JaneInVegas Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I'm curious about something, wondering what the popular opinion would be. Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? And no, they're not wife beaters, or cheating on you all the time ... you two get along as well as can be expected with the average amount of problems ... you get the gist. But they're clearly not your soul mate, and there's a part of you that feels empty. Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone?
Devil Inside Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I'm curious about something, wondering what the popular opinion would be. Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? And no, they're not wife beaters, or cheating on you all the time ... you two get along as well as can be expected with the average amount of problems ... you get the gist. But they're clearly not your soul mate, and there's a part of you that feels empty. Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? Funny...well not funny ha ha, but funny curious. I am in this exact situation in my M. I am with somebody that I get a long with, but she is not the person that makes me feel complete...I do feel empty and alone with her. However if my only other choice was to be alone for the rest of my life I think I would stay. I mean, she may not be the person that I have passion for, but she is someone that I have built a partnership with, and I would feel even more alone without her.
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I have been alone for about two years now. Prior to that, I had four LTR which constituted the bulk of my adult life (25 years-worth of relationships). Right now, I would take back any one of my Ex's (even the last one IF he could be sober), to not be alone. I have been on a dozen or so dates in the past two years and only three of them went to a second date -- but nothing beyond that. I have to resort to Craigslist Casual Encounters for occasional physical fulfillment. I am self-employed and there are days on end when I don't even talk to another human being and it is getting very, very old. I would rather find "completeness" and "fulfillment" in my personal accomplishments which I could at least share with someone on a daily basis AND be able to sleep next to a warm body versus this continual solitude. All that, and not having to cook for One would be really nice.
tami-chan Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Funny...well not funny ha ha, but funny curious. I am in this exact situation in my M. I am with somebody that I get a long with, but she is not the person that makes me feel complete...I do feel empty and alone with her. However if my only other choice was to be alone for the rest of my life I think I would stay. I mean, she may not be the person that I have passion for, but she is someone that I have built a partnership with, and I would feel even more alone without her. I think this is one of the most honest posts I have read lately. Passion dies down or plateaus as it is based on emotions. A good partnership is built on respect and things that are tangible-finances, children, etc. and therefore more stable. I think you are one of the lucky ones who have found someone you trust enough to have a partnership with. It looks like you are realizing that-here's hoping somewhere down the road and soon, you will be able to re-establish passion with your wife...
AmIParanoid Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Deal with the empty part of you and find comfort in being with someone? ... or try to feel fulfillment in living your life alone? I would pick living with a partner rather than as an isolated hermit and then do my best to try to get over myself and be the best partner I could be.
giotto Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I have been alone for about two years now. Prior to that, I had four LTR which constituted the bulk of my adult life (25 years-worth of relationships). Right now, I would take back any one of my Ex's (even the last one IF he could be sober), to not be alone. I have been on a dozen or so dates in the past two years and only three of them went to a second date -- but nothing beyond that. I have to resort to Craigslist Casual Encounters for occasional physical fulfillment. I am self-employed and there are days on end when I don't even talk to another human being and it is getting very, very old. I would rather find "completeness" and "fulfillment" in my personal accomplishments which I could at least share with someone on a daily basis AND be able to sleep next to a warm body versus this continual solitude. All that, and not having to cook for One would be really nice. wow, Carrie, that's really sad... I feel for you... hugs
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 The older one gets, the less it is about passion, wild monkey sex, hanging from the ceiling! It's great to be with someone who loves you for who you are, accepts your flaws. As DI said, he's built a life with his wife and is happy enough. Maybe it's our western world thinking and changing with the times, but society now is much more selfish, even more so with facebook, twitter etc, making oneself feel important. When one makes a committment stick to it. Make it work.. Doesn't have to be perfect and happy all the time. Life certainly isn't like that, so why should we have this expectation that a marriage has to be happy, passionate 24/7, to be happy and fulfilled? With that said, it's important to have outside interests, away from the marriage. Friends, hobbies, things one does on their own.. All that matters as well and the more fulfilled one is with everything in their life, the less chance of the marriage feeling dull and boring are going to happen..
Devil Inside Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 It is interesting that both Tami and WWIU have read my post to mean that I am happy enough outside of the hypothetical posted by the OP. I am not. I do not think I can go on forever living like I am. In fact I know I won't. See the thing is...I am not choosing between my W and being alone the rest of my life...this is not the hypothetical situation presented...if I leave I will find someone, and I know this time I will not settle for just a partner...I want the passion too...I want the complete package.
zetkin Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 (edited) Maybe, I’ll be the first to say this but I’d better stay alone than be with a person who isn’t really my solemate. I’m quite independent and self-sufficient and I’m used to being alone. I’m not talking about lack of passion or something like that. Actually when I was younger I thought that love is not the main thing for marriage, that if you find a nice kind person, you can gradually learn to love him/her. Now I don’t think like that any more, because I spent two years of my life with a person I didn’t love. Though the relationship was fine, we almost never argued, but I couldn’t get away from the feeling of annoyance. I mean small things like for example when we were leaving the flat he would lose so much time - walk round the flat looking for some unimportant thing for ten-fifteen minutes, then he would walk around three times checking everything was closed/turned off and than when he was locking the door he would pull it three times to be absolutely-absolutely-absolutely sure it's locked. It really irritated me, because I prefer to leave right at once and I usually managed my time so that i don't have time to wait for him for an hour though maybe I’m a little bit exaggerating ))) I was simply getting tired of him. I'm much better alone now. Edited January 10, 2010 by zetkin
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 wow, Carrie, that's really sad... I feel for you... hugs Thanks. Needed and appreciated.
giotto Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Let's say you had to choose between living the rest of your life with someone you're not meant to be with, or, living alone for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Are we allowed the odd shag?
