Brokenlady Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Hi again...am I COMPLETELY crazy for thinking my H isn't abusing me emotionally or still sneaking around? I keep thinking he doesn't want to talk about it because he just wants to move forward with me. Am I being totally stupid?? I mean I know that he and the OW were friends for 20 years and they dated briefly about 18 years ago (plus he tried to hook up with her right after we met)...but isn't it possible that he is just being private, doesn't want to bring it up anymore and just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe he's just trying to keep his family together??? Me, him and our son??? Please...any advice is helpful and SO desperately needed You aren't stupid for thinking all these things - you're just hopeful for all these things. (We all do it- OW are well known for convincing ourselves the MM will leave/divorce and we all know how rare that is.) There's nothing wrong with that, but please understand that it's highly unlikely that he's stopped contact with the OW permanently. Even in marriages that reconcile well, contact usually lingers for months. As for the other part - he's shoving it under the rug for a variety of reasons, but denial isn't going to help anything. Obviously something compelled him to cheat, and his unwillingness to go to counseling and figure out what that factor is predicts that he will keep cheating/cheat again. If he really and truly was remoreseful, he'd be trying to make you feel better about all this, not himself. He'd be doing whatever it took to save the marriage. The refusal to put forth that effort and care for your feelings is not a good sign. He's not truly remorseful.
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Oh good grief. What do you want, a painting-by-numbers picture?? Ok, I will try to do this in words of one syllable... Hi again...am I COMPLETELY crazy for thinking my H isn't abusing me emotionally or still sneaking around? No. You're not mad. Just wrong. I keep thinking he doesn't want to talk about it because he just wants to move forward with me. Am I being totally stupid?? Yes. You don't get it. The fact that he does not want to talk is not his choice. he has to make this up to to you. So if he does not want to talk that's his tough luck. You get to call the shots now. And you must tell him that it's your way or the high. Way. I mean I know that he and the OW were friends for 20 years and they dated briefly about 18 years ago (plus he tried to hook up with her right after we met) BIG HUGE FAT RED FLAG!!!!!... but isn't it possible that he is just being private, doesn't want to bring it up anymore and just pretend it didn't happen? He gave up this right the moment she spread her legs for him. He gave up this right the moment he screwed her. That was his choice. This is not! Maybe he's just trying to keep his family together??? Me, him and our son??? Yes, of course! but it's for his good, not yours!! He does not care what you think. He does not care what you want. he does not give a fat phukk for what you need! all he wants - is what he wants!! Please...any advice is helpful and SO desperately needed Phew! Made it! All words of one syllable. Hopefully now, you'll get it.
crazycatlady Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 It is not the affair that concerns me. If it were just the affair, I would easily say, Sure you can make it without counciling though it is harder. But concerns me is how he's treating you, how you view yourself in your marriage, and how you are being the contrite person here. He treats you horribly. You don't think he's being abusive, but when he tells you not to bother doing something because he will just have to do it right afterwards he's telling you you can't do anything right, but with prettier words. And what's worse is you agree with him! You agree with his right to put you down. You agree that he's better then you. Get into IC. You need to build up your self worth. Since at this moment you haven't the power in you to strongly deal with your H, let the affair go for right now and work on getting yourself built up again. Then, when you finally see your own worth, look him straight in the eye and tell him to go away until he can prove to you he's not cheating, with full and open disclosure on his part. But you have to learn that you are worthy of respect, and respect yourself and your own abilities. I don't think staying after an affair makes you weak - I'm doing the same thing - but I think letting him dictate everything to you because you don't feel worth standing up for, is weak. And you really need to build yourself up. And I don't think you can contront him, how he treats you, and the affair (or affairs by the time you build yourself up) until you learn to respect yourself. CCL
HeyThere Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Oompa Loompa doompadee doo I've got another puzzle for you Oompa Loompa doompadah dee If you are wise you'll listen to me What do you get from a glut of TV? A pain in the neck and an IQ of three Why don't you try simply reading these posts? Or could you just not bear to look? You'll get no You'll get no You'll get no You'll get no You'll get no commercials Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah If you're * greedy you will go far (i.e. “I deserve all that life has to offer”) You will live in happiness too Like the Oompa Oompa Loompa doompadee do Some words have been changed to protect umpa-lumpa
1Angel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I am willing to bet he is not in NC with OW. Demand respect or leave. It will not be easy but it will be better! You are too good for him.
