in need of guidance

[umpa-lumpa]

Hi, I just found out that my husband of almost 7 years was having an affair. Her husband found them at the hotel about a month ago. My husand and the otehr woman were friends for about 20 years. They dated about 18 years ago for a short time. She ended it with him. He had really fallen for her, but after some time away from her, he was able to control his feelings and just be friends. She actually introduced us (we worked together). We both have children and our son's are or should I say WERE best friends. We all used to get together every week for playdates.

 

About a year ago, I came upon the fact thru our cell phone bill that they had been texting ALOT...on average 250 texts a day, sum days. He explained it away saying I was crazy, that they were just friends etc...however when I tried to change the password on our account, he called me on it, changed it back and then blocked me from having any access to the bill at all.

 

Also about 2 weeks prior to them being caught I found another text from her to him on his phone. He again said I was being paranoid. I asked him at that point for us to take a break from seeing her every week for the playdates and just take time for us and our son. He said he would give us about a 1 week break, but that they would always be friends. He said I wasn't going to tell him who he could be friends with. I was quite upset considering he was willing to put our marriage on the line for their friendship.

 

Right after they were caught he was remorseful, for about 1 week. Then he told he he doesn't EVER want it brought up again. I know nothing...not how long, no details, no nothing and we never discuss it. But I do have full access to the cellphone bill again and they have not had contact. However he does have an office line at his job, which I obviously can't track.

 

My question is how are we/I going to get thru this? Counseling is not an option - HE WOULD NEVER GO...he is not talkative to begin with. He is a wonderful father and I truly do love him, but how can I go on this way? Will we make it without counseling? Any advice is appreciated, especially since sometimes I feel like he might just be staying for our son...this is just eating me up alive. I feel inadequate, jealous, hurt, betrayed, confused, paniced...the list goes on...please help ASAP.

[FryFish]

Then he told he he doesn't EVER want it brought up again

Tell the ******* that that IS NOT AN OPTION if he wants to remain in the marriage... and mean it.

[Space Ritual]

I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

At this pointy I would say that if your husband shows any remorse its for him getting caught and not for screwing around on you.

 

Cheaters are like terrorists...they lie in wait until your guard is down and BLAM!!! you will get it again.

 

At this point I suggest you in the short term see a doctor and get tested for STD's. If he has been screwing your friend, who is to say he hasnt been screwing other women as well.

 

His cavalier attitude shows a complete disregard for his vows and I think it will be safe to assume that they will pick up right where they left off.

 

He can tell you anything till he is blue in the face but is not to be believed.

 

After you see a doctor, then get an appointment with a lawyer, and I also suggest you file for divorce as soonb as possible.

I do not see any reconciliation or an epiphany comning on his part.

 

He will just get better at hiding the truth....I think you havce everything you already really need to know,. I mean they got caught red-handed.

 

Her has to exhibit by action that this is a thing of the past before you should even consider staying with him...Frankly Id pack his bags and escort him to your friends' house and ring the doorbell. When she answers drop a bag on her foot and tell her "Hi! He's your problem now"!

Edited January 9, 2010 by Space Ritual
Spelling

[lkjh]

this is one of the cases where I feel that it is perfectly ok for the woman to divorce and take all of his stuff/money

[2sunny]

SHE is obviously a priority more than you and the M. he got a new phone - i guarantee it.

 

IF he's not willing to change everything - including contact with her (it needs to be zero) and prove to you at every turn that he's not contacted her - then leave, divorce him. you may even need to move far away, some folks do.

 

he's still seeing her - he's just hiding it better.

 

full disclosure on EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you need to know is imperative if the M is to heal. the way it is now - you just allowed him to put a band aid on a bullet wound and pretended the wound wasn't there.

[umpa-lumpa]

Thank you all for your responses. Maybe I am being niave, but my thought about him "not wanting to talk about it at all" I thought was his way of puting it behind us. He said if we are going to stay together he doesn't want to keep rehashing it.