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I want the passion too...I want the complete package. Here's the question -- did you have passion with your current partner when you two started? Because "that illusive spark of passion" DOES NOT LAST. Scientifically proven fact and so many people who want more, want that chemical reaction which cannot be maintained over decades.
marlena Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Well, no. I am fine alone and enjoy my independence. If I just wanted someone to live with, a body in the house, someone to talk to, I would simply find a roomate of either sex. I can not live as a couple with a person I do not desire to be with. I could not share a bed with him or have sex with him if all I felt for him were a friendly fondess. There would have to be more. And I don't necessarily mean wild sex but passion of feeling for him... a powerful pull in his direction, a desire to be in his presence.
crazycatlady Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Bull**** that it can't be made to last decades. H and I have been together only 14 years but the passion is stronger now then it was in the beginning. And my parents. They hump like All the time. Everywhere. They are always giving each other that "look" and when she walks by he grabs her butt. Embaressing as a child, but pretty darn cook to see as an adult knowing they have been married over 40 years. Passion can last. But you must be willing to give that person your time and attention and not become complacent. Which is what happens to most people it seems. As for the original question......I don't know. I have no desire to live without passion in my life, and like DI would probably leave to seek it out. If I couldn't find that passion.....hmmm.....With my H, if the passion is gone then he wouldn't be a pleasant person to live with, and I would rather be alone then live like that. So alone. And if its me that has lost the passion I would be at the doctor's office going "what's wrong with me or change my medication" CCL
tami-chan Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 It is interesting that both Tami and WWIU have read my post to mean that I am happy enough outside of the hypothetical posted by the OP. I am not. I do not think I can go on forever living like I am. In fact I know I won't. See the thing is...I am not choosing between my W and being alone the rest of my life...this is not the hypothetical situation presented...if I leave I will find someone, and I know this time I will not settle for just a partner...I want the passion too...I want the complete package. I am desperate for "happy" endings..lol..sorry I misunderstood. I was projecting. You are right, there were only TWO options and you will choose to be with your wife whom you have a good partnership with rather than be alone. I assume that means " physically alone" because you said that even now while still married you feel "alone"(emotionally?). I think most people would choose the same.
PhoenixRise Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I was very happy living alone before my H and I moved in together. In fact it was a HUGE adjustment for me sharing "my" space. I know I would be happier living alone than just sharing space with someone because of friendship or partnership.
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 living alone for the rest of your life, with a cat I'll let you know in another 15 years or so, when I become a cat widower If 'not meant to be with' means incompatible, then, sure, alone is preferable. Why torture yourself?
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I'll let you know in another 15 years or so, when I become a cat widower If 'not meant to be with' means incompatible, then, sure, alone is preferable. Why torture yourself? My cat and I are celebrating our 17th Anniversary this coming week. Believe me, solitude is a torture all on its own. At least with another human being in your life, there is a the potential of something; camaraderie, companionship, shared memories. There is none of that when you are alone.
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I have lots of people in my life; just no wife. TBH, I don't miss that dynamic at all. It was a soul-sucker. My Siamese is a male, and acts just like a dog, so we get along perfectly IMO, the key is acceptance. I accept the doorbell will not ring; the phone will be silent; all I will hear today are some relatively frozen birds chirping outside. No cars, no humans, no nothing. I am baking cookies to take as a gift to friends I will be having dinner with tonight. We'll drink beer, eat ribs and laugh at the absurdities of life and share a few serious moments. In between I'll finish up the shower I'm working on at a rental property. Life goes on. It's what one makes of it.
marlena Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 IMO, the key is acceptance. I accept the doorbell will not ring; the phone will be silent; all I will hear today are some relatively frozen birds chirping outside. No cars, no humans, no nothing. I am baking cookies to take as a gift to friends I will be having dinner with tonight. We'll drink beer, eat ribs and laugh at the absurdities of life and share a few serious moments. In between I'll finish up the shower I'm working on at a rental property. Life goes on. It's what one makes of it I like this attitude!
tami-chan Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I have lots of people in my life; just no wife. TBH, I don't miss that dynamic at all. It was a soul-sucker. My Siamese is a male, and acts just like a dog, so we get along perfectly IMO, the key is acceptance. I accept the doorbell will not ring; the phone will be silent; all I will hear today are some relatively frozen birds chirping outside. No cars, no humans, no nothing. I am baking cookies to take as a gift to friends I will be having dinner with tonight. We'll drink beer, eat ribs and laugh at the absurdities of life and share a few serious moments. In between I'll finish up the shower I'm working on at a rental property. Life goes on. It's what one makes of it. Exactly! I so totally agree with this. When I stayed in my marriage after my xH cheated, I accepted that that was my reality and focused on other things. Truly, it was not bad at all...and I was not full of anger and did not hate him.
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I just finished up some correspondence with stbx regarding some filing irregularities in our divorce paperwork. The court returned a document as being out of order. No problem; we'll get it fixed. I gave her a timeline of the process based on my year-end accounting, which will be about a week. Back to baking, alone.
Crusoe Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I don't think many people are built for being alone. Short term it can be great and teaches you what is important in life, but long term it will chew most people up. I have been alone for 9 years now, live out in the country and like CarrieT, am self employed, often work alone and sometimes go days and weeks without speaking to anyone. It rarely bothers me, 95% of the time I am happy and am a firm believer that no woman is better than the wrong woman. I have never really felt that empty feeling people talk about, I can only imagine it would be worse if alone, but I do believe that feeling is yours and nothing to do with a partner.
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