Give it time while I do my own thing? hoping to work things out

[rose45]

my ex and i were together for over a couple of years and broke up over a year ago but noone did anything so wrong..no cheating or anything..just arguments over silly things; trivial stuff..maybe we needed time apart.

 

i contacted him a year later leaving a v-mail and he called me back a few minutes later and i explained my regrets immediately and he said he can't jump back into this which I understood. We can't rush back into being together. He also said there are financial things going on stressing him out and also how he feels closed off right now. He said we would exchange calls and then meet. We have been talking for a few months about twice a week. And just from knowing him I can tell he isn't the type to run back; like it wouldn't be a switch for him to just jump back immediately and it would be a long process. Its also going to be really awkward when we do see each other. I don't think he ever got back with an ex; i think anything to do with emotions and tough situations he tries to ignore.

 

He also does seem like he isn't happy with the way things in his life are going (unless he is bs'ing me). He says with the mortgage he is paying for a family member's house he has negative income coming in and that he also might have to give up his apartment. He also said he thinks his job will be making rounds of layoffs and he would eventually be affected. He also said if he gave up his apartment (and I live at home but actually might be moving out soon but i didn't tell him that just yet.) he said where are we going to go; what are we going to do? you need money to do some things etc. I said its not a reason to not see someone. You work around it.

 

He said it doesn't feel right to him right now to see each other. He said he can't erase the negative things or red flags that happened before so quickly etc (noone cheated or anything; it was just petty arguments that should have been avoided) I told him i really regret alot of things and that alot of situations were very new for me and he said he knows.

 

hopefully i didn't screw things up so much that he can't give this another chance. He didn't do everything right either but i do take more of the blame and truly have alot of regrets. He actually said i shouldn't torture myself about it; it was a long time ago.

 

He said at the very least just put things on hold and that he needs to square other things away first and that he just isn't in that mindset right now to be in a relationship and to basically give it more time for him to think about it.

 

I asked him directly do you want me to go away and is this a done deal? and he said he isn't ready to say ok don't talk to me anymore. And I asked so you don't even know if you want to see me in a few months? and he said well it would have to be within a few months or so and that he can't expect me to wait 5 years for a phone call and i told him no i can't do that. I also pointed out it seems like you are turning down the idea without even trying and he said what we have been doing now is trying but he just isn't ready right now and that he sort of got used to the way things are right now. I asked what are you so afraid of? and he said that it seems whatever he takes a chance on turns to crap.

 

And he said he knows what will happen when we do see each other; it will just be more and more--whatever that means--becoming attached again? I sort of agreed to put things on hold by saying ok so you will call me? He said he would call during the week.

 

He said he doesnt doubt that i have been trying very hard and he knows i have good intentions.

 

Should I leave the door open for the possibility and just be casual on the phone from now on with no serious talk or questions about meeting for awhile and see what unfolds? In the meantime, I am on dating sites open to meeting other people and I am not going to stop living but on the inside I am hoping he comes around. I don't want to regret anything by closing this chapter so fast b/c if i said ok just call me when you are ready or its all or nothing right now--it would just be nothing. I know his personality and he will not like a statement like that. A close guy friend said don't say that to someone anyways..all or nothing. He said just kind of hope for the best but do your own thing as well.

[WantToFixIt]

Rose45 - You sound like a very genuine sweet person. No doubt you have the best of intentions.

 

You made it one year after the break up and you didn't screw things up to the point of no reconciliation. That shows impressive self control and strength - even true healing.

 

After a year I honestly would never expect to hear from any of my old flames and I would have to seriously think hard before trying it twice.

 

Your old close guy friend is right. Don't say "all or nothing" now or ever. You can make that decision yourself but giving him an ultimatem is not fair at this stage.

 

Continue to be caring, but more importantly continue your independence. That will give the best shot at getting him back. Be supportive but don't allow him to walk on you. Honestly, you would be doing yourself a favor by letting him go and moving on to new unchartered waters.

 

Patience is a virtue. Be patient and look forward with open eyes. Your heart sounds genuine and loving and so it seems obvious that things will eventually work out in your favor - as long as you love yourself.

 

 

 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

[rose45]

thank you so much for your response!

