It is time to go

[just_some_guy]

I've hit the point where I know it is time to end this marriage. We've only been married for 5 years, are middle-aged and there are no children, nor any possibility. I care about her, but the relationship has been at a state where my needs are not being met for over a year and I can't ignore it anymore. It all stems from a weight problem that has gotten to severe levels. Over the summer, we took her dream vacation to Europe. She could not get around well on her own. At least twice, I was frightened that she was in immediate danger of dying due to the heat and her weight. I laid down at that point that some things had to change. Since then, I've been totally walled in and completely disconnected. It was an unhappy situation before, but that was the end for me. The only thing that keeps me here is a sense of duty and concern. But I can't live on that alone.

 

Honestly, overweight doesn't bother me, but it has reached the level of self destruction, not just a weight problem. I just can't bear to watch her kill herself a spoonful at a time. Clearly, this comes out of emotional issues growing up, I want to be there and support her, but just can't do it anymore.

 

Thing is, once we got back, nothing changed, it was like nothing happened. I guess sensing my deep dissatisfaction and withdrawal, she began to buy me bribe gifts and last month, decided that she would look into a gastric bypass. She's been going through the process to get the surgery done. She needs it, or some other serious program to save her life.

 

Thing is, I'm tired. I just can't handle it anymore and I just don't have the emotional energy to do it anymore and see her through this. Makes me feel like a complete selfish prick and a failure for feeling this way, but I have to be honest with myself.

 

I need to get up the strength to end this and move on.

[trippi1432]

I've hit the point where I know it is time to end this marriage. We've only been married for 5 years, are middle-aged and there are no children, nor any possibility. I care about her, but the relationship has been at a state where my needs are not being met for over a year and I can't ignore it anymore. It all stems from a weight problem that has gotten to severe levels. Over the summer, we took her dream vacation to Europe. She could not get around well on her own. At least twice, I was frightened that she was in immediate danger of dying due to the heat and her weight. I laid down at that point that some things had to change. Since then, I've been totally walled in and completely disconnected. It was an unhappy situation before, but that was the end for me. The only thing that keeps me here is a sense of duty and concern. But I can't live on that alone.

 

Honestly, overweight doesn't bother me, but it has reached the level of self destruction, not just a weight problem. I just can't bear to watch her kill herself a spoonful at a time. Clearly, this comes out of emotional issues growing up, I want to be there and support her, but just can't do it anymore.

 

Thing is, once we got back, nothing changed, it was like nothing happened. I guess sensing my deep dissatisfaction and withdrawal, she began to buy me bribe gifts and last month, decided that she would look into a gastric bypass. She's been going through the process to get the surgery done. She needs it, or some other serious program to save her life.

 

Thing is, I'm tired. I just can't handle it anymore and I just don't have the emotional energy to do it anymore and see her through this. Makes me feel like a complete selfish prick and a failure for feeling this way, but I have to be honest with myself.

 

I need to get up the strength to end this and move on.

 

Sorry, had to comment on this...probably shouldn't..but..here goes...

 

I had a surgery back in July for Acid Reflux...had been on medication for 10 years due to the loss of my voice (for those who know me on LS, I would rather gain a few pounds than lose my singing voice for personal reasons). This medication reduces the acidic levels of the digestive system...it DOES NOT stop acid reflux, it only reduces the acidic levels of the reflux so you don't know it's happening.

 

Eventually, this medication does induce weight gain..if your wife is on it, she may want to look into the Nissen Fundoplication surgery instead of a gastric bypass....while similar, the Nissen process actually cures acid reflux as well as a weight problem. I've lost 45 lbs since July and it's just from the surgery itself. BTW - my ex left me 9 days after the surgery....and I couldn't thank him more...new lease on life. Good luck to your wife.

Edited January 9, 2010 by trippi1432

[LisaUk]

Yeah, I probably shouldn't comment on this either, I don't think the OP is here looking for help rather justifications, but here goes as well...

 

Tell me, what would you do if you and your w had to face the birth of a disabled child or cancer or any number of other things that are called LIFE? Truely, I don't think I have ever come across anyone more self obsessed. Life is hard, marriage is hard, both throw things at you that are tough and the measure of the person is how they choose to deal with it.

 

Good luck to your wife, I hope she finds happiness.

