Austen Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Here's a link to my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216500/ I'm so hurt and angry that part of me really wants to tell his wife and I'm on the verge of doing it. I'm not thinking rationally right now...
2sunny Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Here's a link to my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216500/ I'm so hurt and angry that part of me really wants to tell his wife and I'm on the verge of doing it. I'm not thinking rationally right now... what was the breaking point that made you hurt and angry?
fooled once Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 So you started "seeing" him in mid-October and only saw him once or twice a month -- so at most, you saw him 6 times, but talked and texted with him... I am not trying to minimize your relationship, but how well do you even really know him? Not that well, from my viewpoint. I know you are hurting, but you did the right thing. So he has 'only' cheated twice on the 9 years they have been married... yikes. He doesn't really sound like that great of a guy, IMHO. Be glad that you didn't get more invested, that you didn't waste anymore time with him and that you are getting away from it pretty unscathed. I hope you are 'done' with him and don't get sucked back into his drama and his marriage. Let him concentrate on himself, his marriage and his kids. If he chooses to stay, good for him. If he chooses to leave, good for him. But I would stay away from him and not wait for him to decide or wait while he gets divorced. It could get drawn out and ugly. Glad you are starting off the new year knowing you aren't going to be wasting time on someone who isn't worthy of you!
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 You're upset and emotion, reacting..NOT a reason to go tell his wife. When indoubt, do nothing. Besides, it isn't your place to tell her, sorry, but you knew from day one he was married, and you wanting to tell her is to make him pay and hurt him. Turn some of the anger towards yourself. Yes, he lied to you, led you on, whatever, but you have to own your part in this. Noone held a gun to your head, told you to have an affair with a MM. It was a choice. Anyway, vent it out, write out your feelings, even do a draft email to him but do not send it. This is for theraputic reasons only.
Got it Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Why would you tell his wife now? You weren't thinking of telling her when you were together. I can see telling her if he won't leave you alone and it is a way to make sure that NC is honoured but right now you are just lashing out. Sorry for your pain, be still and breathe.
willowfields Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 what would you gain by telling his wife. only to make yourself feel better. it's pretty cruel to even think of telling her.
tami-chan Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Hopefully, you will gain life lessons from the experience...I expect to gain one or two from my mine. The ride was worth the fall.....Take care of yourself, it will get better....
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Oh Austen, I am so sorry for what is happening to you, you do not deserve to be treated in a manor that is not worthy of you and you are worth a lot. He may or may not deserve you....and telling his W, well I sense that it would hurt you worse for the simple fact that you are being pushed to a point that is indescribeable, yet you would not feel good about you and you feel bad enough already. I don't know where you are at spiritually, although not wishing to offend you in any way, I will just explain what I would do and am doing right as we speak....I am letting go of this right now today and giving it to God and not taking it back. I can't deal with it any longer....all of the stops and starts, all of the not knowing, all of the could haves, would haves, should haves. In my situation, this man will chase me and chase me...it could all be about the chase who kinows....I have decided and made a vow not to judge exMM, exBF, or MM at all anymore. Only God knows their hearts, but I am done just like you. I do not need my head to be played with nor my emotions....Austen, gather your thoughts and get all of your thinking on the right course....do not give up on you should depression hit. Austen....plain and simple....if they want us they will have love us and show us that, period. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have been through this with this guy....now it is put up or shut up, period, dot, the end. You are not junk, you are precious and worth much....and remember this is nothing that you did wrong....k...you simply wanted to love and to be loved....you are in my thoughts....I'm hurting too and understand....
Author Austen Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 Oh Austen, I am so sorry for what is happening to you, you do not deserve to be treated in a manor that is not worthy of you and you are worth a lot. He may or may not deserve you....and telling his W, well I sense that it would hurt you worse for the simple fact that you are being pushed to a point that is indescribeable, yet you would not feel good about you and you feel bad enough already. I don't know where you are at spiritually, although not wishing to offend you in any way, I will just explain what I would do and am doing right as we speak....I am letting go of this right now today and giving it to God and not taking it back. I can't deal with it any longer....all of the stops and starts, all of the not knowing, all of the could haves, would haves, should haves. In my situation, this man will chase me and chase me...it could all be about the chase who kinows....I have decided and made a vow not to judge exMM, exBF, or MM at all anymore. Only God knows their hearts, but I am done just like you. I do not need my head to be played with nor my emotions....Austen, gather your thoughts and get all of your thinking on the right course....do not give up on you should depression hit. Austen....plain and simple....if they want us they will have love us and show us that, period. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have been through this with this guy....now it is put up or shut up, period, dot, the end. You are not junk, you are precious and worth much....and remember this is nothing that you did wrong....k...you simply wanted to love and to be loved....you are in my thoughts....I'm hurting too and understand.... Thank you for your kind post. You'll be in my thoughts as well. I was going to PM you, but it won't let me yet.
temple Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Well Austen, right now it seems like an incredible feat but in a few months you will look back on this time and truly feel as though you had a lucky escape.
