2sunny Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yes 2Sunny I have a 4 yr old and my wife was pregnant by someone else so is the 4 year old yours and she's pregnant now by your BF?
StarChick Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Wow, I misunderstood your story as well. I apologize.
StarChick Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Usually by the time the woman finds out she's pregnant, the clinic wouldn't have any problem doing the procedure. I've never heard of that before. Of course, I could be wrong. I'm not a medical professional by any stretch of the imagination, but that struck me as weird. Also, how DO you test an unborn baby for DNA? I'm confused. My Benedryl must be kicking in or something.
Scrivdog Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I see people here are mighty quick to advise you to divorce her and leave - f*ck knows that's not easy when you have a young child whom you love. I have to wonder if those posters have kids You're correct that with today's court system you have a good chance of being one of those every other weekend dads and your son will have to deal with one or more other guys being the new fulltime "dad". You can only hope that at least one of the guys isn't a scumbag to your kid. And even if you do somehow get full custody, the boy now is deprived of his mother. It's basically a no-win situation for your son. For what it's worth, I say stick it out as best you can and get your parachute ready for the day he turns 18. It sucks - no doubt about it. But it's probably the best thing for your son.
road Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 No where does it state that this BH has done a DNA test with the child born four years ago. This needs to be done.
Scrivdog Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 No where does it state that this BH has done a DNA test with the child born four years ago. This needs to be done. To what end? As far as the OP and the child are concerned, he's the father. What difference does the DNA make now?
Church Bells Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 To what end? As far as the OP and the child are concerned, he's the father. What difference does the DNA make now? Obviously, you feel differently, but for many BH's (myself included) it would be the deal breaker. I don't care how much I may have come to love a child ... once I learned of its true paternity ... I could not look at it again without triggering ... and there would truly be no other choice but to proceed directly to divorce court, and my relationship with that child would be severed. To me ... in situations like this, there is no right & wrong answer, as we would all have to deal with it based on our own personalities/experiences. I admit that I misread the OP's original message and thought we were dealing with just one 4 year old child, but regardless, at this point, I think its best to get the OP's opinion on what he can accept/tolerate before advising further.
Scrivdog Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Obviously, you feel differently, but for many BH's (myself included) it would be the deal breaker. I don't care how much I may have come to love a child ... once I learned of its true paternity ... I could not look at it again without triggering ... and there would truly be no other choice but to proceed directly to divorce court, and my relationship with that child would be severed. To me ... in situations like this, there is no right & wrong answer, as we would all have to deal with it based on our own personalities/experiences. I admit that I misread the OP's original message and thought we were dealing with just one 4 year old child, but regardless, at this point, I think its best to get the OP's opinion on what he can accept/tolerate before advising further. That's just plain sad. So your love is conditional upon the sperm being your own after 4 years? Suddenly he becomes an "it". My gut tells me the OP isn't as heartless as you. Edited January 11, 2010 by Scrivdog
Church Bells Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 That's just plain sad. So your love is conditional upon the sperm being your own after 4 years? Suddenly it becomes an "it". My gut tells me the OP isn't as heartless as you. Sorry you're having such a problem understanding that others could view this differently than yourself. Concerning my sadness or heartlessness ... you should probably also understand that when I get up in the morning, look in the mirror and contemplate by self-worth ... strangely enough the opinion of Scrivdog doesn't factor into the equation.
Author je50 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) I understand that everyone has different opinions and experiences in life and lots of people would react differently which is why I came here. I was against getting counseling before coming on here but I am considering it now. I think it would help me out alot. I dont know why but I never considered getting a dna test on my 4 yr old. Mostly because he looks just like me. The baby was born last march and none of this came out until after he was borh. Like I said before,I thought something was up. So I did a home swab dna test right before I left to go to work when he was about 3 mos. old. I found out about 10 days later. After I got the results and confronted her with it is when she told me everything. Edited January 11, 2010 by je50
Space Ritual Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I understand that everyone has different opinions and experiences in life and lots of people would react differently which is why I came here. I was against getting counseling before coming on here but I am considering it now. I think it would help me out alot. I dont know why but I never considered getting a dna test on my 4 yr old. Mostly because he looks just like me. The baby was born last march and none of this came out until after he was borh. Like I said before,I thought something was up. So I did a home swab dna test right before I left to go to work when he was about 3 mos. old. I found out about 10 days later. After I got the results and confronted her with it is when she told me everything. After you got the results was when she came clean? Once again,. she would have been more than happy to keep this a secret and probably continue her little affair with your buddy had you not taken action yourself. I wouldn't trust a thing out of her mouth.
