I ended it tonight

[pureinheart]

Thanks to everyone for your replies to my situation (posted over two threads), especially to those who actually put some thought into them and didn't make assumptions. And as to the others...water off a duck's back...

 

As of right now, the A is over, and nothing more will happen unless they divorce. I'm giving him his space, because this isn't only about me and my feelings. If things change I'll post an update for those who took the time to care about this newbie's dilemma. It was greatly appreciated.

 

Pureinheart, I'll PM you as soon as it's available, if that's okay

 

I would love to hear from you in PM also.....I can soooo feel you, sorry I had a glass of wine and am a lightweight ...lol, so I hope this sounds right....I went back to NC also and it hurts so bad....I've believed time after time and nothing changes....nothing but carrots being dangled in front of me.

 

Some say...."well tough love hurts but it needs to said, no candy coating"....hey I have heard and had enough "tough love" to sink 5000 ships....people need love and compassion, period....we all know the truth and yes it does need to be repeated at times, although REPEATED IN LOVE WITH COMPASSION.....tough love minus the love is killing people literally.

 

People are commiting suicide left and right out there because they have no hope, no love, no one to tell them they are worth something and it breaks my heart. I don't care what a person has done or thinks they have done...I am throwing down my stones and will ask that I never throw another stone again.

 

People will die without love, it has been proven....I choose to love my enemies, everyone....it doesnot mean that i have to communicate with those that have made themselves my enemies, although I can love them from afar...oh....lol...and I will stick up and defend myself....lol

 

Austen, our NC will do us well, it will be hard, although I have good feelings about it! Please PM me when you are able ....I love you Austen!

[pureinheart]

Oh and hey....just want to tell you about my little dog Crystle....she is I think 12....she has been through everything with me. It gets real hot in the summers here and I was putting rock and large walk stones in my yard....day after day she stayed out there with me in that heat to look after me, to be with me.

 

She knows how bad I hurt and watches out for me all of the time, she looks after me, which is more than I can say for most people in my life.

 

This is what loyalty is, granted, humans for obvious reasons can't be quite like this, although you know what I'm getting at...

 

Austen, thank you for helping me....you did more than you know!

[Meaplus3]

WOW! That is just so wrong of this so called friend to tell mm's wife. She has no business doing that.. and I think it's fair to say this is NOT a true friend. Now, since the cat is out of the bag so to speak. I think your only option at this point if confronted by mm's wife, is to tell the truth and rid yourself of the affair. Really, you need to go NC. This mm needs to figure out his marriage. Sorry your going through this. Best of luck to you.

 

Mea:)

[crystal_lostheart]

We talk on this forum about making our own choices and not having other people make choices for us.

 

If my 'friend' did something like that - meaning - making a choice for me (behind my back, which is even worse) - that to me is NOT a friend.

 

No business of hers to do that. She just should have supported and guided you through YOUR healing. Not get involved to this extent, where everyone's emotions are already thrown up in the air. What was to gain by HER telling the W? And without firstly discussing her intentions with you? No Thank you.

 

You are hurting and I'm sure that you can find the strength to get through this. These situations are devastating to all involved, however you wake up the next morning and life just goes on. Stay NC and now just move on with YOUR life.

Edited January 10, 2010 by crystal_lostheart

[whichwayisup]

You need to ask your friend then, what do I do now that you've told her, and she comes to my door or calls me? Did you think of that? You may have thought you were helping by taking this into your own hands, but it seems you didn't think of the 'what's going to happen afterwards..'

 

What's done is done, right or wrong - IT doesn't matter anymore. MM feels betrayed by you, reguardless if he thinks you got your friend to tell, or not, you ended the A, and now her telling carved it in stone. I'm sure right now that is the last thing on his mind, he's probably trying to save his own ass.

 

Question is, what are you going to do if his wife calls you? Are you prepared to talk to her, tell her you actually had ended the A and was walking away from it all? Will you answer her questions ,be honest? Or will you protect your MM and down play the whole A?

[Austen]

You need to ask your friend then, what do I do now that you've told her, and she comes to my door or calls me? Did you think of that? You may have thought you were helping by taking this into your own hands, but it seems you didn't think of the 'what's going to happen afterwards..'

 

What's done is done, right or wrong - IT doesn't matter anymore. MM feels betrayed by you, reguardless if he thinks you got your friend to tell, or not, you ended the A, and now her telling carved it in stone. I'm sure right now that is the last thing on his mind, he's probably trying to save his own ass.

