2sunny Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 ok, so it is obvious you have thoroughly thought all of several scenarios through... the one which didn't come up is - what if the OW moved? either way they could potentially still communicate as you said... what i want to ask and what hasn't been addressed in detail is: what is your H doing specifically (action) to repair the damage he's done? is he transparent and honest in all his daily activities, conversations, communications through each day? allowing you to understand if and when he comes across his OW and/or ANY and ALL forms of dealing with her and what exactly that looks like? or is he still secretive and closed mouthed about that part of his life? IF he's not willing to tell you the truth - and i mean anything/everything - we can assume there is something he's still hiding or trying to hide. what are his actions telling you that his words aren't? is he willing to do anything to set this right for you? or is he still acting selfishly and worrying about himself or his OW?
Author StillFighting Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 I am not going to lie and say that he has sat me down and come clean with every single detail of their affair or every conversation they have ever had. Right now, it does take a "hey, did you talk to her today?' to get the conversation started sometimes. But he is getting better about opening up on his own. We did have a conversation about what details I want to know. I gave him the situations. IE; I do not need to know how many times they pass each other in the hall. I DO need to know if a bunch of people go out to work together and she is one of them. I do not need to know if she stops by his office to get a form signed. I DO need to know if she stays there alone and they have a conversation. etc. He is doing really well. Especially if you knew how very uncomfortable he is with a)confrontation and b)communication. A few examples: 1. He checks in non-stop. Almost to a point where it is irritating, in a funny way. Do I really need to know when he is entering and leaving the library or the bank at every instance, no. But I appreciate that he is doing it for me. 2. He used to get VERY defensive if I asked him about any detail of the affair, if I asked him about their communication at work, etc. Now, he looks me in the eye...offers the information and the answers for which I have asked...as many times as I ask them and does not complain. I have actually tested him by putting him in really awkward situations...and he has manned up and been honest. 3. Little things around the house have started coming back. Notes during the day, random bits of affection, hugs. We have started having fun together again...playfully wrestling around the house, going on dates. 4. He agreed to let me meet her, on my terms. I know that was an awful situation for all of us. But he knew I needed it, and he set his own discomfort aside so I could. 5. He independently went out of his way to apologize to my family for hurting me and them. I cannot imagine how uncomfortable this was for him (I was not there). He had to put himself in a vulnerable situation and open himself to whatever they had to say to him. 5. For the first time in our relationship, he is able to open up to me about how he feels. It is hard for him. It takes lots of patience and probing on my part to get to the heart of the emotions...but he is doing it. 6. He is willingly going to counselling twice a week...I mean really...who wants to go to counselling twice a week on top of work and family and hobbies and sleep?? Do I think I know everything about the affair? Absolutely not. I am sure there are plenty of details concerning their relationship of which I am unaware. I have taken the road that there are some major details I NEED to know and many smaller ones that I don't. In counselling we are working on getting through those need to know details. Is everyday perfect? Absolutely not. We are both going to make plenty of mistakes in this process. Yeah, there have been times where it took him a day or two to tell me about a meeting at work or an awkward situation in a hallway or whatever the case may be. But the point is, he is telling me! This is huge for him. I would rather wait two days for the truth at this point then several months. There are days yeah, where he does think only about himself, he gets ticked off that he has to explain his every move to me, he says or does something stupid or insensitive, but rather than getting angry, storming off and making the situation worse...he has started right away telling me, "just so you know, I am doing this because I love you...but it really sucks". In the past, it would have pissed him off, he would just not have done it. He would have avoided it. Or he may have gone off and retaliated to get even. He is trying and I can see how hard it is for him...but I honestly believe he wants this marriage to work. I know he has seen a lot in himself that he wants to improve too and he is trying to do both concurrently, so I give him credit. I am not a perfect human by any means and am working on myself too. Hell, there are days where I take a few steps back by getting pissy and making sarcastic comments about the OW. Or something triggers a painful feeling and I take it out on him by being rude or ignoring him rather than just owning up to my own emotions. But I am doing better about saying, "hey what you said really hurt." or "you are being really selfish right now" or "listen, this song just reminded me of our situation and it upset me." And we talk about it then and there rather than letting it fester or not bothering to deal with it at all, hoping it will go away. We both have a lot of work to do. But, we are doing it...and together. I hope that answers some questions. Sorry...I am always so long winded.
Jeff1962 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Ya know, there is quite a bit that I will put up with but a cheating spouse is not one of them.
on1wheel Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I was on the other side; W had a PA for 2 mths b4 I caught her. It started as a EA; they all do. You should "cut & go", as if he really loved you he'd have NC. What he is doing right now is deciding who he wants more...I promise you that's what he's doing. You are better than this; find someone that feels the same way as you do. I wish you well.
linwood Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 SF, You`re doing well. You`re both sincerely trying so all it will take is time. If you both keep sincerely trying you`ll have plenty of time. Good Luck!
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 It's obvious to me you know what you are doing. You are entitled to your choices and decisions. I, for one, think that you are making all the right moves... It sounds as if he is on the right path too. There was a time not so long ago when we did not even define such a thing as an 'emotional affair.' There were no websites and no books published about the subject and little to no awareness... Back then, what occurred between your husband and the OW might not have even been considered taboo until they took it further... Today we understand the EA and it makes total sense to us, if allowed to continue, it is, very simply put, a precursor to the PA... I believe it will be much easier for you to repair your marriage and heal your heart than if there was a physical aspect to the affair. There is a good chance that it'll bring you closer together, and even prevent the possibility of a physical affair (with anyone else) in the future as your husband will be much more aware of the emotions and feelings much earlier than in the past. I would hope that he will know to avoid the situations that potentially allow for emotional connection, and even if the situation arises, he will know to stop in his tracks and make a u-turn before he does anything that could potentially hurt you again. Good Luck!
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