bittersweet memories Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If the situation wasn't so harsh..I would say give her a chance. Obviously that is not the case. Not only did she betrayed you, she betrayed you with YOUR best friend. She got pregnant. That's sick. This is something you can't just ignore or work on. If you stay I have no doubt it will get worse.
mark982 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 did you sign the birth papers? not sure which way you want to go with this. but alot of states you only have so much time to bring up evidence that the child isn't your. after that you're stuck with the payments.
bittersweet memories Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I understand that everyone has different opinions and experiences in life and lots of people would react differently which is why I came here. I was against getting counseling before coming on here but I am considering it now. I think it would help me out alot. I dont know why but I never considered getting a dna test on my 4 yr old. Mostly because he looks just like me. The baby was born last march and none of this came out until after he was borh. Like I said before,I thought something was up. So I did a home swab dna test right before I left to go to work when he was about 3 mos. old. I found out about 10 days later. After I got the results and confronted her with it is when she told me everything. WOW!! Thats terrible.. I'm sorry you are going through this, I cannot imagine how painful this is.
Author je50 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Yeah I did sign the birth certificate. At the time I thought he was mine. I was talking to my 4 yr old the other day and he was telling mew that his brother had went to an aunts house that doesnt even live near us. Which tells me shes probably taking the baby to his fathers house so he can see him. Which also makes me wonder what else is she doing while I'm gone for 4 weeks. I CRINGE at the thought of having my son being raised by someone else but I can't stand by and let her sleep with whoever she chooses behind my back either. This isn't what I pictured my family to be like and I highly doubt I'll have any more children because of this situation. Which sucks because I did want at least one more. Oh well. The more I post here and read your replies,the more I realize what I need to do. Thank you so much everyone for your advice and replies. I appreciate it.
stuckinoz Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 je50 When did you find out? How did you find out? How long was the affair? Where is the OM now? It took you four years to get here no need to rush on making important decisions. I'm with Road....... This whole thing took that long to come out into the open & there are a lot of unanswered questions (at least here) You came here for advice & yet so many here automatically say your wife is Your wife isn't even human. Divorce is the only option. Which in my opinion is the most ridiculous pieces of advice he could get from here. The wife is very much human as is this 4 year old child. Just because someone has an affair & a child is conceived from that - does not make them un-human. You say that you were trying to make it work....What changed? Why now, is it not working. You mention trust issues. I'd assume that any marriage where a spouse is gone for long amounts of time, there are trust issues. You have to ask yourself - IS your marriage worth it? Only you can answer that. If the answer is no - the by all means, you should proceed to an attorney. But, since this is not your child - Good luck with custody issues. - Again, MANY un-answered questions here
Author je50 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) I found out in June. As far as how long the affair was going on,I can only go on what she told me. But I had suspected something about a year ago. And I asked but she denied it and made me feel like a ass for doubting her. Without any proof I had nothing to go one until all of this happened. The friend still lives in the same town that we live in. All he has said to me was that he was sorry. Like I said before I found out after getting the dna test done. I had decided to try and make it work for my biological son. Because he is everything to me. And I really didn't want him to be raised in a single parent family and all of the things that go with it. But I'm having the change of heart because honestly I feel like I can do better than her and having to deal with all of this because she dropped all of this on my lap to deal with. I've talked to my family about it and they all think that I should leave her too. I really can't even bring her around my family for obvious reasons. She hasn't even told her family. I have a tattoo with my biological sons name on me and my mother in law asks me all the time why I haven't gotten the baby's name on me. I make up some excuse everytime but its not my fault that all of this happened so I feel that this whole situation unfair to me. My initial feeling about this was I can work it out somehow. But I'm starting to feel like I'm just setting myself up to be a doormat for this and anything else that she decides to do in the future. Hence the name change of heart. I don't even wanna go anywhere in public with her. Maybe because in my conscious I'm ashamed of her or maybe ashamed of myself because I'm still with her. I don't feel like I can be myself around her at all because I don't trust her. Edited January 11, 2010 by je50
eeyore1981 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yeah I did sign the birth certificate. At the time I thought he was mine. I was talking to my 4 yr old the other day and he was telling mew that his brother had went to an aunts house that doesnt even live near us. Which tells me shes probably taking the baby to his fathers house so he can see him. Which also makes me wonder what else is she doing while I'm gone for 4 weeks. I CRINGE at the thought of having my son being raised by someone else but I can't stand by and let her sleep with whoever she chooses behind my back either. This isn't what I pictured my family to be like and I highly doubt I'll have any more children because of this situation. Which sucks because I did want at least one more. Oh well. The more I post here and read your replies,the more I realize what I need to do. Thank you so much everyone for your advice and replies. I appreciate it. Man, I feel for you. I think I could handle taking care of someone else's child, and even love it as my own, but I absolutely do not believe I could deal at all with having the person my spouse had an affair with continuously in my life from that day forth. My H had an EA, and as far as I can tell there was no PA, yet if I EVER find he had any contact with her again, I would kick his a$$ to the curb. So, while not in your situation, I can understand how you feel.
