with a guy where we had on-the-chandelier-monkey-sex every night for the duration of our 2 year relationship, and we fought constantly. Not just disagreements either, he was physically abusive as well. My attraction to him was off the charts (and sadly, I still love him to this day) but our compatability rating had a minus sign in front of it. I gave up trying to make sense out of all this years ago. So there in comes one of my great questions. Would you rather be in a relationship with someone that you get a long with but have no sexual or romantic chemistry with...or the person that you have a lot of passion with..but it is volatile. I have had both kind of relationships. I always miss the fire and intensity that comes with the passionate relationship. Of course I am in the stable relationship now...makes you wonder if you are in a passionate relationship if you miss the stability. As I said before...I want both. I didn't always think that existed...but I am choosing to believe that it does. Or I am at least going to try to find it.
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Hmmm, I'm leaning towards preferring being alone. Living in a state of partnership with someone you don't really love, is like having a roommate (which can be difficult enough) with whom you need to obtain permission to do a lot of things. If I'm going to be tied down to someone, then I want love to be the glue... not duty.
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm not afraid of being "alone" at all. I lived alone for several years before getting married. There are always kids, friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, online chatting buddies, pets, etc. to keep one from being completely alone.
giotto Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm a little surprised with the answers so far. 15 different people posted, 2 didn't offer an opinion one way or the other, 5 would rather be in a not quite so perfect relationship than be alone, and 8 would rather be alone. Honestly, I thought being in a relationship would be an overwhelming win. I am on the fence, and I guess I'm looking for insight to help me off one side or the other. ok, my answer: I'd rather be alone...
WalkInThePark Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm curious about something, wondering what the popular opinion would be. Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? And no, they're not wife beaters, or cheating on you all the time ... you two get along as well as can be expected with the average amount of problems ... you get the gist. But they're clearly not your soul mate, and there's a part of you that feels empty. Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? Very good question. I am one of those people who has chosen to be alone rather than with someone who is not my soulmate. I have been together with men with whom I could have made things work. But when I was younger, I was not very compromising, very black and white and my negotiation skills were not good at all. I have become a lot softer with the years. But is there any of my exes I would like to get back? HELL NO!!! These relationships have learnt me a lot about myself and about what I want in a relationship. But these men were not the one for me. Of course I often feel alone and/or lonely. I am very good at living by myself but I know I would feel better if I would be in a relationship. But I cannot be with someone unless he really touches my soul. And although I am very physical, I can only be physical with someone I really love. But to me, nothing seems more lonely than being together with someone where you don't feel that special connection.
OnlyJake Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm curious about something, wondering what the popular opinion would be. Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? And no, they're not wife beaters, or cheating on you all the time ... you two get along as well as can be expected with the average amount of problems ... you get the gist. But they're clearly not your soul mate, and there's a part of you that feels empty. Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? I would choose to be with someone "I'm not meant to be with." I don't believe in "soulmates" and I don't believe anyone should rely on another person for fulfillment. When it comes to relationships and marriage and commitment, you make a choice, you stick with it, and you do your best to make it work.
silktricks Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Passion can last for about ... what? ... 1% of the couples out there? Personally I've never known anyone who has been able to maintain that more than a few years. Of course I know it does happen, but it's rare, and I believe it's simply not possible for a vast majority of people. Only a rare couple gets that great relationship. My H and I have been together for 30 years. We still have passion for each other. It's great! Oh yeah.... to answer the question. Given the choices provided, I'd rather be alone. I don't know if there is such a thing as a "soulmate", so I'm assuming that you mean no spark, no fire, no passion. I wouldn't choose to put up with all of the day-to-day work of making a relationship without that. It would be easier to be alone and have a dog. That said, though, I also believe that if the passion, the fire, EVER existed, then it can again. Under THAT circumstance, I'd stay in the relationship and work to repair what had gone wrong. Edited January 11, 2010 by silktricks
hopeful1980 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 IMO, if you spend your life with them you were meant to be with them. The only difference between a good marriage and bad marriage is the attitudes of the people in it imo. If you carry the attitude that you weren't "meant to be" that's not going to make for a happy marriage or life. I'd rather make my marriage work than be alone. If I'm with the person there must have been something that put us together. There must be a reason.
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