 

I am thinking of telling him i might be moving out so atleast he knows that is a possibe option of us being together without spending so much money. Not meaning its whats preventing us from getting back; i know its other reasons but just for him to know we both wouldn't be stuck home with parents. Is that a bad idea?

 

I hope it shows I am interested for true reasons. I said i wasn't looking for us to spend all this money just to spend some time together. I even asked what did you do before your apartment when you had that serious relationship? and he said hotels and even that got pricey.

 

The negative side of course goes to the fact that maybe he knows for sure he isn't going to see(but i dont get why he wouldn't just tell me b/c it would make things alot easier than having another one of these convos again) or maybe he is seeing if someone better comes along or something...but the other part thinks he might just be being honest with what he says and just isn't in the mindset for a relationship with everything else going and meant it when he said to just put things on hold and it doesnt feel right right now..i feel like some part of him is open to this a tiny bit even if he is closed off otherwise we wouldn't be doing this npw.

 

Just hope I didn't ruin this completely with him saying i can't erase the negative things---he knows i loved him alot and probably knows i still do but i think it was my first time around in a serious relationship so everything was sort of new to me and i think reacted wrong to alot of situations etc. I definitely know what i would do different. Just hope he comes around b/c i really want this chance with him and i am so scared of screwing this up right now.

 

he even said these conversations about this stresses him out. He hates having them even if its needed. I needed to know where i stood but i hope b/c of that he doesnt think nothing changed or something

[WantToFixIt]

You should move out, but only as an aspect of personal growth. Don't tell him about it until you have already moved in. Save a big suprise that is meaningful for the right moment; it will also make him wonder what else you are capable of without him.

 

What is for sure is that the more pressure he feels right now, the more he will be pushed away for good.

 

You must find your center - your strength that tells you that you will be okay without him. If you push him thats where you will be anyway and it will be a longer journey back to center.

 

Right now it feels you love him. At this point all you can do is give him time to decide if he loves you too. He can't make that decision if you are doing all the work. He doesn't need to. We all hate the idea of games, so don't think of it as one, but think of it as a step by step process.

 

First step is to detach yourself from the idea of him and give him space. When you do speak show independence mixed with a bit of apathy and confidence.

 

Do not allow him to be perfect in your mind, you know he is not. You are worthy of him and deserve him. Believe that for yourself before you expect him to agree.

 

This is not a race - you have your life ahead, take your time and do it right; keep in mind that patience is truly a virtue.

 

Keep us updated on your progress.

 

 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

[rose45]

so a way to handle this is to make sure our convo's are as stressfree as possble right? asking him how is everything and giving him a chance to talk more about it if he wants and giving him time to allow the feeling of it being right to see each other?

 

if i stressed him out a few times these past few months i think it was only b/c i was a little confused as to what was going on. He doesnt like talking about this stuff so it leaves me wondering at times but i guess now i have all the information i need for now

 

do you think i ruined this so much the first time i won't be given that second chance? he has a hard time believing people change but i think people can learn from their mistakes and they make the choice to change certain actions they know are driving away others whoever it may be.

[rose45]

hey want; hope you respond back

 

also welcoming others thoughts..hope all is well.

[rose45]

hey want,

 

was trying to send you a private message but don't think you have that available.

[rose45]

want,

 

havent heard from him since that convo last week and he said he would call me this week(might have meant this week we are in now, not sure) and i even said at the end of the convo ok so you will call me this week and he said definitely

 

did he blow me off now? thought about things some more and changed his mind totally about even talking and putting things on hold? i was thinking of texting him something really general about me or work..something to show its not about us and to kind of clear the air in a sense and see he says..or is that a bad move?

 

i know some people say dont contact him if he doesnt contact you and thats it..but i'm not sure if i can do that...you can send me a private message if you want.

 

thanks!

[WantToFixIt]

Hey Rose45 - Sorry not to get back to you sooner. I guess i've been taking my own advice and staying busy.

 

Hopefully you haven't contacted him. I know a week feels like a long time but when it comes down to this week or forever - it's not that long. You can do it.

 

But keep in mind your not contacting him is for you first - as well as your relationship. Take the time today to look at your surroundings and think of any changes you can make that will make your life a little better, occupy your mind and boost your self esteem.

 

Right now it's important to not ask him for anything - not even a phone call. Don't do anything for him right now either.