 

Question is, what are you going to do if his wife calls you? Are you prepared to talk to her, tell her you actually had ended the A and was walking away from it all? Will you answer her questions ,be honest? Or will you protect your MM and down play the whole A?

 

I'd answer most of her questions, because it's possible MM would be throwing me under the bus...

So far she hasn't contacted me. But, yes, I have thought considerably about that possibility.

 

And yes, I think he is feeling very betrayed by me, which is really the pot calling the kettle black. But I did explain to him what happened--that I confided in her, and she did this without my knowledge. And I did apologize to him for that, because this is not what I wanted to have happen. But obviously he's not going to be less upset with me anytime soon for confiding in her. He needs to direct his anger at someone, so besides himself, I'm the next best target.

Edited January 10, 2010 by Austen

[jwi71]

Austen my post below will not please you in any way, shape or form.

In fact, it will likely piss you off. However, I think you CAN hear this now.

And yes, I, like your friend I commented on yesterday, am on YOUR side.

Set aside, however briefly, your initial emotional reaction.

Time to use that grey matter.

 

I'd answer most of her questions, because it's possible MM would be throwing me under the bus...

So far she hasn't contacted me. But, yes, I have thought considerably about that possibility.

 

Yup. You got tossed. I PROMISE it.

How do I know? He's ANGRY at you.

IF all was as he claimed...he would be THANKFUL.

But he's angry because "you" upset his perfect little world - meaning his M is in jeopardy - and he CLEARLY wants his M.

 

Ignore his words - watch what he DOES.

 

I have quoted your initial post. I didn't say much then as I didn't think you would receive my thoughts well. I think you might NOW.

Again, I KNOW they are lies based on his ACTIONS at the d-day.

 

His wife cheated on him before they ever got married, but she became pregnant with his child, so he "did the right thing".

 

The "she cheated first" lie. What, is this junior high? He hit me first bullcrap? Please. I can almost promise this is a lie. I would believe it only if his W told you. If your source is the MM.......

The "I got married for the kids" lie.

So...he doesn't LOVE her yet FIGHTS to keep her? He's angry at upsetting a M he doesn't truly want? Seriously...you are smarter than this.

Not adding up my dear.

 

When he came back from Iraq, his wife's best friend told him that his wife had been cheating on him while he was overseas. Well, he and the best friend ended up having a brief affair, but she met someone and moved on.

Serial cheater. Again...consider your source here.

 

If I believe what he tells me, she's very controlling, moody, yells a lot, and puts him down frequently. He says he's been very unhappy the past couple years.

Likely untrue. Very likely.

This is all tried and true MM speak. They ALL say it justify the A to themselves and HOOK YOU IN.

 

Again...back on message for me...his ACTIONS prove otherwise.

He's mad because he got BUSTED. No OTHER reason. Period.

If it was this bad...he'd be packing and be gone.

But he's not.

He's never brought up the idea of separation to her, but she's threatened him with it multiple times.

More MM bullcrap.

This is standard stuff.

Again...like the above...likely lies.

His ACTIONS certainly seem to refute his WORDS after being busted.

 

 

I will say this about him--he's never spoken of her disrespectfully.

He ACTS it.

See the pattern of passive aggressive here?

See the lies? The deceit?

 

He's really struggled with our situation to the point that he even talked to his pastor a couple weeks ago about our affair.

The best lies are the UNVERIFIABLE ones.

Like I was once a hired CIA hitman. Go on and call the CIA...see if they verify it.

Message number two...can you VERIFY anything he's told you? Likely little if any...and, like a broken record...his ACTIONS seem to bespeak otherwise.

 

He says he's not sure what his feelings for his wife are anymore. He's mentioned the idea of divorce to me several times, and has even talked about child custody, and where he would stay. But at this point, he's definitely in limbo.

More MM bullshyte. I can't tell you how many stories I've seen where this happens...just ask silverplanet or the other poster with three daughters (forgot her name). They got the same bullshyte.

 

Odd how he NEVER mentions it to her.

Even more odd how he is ACTING now consider all he tells you....

 

has not been frequent, and we've gone through periods of not having any because we both felt guilty.

Guilt is a fascinating emotion. Because you can only feel it if you have feelings for the betrayed...

 

He tells me that he doesn't want me to end it, but that he'd understand if I did.

You are being set up here. But you won't see it that way.

And what man tells a serious love interest this anyway?