 

I also don't believe there are any other women. My husband is not a cheater by trade. He and the other woman had a close friendship...one I often felt I couldn't compete with. She just seemed like the perfect woman to me, and obviously him. She is tall, blonde in shape, the kind that is always hit on. She takes EXCELLANT care of her kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner etc...how am I to compete??? I am not the best home maker, hate cleaning, am of average looks...but I do love him. He does SO much around the house where I tend to slack off. My son is SO attached to him...he is the "mommy" in our relationship...what am I supposed to do??? I love him, but I feel SO angry and I find I spend most of my time now trying 2 c if I can find any evidence. How do I break this cycle of craziness?

[road]

You have the right to know everthing that went on. Don't be bullied.

[umpa-lumpa]

Again, thank you everyone for your help...all the kind words go A LONG way. Just to clarify a few things...as far as I know the A has ended...he swears that there has been NC however there is phone at his office that I obviously cannot monitor. Just this past weekend I got our last month's home phonebill. There was an unrecognizible number on the bill 2 days after they were caught at the hotel. It was a one hour convo, but funny that number was not on my caller ID that day when I came home from work. (That is the other correction, I am not a stay at home Mom, I work 4 days a week). Anyway I called that number and it went right to a voicemail, but only a recorded message. I haven't confronted my husband, but I did call that number from my work number intentionally not blocking my number. Everyone always talks about FULL DISCLOSURE...the only FD I have is our cell phone bill...he will not give me his passwords to any of his accounts...FB, My Space or his email...but they are no longer friends on FB...I am not sure about My Space, but he hasn't logged on there since late December...I am not stupid and in my head I realize that if nothing is being hidden, why can't I have full access...but I must say he does log on to his FB account infront of me now, when he never used to in the past. If he won't even talk about the affair, how do I get him to give me full disclosure? To threaten divorce, when I don't really mean it can't get me anywhere can it?

 

Also, one person had suggested that I tell the OW-H about this...he already knows...he caught them at the hotel...I have actually spoken to him 2x..First time was about 2 days after he caught them. I tried to give him a viewing of what I thought of his wife, but now looking back I was ranting about how she was throwing herself at my H...as if she dragged him to cheat. Then I spoke to him about 2 weeks later. My H was going to his Xmas party and I texted her H to verify with him that she would b home that night...needless to say, he told her about it and her friend called my house and told me to stay away. She said to stick to fixing her marriage bcz the OW and her H were working on theirs. Then her friend left my H a similar message on his cell. He was SO mad at me, said that all contact with THEM is gonna stop and if I was going to keep second guess him when he says hes going out to his xmas party, then this was going to have to be over. And just a side note, my H is not one to go out all the time or anything.

 

As far as telling everyone in my/our family...I COULD NEVER DO THAT...at this point only my sister knows. I would be too embarrassed bcz I look like an idiot for staying with him and also I believe if I told everyone my H would get mad considering initially I had said I was keeping it quiet.

 

I know I am coming across like such a pathetic person, closing my eyes and just trying to hang on. I just keep putting all my hopes on the fact that if the OW is out of our lives (and yes, there are no more playdates at all...never will b) then my husband and I will be back on track or at least okay. Does anyone know if we will be able to make it without counseling? Because at this point, it is getting extremely difficult to go on without having menitioned ANYTHING about his A at all for about a month, and it's only been a month and a half since we found out. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in about a year, still in the dark about any detail whatsoever. I know if I ask my H anything or start making demands he will get mad. One of my biggest fears is that the only power I have is our son. I know it would kill my H to not c him everyday, which in my gut I feel is the major reason he is staying. My H is very abrupt with me quite often. I feel he hasn't looked at me in that loving way for well over a year (he always told me I was crazy) he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single and pretty much everything I do is not done correctly, so he takes over and tells me not to bother bcz he only has to clean up after me anyway....I don't know anymore.....but I'm still hanging in

[Bryanp]

I think you should see a lawyer to understand your options. You clearly are not a priority to him. Do you have any idea how long this sexual affair was going on and how long he was putting your health at risk for std's? He needs to get checked. It sounds like you are settling to remain with him and just happy to remained married. He sounds like he is just sorry he was caught. You deserve better than this.

[freestyle]

Oh honey, I feel for you...........

