je50 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Well hello everyone. I usually dont do this type of thing but I feel like this site might be the best thing for me. So here it goes... My wife has cheated on me with my best friend,and got pregnant by him. I found out after taking a home dna test of my own because I thought something was up. After confronting her with it,she says she felt so bad that she couldnt tell me. Which to me is a bunch sh*t. The problem is we have a beautiful 4 yr old boy that I love VERY much. And I am torn because I want to make the right decision for both him and myself. I have read some threads on similar subjects here,and I have been in the "fix it" mode for a while but that feeling has worn off. I'm starting to think that the best thing for me is to just get divorced but dont wanna be selfish. I love spending time with my son and I wont get to spend as much time with him if we do split up. Oh..forgot to add that I work offshore for 4 weeks at a time. So there is a HUGE trust issue also. HELP!
Gabriele Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Oh God...........I am so sorry to here this. You need to have some support, you deserve some support. I am glad you posted. Have you sought out any IC for you? Your thoughts are not selfish in a bad way at all.......your wife is the selfish one. How has your marriage been? Has there been an ongoing affair or it ended years ago with the pregnancy? is the friend still a friend (well before d-day). I can't imagine your devastation. I hope other posters have some helpful words for you. My heart aches for you. Just know that you are YOUR sons DADDY in the most important ways. I hope you seek out IC, maybe MC too if your thought are wanting to keep your marriage. You will need some guidance. stay strong, Gabriele
Space Ritual Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Oh I am so sorry. well at this point I know you have some serious trust issues. May I ask what ACTIONS has your wife undertaken to attempt to repair your marriage?...not words, for they are cheap SELFISH??? No not you my friend. That term is reserved for your wife. She made the choice, AND just hoped that she could carry on this farce with you believing the child is yours? I would never suggest MC in this instance..maybe IC for yourself, MC I think would be a sham...she didn't think too much about your marriage when she got pregnant by your friend, and I'm sure she would have been more than happy to allow you to believe the kid was yours had your not taken action...unless she exhibits by ACTIONS a complete willingness on her part to move on with you and show TRUE REMORSE Id be out the door this very night.
Bryanp Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I think you need to find a very good lawyer. Please look at the facts: 1. She was cheating on you. 2. She was cheating on you with your best friend behind your back. She engaged in a double betrayal which is the ultimate in disrespect and humiliation. 3. She was cheating on you with your best friend and did not even have the decency to use protection which meant she was putting your health at risk for STD's. 4. She didn't even bother to use other protection and allowed herself to get pregnant by this man. 5. She had no intention of ever telling you and was willing to let you believe that it was your child. Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. It is ludicrous to believe that you could trust her. How much of a doormat could you possibly be. I don't mean to be harsh but please see an attorney to understand all of your options. Your wife is a real piece of work. You surely must not settle for this. I wish you luck.
Sal Paradise Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Your wife isn't even human. Divorce is the only option.
lostsunsets Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I am afraid that I have to agree with Bryan.
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Was this a one time, heat of passion thing that she's regretted all this time? Where is she in all of this? What does she say and do about this? I agree this sucks badly, but is this still ongoing? Has it stopped? Maybe we need more details before we sentence this mans marriage to death?
imagine Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Does she regret the affair. What extraordinary precautions will she agree to to prevent her from doing the same thing. Check with a lawyer to see your options. Hold up talking divorce until you know this is where you are going. This is secondary: Did she agree to these monthly work shifts?
Church Bells Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I'm starting to think that the best thing for me is to just get divorced but dont wanna be selfish. I'm one who has come to believe that, in the overwhelming majority of cases, the PROPER response to a WW's A is an immediate D. Throw in the humiliation of keeping the deception going so as to make a BH raise a child THAT IS NOT HIS and the answer becomes CRYSTAL to me. Proceed directly to DIVORCE COURT and don't look back. A woman who is so cold and calculating as to have an A with her BH's best friend, get pregnant and then have him raise the child thinking it is his own could NEVER BE TRUSTED. Also, time to loose the FORMER BF in addition to the WW.
parky-our-zeppelin Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Divorce her, absolutely. It will be better for both you and your son in the long run.
wheelwright Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 You say nothing about what your R with your W is like. Surely that has a bearing? In fact you state facts only, and without the emotional backdrop you will get knee jerk reactions - is that what you are asking for? If my H slept with my friend, I would want to know why, what went wrong with us, if he was a piece of work or messed up. These things do happen when people are lonely. No less painful for you, but true. My vote is forgive unless you know it was cruel with intent, and examine the emotions in your M. Good luck with this heartache. What happened probably wasn't directed at you.
