HeyThere Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 (edited) Originally Posted by umpa-lumpa My H is very abrupt with me quite often. I feel he hasn't looked at me in that loving way for well over a year (he always told me I was crazy) he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single and pretty much everything I do is not done correctly, so he takes over and tells me not to bother bcz he only has to clean up after me anyway....I don't know anymore.....but I'm still hanging in And I have no doubt that he loves you now, I have many doubts that she is currently loved by her husband. Lack of interest in her, deriding marriage in general(?), derogatory comments about her to friends and family, expressing his displeasure at her ability to do things correctly, uninterested in her feelings, having an affair, showing no remorse for the affair… is not a partner that feels love for another. Brokenlady please explain yourself, because this comment has me scratching my scalp? Edited January 15, 2010 by HeyThere
TerryW Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I'm 8 months out from D-day today. The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it is the thing that bothers me the most about your posts. Of course they don't want to talk about it but they must accept responsibliity. WH "seeing" my pain and just having to watch me bleed is the single most effective way that I know he is getting it and won't do it again. I need to know that he is truly remoseful and by showing the pain and seeing if/how he handles it gives me insite into how he is really feeling. Good luck.
Author umpa-lumpa Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I'm 8 months out from D-day today. The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it is the thing that bothers me the most about your posts. Of course they don't want to talk about it but they must accept responsibliity. WH "seeing" my pain and just having to watch me bleed is the single most effective way that I know he is getting it and won't do it again. I need to know that he is truly remoseful and by showing the pain and seeing if/how he handles it gives me insite into how he is really feeling. Good luck. Hi Terry, I'm sorry that u have experienced this pain as well. I am still in SO much pain, but I haven't said a word to my WH in fear of losing him. We go about our days as if nothing has changed. When those fears and misgivings creep in, I just get quiet and deal with it myself...hoping it will go away and pass. I can't even imagine being at the 8 month mark. Will we make it at the rate we r goin? How can I know if he is truly remorseful, not just sorry bcz he got caught? Can an A just b swept under the rug and a M stay in tact?...esp. when I have this gut wrenching feeling that he is still in contact with the OW? Any words of advice will help. I feel like I am stuck in this spot and any move I make will rock the boat and he may leave. THAT SCARES ME MORE THEN STAYING LIKE THIS IN OUR M. Thanks for your time and kind words.
TerryW Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Yes, the A can be just swept under the rug. No, you shouldn't do it. I know about the pain. If it's a recent discovery the pain will be all day every day. As months pass you will be able to have better days. The pain hasn't gone away for me yet. It's sneeky...comes like a sharp knife. YOU have to be able to get this out. Please keep reading this forum and you'll get some good advice. For me to know my WH is truly remoseful he has to be working on this with me. He has to be willing to do the hard stuff like accept responsibilty for his actions. If you just let this go and keep it inside it will happen again. And again. Read everything on affairs that you can get your hands on. Some books are just crap but the one that has helped me the most is "Getting past the affair" by Douglas Snyder. It took me about 3 months before I could start reading. Another thing that helped me was figuring out just what kind of A I was dealing with. Who knew that there were 4 classes of affairs? "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It's okay to pretend for a few days to give yourself time to recoup but this has to be dealt with if you are ever going to make it work. Definate NC from your spouse/OW is first and foremost. Hard question to ask but you must ask it. "Are you willing to have NC with OW?" This is the first step to see if he's willing to work on this with you. Others here can help with that more that I can. Keep coming back and you'll make it. We are here to support you in this.
1Angel Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It doesn't sound like he is remorseful. You not telling anyone in your family or friend circle? Too damn bad. He doesn't want you to bring it up with him? <---classic not remorseful or sorry for cheating. Where is he showing that he cares or that he is sorry he hurt you?! Do not fear losing him. He does not deserve you. It also sounds like he's still cheating just better at hiding it.
Author umpa-lumpa Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Yes, the A can be just swept under the rug. No, you shouldn't do it. I know about the pain. If it's a recent discovery the pain will be all day every day. As months pass you will be able to have better days. The pain hasn't gone away for me yet. It's sneeky...comes like a sharp knife. YOU have to be able to get this out. Please keep reading this forum and you'll get some good advice. For me to know my WH is truly remoseful he has to be working on this with me. He has to be willing to do the hard stuff like accept responsibilty for his actions. If you just let this go and keep it inside it will happen again. And again. Read everything on affairs that you can get your hands on. Some books are just crap but the one that has helped me the most is "Getting past the affair" by Douglas Snyder. It took me about 3 months before I could start reading. Another thing that helped me was figuring out just what kind of A I was dealing with. Who knew that there were 4 classes of affairs? "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It's okay to pretend for a few days to give yourself time to recoup but this has to be dealt with if you are ever going to make it work. Definate NC from your spouse/OW is first and foremost. Hard question to ask but you must ask it. "Are you willing to have NC with OW?" This is the first step to see if he's willing to work on this with you. Others here can help with that more that I can. Keep coming back and you'll make it. We are here to support you in this. Hi again Terry, Did your H talk about it with u?...right away?...I mean my H spoke about it the first 5 days or so, said he was sorry, said that all ties with us to the OW were broken and he was going to work it out with "his family". Since then, as I said neither one of us has mentioned a word. At times I am okay, but at other times my skin is crawling. When will that go away? I don't know if I really want specific details, mayb bcz I did know her and know she is a very beautiful, nice, almost perfect woman and to think my H with her just scares me even more. He says/said there was/is NC, but that's just it...I don't believe him. When I found that phone number on the bill and called it, I never even mentioned it to him. Should I just leave since he isn't giving me anything as far as support goes. I think he knows I'm scared that he is gonna leave. Don't get me wrong, he is being "fine" with me, a few normal arguements here and there...but I feel like I'm the one walking on eggshells...and it should be him!!!...Can I ask what the 4 kinds of affairs r that u were talking about...bcz in my gut, I believe my H was very much in love with the OW..I think has been 4 quite some time. Please help
OWoman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I feel like I am stuck in this spot and any move I make will rock the boat and he may leave. THAT SCARES ME MORE THEN STAYING LIKE THIS IN OUR M. UL, you would rather stay the way things currently are - always worrying that he might up and off if you asked for some respect or consideration - than have him leave, or leave yourself? That worries me. The way things are now does not seem to me sustainable. The fact that you're posting here, sounding pretty stressed, indicates to me that you're not really OK with how things are now, either. Sooner or later it's going to all fall down... You describe yourself walking on eggs. No one should live like that. You need to start taking care of yourself. He clearly is not interested in doing that.