 

P,S, Can i ask how old you two are? It's hard to know what to say without some more info.

[rose45]

hey want,

 

glad to hear from you! i am in my mid 20's and he is in his 30's.

 

 

Well something changed actually..yesterday i found out the company i work for could be bought out meaning the possibility of losing my job..it seemed pretty real yesterday (and more of a rumor today) with different little things and i was kind of upset and nervous after work and i texted him the news which maybe i shouldnt have done like you mentioned in your earlier post (i didn't read it til now btw). He called me right away and we spoke for about an hour..things just seem more simple when i speak to him i guess. We spoke further about serious things like his situation...it was kind of a down in the dumps convo, hopefully thats not a bad thing? lol no mention of us or anything b/c i won't do that anymore..at the end of the convo he was saying good luck and i did ask him do you want to talk soon? and he said let him know what happens with this situation and i said but do you want to call me? (i guess i just wanted to know something because i definitely can't keep calling him and having it be just me) and he said he would call me

 

Little extra detail that shows what my luck is like lol...hours later, close to midnight i grabbed my phone and my phone is very sensitive and dials numbers so easily, i hate it. I looked at it and it started dialing his number and i tried to end the call as quickly as i could but 2 seconds went by. Without thinking i texted him saying that was an accident, i hate this phone.

 

Later on i started thinking maybe his phone didn't even ring and he didn't receive a miss call because there is a lag at times when a phone starts ringing..sometimes it takes longer you know what i mean? Which makes me think does it look completely weird if he didn't get a call and saw that text? I don't want him thinking what i texted him hours before was a mistake. I hope its common sense that what i was referring to was him possibly getting a call at that moment.

 

I know this sounds a little weird but it was on my mind and i thought i would tell you and get your input. (such bad luck huh? Lol)

[littlebittle]

i think it's good that you guys are talking again, as long as you feel that it's not harmful to you in any way. if you stay in contact with him, try not to talk about your relationship too much. just be friends. also, don't focus on the negative. it sounds like you guys are both going through tough times, so it's kind of hard not to think about the bad stuff. it's also good to have someone to talk to about those things. but if you can try to stay positive, i think it will be good for both of you. also, like the other guy said, you really need to focus on yourself and being happy with yourself. i am realizing this more and more. it's like, "damn, i have all of this stuff i want to do, and i need to be able to do it with or without my ex. it is my life, after all."

 

as far as the phone thing, don't sweat it. even if there was a lag and he didn't even see that your phone accidentally dialed him, the way you worded your text made it sound like your phone did something to malfunction - not that you made a mistake by calling him to talk earlier. i wouldn't worry about it

[rose45]

thanks for your response

 

so its not a big deal with that text whether he received that missed call or not? hope it was misinterpreted

 

want, hope you respond soon as well.

[rose45]

hey want.

 

hope to hear from you soon or any others who have thoughts

[rose45]

hey want,

 

hope to hear from you soon

[WantToFixIt]

Hey Rose - How are things going? Is the job still ok, are you still moving out? The phone story was pretty funny. Things like that are less important than the intentions behind them. I hope you are still holding strong and not contacting him. "You can always call him - but you can never uncall him". Wait til the timing is right. Let us know how you are doing.

[rose45]

hey want,

 

the job seems to be ok for now. I haven't called him since last week when i texted him about my job.

 

No big deal about that text I had sent him later in the evening saying that was an accident etc?

 

I hope he calls soon and wasn't just bsing me or something before saying to just put it on hold for now.

[rose45]

hey want and everyone else,

 

I haven't heard from him since our last convo that night and also the same night of sending him that text saying it was an accident etc

 

I have been tempted to text him but know that might look weird especially since valentines day is a week away..it might look im trying to see what he will be doing or something i have no idea

 

its been a little over 2 weeks, i just feel a little sad and anxious..i hope he meant what he said about putting things on hold for now and how he will call and isn't blowing me off..sometimes i just want to text and ask what's going on and is this it?

 

am i reacting a little too soon? I am hoping he may need space and time and if i give it to him he will call.... maybe he is waiting for vday to pass by since it can be awkward, i have no idea i hope he calls but i am feeling a little anxious wanting to call him.

 

I hope you write back.