 

I've hit the point where I know it is time to end this marriage. Sounds like you think there should be more than one in a lifetime. That speaks volumes.

 

Thing is, I'm tired. I just can't handle it anymore and I just don't have the emotional energy to do it anymore and see her through this. Makes me feel like a complete selfish prick and a failure for feeling this way, What can I say? I don't disagree.

 

I need to get up the strength to end this and move on.Oh, I think you have the strength and the level of selfishness you need already. [/QUOTE]

[just_some_guy]

The difference is that this is a self-inflicted and self-destructive behavior. It is no different than being married to an alcoholic or heroin addict.

 

How long would you stick around to watch a woman destroy herself with a needle?

 

How is this any different?

 

There are no underlying mystery medical causes. She is eating herself to death in front of my eyes. Her food habits are atrocious. Her BMI has reached 60. There are health complications. She cannot walk up or down a short flight of stairs. She cannot walk short distances or participate in even light physical activity. The snoring and apnea are so bad that it is impossible to sleep in the same room with her. Despite showering daily, her personal hygiene is not as good as it should be, no doubt due to not being able to reach herself. Sex is non-existent and the desire is gone.

 

This is not just a bit overweight, this is life-threatening, medically-defined malignant obesity.

 

Emotionally, I feel this is a wall that she is putting up to block me and everyone else from connecting to her.

 

I've begged, I've pleaded, I've tried to set the example, I've talked about my feelings. I've been blown off, or reacted to with half-hearted attempts, followed by ever increasing weight gain. The only thing that has gotten any serious reaction is the possibility of ending the marriage.

 

The attitude I'm getting on the gastric bypass is "look what you're making me do!" I did NOT tell her to do it, but I clearly understand it is entirely medically indicated. I think a 12-step program would do her the most good of all, combined with medical supervision.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't care if it was just overweight. But when it becomes disabling and clearly and utterly self-destructive, that is a different matter entirely.

 

For me, this is no way to live. Is it selfish to want a partner who takes care of herself? Who can participate as a partner in life activities? Who can satisfy my physical needs? Or is it self-preservation to recognize that I have emotional and physical needs that are being denied in this marriage?

 

Not a day goes by that I don't leave the house thinking "I have to get out of here" and I dread leaving work and going home in the evening.

[LisaUk]

For better for WORSE.

 

Your wife is doing something about it, she is trying to get help. How would you feel if this was the other way around? How would you feel if you had an eating disorder, b/c that is what obesity is, this isn't a choice on your wifes part, she needs help. You compared it to alcholism and addition and you're right. You say you have tried, how? It sounds like you have spent the last year emotionaly detaching, what have you done to help your wife? I don't mean setting an example, I mean what have you done to help your wife emotionally, b/c this is an emotional problem. Have you suggested counselling, made her an appointment, gone with her etc. Has it crossed your mind that maybe what is happeneing re your marriage and the way you are threatening to leave your wife has not helped with her over eating?

 

I do appreciate this is difficult, but I do believe you should try everything before leaving.

[scatterd]

Hi some people over eat because of depression some dont because of the same thing.hounding the person and no support can make it worse.i would be so hurt if i had the problem and my husband left.she is still the same person she needs some kind of help i

would have her talk to someone and join a program like weight watchers.once she can shrink her stomach it will be easier.if you love her stay and help.good luck:)

[just_some_guy]

I have tried everything. That's what I'm trying to get across. This is going on for years now, without relief. My shutting down and isolating came about after a refusal to do anymore about it.

 

Good lord, I've been to more Weight Watcher meetings with her and paid for unused gym memberships and exercise machines, counseling sessions that didn't go anywhere and so on. She orders Nutra-System and I wind up eating it after it sits in the pantry. I was buying first class airline tickets because she won't fit in coach seats and now she can't fit in first class either.

 

I am AT THE END of my rope.

 

Sometimes I find myself wishing she would just have the heart attack she is working so hard on and get it over with already. That's so unhealthy thinking and if there isn't a clearer sign that it is over, I don't know of one.

