dangerously-in-love Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Hello I could really do with some advice. Bit of background: I'm in my mid 20's and he's in his 50's. He's divorced with 2 grown kids. We've been together abt 3 years. Initially we both were'nt looking for anything serious just a bit of fun but in time we grew real close and it became a serious relationship. Sometime beginning of last year, I was using his laptop and he'd left himself signed on yahoo messenger and me being the inquisitive person I am, I accessed his email and found he'd been emailing another woman and she'd sent him naked pics of herself. I immediately spoke to him abt this and he denied it and said it wasn't his account and that his son had probably been using his laptop. I kind of let it go and we continued as normal. Then just after christmas I discovered a piece of scribbled paper in his laptop bag with a woman's email address with a sexual description. It obviously set me off and at first I wanted to confront him straight away but knew he'd probably come up with something. I managed to access one of his email addresses after a couple of guesses of his password and now a part of me wishes I hadn't. I discovered he's been emailing women dating back to a few months when we'd just started going out. And it's not even dating sites it's those site where people meet for casual sex etc PLUS he's responded to escort ads!The dates of the emails to all the different women are scattered, some in 2007- which I can kind of forgive cause we'd just met and like i said at the time we were not really looking for something serious. Then the next emails are in late 2008, then mid 2009 and more recently this month with the most recent being today!!! At first I started of crying when I read the emails but in the end I was actually laughing because I just don't know what to feel. I'm angry, confused, feel used I just don't know. I mean there's never really been anything to make suspicious, he travels a lot with his job so we only see each other about 3/4 times a week at the most but like I say everything seemed great. None of the emails I read actually confirmed he'd definitly met up with someone, but like arranging meeting up - but obviosuly there's mobile phones so maybe that's where the further communication is. I don't know how to approach him with this. Do I write him an email/letter or do I say it face to face? I feel bad in a way reading his emails but what he's doing is even worse. It's hard to just say I'll leave him because i really love him (or did) with all my heart and everything just seemed so perfect. I just don't know. He's away with work at the moment so I propbably wont see him till mid next week. Should I wait till I see him before saying anything or do I do it now? Sorry for the long post, I just don't know what to do!
Author dangerously-in-love Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 If he's cheating on you, then dump him. Yeah that's my intention but first I need to know why he's done this or else my mind wont be ease plus its just hard after being with someone for so long thinking everything was good when it obviously wasn't. I've typed out quite a long email but my friend said not to send it, instead I should wait till I see him and speak to him face to face.
cuppa Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 you don't need to confront him, just leave him. He's in his 50s, he's not going to change. Obviously, he's not looking anything serious at this point, probably even with you. Many men are like that esp after they go through with marriages, divorces with grown up kids. You are young, stop wasting your time and start over.
Author dangerously-in-love Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 you don't need to confront him, just leave him. He's in his 50s, he's not going to change. Obviously, he's not looking anything serious at this point, probably even with you. Many men are like that esp after they go through with marriages, divorces with grown up kids. You are young, stop wasting your time and start over. Fair enough if he didn't want what started off to develop into a serious relationship but he shouldn't have led me on and make me look so stupid. And besides that I'm getting really paranoid about STD's and stuff, I've not had any symptoms down there to suggest I may have something but I shall definitly be going to the GUM clinic asap. I've always been into older men, I'm just not attarcted to younger men around my age.. I'm just someone who is so sensitive and I just don't know how I feel right now:(. I definatly need to speak to him or else I won't move on.
temple Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Yeah that's my intention but first I need to know why he's done this or else my mind wont be ease plus its just hard after being with someone for so long thinking everything was good when it obviously wasn't. I've typed out quite a long email but my friend said not to send it, instead I should wait till I see him and speak to him face to face. I'm very sorry that you're hurting. But if you're worried that he's lying to you about something, he probably won't tell you the truth anyway. How could you ever be sure? The faster you can get out of his head trying to find what makes him tick, the faster you can move on.
dazzle22 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I wouldn't hold my breath looking for honest closure on this one. After all, it was his "son" hijacking his email the first time...I personally would not wait for him to insult my intelligence that way again..
You'reasian Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Hello I could really do with some advice. Bit of background: I don't know how to approach him with this. Do I write him an email/letter or do I say it face to face? I feel bad in a way reading his emails but what he's doing is even worse. It's hard to just say I'll leave him because i really love him (or did) with all my heart and everything just seemed so perfect. I just don't know. He's away with work at the moment so I propbably wont see him till mid next week. Should I wait till I see him before saying anything or do I do it now? Sorry for the long post, I just don't know what to do! Face to face is best.
RedDevil66 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 If it looks like a snake and crawls like a snake, it's a snake! In his 50's and still hunting. He will never change. One of two things, he's either a sex addict or has some other mental issues. an FYI, it's not normal to be having that much activity on line with other women whether he is single or not. My ex from years ago was doing this as well. Turns out, he lived an entire double life and was a sociopath. It's impossible to tell who is sociopathic unless you keep snooping. I know you're hurting. I feel your pain. But you need to not think this is nothing. This is something and yes, confront him face to face with the emails. He will lie through his teeth and tell you you're over reacting and that it was nothing
forelise Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Also, have you ever thought of this? You say that the relationship began as just having fun, and then it turned into something more. Maybe, to him, it didn't seem like that as much as it did to you. Maybe he didn't feel as if it really got that much more serious. Maybe it only felt like that to you... considering he was the one going on all these sites and flinging around with other women. Perhaps not... I don't know how your relationship was. However, I went through a breakup from a "serious relationship." And now I see how my ex acts when he's not trying to impress me and act "mature" for me. Now he's not putting on a show anymore, and it turns out he is extremely annoying and immature. When I first noticed this my jaw dropped because I thought he was so mature and we were so "serious." Turns out he didn't think of it the same way as I did... certain men are very good at making women feel as if we're "so in love" and they're "so mature," when really some are very simple minded and immature. I'm just bringing up that it's possible it may not have seemed as serious to him as it did for you, and like many others said, after he's divorced etc., he's done. I agree with many others who say you need to move on. As for confronting him, you must understand that if you don't do it now, DON'T do it later after you end it! Biggest mistake I made. I opened communication back up and we started talking about it, but then it led to more "communication" and we ended up in a hot mess. If you're going to confront him, get it over with, and then be done with him! Sorry this happened to you, and best of luck Edited January 11, 2010 by forelise *
torranceshipman Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Just leave him, don't worry about how you do it - don't listen to his stupid excuses or lines - just walk away. He is a major dirty dog and has already completely wasted your time so don't waste any more time wondering how to end it. Actualy a quick text saying 'I've seen you've been trawling sex sites for months, including this morning; this is over because you're a dog. Thanks, good luck for the future but don't ever contact me again'. I feel that an unceremonious 'dump by text' is quite appropriate for this man
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