 

After reading this morning's post from you, it sounds to me like you are also being emotionally abused. Severely..........

 

A loving partner does not:

 

make comments in front of friends and family saying he wishes he were single.........

 

does not tell you that everything you do is done "incorrectly"

 

make you afraid to ask for the Truth about his indiscretions.

 

tell you that you're crazy..........

 

 

These are all forms of bullying. Constant fault-finding, nit-picking, criticism. Undermining your confidence. Denying your perceptions.

Invalidating your point of view. Isolating you, painting you in an unfavorable light in front of your friends and family..........Devaluing you.

Making you feel "less than".........Wearing you down.

 

And the icing on the cake, .......telling you that you're crazy. It's called,

"Gaslighting". It's an insidious, ugly form of mental abuse commonly used by remorseless cheaters.

 

Rather than own up to their bad behavior, they try to make their partner

second-guess their own perceptions.

 

"You're making a mountain out of a mole hill."

 

"It's all in your head.."

 

"You're just jealous and insecure........"

 

And it leaves the partner starting to doubt themselves. It's a very clever

(and cruel) deflection. Emotional sleight-of-hand. Turning the tables so the focus is back on you. Smoke and mirrors.

 

 

If you go to Google, there are several good websites about emotional abuse, and gaslighting. There's some great, enlightening articles you can read.

 

You can empower yourself-with knowledge.And awareness.

 

 

P.S. your H is the pathetic one, NOT YOU!!! Only an insecure weenie needs to put someone else down, to the extent your H has done to you....

[OWoman]

To threaten divorce, when I don't really mean it can't get me anywhere can it?

 

UL, it sounds as if he holds all the cards. You don't want a D. Yet he states quite happily:

 

he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single

 

So, he's acting as if it's no big deal to him - but you don't want to give ultimata because you don't want to have to back down, knowing you don't really want a D.

 

OTOH:

 

Everyone always talks about FULL DISCLOSURE...the only FD I have is our cell phone bill...he will not give me his passwords to any of his accounts...FB, My Space or his email...but they are no longer friends on FB...I am not sure about My Space, but he hasn't logged on there since late December...I am not stupid and in my head I realize that if nothing is being hidden, why can't I have full access...but I must say he does log on to his FB account infront of me now, when he never used to in the past. If he won't even talk about the affair, how do I get him to give me full disclosure?

 

and

 

As far as telling everyone in my/our family...I COULD NEVER DO THAT...at this point only my sister knows. I would be too embarrassed bcz I look like an idiot for staying with him and also I believe if I told everyone my H would get mad considering initially I had said I was keeping it quiet.

 

As if it's HIS place to get mad about that!! You're allowed to change your mind - same way he changed his mind, having promised to love you and cherish you way back when you married....!

 

and....

 

Because at this point, it is getting extremely difficult to go on without having menitioned ANYTHING about his A at all for about a month, and it's only been a month and a half since we found out. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in about a year, still in the dark about any detail whatsoever. I know if I ask my H anything or start making demands he will get mad.

 

This is not a man wanting to reconcile. This is a man who wants you to get back in your box and let him get on with his, as he sees fit.

 

This is not a man investing in a M.

 

This is not a loving H.

 

You ask:

 

Does anyone know if we will be able to make it without counseling?

 

I think your M problems go way beyond the A. This man is emotionally abusive to you, and shows absolutely no remorse for the A and no willingness to work on the M.

 

You have two choices:

 

* Accept the M as it is. You will never hear the truth about the A - or any other he chooses to have at any point in his life, given that he's clearly checked out of the M and is going to turn his loving somewhere else. He will never treat you well or become the H you (thought you) knew and loved. He has told you, and shown you, that he's unwilling to go there and invest in the M. He may be staying - at least in body; at least for now - but his heart isn't in it. At any moment a "better" option could come along and he'd simply pack a bag and leave. He's checked out, and is just treading water and hoping you'll get off his back and make it easier for him while he does so.

 

OR

 

* You can decide that this is not how you're prepared to live, and not what you're prepared to expose your kids to. That, if he can't love you and treat you with respect, and build a loving M, a loving family and a loving home with you, he has no place in your home. That, if he's unwilling to show remorse and work on repairing the M, that he's not worth having around.