 

Then there are the guilt trips. She rarely leaves the house. If I decide to get out and do something besides sit around and watch QVC, she tries to make me feel guilty. "Are you leaving?" "Yes, I would like to get out of the house." "Oh, I thought we could do something together." "Ok, what would you like to do?" "I don't know" Then if I bite, we sit around waiting for her to decide or get dressed and the day is shot. If I leave, then there is the "you are abandoning me" guilt trip put down. If anything, I'm the one who has been abandoned.

 

I am not her shrink or therapist. I can't fix her.

Edited January 9, 2010 by just_some_guy

[LisaUk]

You mentionned her childhood, what was it like? What is her self esteem like? DOes she never feel accepted for who she is?

 

Just a guy, losing weight is hard, very hard, espically when you have a lot to lose, it's a mountain to climb. I know b/c although I was not the size your wife is, in 2008/2009 I lost 84lbs on weight watchers, I'm now a size 6. It can be done, but it's difficult to see that when you are where your wife is right now, to her it feels like a never ending battle, 2lbs a week seems so slow and it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and support to be able to keep it up. The reality is there is no quick fix. Have you tried telling her that you love her the way she is but you are worried she is going to kill herself, or have you only said that it effects you b/c you two can't do things together any more? How have you approached this? I'm asking b/c I really want to try and help if I can.

[carhill]

OP, I can sympathize. I know that loneliness well. It tugs at your elbow.

 

Try this: Schedule yourself for a session of IC to help you cope with this issue. If W asks you where you're going, be honest, both about what you want and how you feel. Then go. Ignore any attempts of manipulation, gaslighting or guilting. Doing so helps your psyche to recover in a healthy way. Deal with the issue directly.

 

Whether you stay or go, it's a process. IMO, the key is to be proactive rather than reactive. Take control of *your* life. What happens will happen. How you deal with it is up to you. Best wishes

[just_some_guy]

Yeah, I need to see some kind of counselor to help me sort this out. Not sure how to set that up, but clearly, that's my next step.

 

It is my second marriage. The first ended badly, following a miscarriage and her subsequent substance abuse problems. Tried to make that work and paid the price for it.

 

My fault for getting involved with another addictive personality. Didn't seem that way at first, but wound up there.

[mark982]

op, i can relate about all the excerise equipment,memberships,etc. my wifes the exact same way. always a excuse. you got to live YOUR life for yourself,don't let anyone quilt trip you.

[RedDevil66]

The difference is that this is a self-inflicted and self-destructive behavior. It is no different than being married to an alcoholic or heroin addict.

 

.

 

You hit the nail on the head.

My BF is an alcoholic. He's been in recovery for 18 months and I can tell you this, being with him has been pure hell.

I love him and care for him deeply, but his addictions have places many burdens on me and his family.

He's sick. It doesn't make him bad or worth being left.

I actually did leave him a few times because of his outbursts but always came back.

But then I tried to love unconditionally and understand his illness.

I joined Al anon and see an addiction therapist.

And he's not even my husband!

 

You need to get some help for yourself. You CANNOT change your wife and watching her kill herself is TORTURE! I get that.

All you can do is change and she will either follow suit or not. At that point is when you leave.

 

Food addictions stem from the same pains as any other addictions. We all have ways to fill our voids.

 

If you love and respect yourself and your wife, please get some therapy with a codependency therapist to work on what you can do for you.

 

I feel your pain

Edited January 10, 2010 by RedDevil66

[RedDevil66]

Yeah, I need to see some kind of counselor to help me sort this out. Not sure how to set that up, but clearly, that's my next step.

 

It is my second marriage. The first ended badly, following a miscarriage and her subsequent substance abuse problems. Tried to make that work and paid the price for it.

 

My fault for getting involved with another addictive personality. Didn't seem that way at first, but wound up there.

 

and until you get help for your codependency, you will always attract/enable another addict.

 

Nothing changes, if nothing changes

[SimplyBeingLoved]

BMI of 60? That's extremely serious.

 

I concur your wife is a food addict. And, addiction is a "justifiable" reason to exit a marriage.

 

Of course, you don't need any reason or justification. There are no universal rules for entering or exiting a marriage. People are going to do what they are going to do. Sometimes, you just know what the outcome will be, regardless, which makes "trying everything" a bit pointless.

 

But, back to your situation. That's serious. And, I wouldn't judge you for leaving.

[trippi1432]

BMI of 60? That's extremely serious.

