rose45 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 my ex and i were together for over a couple of years and broke up over a year ago but noone did anything so wrong..no cheating or anything..just arguments over silly things; trivial stuff..maybe we needed time apart. i contacted him a year later leaving a v-mail and he called me back a few minutes later and i explained my regrets immediately and he said he can't jump back into this which I understood. We can't rush back into being together. He also said there are financial things going on stressing him out and also how he feels closed off right now. He said we would exchange calls and then meet. We have been talking for a few months about twice a week. And just from knowing him I can tell he isn't the type to run back; like it wouldn't be a switch for him to just jump back immediately and it would be a long process. Its also going to be really awkward when we do see each other. I don't think he ever got back with an ex; i think anything to do with emotions and tough situations he tries to ignore. He also does seem like he isn't happy with the way things in his life are going (unless he is bs'ing me). He says with the mortgage he is paying for a family member's house he has negative income coming in and that he also might have to give up his apartment. He also said he thinks his job will be making rounds of layoffs and he would eventually be affected. He also said if he gave up his apartment (and I live at home but actually might be moving out soon but i didn't tell him that just yet.) he said where are we going to go; what are we going to do? you need money to do some things etc. I said its not a reason to not see someone. You work around it. He said it doesn't feel right to him right now to see each other. He said he can't erase the negative things or red flags that happened before so quickly etc (noone cheated or anything; it was just petty arguments that should have been avoided) He said at the very least just put things on hold and that he needs to square other things away first and that he just isn't in that mindset right now to be in a relationship and to basically give it more time for him to think about it. I asked him directly do you want me to go away and is this a done deal? and he said he isn't ready to say ok don't talk to me anymore. And I asked so you don't even know if you want to see me in a few months? and he said well it would have to be within a few months or so and that he can't expect me to wait 5 years for a phone call and i told him no i can't do that. I also pointed out it seems like you are turning down the idea without even trying and he said what we have been doing now is trying but he just isn't ready right now and that he sort of got used to the way things are right now. I asked what are you so afraid of? and he said that it seems whatever he takes a chance on turns to crap. And he said he knows what will happen when we do see each other; it will just be more and more--whatever that means--becoming attached again? I sort of agreed to put things on hold by saying ok so you will call me? He said he would call during the week. He said he doesnt doubt that i have been trying very hard and he knows i have good intentions. Should I leave the door open for the possibility and just be casual on the phone from now on with no serious talk or questions about meeting for awhile and see what unfolds? In the meantime, I am on dating sites open to meeting other people and I am not going to stop living but on the inside I am hoping he comes around. I don't want to regret anything by closing this chapter so fast b/c if i said ok just call me when you are ready or its all or nothing right now--it would just be nothing. I know his personality and he will not like a statement like that. A close guy friend said don't say that to someone anyways..all or nothing. He said just kind of hope for the best but do your own thing as well. I am willing to give it him because I still care very much. My friend said if i want to try to give this a shot keep him at the backburner and atleast date right now lol
dreamer84 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 as i say do you...keep up with him, if you guys are on speaking terms, like you said casual, every so often, he has a lot on his plate right, now so i wouldn't be trying to rush back into it either...think about it, you shouldnt be worrying about finding love when you have no whree to live. His ego could be low cause it seems he cannot be a provider at this point and time, and i know its not he will have to take care of you but in a relationship who doesn't want to take care of the one they love if they need it or just cause? (unless they are just users). He needs to focus on himself and you can be there to check up on him, meanwhile date around and just have fun. dating others doesnt mean its marriage to them.
Author rose45 Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 thank you so much for your response! I am thinking of telling him i might be moving out so atleast he knows that is a possibe option of us being together without spending so much money. Not meaning its whats preventing us from getting back; i know its other reasons but just for him to know we both wouldn't be stuck home with parents. Is that a bad idea? I hope it shows I am interested for true reasons. I said i wasn't looking for us to spend all this money just to spend some time together. I even asked what did you do before your apartment when you had that serious relationship? and he said hotels and even that got pricey. The negative side of course goes to the fact that maybe he knows for sure he isn't going to see(but i dont get why he wouldn't just tell me b/c it would make things alot easier than having another one of these convos again) or maybe he is seeing if someone better comes along or something...but the other part thinks he might just be being honest with what he says and just isn't in the mindset for a relationship with everything else going and meant it when he said to just put things on hold and it doesnt feel right right now..i feel like some part of him is open to this a tiny bit even if he is closed off otherwise we wouldn't be doing this npw. Just hope I didn't ruin this completely with him saying i can't erase the negative things---he knows i loved him alot and probably knows i still do but i think it was my first time around in a serious relationship so everything was sort of new to me and i think reacted wrong to alot of situations etc. I definitely know what i would do different. Just hope he comes around b/c i really want this chance with him and i am so scared of screwing this up right now. he even said these conversations about this stresses him out. He hates having them even if its needed. I needed to know where i stood but i hope b/c of that he doesnt think nothing changed or something
dreamer84 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 if you want to him you're moving just as matter of factly should be ok, but no its not even about the money, its just period, he can't be in a relationship if he can't take care of himself. and no offense but you are probably the last thing on his mind, i know for me, if im about to be laid off, i don't care of my fantasy woman came along, i need to get me together first. though its not about money, relationships do cost, I didnt spend much on my ex, but i still wound up broke just by taking her to McDs once every two months. The whole point of using extra gas to go see her, or drop her off...etc, just little things add up, and you would want to cut all unnecessary cost as possible. Don't make him a priority, you are an option right now, and its not that you're not worth it but im just thinking baout the housing and possible job loss part alone, that is apriority. you keep your options open, have fun, keep up with him...he could also be confused and/or hurt to want to get back with you, the fact he said he can't forget the red flags, is a sign of fear. Could be testing how you act while he is under fire to see if you changed, because if he didnt want to be with you (imo i could be wrong) he would tell you, no confusion, or fears, just no. i dont want ot be with you. glad i could be of some help
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