 

TBH, it sounds to me as though he was hoping he'd have some future with his "friend", and that her decision to stay and work on her M has left him betwixt and between, still hoping that her H will get tired of it and kick her out so that they can be together - at which point he'll up sticks and wave his fond farewells to you. It really does sound to me as if he's just treading water until he can make his move. This does not sound like a man who wants to stay in a M with you.

 

Perhaps he's hoping you'll toss him out, so that his MOW can see that he's available and muster the courage to leave her own M, IDK. But one thing is for sure - the longer you put up with this toxic treatment in your M, the harder it will be for you to forge a healthy R - either with this man or with someone else, because your self-esteem will be eaten away to nothing. This is not good for you, and it's certainly damaging to your son. Please stop the abuse now - before it is too late!

[StillFighting]

"As far as telling everyone in my/our family...I COULD NEVER DO THAT...at this point only my sister knows. I would be too embarrassed bcz I look like an idiot for staying with him and also I believe if I told everyone my H would get mad considering initially I had said I was keeping it quiet."

 

 

Please do not hide this situation from your friends and family. I do not think you need to tell everyone, but believe me...you will get so much strength from telling the people who care about you and your husband. My situation has a lot of similarities to yours in terms of my husband trying to maintain his "friendship", etc. and not talking about the affair (unless he is forced). I am about three months in to finding out about everything. I was very nervous about telling people, particularly my family because if my husband and I worked it out (which I wished we would and still do), I did not want them to have hard feelings or hold a grudge against him. But I soon realized, I needed support and so do you.

 

Telling others that your spouse had an affair is nothing to be embarassed about. Unfortunately, through this experience I have learned that it is more common that I would ever have thought...by opening up to others and hearing about their experiences, I gain insight that is helping me grow. I have found great strength in talking to his family as well. I know in my case, everyone I have told has just been an ear to listen. No one is telling me that I am an "idiot" for staying with my husband. Everyone just wants ME to be healthy and happy and to do what I need to do. Multiple people have told me they will be supportive in whatever I choose to do. I am sure it will be the same for you.

 

I was also concerned about my husband getting mad, because he is very concerned about what other people think. However, I quickly realized, he had NO concern for my feelings or my well-being while he was seeing this other woman or lying to be with her...so why on earth should I make myself suffer on his account. Do not let yourself fall into that trap of making yourself worse so that he doesn't get upset. This is where I was for several weeks, which was so emotionally upsetting that I now am suffering physically and my immune system is a wreck.

 

I am still as unclear as you are about my future. I love my husband, I want to be married to him, I want to believe he is not really talking to this other woman anymore and though I am ready to leave physically for awhile, I am not ready to call a divorce yet. HOWEVER, I also know that I am the only one who can take care of my and my well-being. In your case, you also have your child to look out for. Do whatever you need for the two of you to be happy and healthy. Put yourselves as the first priorty.

[HeyThere]

umpa-lumpa you’re taking many lumps of coal to your emotions. Your husband doesn’t want to recognize your hurt feelings or his indiscretions, hence the no talk rule. He is unremorseful about this affair and you feel bad that his affair partner has her act together? Insecure people such as your husband tend to manipulate situations in their favor as long as the offended party permits it. If you allow him to treat you like a doormat he will continue to do that. Reexamine your belief system about you and marriage; turn the image around and see another in your position. How would you feel about what outcome would be appropriate if this friend, family member were in your shoes. Read your posts as if you’re reading someone else’s situation. Get a new perspective on life.

[on1wheel]

First & foremost, I am so sorry for what ur going through. You are where I was 2 yrs ago. My wife of 3 yrs @ the time had an affair for several months. She continued to lie for a month afterwards before I said "that's enough, I've done all I can, I want a divorce & custody of our 19 month old baby". Then suddenly she was willing to do what I needed:

- full disclose

- no contact

- MC & willing to talk whenever I needed to

- signed a contract stating that if she did it again she leaves the house with nothing but the few things she came into the relationship with

Even though I have all of that, even though I only stayed for the sake of my baby, even though my wife today seems as if she is a totally different woman & does sooo much for me; there isn't a single day that I don't suffer from her A

Some things, once broken, can never be repaired...I appear to be one of them. I know I gave up on my need for true happiness, but I gave someone else it instead...my beautiful daughter. I would die for her, so just being sad should be a walk in the park.