bestplayer Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 You say nothing about what your R with your W is like. Surely that has a bearing? In fact you state facts only, and without the emotional backdrop you will get knee jerk reactions - is that what you are asking for? If my H slept with my friend, I would want to know why, what went wrong with us, if he was a piece of work or messed up. These things do happen when people are lonely. No less painful for you, but true. My vote is forgive unless you know it was cruel with intent, and examine the emotions in your M. Good luck with this heartache. What happened probably wasn't directed at you. how can she have sex with other man without intent ? everytime some one cheats can come up with countless excuses to justify it. u do need a serious discussion with ur partner to figure out if it is fixable . best of luck
mark982 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 je50, working off shore is hard on relationships(been there,done it). but i don't really think you'll be able to overcome the trust issues while being gone 4 weeks at a time. and i don't believe at all that she felt so guilty that she was afraid to tell you,she was just hoping you never found out. i think it's time you lawyer up,this relationship ain't going to workout. years ago i tried to make mine work while working offshore(flew out of venice,la.) but once the trusts gone---it's gone. have you and your (former) best friend had a CHAT about this?
road Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 je50 When did you find out? How did you find out? How long was the affair? Where is the OM now? It took you four years to get here no need to rush on making important decisions.
seibert253 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm sorry, maybe it's just me. No matter how much love I feel for "my" son, everytime I would see him, I know I would focus on what she did, and the result of it. Then you compound it with lies, deceit and cover up, no, I'm sorry, she would be out the door. You need to contact an attorney right now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I take it you and her have a firstborn son and that is yours biologically. Your wife is an idiot and if she isnt commited to rebuilding your marriage, then what's the point??? I put an abortion on the table. because i know for myself couldnt bear to see the result of her affair and be financially responsible for raising the rest of my life. Or adoption. Does anyone else know about the affair??? It's either that or divorce. Sometimes men can raise kids that arent theirs, but damn your best friend??? and she didnt even wear protection. I would have killed him. Literally. The choice is yours.
StarChick Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Divorce her and fight for at least joint custody. Your boy is as much yours as if he was yours biologically. It sounds like he loves his daddy, and his daddy loves him. No one should take that away from you. Know your rights and do your homework. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I've seen this kind of stuff in my own family. Granted, not to such a degree, but it still sucked. This makes me want to cry.
2sunny Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 i didn't think you could get a dna test done on your own. isn't it done by blood work by a lab and takes a while to get results back? and how do you tell if the baby is in utero and it's a home test? something is off with this story...
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 i didn't think you could get a dna test done on your own. isn't it done by blood work by a lab and takes a while to get results back? and how do you tell if the baby is in utero and it's a home test? something is off with this story... I heard they have like home dna test kits now sold at drug stores! unbelievable! So if you want results but cant afford that 500$ DDC test, then your next best option is the other one.
2sunny Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I heard they have like home dna test kits now sold at drug stores! unbelievable! So if you want results but cant afford that 500$ DDC test, then your next best option is the other one. how do you do that if the baby hasn't arrived yet?
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 how do you do that if the baby hasn't arrived yet? Huh? I thought the baby was already here? Well if that's the case i heard of the test that doctors can do dna testing when the baby is partially developed inside the womb. I forgot the name of the procedure but it's 50 /50 light risk. But that's a definite way. The other is wait for the baby is born, which is something i dont think i could do. If this guy has a biological kid with her already, firstborn he should just file and go for physical custody if the wife isnt determined to do everything in her power to fix this.
2sunny Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 the way it's written isn't clear. he's either referring to the 4 year old or a new pregnancy. i originally thought he was indicating a new pregnancy - but i could be wrong.
Author je50 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Thank you everyone for your advice. Just to clear things up a bit..Yes I have a 4yr old son that is biologically mine. I asked my wife all of the usual questions anyone would ask when i found out about this. The only answer I got was that it felt good to be wanted by someone else. But it wasnt a one time thing. She says they had sex 3 times,and of course she says that it didn't mean anything. whatever. I was doing everything I should as a husband at the time so it was really a smack in the face when I found all of this out. But all I really get from her now is that shes sorry and that it won't happen again. But like I said before I have trust issues. You can get dna tests done easily and cheaply now. I think I paid $75 for the one I took. Just feel embarassed and alone in all of this. Everyone I know as far as friends go I know through her. And the one friend that I thought I could talk to and trust with something like this was f*ckn my wife. Just really sucks. Edited January 11, 2010 by je50 misspelled words
Author je50 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Also when this all came out,she said she went to try and get an abortion. But the clinic told her she was too early in her pregnancy to have one and to come back later on but she couldnt go through with it. My response was well if you couldnt go through with it then you shouldve told me everything then. All she said was that she couldn't do it. I honestly believe that if I didn't get the dna test done,she wouldn't have ever told me.
Author je50 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Yes 2Sunny I have a 4 yr old and my wife was pregnant by someone else
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