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I re-read the original post (OP) and I remember now, I had much to deal with concerning another thread at the same time.... Austen, I know you are hurt, and in reading the OP many were not ok with the PTSD or whatever, I might have the caps in the wrong order....don't be concerned about that....most people have that and they do not know it....the pm won't work till you've been a member for about 3 mo I think. Austen, it is important for you to keep your NC stand.....although please let me say he is a good man, I don't care what anyone says in this forum, they are not there and most do not know what it is like to be faced with death constantly....this man is willing to give his life up for US....hmmmmm, that stands for United States. I believe this man is for real and if you keep the NC it will give him time to decide and take action. My ex was USMC and I worked for the Military all of my life, I know what these guys are made of....pure steel....try not to be hurt or angry, just love him from a distance until he can get his stuff in order. I think he should go to his command though because these women try to ruin the men by going to their command and talking all kinds of mess...I know, my son went through that....I hope he is keeping records or gathering witnesses because my son's ex told his command he was not feeding her....OMG I wanted to jack her up for that one...spoiled rotton little brat, and this was all during 9/11 too.....Civilians just don't get it sometimes, they do not know what it is like....soooo with that there is a possibility that you may get some replies reflecting a lack of understanding, it is not their fault, it is just lack of knowledge. Austen, I have a good feeling about this.....
Author Austen Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 I re-read the original post (OP) and I remember now, I had much to deal with concerning another thread at the same time.... Austen, I know you are hurt, and in reading the OP many were not ok with the PTSD or whatever, I might have the caps in the wrong order....don't be concerned about that....most people have that and they do not know it....the pm won't work till you've been a member for about 3 mo I think. Austen, it is important for you to keep your NC stand.....although please let me say he is a good man, I don't care what anyone says in this forum, they are not there and most do not know what it is like to be faced with death constantly....this man is willing to give his life up for US....hmmmmm, that stands for United States. I believe this man is for real and if you keep the NC it will give him time to decide and take action. My ex was USMC and I worked for the Military all of my life, I know what these guys are made of....pure steel....try not to be hurt or angry, just love him from a distance until he can get his stuff in order. I think he should go to his command though because these women try to ruin the men by going to their command and talking all kinds of mess...I know, my son went through that....I hope he is keeping records or gathering witnesses because my son's ex told his command he was not feeding her....OMG I wanted to jack her up for that one...spoiled rotton little brat, and this was all during 9/11 too.....Civilians just don't get it sometimes, they do not know what it is like....soooo with that there is a possibility that you may get some replies reflecting a lack of understanding, it is not their fault, it is just lack of knowledge. Austen, I have a good feeling about this..... Thanks again for another thoughtful post. He's not in the military anymore. He was done after his last deployment in '06, but it is still a huge part of who he is. And he is still greatly affected by his PTSD. I just found out that his wife has been told about the affair, and not by him or me. Completely unexpected. I had decided not to tell her, and it turns out someone else got to her anyway. MM and I still haven't had contact since our fight last night. It's going to be an interesting week. He's not a horrible person, and I think I made him feel like one last night. But I have to protect myself as well. Yes, I know I chose to be in this situation, so karma's a b****. If it's truly over, then that's the way it's supposed to be. But I'm not going to be the one he comes running to if his wife leaves. He can ONLY come to me if/when they are finished.
Meaplus3 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Here's a link to my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216500/ I'm so hurt and angry that part of me really wants to tell his wife and I'm on the verge of doing it. I'm not thinking rationally right now... No! DO NOT tell the wife... if you really want to create a mess.. telling the W will accomplish just that. Look, I had the same exact thoughts years back.. when my ea was at the end. And by reading here and taking the advice of my therspist, I made the right call and walked away. Went into NC.. and left this MM to clean up hiw own life. Best thing I ever did. So, Please.. I beg of you.. let go of this thought.. and Don't do it. Mea:)
Author Austen Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 His wife knows for sure now, and he's extremely hurt and angry--like an injured animal. I made the mistake of confiding in a friend I thought I could trust, and she contacted his wife by email last night and told her about the affair (I'm furious and currently not speaking to "friend"). I had made the decision last night that letting the wife know was a bad idea. Well, Wife checked email today and Pandora's box opened. MM VERY angry. We've texted tonight--me doing most of the texting. He's barely speaking to me, but has not shut me out completely. But obviously we're done for now. At some point down the road, if he's on his own, then maybe...but I'm not gonna let myself think about that anymore at this point. He just texted me and said sorry but he just doesn't want to talk right now. So, here starts the NC. Yes, I chose to be in this mess. I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I have to remind myself that NC is the best thing that could happen right now, especially while they're sorting this out. He's got some very long, hard days ahead of him.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 The friend you told about the A, is a friend to the MM's wife as well? If so, it was wrong of you to tell her since I'm sure she felt like she was stuck in the middle. Or, was this a friend of yours who doesn't know the wife and took it upon herself to tell? Stay away from MM, ignore him if he contacts you.