Sadly ur husband gives you nothing to ease ur pain. He is not in-love with you I assure you. He will cheat again, he is still talking to her @ his office; those are th facts.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP, before you are the one blindsided by a D.

He will not change, as he has shown he doesn't think he did anything wrong. You deserve soooo much better & you will find it; not if ur with him though.

I wish you all the best.

[umpa-lumpa]

Hi again...am I COMPLETELY crazy for thinking my H isn't abusing me emotionally or still sneaking around? I keep thinking he doesn't want to talk about it because he just wants to move forward with me. Am I being totally stupid?? I mean I know that he and the OW were friends for 20 years and they dated briefly about 18 years ago (plus he tried to hook up with her right after we met)...but isn't it possible that he is just being private, doesn't want to bring it up anymore and just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe he's just trying to keep his family together??? Me, him and our son??? Please...any advice is helpful and SO desperately needed.

[Minnie09]

Umpa lumpa, it's not abt your husband anymore, it's about you and your feelings.

What do you want? This is the question you have to ask yourself now.

And how do you get it? This is the next step.

If all you want is to save your M then you can't do it all by yourself. He needs to cooperate and be willing to work on your M, even more than you.

If you meet all his demands now ( not talking about it and keeping quiet, moving on as if nothing has happened), I guarantee you it's not going to make your M happy and satisfying for yourself. Your H? I don't know. He seems to be fine if you play along. But only because it's more pleasant for him not to be reminded of his guilt.

You need an open discussion, he has to be upfront, otherwise you'll always feel like a fool and he'll know it. He is using your weakness.

Stand up for yourself and your family, your son.

[freestyle]

Umpa,

 

Please go back and re-read the last paragraph you wrote in post #8.

 

If your H treats that way on a regular basis, (or even at all), staying with him is only going to erode your self-esteem and self-confidence even further.

 

No-one, but no-one, should ever stand for being talked down to, gossiped about, lied to,.............by their significant other. Ever.

 

So far it seems your H has suffered no tangible consequences for his mistreatment of you.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself, you're sending him the message that it's okay for him to abuse you.

 

He is in no position to be making demands, or dictating to you how you're supposed to handle the fact that he betrayed you.

 

He has beaten your sense of worth down so far that he's tricked you into thinking that he holds all the cards, and you have nothing.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth.................

[HeyThere]

Hi again...am I COMPLETELY crazy for thinking my H isn't abusing me emotionally or still sneaking around?

 

Not crazy – unwilling to look at the fact that he is trying to control you and keep you in a place that suits him.

 

I keep thinking he doesn't want to talk about it because he just wants to move forward with me. Am I being totally stupid??

 

Not stupid – the pain inflicted by him may feel too overwhelming to let it in.

 

I mean I know that he and the OW were friends for 20 years and they dated briefly about 18 years ago (plus he tried to hook up with her right after we met)...but isn't it possible that he is just being private, doesn't want to bring it up anymore and just pretend it didn't happen?

 

Yeah, he’s pretending it didn’t happen, so that you can pretend as well.

 

Maybe he's just trying to keep his family together??? Me, him and our son??? Please...any advice is helpful and SO desperately needed.

 

Unfortunately, your husband is using you in a very unhealthy way. He doesn’t respect you or the marriage. Your self esteem has been battered for a long time. You’re receiving excellent advice here and in The Other Man/ Woman forum however, I’m not sure you’re willing to listen to it? Are you?

 

You are in a lot of pain and fearful of change – deal with the pain first, any change will happen when you are ready for it to. Create a support network away from the marriage, that you trust with your life; family member(s), friend(s), individual counselor. Your virtual world is a different part of your support network.