silktricks Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 UL - why do you love him? What about him is lovable? Why do you so badly want to remain married to him? He treats you badly. He speaks of you and marriage in general in a derogatory manner He belittles you in front of others He tries to make you feel incompetent He lies to you He cheated on you. He won't speak to you about important things He is controlling He won't let you be yourself You are afraid all the time What is there you want to keep? Please, please, please do go to IC. Hopefully this will help you realize that you deserve to be treated well, and you currently are being treated badly. You need to love yourself enough to take care of your own well-being. (((hugs)))
bittersweet memories Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) Hi again Terry, Did your H talk about it with u?...right away?...I mean my H spoke about it the first 5 days or so, said he was sorry, said that all ties with us to the OW were broken and he was going to work it out with "his family". Since then, as I said neither one of us has mentioned a word. At times I am okay, but at other times my skin is crawling. When will that go away? I don't know if I really want specific details, mayb bcz I did know her and know she is a very beautiful, nice, almost perfect woman and to think my H with her just scares me even more. He says/said there was/is NC, but that's just it...I don't believe him. When I found that phone number on the bill and called it, I never even mentioned it to him. Should I just leave since he isn't giving me anything as far as support goes. I think he knows I'm scared that he is gonna leave. Don't get me wrong, he is being "fine" with me, a few normal arguements here and there...but I feel like I'm the one walking on eggshells...and it should be him!!!...Can I ask what the 4 kinds of affairs r that u were talking about...bcz in my gut, I believe my H was very much in love with the OW..I think has been 4 quite some time. Please help Im not sure if you are aware..but the OW in your situation posted here as well. Same exact story but a little more detail... Im sorry to say but your husband is still not being honest with you. hmmm..Im trying to find the thread but it looks like it has been deleted. Edited January 21, 2010 by bittersweet memories
StillFighting Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I think there is a difference between neither of you talking about the situation for a few days so that you both have time to think and neither of you talking about the affair and hoping it will just go away. My H was very much the same in not wanting to talk about it. It felt to me he just wanted to push everything under the rug. At first, I demanded that he talk to me about it. I was desperate, I cried, I ranted, I wanted details. I realized that was pushing him further and further away toward the OW, who during that period was much more appealling I am sure (something he flat out admitted). It was shortly after that realization that I made the commitment to myself to do what I NEEDED for me. I re-arranged my focus. I started realizing that it was okay NOT to talk about the affair every day and try to push for answers. BUT, I also told him that I would not let it just die until we got to the bottom of it. (This is all just in the past few weeks). Similar to what another poster mentioned, I finally decided that worse case scenario was NOT living a life without him (as I had initially thought). I realized worst case was sitting at home miserable feeling like I was being taken advantage of. Being completely in love with someone who was not treating me with respect. When you really sit back and look at your situation, can you honestly be happy the way you are right now? I started taking time for me. I made plans for myself and stopped letting my days revolve around him and the A. I told him I would give him time to think and gave an ultimatum. Though I did not want to leave, I told him that I would and began making concrete plans for that transition. I knew that I would have to "walk the talk" and was committed to doing that. By showing him I was back to my STRONG self and demanding action from him and being clear about my intent, he actually took time to focus on what was happening. And he has started to come around. He ended it with the OW, has begun being open and honest with me about why the A happened and what he got out of it...and I finally feel like we are working as a team. Sure, this is ultimately what I wanted. But at the same point, I was prepared (and still am) to look after ME and my well being. I think you need to make that same decision. IC helped me, as did reading a ton of literature on affairs and getting through them. When it comes down to it, YOU are the only one who will be with YOU every second of every day. You need to be able to live with yourself...isn't it better to live comfortably in your own thoughts/heart than to be in such turmoil and distress each day? The pain of the A and the deceit has not gone away from me...I still think about it and get the anger and the jealousy and the hurt...but my way of dealing with it has certainly changed. I think the more you keep it bottled up inside of you, the worse it will be in the future. You need to talk to others about this. Start with IC, a third party...then friends and family...but ultimately you will need to talk to your husband about it. Either so the two of you can work out a relationship together, or so you can help heal yourself and move on. I am sending positive energy your way...you are 100% in control of your feelings and how you deal with them.
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