Aaron1978 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I started dating a girl on a dating site almost a month ago. Its been the best person I've ever found, anywhere. Last night I got run over. Apparently, even as strongly as she feels for me, she has some feelings for an ex creeping back in. This has taken a complete 180 and I'm just not sure how to handle it. It would be easy to just drop it, especially after a month, but she feels different than everybody else I've ever dated. Now yesterday was the day after she told me this and our emails were very business like. Today they're back to the way they were before. I'm going over there tomorrow to talk about it, see where she's at, and figure out what to do. I also talked to her on the phone and I said how she sounded upbeat. She said to me she didn't really realize it. She said its good to talk to me. I also had her laughing a few times on a very short conversation. You know, usually I would just bail and say "forget it", but this one just seems different. You don't usually find somebody you share so many beliefs with and have so many things in common.
colosseum Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 At least she was honest. Make any progress yesterday? And how long was it since she and her ex broke up? Being a rebound can suck.
aerogurl87 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 At least she was honest. Make any progress yesterday? And how long was it since she and her ex broke up? Being a rebound can suck. I agree with colosseum. Be happy she was honest with you and being a rebound can definitely sick. As a word of caution from someone who is still in love with their ex and dating someone new, try to stay somewhat detached till your sure she's over her ex completely if you stick around. If she still loves him and he comes back to her, then there's a good chance you might be left heartbroken.
torranceshipman Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'd respect her honesty, be nice to her, but back off so she can see that you aren't just 'there' while she makes up her mind - let her see that you have too much respect for yourself to let yourself be walked on, whilst still being understanding of her feelings. Maybe say exactly how much you like her, but that obviously friendship is only an option right now. Make yourself a prize, as much as this ex is, by becoming somewhat unobtainable/putting uncertainty in her mind as to whether you'll stick around. She might just be wanting what she feels she can't have. And problems this early isnt a good thing!-maybe you'll get through the bump but don't just stick around as her boyfriend and hope for things to get better and for her to 'make her mind up' as that wont work. Its sexy to see a guy be strong and uncompromising in his values so if you be that guy I think it'll make you more attractive to her. If she is still wishy washy after the prospect of losing you, then better you know now. 1
BUENG1 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I started dating a girl on a dating site almost a month ago. Its been the best person I've ever found, anywhere. Last night I got run over. Apparently, even as strongly as she feels for me, she has some feelings for an ex creeping back in. This has taken a complete 180 and I'm just not sure how to handle it. It would be easy to just drop it, especially after a month, but she feels different than everybody else I've ever dated. Now yesterday was the day after she told me this and our emails were very business like. Today they're back to the way they were before. I'm going over there tomorrow to talk about it, see where she's at, and figure out what to do. I also talked to her on the phone and I said how she sounded upbeat. She said to me she didn't really realize it. She said its good to talk to me. I also had her laughing a few times on a very short conversation. You know, usually I would just bail and say "forget it", but this one just seems different. You don't usually find somebody you share so many beliefs with and have so many things in common. If you must keep dating her than don't be exclusive and date others. Obviously the best thing to do is to not date her at all.
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Well, its done for now. I can tell she still really likes me, but she's not over the other and looks like she wants to revisit that. Right now I hope she comes back, but I'll be realistic and assume she won't.
colosseum Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I'm sorry to hear it, but I think that was the right decision. You don't want to be her crutch--for your sake as well as her's. Try to not look back. Best of luck.
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I'm trying. You don't usually find someone who you have SO much in common with. I realize it was less than a month. Even when I went over there on Saturday she was constantly holding my hand, hugging me and kissing my cheek. I can tell she has strong feelings, but she just doesn't know.
make me believe Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You're definitely doing the right thing by backing off. It sucks when you meet someone you click with, but this is definitely a situation you do NOT want to get involved with. Plus, she sounds pretty selfish if she is stringing you along by telling you she still has feelings for her ex one moment and acting all lovey-dovey with you the next. That's not fair to you and it's not very respectful of your feelings. 1
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 She never did string me along. As much as I want to be angry about this I can't. She didn't do anything with the guy behind my back. The situation is just frustrating because of the feelings. Hopefully I just need time.
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I want so badly to contact her, but my head definitely keeps telling me not to. I want to respect her wishes and the fact that she wants to try things with this guy again, but I just can't get over that it was just too good between us. Any further thoughts?
aerogurl87 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I want so badly to contact her, but my head definitely keeps telling me not to. I want to respect her wishes and the fact that she wants to try things with this guy again, but I just can't get over that it was just too good between us. Any further thoughts? Don't contact her, let her contact you if and when (if ever) she's ready. If you contact her now, you'll only get hurt.