Author Austen Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 The friend you told about the A, is a friend to the MM's wife as well? If so, it was wrong of you to tell her since I'm sure she felt like she was stuck in the middle. Or, was this a friend of yours who doesn't know the wife and took it upon herself to tell? Stay away from MM, ignore him if he contacts you. No, my friend does not know MM's wife. She knew I was hurting so she took it upon herself (without my knowledge) to contact wife via a FB email message. Apparently wife's FB profile has the option to send her a message even if you're not FB friends. I understand my friend had good intentions, but they were extremely misguided, and I'm still very upset that she stepped into it.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 No, that's not good intentions to go behind your back and get involved like that. SHE took it upon herself to do, she was out of line. Though, if she was thinking along the same lines as you, telling the wife, then she probably thought she was doing you a favour by telling. Still wrong of her.. Anyway, it's done. The A is definately over now.
Author Austen Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Good intentions? I don't have any friends who would do that to me. You vented to her about telling the wife as you did here last night? No, by the time I talked to her last night, I was still upset but cooled off enough that i did not want to tell his wife. So I didn't even mention it.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 But she knew you wanted to tell the wife (before) you cooled off? It's possible you worked her up and it seems she took matters into her own hands. Anyway, you did end the A, and now with the help of your friend telling his wife, it IS over for good now. Hope you heal and let go, do your grieving and are able to move on, not look backwards.
pureinheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 His wife knows for sure now, and he's extremely hurt and angry--like an injured animal. I made the mistake of confiding in a friend I thought I could trust, and she contacted his wife by email last night and told her about the affair (I'm furious and currently not speaking to "friend"). I had made the decision last night that letting the wife know was a bad idea. Well, Wife checked email today and Pandora's box opened. MM VERY angry. We've texted tonight--me doing most of the texting. He's barely speaking to me, but has not shut me out completely. But obviously we're done for now. At some point down the road, if he's on his own, then maybe...but I'm not gonna let myself think about that anymore at this point. He just texted me and said sorry but he just doesn't want to talk right now. So, here starts the NC. Yes, I chose to be in this mess. I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I have to remind myself that NC is the best thing that could happen right now, especially while they're sorting this out. He's got some very long, hard days ahead of him. Wow....I am so very sorry.... I put in bold a statement that you made. I'm priddy sure you said almost the same thing in a previous post....Austen, try not to beat yourself up, I am not saying this is you, although if it is.... I felt soooooo guilty for being with a MM, no one could have beat me up worse than me. I felt, "well I made my own bed" and began tp persecute myself and mostlikely did some self destructive things due to that. We all do stuff that is wrong at times and actually in thinking, I might have been very arrogant NOT to forgive myself. Why is he mad at you? Because you confided in a friend and the friend made a mistake. As far as your friend goes, ya it was a wrong call for that person to make, although it depends where the friends heart was at and the intent....actually intent is the key. I have blown it in many ways and lots of people have had to forgive me in the past. Him being mad at you.....well....I know it is difficult to type every detail, and to remember every detail of your relationship, although based on what you've said and human nature, I don't think he should be mad at you.....what you can't talk to anyone? Sure it is sensitive in nature, although you have to have someone to talk to about this. And regardless everyone knows that their SO could find out somehow anyway. Does he think you were being vindictive, or your friend? He made the choice also to take a risk. Hey, this is just my take on the OW NW (new woman) thing....if a man starts regularly seeing AW then this speaks volumns....cutting to the chase, to me it says the M is over JMO (O=observation). Whether the new woman and MM get together is up for debate, although the M is over. Your a cool person Austen, always thinking of the other person, it's evident in what you have to say....good things will happen to you, and that I can promise!
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Austen, You don't see it now, and most here will not, but your friend is a true one. She did EXACTLY what EVERYONE needed. Not WANT, NEED. She had the courage to do what was REQUIRED. She, seeing you as you are (not were), ACTED to save you. She acted in YOUR best interest. (Everyone's tbh) Do NOT walk from this woman. Do NOT shun her. In her you have someone who has demonstrated she CAN and WILL act decisively for you. She is worth her weight in gold. By all means trust your friend. By all means go to her again. In time, you will see what she has done. And you will thank and bless her.
pureinheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Austen, You don't see it now, and most here will not, but your friend is a true one. She did EXACTLY what EVERYONE needed. Not WANT, NEED. She had the courage to do what was REQUIRED. She, seeing you as you are (not were), ACTED to save you. She acted in YOUR best interest. (Everyone's tbh) Do NOT walk from this woman. Do NOT shun her. In her you have someone who has demonstrated she CAN and WILL act decisively for you. She is worth her weight in gold. By all means trust your friend. By all means go to her again. In time, you will see what she has done. And you will thank and bless her. You know what JW....I think your right....
pureinheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I rarely agree with, or would give advice to tell the S.....although in this case I think your friend did what she felt would stop everyones pain.
Author Austen Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Thanks to everyone for your replies to my situation (posted over two threads), especially to those who actually put some thought into them and didn't make assumptions. And as to the others...water off a duck's back... As of right now, the A is over, and nothing more will happen unless they divorce. I'm giving him his space, because this isn't only about me and my feelings. If things change I'll post an update for those who took the time to care about this newbie's dilemma. It was greatly appreciated. Pureinheart, I'll PM you as soon as it's available, if that's okay
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