[skywriter]

My H is very abrupt with me quite often. I feel he hasn't looked at me in that loving way for well over a year (he always told me I was crazy) he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single and pretty much everything I do is not done correctly, so he takes over and tells me not to bother bcz he only has to clean up after me anyway....I don't know anymore.....but I'm still hanging in

 

 

umpa,

 

Reading this, kinda took me back in time, reminded me, of when my own marriage was progressively ending, and it made me very sad for you.

[HeyThere]

My H is very abrupt with me quite often. I feel he hasn't looked at me in that loving way for well over a year (he always told me I was crazy) he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single and pretty much everything I do is not done correctly, so he takes over and tells me not to bother bcz he only has to clean up after me anyway....I don't know anymore.....but I'm still hanging in

 

Ouch, ouch and more ouch!

 

One more bit of advice, when looking for an individual counselor, pick one that your gut tells you is good/great. Generally they come in three basic varieties psychiatry, psychology and social worker. A psychiatrist is a M.D. and can prescribe drugs, be alert of those that push drugs for the sake of drugs. A psychologist is a Ph. D. and can provide talk therapy only. A social worker may have a bachelor’s, or master’s and in rare cases a Ph. D. and also provide talk therapy only.

 

I’ve seen all three types and have found the psychiatrists and psychologists to be higher quality professional’s. You may want to test drive a few before you make a decision. A little caution will go a long way in selecting the best professional. In my area fees are between $150 and $250 per 50 minutes and well worth the investment for a top notch professional. You can justify the expense as a life giving treatment.

Edited January 13, 2010 by HeyThere

[umpa-lumpa]

Hi again...God knows I'm still struggling for the most part, but is it normal that we are having good days? At times his A has totally left my head. I am at the moment going to start looking for an IC because I know he won't go for MC. There must be some kind of problem with me seeing how I am able to just do as he wants by not mentioning it, but the only diff is that on my end I am trying to wish it away. I'm hoping the IC will help me.

 

I have read all the posts and hear the general agreement that most of the replies have said they believe my H and the OW are still in contact. Are there any signs I can look for? You are all saying that usually the two people involved in the affair, rarely end contact. My H is not acting any different, either being mean or overly nice...he's just being himself...so possibly he realized he made a mistake and is now faithful to me.

 

I have made hints toward talking about it to feel him out but he didn't bite. I just can't bring myself to give him an utimatium which I am almost 100% sure I will not be able to carry out. If I approach him nicely, on a "let's talk about it" level, I'm hoping he might see where I'm coming from and give me some information...although, half of me doesn't think I can face it and I don't know if I want to re-hash everything again myself...I WISH SHE COULD JUST STAY IN THE PAST AND OUT OF MY HEAD.

[HeyThere]

“I deserve all good things that life has to offer” - keep repeating it out loud first thing every day; put it up on a wall that you look at regularly.

 

 

"I feel inadequate, jealous, hurt, betrayed, confused, paniced...the list goes on...please help ASAP"

 

These feelings don’t go away because you wish them to.

 

Hi again...God knows I'm still struggling for the most part, but is it normal that we are having good days?

 

You will struggle with this for a while; the important point is that you are not going to let it get you unwilling to speak up for yourself.

 

At times his A has totally left my head. I am at the moment going to start looking for an IC because I know he won't go for MC.

 

You’re going to take care of you!

 

There must be some kind of problem with me seeing how I am able to just do as he wants by not mentioning it, but the only diff is that on my end I am trying to wish it away. I'm hoping the IC will help me.

 

Tell him how he makes you feel and if he tells you to put a cork in it, tell him how that makes you feel… you get the picture.

 

I have read all the posts and hear the general agreement that most of the replies have said they believe my H and the OW are still in contact. Are there any signs I can look for? You are all saying that usually the two people involved in the affair, rarely end contact. My H is not acting any different, either being mean or overly nice...he's just being himself...so possibly he realized he made a mistake and is now faithful to me.

 

Stop trying to over think this affair. Your husband is unremorseful, unrepentant, unapologetic, unreformed, unchanged, unbothered… about this affair, this attitude speaks so loudly.

 

I have made hints toward talking about it to feel him out but he didn't bite.