Simon Attwood Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I want so badly to contact her, but my head definitely keeps telling me not to. I want to respect her wishes and the fact that she wants to try things with this guy again, but I just can't get over that it was just too good between us. Any further thoughts? it's not your head that's telling you not to, it's a tiny part of your brain that sits on top of the brain stem I still have feelings for every ex I have ever had, no matter how the relationship broke up, and I believe that if I didn't, then the feelings that I had at the time, were not true.
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Don't contact her, let her contact you if and when (if ever) she's ready. If you contact her now, you'll only get hurt. I'm already hurt. I don't want anybody to think I'm mad at her either. She was very up front in telling me how she felt and that she wanted to go back and revisit because of the way she felt. I am just so zapped. I've lost weight and sleep. I gotta figure out how to get over this.
skydiveaddict Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I'm already hurt. I don't want anybody to think I'm mad at her either. She was very up front in telling me how she felt and that she wanted to go back and revisit because of the way she felt. I am just so zapped. I've lost weight and sleep. I gotta figure out how to get over this. I'm in the same boat my friend. hang in there
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 BTW, everybody has been very helpful on here. I had a moment of clarity a few minutes ago. Who knows, I could be back in the world of suck tomorrow.
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I'm already hurt. I don't want anybody to think I'm mad at her either. She was very up front in telling me how she felt and that she wanted to go back and revisit because of the way she felt. I am just so zapped. I've lost weight and sleep. I gotta figure out how to get over this. Time, my friend, is the only way to get over something like this. Find activities to keep you busy so she is not on your mind. Preferably social activities that involve meeting and interacting with new people. With any luck you will meet another woman whom will have the same connection with you as this one, and won't come with this "ex-bf" drama. We've all been there man. Hang in there.
D-Jam Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I think the biggest lesson to learn is NOT to get feelings for someone until the deal is sealed. I was notorious for making that mistake, and I am not saying for you to be cold. Just treat dating as more "flirty friendship" until you can see this person is really into you and wants to take it beyond "seeing" or "dating". In terms of this girl, I had a woman tell me once that her ex popped back into her life and she still had feelings for him. They didn't break up badly or anything in the past, but broke up because she moved away for a while. I made the mistake of hanging on, because she kept pushing and convincing me not to "give up on her". When I could initially see she wasn't as affectionate for me when she mentioned the ex, and even said how there was no spark with us, I was ready to politely and respectfully end things. I even told her it's obvious she wants this guy more than me, and we're just wasting time...but she kept pushing me to stay. A week later she cut contact with me. Just stopped answering the phone and never called me back. So I learned my lesson. I hear anything like that again and I walk. Same goes to the rest of you. If you see this new person has feelings for an ex, you're better off POLITELY backing off. Exes have the history and quicker compatibility. Most people who run back to the exes do it because it'll be an instant relationship...rather than the riggers of dating and getting to know one another. Granted most of the "going back to the ex" moves never work out, you're still better off not wasting your time. I know this girl who vanished went back to the ex, and then had the audacity to try calling me a year later. I could tell things didn't work out with said ex, but I didn't call her back.
Oh Moe Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I did something similar with a women I was with back about 6 years ago. She was wonderful but I had to cut if off, she had feelings for her ex husband and it was obvious. But we had a talk about it over time and I actually helped her get back with him. She's still married and we talk a few times per year and I even send her flowers on her birthday and she always contacts me with a very nice thank you. I as much as it hurt know it was the right thing to do and she is one of the few ex's i am happy for. Maybe the only one actually.LOL
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Strange twist. The entire time we were dating we talked on IM twice between the first and second date. She was never on IM other than that. This being the first week after not seeing each other she's been on almost nonstop. I don't know what to make of it. Its practically begging me to IM her!
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Don't contact her, let her contact you if and when (if ever) she's ready. If you contact her now, you'll only get hurt. ^speaks the truth my man!!!
ShamWoW Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Just tell her to picture her ex's face while you're pounding her. Support her and let her know that it's okay
Author Aaron1978 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Strange twist. The entire time we were dating we talked on IM twice between the first and second date. She was never on IM other than that. This being the first week after not seeing each other she's been on almost nonstop. I don't know what to make of it. Its practically begging me to IM her! Are there any thoughts on this. She also knows I only have one friend on YIM and its her and that she never uses it.
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Strange twist. The entire time we were dating we talked on IM twice between the first and second date. She was never on IM other than that. This being the first week after not seeing each other she's been on almost nonstop. I don't know what to make of it. Its practically begging me to IM her! Get off IM so there is no temptation. She may be the only "friend" you have on it, but I seriously doubt you are her only "friend" on it. Seriously man, be strong and move on. I've been in your shoes before, in fact quite recently, and while it's painful now, you will meet someone better eventually.
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