 

I concur your wife is a food addict. And, addiction is a "justifiable" reason to exit a marriage.

 

Of course, you don't need any reason or justification. There are no universal rules for entering or exiting a marriage. People are going to do what they are going to do. Sometimes, you just know what the outcome will be, regardless, which makes "trying everything" a bit pointless.

 

But, back to your situation. That's serious. And, I wouldn't judge you for leaving.

 

Wow!! I totally agree with what you have posted here Simply....Life is simply too short to live in it unhappy....you have to find your happiness somewhere else...makes perfect sense. (Now I know why my ex said these things to me.)

 

On the other hand....I always hoped that my ex would be in the floor having a heart attack so I could hold the phone 12 inches out of reach of his fingertips while I laughingly tell him "Remember the time you left me at the hospital 7 months pregnant with your child, in extreme pain, and you wanted me to call you when they finished with me...After all, you didnt' want to be bothered since it was YOUR day to sleep in!!!. Call 911 yourself, you putz."

 

What marriage lacks today is empathy, and I have seen a whole lot of that lately on these threads. Time to grow up people!!! I often wonder how marriages survived during the Great Depression. If today's issues are the cause (selfishness on both parties), then how does your marriage survive it? We are NOT talking about arranged marriages or cultural bias, we are talking about vows. I'm sorry...it probably is time to move on so she can find a better life...hopefully somewhere down the road, you will find someone who will not hate you for putting them thru the stress...that is the person who will hand you the phone. If I were you wife...I probably wouldn't.

 

Put the shoe on the other foot Some_Guy....there you find your answer.

[stillafool]

OP I can only imagine how your sex life with your wife must be. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I've hit the point where I know it is time to end this marriage. We've only been married for 5 years, are middle-aged and there are no children, nor any possibility. I care about her, but the relationship has been at a state where my needs are not being met for over a year and I can't ignore it anymore. It all stems from a weight problem that has gotten to severe levels. Over the summer, we took her dream vacation to Europe. She could not get around well on her own. At least twice, I was frightened that she was in immediate danger of dying due to the heat and her weight. I laid down at that point that some things had to change. Since then, I've been totally walled in and completely disconnected. It was an unhappy situation before, but that was the end for me. The only thing that keeps me here is a sense of duty and concern. But I can't live on that alone.

 

Honestly, overweight doesn't bother me, but it has reached the level of self destruction, not just a weight problem. I just can't bear to watch her kill herself a spoonful at a time. Clearly, this comes out of emotional issues growing up, I want to be there and support her, but just can't do it anymore.

 

Thing is, once we got back, nothing changed, it was like nothing happened. I guess sensing my deep dissatisfaction and withdrawal, she began to buy me bribe gifts and last month, decided that she would look into a gastric bypass. She's been going through the process to get the surgery done. She needs it, or some other serious program to save her life.

 

Thing is, I'm tired. I just can't handle it anymore and I just don't have the emotional energy to do it anymore and see her through this. Makes me feel like a complete selfish prick and a failure for feeling this way, but I have to be honest with myself.

 

I need to get up the strength to end this and move on.

 

WTF how much does she weigh, how tall is she? You make her sound like jabba the hut or something. Surely she wasnt always this big?

[stillafool]

WTF how much does she weigh, how tall is she? You make her sound like jabba the hut or something. Surely she wasnt always this big?

 

 

:lmao:Oh Chrome!

[just_some_guy]

WTF how much does she weigh, how tall is she? You make her sound like jabba the hut or something. Surely she wasnt always this big?

 

5'6", 368 lbs. BMI = 60.

 

No, she wasn't always this big.

[Chrome Barracuda]

5'6", 368 lbs. BMI = 60.

 

No, she wasn't always this big.

 

Yeah 368 pounds is very overweight. But I heard that women have a hard time loosing it then men.

 

Why dont you head down to GNC or rite aid and get her that supplumental medicine designed for females that need to lose weight?

 

Or just pay for a tummy tuck and lipo? Instead of beratng her about it. why dont you help her fx it? Plain and simple tell her you are seriously overweight and I'm concerned with your health problems. They need to be fixed right away. I'm gonna do everything in my power for you to slim down for your benefit and our families benefit.

 

Is that so hard?