mark982 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 je50, by not answering your MIL when she asked you about your lack of a new tattoo you're actually enabling your wife to continue her affair. one of the first things you got to do is expose,she probable won't believe you, but who cares. and having a "chat" with your (former) bestfriend shouldn't be far behind;)
Bryanp Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Please get a top notch attorney. Your wife has played you for a complete fool. She has humiliated and disrespected you in the worst way possible. I hate to tell you but that a person that would engage in this type of behavior with your best friend shows she was also probably getting a perverse thrill on cheating on your with your best friend. Trying to pass off the baby as your own shows how despicable she is. You would have to be out of your mind to believe that she would not cheat on you again. Please find a top notch attorney and stop wasting the rest of your life with someone like this. I wish you luck.
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Is anybody still in touch with Reggie? Didn't he have a similar problem to the OP? I just think his perspective might be useful and helpful if anybody could point him in the direction of this thread.
Author je50 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Just in case anyone was wondering. I'm going to see a lawyer when I get home next week. Thanks everyone for the advice.
jnj express Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Besides your son, and the new child---your major problem is you being home a month and gone a month for I guess the rest of your "work" life. Your wife probably played the LONELY card as her excuse for this past A. I am willing to bet under the right circumstances, and/or with raging hormones she will cheat on you again while you are gone---she will learn from her mistakes this time, and you will never know about any future A's. Hopefully you can work out some type of custody situation, for YOUR own son, and get the court to remove you from the birth certificate on the other child, as you were decieved into signing the certificate. That other child is gonna stick in your craw, and remind you of your wife's infidelity the rest of your life, the child itself is an innocent byproduct, and doesn't deserve what is going to happen in the future. IMHO your best shot is to get your divorce, get the best custody situation you can for the 4 week periods you are here, and have nothing to do with, and no responsibility for the other child. You will never be able to trust your wife while you are gone every other month, and if you are divorced eventually you will stop wondering and caring about what she is doing.
MARINE_ONE Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Well hello everyone. I usually dont do this type of thing but I feel like this site might be the best thing for me. So here it goes... My wife has cheated on me with my best friend,and got pregnant by him. I found out after taking a home dna test of my own because I thought something was up. After confronting her with it,she says she felt so bad that she couldnt tell me. Which to me is a bunch sh*t. The problem is we have a beautiful 4 yr old boy that I love VERY much. And I am torn because I want to make the right decision for both him and myself. I have read some threads on similar subjects here,and I have been in the "fix it" mode for a while but that feeling has worn off. I'm starting to think that the best thing for me is to just get divorced but dont wanna be selfish. I love spending time with my son and I wont get to spend as much time with him if we do split up. Oh..forgot to add that I work offshore for 4 weeks at a time. So there is a HUGE trust issue also. HELP! I cannot say whether you should get divorced. That is up to what's in each's own heart. I can say don't worry about spending time with your son. So far I have more quality time with my kids than I did our whole 12 years. This is not just cuz she leaves them each weekend, but more because I can now do things that are for just for them. I don't spend any time trying to be there fo my ex, but rather all my spare time is all for them now. Keep your chin up and concentrate on your son and you will make the right decisions for him and you. Good luck bro.
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