Hello...he's NOT that into you.

(and his ACTIONS now...oh, you get the idea by now)

 

He says he needs time to figure out what to do, and that he could see us together if his marriage ended.

I bolded the only word that matters...IF.

This is called being the fallback option. IF his M fails of course.

More standard MM bullshyte.

Its a hook...spit it out.

 

But he's also said that he can't make any promises. And last week he told me that even though it would be hard, he'd rather see me with someone else now and be happy than to have me waiting around for "us" to begin somewhere down the road.

When I first read this I was flabbergasted. Again...he is totally setting you up.

 

I've told him that if we continue, his wife will catch him. He doesn't seem to care about that very much

That was OBVIOUSLY a lie.

See the patterns of lies and deceit all designed to entangle you in an A while KEEPING his M intact?

 

Yes, part of me feels guilty. But I also believe that people have the right to not be miserable. While he's never spoken disrespectfully about his wife, he has mentioned the things I noted above as well as the fact that she's hit him and locked him out of the house.

Maybe, just maybe...its because she is tired of his lying cheating ways?

Now, only they know the truth. Point is...he has CLEARLY demonstrated who and what he is...consider that when "evaluating thier M and her actions".

 

And, the way he ACTS now after the reveal is CONTRARY to what he's told you.

 

What is more believable?

His response is that he's a coward.

I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.

And he is SHOWING you exactly how he will treat YOU in M.

You sure this is what you want for a spouse?

 

And I wonder if he's really pulling the wool over my eyes or is he genuinely conflicted and seriously working toward a decision.

You have your answer NOW.

His ACTIONS only makes sense if he was lying.

Because he NOW has the perfect excuse to leave...and he didn;t have to do anything. IT was done for him. And he STILL stays.

 

I REALLY am on YOUR side.

I REALLY want you to be happy.

I REALLY want you to have a day without this weight bringing you down.

I REALLY want you to be happy. (said it twice)

 

Take a breath. Look at his ACTIONS. Do they make sense if what he TELLS (lies) you is true?

 

YOU have all the answers and closure you need.

 

Walk. Consider it an escape.

 

And if his wife calls...be 100% honest with her.

It will be eye-opening for you both...

[torranceshipman]

I second everything in the post above...walk away before you get more hurt - this is a guy who cheated with his W's best friend!! And it wasn't even him that ended the A. Plus he DOES disrespect his W - he sleeps with another woman regularly and talks smack about how the W abuses him whilst in this OWs bed. What kind of person does that? He is totally disrespecting her. He also seems to be making no moves to end the M and I am sure that he is doing everything he can to control the damage right now, lying as much as is necessary to keep his W. I am also on your side here - just don't waste your time believing this person.

[Austen]

Well, things got really interesting yesterday and today. Our NC had begun, but who did I receive a text from last night begging me not to answer my phone? You guessed it. MM texts me in a panic because wife is at work, and he's sure she's going to call me. "So, please, please don't answer your phone--if you care about me at all, blah, blah, blah." Because he realizes now that she's threatening to leave him and take the kids that he really does love her after all and wants to make the marriage work. Then he starts blaming me again because I told my friend about us and then she told his wife.

Oh, I got P*SSED. We had quite the exchange of texts. And he didn't deny throwing me under the bus to his wife. He also finally admitted to me that he's still denying the affair to her. Shocker.

He asked me to not contact him anymore, and I said no problem--unless your wife starts contacting me or causes problems for me, you won't hear from me again. He then said a sad, apologetic good-bye. Boo-freaking-hoo.

So very early this morning I received a voicemail from the friend who outed us to MM's wife (I'm still not talking to friend). In the message she said wife contacted her via FB and wanted more info about the affair. "Friend" refused to tell her anything more, and wife did not like that one bit. Wife told friend that if husband (MM) actually screwed me, then the marriage was over and there was no working out sh*t.

Well, at 5am, when I knew he'd be getting ready for work, and she wasn't home from work yet, I texted him to let him know that his wife had contacted my friend. He texted back all angry and I'd had enough. He asked, "well, what would you consider an affair, really?" I texted back that he wasn't going to twist this around on me, that he wasn't going to get away with pretending the sex, talking and feelings never happened. And to not contact me because he was being a jerk.

Here's the kicker. Later in the morning, I received a call and voicemail from a number I didn't recognize. I assumed it was from the wife. I didn't listen to the message til late this afternoon. The message was from MM calling from work phone. Apparently, HE'D BEEN WITHOUT HIS PHONE SINCE 4AM.