 

Tell him how he makes you feel and if he tells you to put a cork in it, tell him how that makes you feel. You’ll repeat this until the cows come home.

 

I just can't bring myself to give him an utimatium which I am almost 100% sure I will not be able to carry out. If I approach him nicely, on a "let's talk about it" level, I'm hoping he might see where I'm coming from and give me some information...although, half of me doesn't think I can face it and I don't know if I want to re-hash everything again myself...I WISH SHE COULD JUST STAY IN THE PAST AND OUT OF MY HEAD.

 

It is not realistic thinking that the affair is just one issue that will go away and everything will be fine. You are dealing with several issues.

[HeyThere]

UL

 

It’s a good idea to challenge your husband on this affair, his commitment to the marriage, expressions of discontent (wishes he were single), why is he uninterested in you, why the need for derogatory comments...

 

If he says he doesn’t want to talk about it, you tell him that you want to talk about it.

 

Tell him how he makes you feel and if he tells you to put a cork in it, tell him how that makes you feel. You’ll repeat this until the cows come home. (repeat is the operative word)

 

If he tells you he loves you to shut you up, challenge him on all the issues above and more.

 

Tell him how you feel.

 

If he says we’ll talk some other time, tell him the other time is now!

 

You’ll cut him no slack, whatsoever, he hasn’t earned your respect.

 

Don’t be in love with the idea of being in love.

Edited January 15, 2010 by HeyThere

[umpa-lumpa]

I NEED HELP!!!...Have u all experienced being cheated on by who u thought wz the luv of ur life??...If so, how did u handle the initial aftershock?(that is what I consider myself to be in right now). My birthday was just this past weekend...everything was as it was last year at this time...family came over for cake etc...H made me dinner. I don't know how to take the first step to confronting him. If any of u have had this experience, what happened in ur situation. Did ur spouse fold and give u what u wanted? Did he/she continue 2 lie to ur face? My gut is telling me that if I do confront my H he will tell me he IS in luv with me, but he doesn't want to dredge up the A. And secondly, if he does not respond in that way, how do I prepare myself emotionally 4 the fact that he mite blow his top and threaten to leave me. HOW DO I PREPARE MY SOUL 4 THE FACT THAT HE MITE NOT LUV ME, MAY HAVE NEVER TRULY LUVED ME AND THAT HE'S BIDING HIS TIME WITH OUR FAMILY ONLY BCZ HE IS GETTING EVERYTHING HIS WAY.

 

Thank you everyone:)

[Brokenlady]

I NEED HELP!!!...Have u all experienced being cheated on by who u thought wz the luv of ur life??...If so, how did u handle the initial aftershock?(that is what I consider myself to be in right now). My birthday was just this past weekend...everything was as it was last year at this time...family came over for cake etc...H made me dinner. I don't know how to take the first step to confronting him. If any of u have had this experience, what happened in ur situation. Did ur spouse fold and give u what u wanted? Did he/she continue 2 lie to ur face? My gut is telling me that if I do confront my H he will tell me he IS in luv with me, but he doesn't want to dredge up the A. And secondly, if he does not respond in that way, how do I prepare myself emotionally 4 the fact that he mite blow his top and threaten to leave me. HOW DO I PREPARE MY SOUL 4 THE FACT THAT HE MITE NOT LUV ME, MAY HAVE NEVER TRULY LUVED ME AND THAT HE'S BIDING HIS TIME WITH OUR FAMILY ONLY BCZ HE IS GETTING EVERYTHING HIS WAY.

 

Thank you everyone:)

 

If he gets mad and threatens to leave (rather than being ashamed and remorseful), then you aren't losing anything if he really does leave. But 97% of cheating married men don't leave the marriage. So it's very very unlikely you have anything to worry about in terms of him leaving.

 

You know in your heart that he loved you when you got married, and nothing he can say now will change that. And I have no doubt that he loves you now, but it may not be the kind of love you have for him at this point. But you desereve to know what you are dealing with and if he's honest, you have a chance to make things even better.

 

Try to keep in mind that he and how he feels about you doesn't determine your worth. Regardless of how he treats you or feels about you, you have to keep in your heart and mind that you are still a good and worthy person.