Author umpa-lumpa Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Hi again...God knows I'm still struggling for the most part, but is it normal that we are having good days? At times his A has totally left my head. I am at the moment going to start looking for an IC because I know he won't go for MC. There must be some kind of problem with me seeing how I am able to just do as he wants by not mentioning it, but the only diff is that on my end I am trying to wish it away. I'm hoping the IC will help me. I have read all the posts and hear the general agreement that most of the replies have said they believe my H and the OW are still in contact. Are there any signs I can look for? You are all saying that usually the two people involved in the affair, rarely end contact. My H is not acting any different, either being mean or overly nice...he's just being himself...so possibly he realized he made a mistake and is now faithful to me. I have made hints toward talking about it to feel him out but he didn't bite. I just can't bring myself to give him an utimatium which I am almost 100% sure I will not be able to carry out. If I approach him nicely, on a "let's talk about it" level, I'm hoping he might see where I'm coming from and give me some information...although, half of me doesn't think I can face it and I don't know if I want to re-hash everything again myself...I WISH SHE COULD JUST STAY IN THE PAST AND OUT OF MY HEAD.
TaraMaiden Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 And I wish, just once, you could get angry. because your docile and placid approach is going to merely perpetuate and continue this situation. he's not going to do anything to change it. my guess is that he's cooling it with OW... with a view to letting things settle down before resuming activities. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. What would it take for him to make you angry enough to finally stand up for your rights as his wife, to be put first - ??
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 None of us change until the PAIN OF CHANGE IS LESS THAN THE PAIN OF STAYING THE SAME. And what I hear, is that you are not there yet. You have a high tolerance for pain. I think everyone on this board would have left by now, but of course, we are not in your shoes. As far as recognizing the signs of cheating, you will not see any. He hid this for 20 years, he can do it again. The strange number was 100% her. They are setting up a new way to communicate. I think perhaps you need to just accept for now that he is not remorseful, does not want to talk about it, that you can't stand up to him, and that he will continue to get some on the side. Then when you can't stand this anymore, you will do something. But you are not there yet.
Author umpa-lumpa Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I NEED HELP!!!...Have u all experienced being cheated on by who u thought wz the luv of ur life??...If so, how did u handle the initial aftershock?(that is what I consider myself to be in right now). My birthday was just this past weekend...everything was as it was last year at this time...family came over for cake etc...H made me dinner. I don't know how to take the first step to confronting him. If any of u have had this experience, what happened in ur situation. Did ur spouse fold and give u what u wanted? Did he/she continue 2 lie to ur face? My gut is telling me that if I do confront my H he will tell me he IS in luv with me, but he doesn't want to dredge up the A. And secondly, if he does not respond in that way, how do I prepare myself emotionally 4 the fact that he mite blow his top and threaten to leave me. HOW DO I PREPARE MY SOUL 4 THE FACT THAT HE MITE NOT LUV ME, MAY HAVE NEVER TRULY LUVED ME AND THAT HE'S BIDING HIS TIME WITH OUR FAMILY ONLY BCZ HE IS GETTING EVERYTHING HIS WAY. Thank you everyone
pureinheart Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I NEED HELP!!!...Have u all experienced being cheated on by who u thought wz the luv of ur life??...If so, how did u handle the initial aftershock?(that is what I consider myself to be in right now). My birthday was just this past weekend...everything was as it was last year at this time...family came over for cake etc...H made me dinner. I don't know how to take the first step to confronting him. If any of u have had this experience, what happened in ur situation. Did ur spouse fold and give u what u wanted? Did he/she continue 2 lie to ur face? My gut is telling me that if I do confront my H he will tell me he IS in luv with me, but he doesn't want to dredge up the A. And secondly, if he does not respond in that way, how do I prepare myself emotionally 4 the fact that he mite blow his top and threaten to leave me. HOW DO I PREPARE MY SOUL 4 THE FACT THAT HE MITE NOT LUV ME, MAY HAVE NEVER TRULY LUVED ME AND THAT HE'S BIDING HIS TIME WITH OUR FAMILY ONLY BCZ HE IS GETTING EVERYTHING HIS WAY. Thank you everyone Ok....read all of your posts from the first till now...do you see a difference? First of all you got the courage to post to begin with, that in itself is a BIG step.....and now you are yelling (bold). You know it and he knows it, it's not about him anymore. Ok....this will be a hard thing to do, BUT, say what you need to say, and do not or try not care about his reaction. You see, some people use this control thing as a scare tactic....you know UL, this is more than just this A, this is you taking a stand, and I think this is the core issue to problems in your M.... UL, people hate boundries....I used to let people walk all over me at various times in my life because I care so much about people that this is always taken advantage of...I have to always be on guard. Everytime I stand up and create boundries it causes an upheaval BECAUSE PEOPLE HATE BOUNDRIES, at least those who are comfortable with their nice little doormats....nope. Your H is acting arrogant in thinking you have no right, and he will do this, that and the other if you have a voice....God put woman BESIDE a man, not in front and not in back, but at his side! Change is hard UL and things will be uncomfortable for awhile. You know, I don't agree with the BS wanting to know every detail of the A because I feel it only is torture to their soul, although you are just trying to get some reassurance that you will not have to go through this again and that is why it needs to be discussed. You are not being unreasonable here! You are not out of line, you are not unforgiving, you just want reassurance....do you see all of the "you's" in this. This is about YOU now and YOU need this....it is not selfish nor unbecoming it is YOU! YOU go girl, YOU can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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