[littlebittle]

give him time. don't text him. if he said he needs space, you need to trust that he will contact you when he feels ready. he will appreciate you for this, and it's important that you respect his wishes.

 

you seem really anxious about all of this stuff. it's super nerve-racking, i know! it's hard not to think about this kind of thing. but it's really important that you focus on yourself now. focus on things in your life outside of him and this relationship. you need to be happy with yourself, and being single and apart from him now will give you a chance to focus on making your own life better. don't worry so much about what will happen with him right now. worrying won't do you any good, because there's really not much you can do to change things. just give him his space and focus on your own life.

[rose45]

well he didn't really say he needed space..just to put things on hold..i guess thats the same thing maybe? i did ask so are we not going to talk as often(every few days) and he said he didn't think that was often..but now we arent even doing that you know what i mean?

 

so i am hoping if i give it time he will eventually just call..i just hope he isn't blowing me off and not going to do anything.

 

thank you for the advice..am trying to keep busy...guess this week its bothering me and i am wondering if he wont call at all..it hurts wondering. I dont get what happened..i know it might have been stressful when i questioned where i stood a little but i couldn't just keep talking for months and not ask anything. After that i dropped the issue but its like i did something to screw it up already. He said he knows i have been trying very hard.

Edited February 4, 2010 by rose45

[Hersheys]

Hey rose. Is NC an option?

 

I know it sucks to be told to put things on hold but you should not allow an ex dictate to you a possible reconciliation in his own convenient time.

 

I think you've done enough to let him know you are interested, now let him make decisions on his own without you in the picture. In the meantime, try your best to go no contact. Stop waiting for him to come around because we really cannot control exes into coming back.

 

Stop contacting him. Stop pressuring him into calling you. Do not stress about the missed call and text, it has happened to most of us at the worst possible time! lol I lost of sleep in the past stressing about a text/VM sent that went unanswered. I agree with the above posts, try to show a little independence by not calling him for sometime. 1) Maybe your silence will spark some interest in him and make him curious about you OR 2) It will help you move on, meet new people and forget about him. I'm rooting for #2 : )

[rose45]

hey everyone

 

little update..i am hoping he is avoiding the emotional holidays---xmas, nye, valentines day because he just isn't ready

 

but it gets hard at times wondering if he will ever call or does he just need some time?

 

we went from speaking every few days since september to nothing..and its like i stressed him out already and did something wrong when i started to try to figure out what was going on, where i stood a little more b/c i was pretty much left in the dark..close friends who know about the situation say it was normal for you to want to know after 2-3 months where you stood, wondering about when you would see him but sometimes i think maybe they are just telling me what i want to hear? or maybe i am just blaming myself too much?

 

..i know texted him 2 messages i regret...one was after having a long phone call the night before..and i think i did sound a little needy..or maybe sad is actually a better word b/c it felt like he was distancing himself from calling as much(taking place about 2 weeks before christmas)..and i texted him the next day saying sorry about last night..he said there is nothing to be sorry about..and i said i guess this is sort of easy for you but confusing for me at times..he said he wouldnt say its easy..but its like little stuff like this i guess was my fault---like i stressed him out or something? I didn't remain casual enough or laid back? i feel like if i had we would still be talking..

 

.i didn't speak about anything serious or relationship type like until november when i asked before the month is over do you think it would be a good idea to meet..so for 2 and a half months i never brought up anything.

 

Now i feel regret about this, like i should not have asked until he did or something but i thought it would have been a good idea to get his feedback and get the ball rolling in a sense. I don't think he doubts my good intentions and even said he doesn't.

 

He said to put things on hold and he has other things to square away..i hope he didn't just say this and now figures im going to avoid calling her altogether

 

little heart broken tonight (have been keeping busy and going on dates)

Edited February 15, 2010 by rose45

[rose45]

hey wanted, (and everyone else)

 

hope you are still around and will read my recent post soon.

 

thank you

[kickintheaz]

hey Rose

 

wow.. sounds like my last year, although you seem to have handled it a little better than I did at times.. kinda similar story, broke up a year ago (some trivial issues, some serious ones from during our 3+ yrs together) did the friends thing for/with her for most of last year then spent last few months questioning why we aren't together and telling her I mean serious commitment business(albeit sometimes acting like a 15 yr old brat!)..