Hmmm, wonder who I was texting with at 5am then? My guess--THE WIFE. She probably came home from work early and confiscated his phone.

Oh, this just keeps getting better and better....

Edited January 12, 2010 by Austen

[fooled once]

Austen, my advice? Stay out of it.

 

Stop texting him.

 

Stop talking to him.

 

Let him and his wife deal with this.

 

And stop trying to protect him or give him the heads up.

 

Let them work this mess through.

 

All this drama --- do you really need it or want it?

 

I understand you are hurting and mad; but let them implode on their own.

 

((hug))

[Austen]

After what he did yesterday and today, I WILL NOT PROTECT HIM ANYMORE.

I'm too tired to get into in now, but he brought it into work. And that was crossing the line. Fortunately I have a great boss, and she's in my corner. But if his wife calls, she's getting the answers she wants. He's throwing me to the wolves to save his ass. But now it's time for me to look out for myself. Good thing I saved some of our recent texts...and cell phone bills are a wonderful thing too...

[whichwayisup]

IF his wife calls you, asks you all about the A, BE HONEST and answer her questions. NOT because you want to stick to him, make him suffer, but because it'll help her...And also, it'll help give you closure. Don't make stuff up to try to piss her off, or hurt her.. No need to go into 'details' (sex wise, positions etc) but just answer her questions and be respectful towards her. BUT, with that said, if things get out of control and she becomes threatening, then end the conversation before it can escalate.

[Austen]

IF his wife calls you, asks you all about the A, BE HONEST and answer her questions. NOT because you want to stick to him, make him suffer, but because it'll help her...And also, it'll help give you closure. Don't make stuff up to try to piss her off, or hurt her.. No need to go into 'details' (sex wise, positions etc) but just answer her questions and be respectful towards her. BUT, with that said, if things get out of control and she becomes threatening, then end the conversation before it can escalate.

 

I have no desire to hurt him. And I have no desire to cause her more pain. My only concern at this point is for myself and protecting my job. He has shown over the past couple days just how deceitful and manipulative he can be (having the affair in the first place should have been a clue). He's very good at getting people to believe him. His tactics are actually starting to scare me. And yet, I brought this on myself by ever being involved with him.

[Fallen Angel]

It makes me sad for you to know that he was angry with you about the D-day. When My MM and I had our D-day he was never angry with me about it, and it was my now ex-husband who was the one who made the call to MMs wife. In fact, MM called me over and over to make sure that I was doing okay during that time.

 

It seems to me, if he loved you, he would not be angry with you for something like that.

 

((HUGS))

 

You seem like a nice woman, I am sure you deserve so much better than that. When you begin to see that, you will start to heal.

[Austen]

It makes me sad for you to know that he was angry with you about the D-day. When My MM and I had our D-day he was never angry with me about it, and it was my now ex-husband who was the one who made the call to MMs wife. In fact, MM called me over and over to make sure that I was doing okay during that time.

 

It seems to me, if he loved you, he would not be angry with you for something like that.

 

((HUGS))

 

You seem like a nice woman, I am sure you deserve so much better than that. When you begin to see that, you will start to heal.

 

Thanks for your kind words. It's obvious to me now that whatever feelings he had for me turned to hatred when he thought he might lose his family. I spoke to my boss today (she's asked me questions, and I've been nothing but honest with her) and MM's wife called her yesterday. It was just as I suspected--she's in complete denial about the affair because her husband can do no wrong, and I must be some kind of lunatic who's obsessed with him.

My boss has been absolutely wonderful about the situation. She's been nothing but supportive, and my job is safe. She's disappointed in MM that he brought this into the workplace though, and if he continues to do so and drag me through the mud more, she told me she will deal with him. Fortunately, he and I work at different locations, and our positions both recently changed, so we will not be crossing paths again.

His wife has not contacted me even though she still has his phone (so she told my boss).

Today has just been a bad day. I was doing better until I found out about the wife's phone call to my boss. It sent me plummeting.

I didn't want to emotionally hurt him before, but now I do, and that's not right. As much as I want emotional retribution for what he's done the past few days, it would be best if I completely let it go. I just want the hurt and disappointment to go away, but that's going to take a while.

[silktricks]

I just want the hurt and disappointment to go away, but that's going to take a while.

It will take awhile, but you're going to be just fine.