 

anyway, confusion, indecision, needing time, working on own issues, knowing intentions are true etc are all familiar phrases to me and have governed a lot of what i've done since oct.. no more though..

 

if I may, my 2 cents.. he needs to MISS you now.. he needs to know you're not randomly texting him, trying to be friends when you want more, trying to call (even accidentally!!! that happens us all... modern technology is our nemesis sometimes!) As long as that is happening there is the good chance he is thinking 'that she is waiting so I'll just carry on taking my sweet time about it all'

 

Remember....

He knows how you feel.

He knows your intentions are true.

He knows what you want with him.

He has been in a relationship with you but whilst that ended and ye entered a different phase for a while, by you not being there for him now anytime, by not contacting him, he'll start to wonder, to sort out his head, to think about you and the GOOD times ye had..

 

He needs to see what life is like with Rose out of the picture.. now some might say 'that'll kill it'.. well, I don't believe so, not after a year of 'breakup friendship' and then the questions as to whether ye get back, he has asked to put things on 'hold'.. could mean a million different things, but he has thought about it enough to say that.. so keep doing what you are doing, you're doing fab btw... moving out.. dating... hopefully job stabilises for ya.. but you are living a life and the one thing thats there is hope..which can be good and bad.. its good, cos if its a good thing ye had, then maybe its worth holding onto, but its also bad, cos you are questioning everything you do-do you stress him out, you regret this and that.. ya gotta stop thinking like that..

 

i've gone complete nc now with ex, she has heard everything i have to say and knows where I am at and what i want.. if she realises when I am gone, that she has made a mistake, then so be it.. but my life has to continue on now.. and so should yours..

 

its hard to say it and to hear, but he'll only come back to you in his own time when he realises that is what he wants.. and well, on the flip side, if he doesn't,.. isn't that his loss and you'll have moved on..

 

let him miss you Rose.... let him miss ya... and go live your life..

 

remember, 'whats for you won't pass you'...

[rose45]

hey

 

thank you so much for replying..i hope he misses me though..apart of me hopes i didn't ruin anything...i know when he was calling less and then i didn't hear from him for about 2 weeks i figured it was because it might be weird with the holidays and didnt think much of it..a few days after xmas i sent him a text just saying hey been wondering about you and no response...nye morning i left him a nice vmail just wishing him and his family a happy new year..i did it in the morning so it shows we don't need to speak at night or even at all..no response...

 

i really started to panick after that b/c I know for a fact he avoids these serious conversations about what's going on with emotions like the plague and things like that..so either he made up his mind completely or he needed time...i left him a long vmail a few days later in a very calm voice just saying can you please get back to me, i dont know what u are thinking or why i havent heard from you and that we have known each other a long time and thats why it hurts not knowing anything and can he please just let me know whats going on

 

fast forward a few texts we exchanged a few days later i finally got him on the phone and thats when he said he needs to square other things away right now and to put things on hold and he knows he should have called, it was just easier not to call. So i basically agreed to putting things on hold if this is even what he meant.

 

And then a week or so later is when i heard something bad about my job and we spoke on the phone for an hour or so and i dropped all the other issues..that was the last time we spoke.

 

So i have left him alone for over a month now

[rose45]

hey,

 

well i decided to call last night just to leave a casual stress free voicemail saying its me, just wanted to say hi and see how you were..i called a little bit before 10..no answer and no call back..i really wasn't expecting a call back that night but i am hoping he does atleast call me back..nothing to seem to end in the last convo..it was when i told him about my job and he said to let him know what happens but i also asked if he wants to call me etc..and the convo before that was him saying lets put it on hold and he isn't ready to say no, don't talk to me anymore, he just isn't ready... i am really hoping he doesn't blow me off and just ignore me. We spent months talking every few days and i was so happy and now its nothing, i dont get it...

 

i even asked him in the previous 2 convos you don't want to talk as often? and he said he didn't think we were talking often. So i assumed we would still continue those talks every few days but we havent.

 

All i wanted with all my heart was just to give this another chance for a little while.

 

i hope he atleast got the voicemail(probably paranoid thinking to say something went wrong and he didnt get it)

 

I don't regret leaving that vmail b/c i figured some time has passed and its like a breath of fresh air with all those emotional holidays being over(nye, valentines day)