how will we make it

[umpa-lumpa]

Hi, I just found out that my husband of almost 7 years was having an affair. Her husband found them at the hotel about a month ago. My husand and the otehr woman were friends for about 20 years. They dated about 18 years ago for a short time. She ended it with him. He had really fallen for her, but after some time away from her, he was able to control his feelings and just be friends. She actually introduced us (we worked together). We both have children and our son's are or should I say WERE best friends. We all used to get together every week for playdates.

 

About a year ago, I came upon the fact thru our cell phone bill that they had been texting ALOT...on average 250 texts a day, sum days. He explained it away saying I was crazy, that they were just friends etc...however when I tried to change the password on our account, he called me on it, changed it back and then blocked me from having any access to the bill at all.

 

Also about 2 weeks prior to them being caught I found another text from her to him on his phone. He again said I was being paranoid. I asked him at that point for us to take a break from seeing her every week for the playdates and just take time for us and our son. He said he would give us about a 1 week break, but that they would always be friends. He said I wasn't going to tell him who he could be friends with. I was quite upset considering he was willing to put our marriage on the line for their friendship.

 

Right after they were caught he was remorseful, for about 1 week. Then he told he he doesn't EVER want it brought up again. I know nothing...not how long, no details, no nothing and we never discuss it. But I do have full access to the cellphone bill again and they have not had contact. However he does have an office line at his job, which I obviously can't track.

 

My question is how are we/I going to get thru this? Counseling is not an option - HE WOULD NEVER GO...he is not talkative to begin with. He is a wonderful father and I truly do love him, but how can I go on this way? Will we make it without counseling? Any advice is appreciated, especially since sometimes I feel like he might just be staying for our son...this is just eating me up alive. I feel inadequate, jealous, hurt, betrayed, confused, paniced...the list goes on...please help ASAP.

[ladydesigner]

First of all I would like to say how sorry I am that you are going through this and also it might be more helpful to post this in the Infidelity forum. Your Husband needs to discuss this affair to you and not be left at just never discussing it. He made his bed now he gets to sleep in it. He does not get the luxury of just burrying this affair because he feels uncomfortable. I still 2 years out discuss my Husbands affair and guess what I really don't care if it makes HIM feel uncomfortable, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. I'm no saint either I had a revenge affair that I never disclosed, but I can only offer my experience as a betrayed spouse.

 

Please get yourself into counseling if he cannot. It is worth it's weight in gold. You need a good support system now. Be strong and don't waiver on discussing the affair. IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN especially since it was discovered.

 

Take Care and Good Luck (most of us BS's can use a little of that)

[bentnotbroken]

He doesn't get to set the rules....you do. If he were serious about being remorseful, then he wouldn't be setting such unreasonable boundaries. There is a difference between remorse and regret. He regrets getting busted. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

 

Transperency is the key to building trust again. I am sorry you are here. You need to seek counseling for yourself to help you get through this mess.

[TaraMaiden]

Right after they were caught he was remorseful, for about 1 week. Then he told he he doesn't EVER want it brought up again.

 

Since when does he get to dictate how you respond to his cheating?

Tell him to go take a hike.

he's the one who planted his dick in another woman, and he's the betrayer and the cheater - not you. So he'd better suck it up buddy, because until you have some kind of satisfaction, this isn't going to go away, and what he's effectively doing is shutting you out, and ignoring your feelings. Just like he did when he screwed her.

Enough is enough.

Time for you to get mad, lady.... time to show him that he has a plate to step up to, and be accountable.

Who the damn hell does he think he is, trying to control the situation in this way, when he's the one who made the mess in the first place - ?!?

 

I know nothing...not how long, no details, no nothing and we never discuss it

Then ring her.

or her husband.

I bet he got satisfaction from her.

I bet he got his answers.

I bet he didn't take this lying down like a pussycat.

I bet if she said "I don't want to discuss this" he told her tough doodies....

 

But I do have full access to the cellphone bill again and they have not had contact. However he does have an office line at his job, which I obviously can't track.

Which of course he's aware of.....But if her H is wise, he's come down on her so hard, like a ton of bricks, that your H is well off their radar....

 

My question is how are we/I going to get thru this? Counseling is not an option - HE WOULD NEVER GO...he is not talkative to begin with. He is a wonderful father and I truly do love him, but how can I go on this way? Will we make it without counseling?

 

No.

You give him an ultimatum:

Either he agrees to counselling, or he can leave.

You will not be held to ransom by his unreasonable behaviour, and if he has an ounce of respect left for you, and any consideration whatsoever, he will agree to this.

Even if it DOES mean a separation.

What's his choice?

 

Any advice is appreciated, especially since sometimes I feel like he might just be staying for our son...this is just eating me up alive. I feel inadequate, jealous, hurt, betrayed, confused, paniced...the list goes on...please help ASAP.

And that's what you tell him.

if he is prepared to let you continue feeling this way - which is outrageous, and completely unreasonable - then frankly, he's telling you it's over.

If that's the way he wants it - then tell him to pack his bags.

Your lawyer will be in touch.

Otherwise, it's counselling.

Now - what's it going to be?

 

You have to really toughen up here, or else, you've lost it all, for good.....

[fooled once]

He doesn't get to set the rules....you do. If he were serious about being remorseful, then he wouldn't be setting such unreasonable boundaries. There is a difference between remorse and regret. He regrets getting busted. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

 

Transperency is the key to building trust again. I am sorry you are here. You need to seek counseling for yourself to help you get through this mess.

 

I totally agree.

 

Do you still HAVE to have playdates with her? (of course I mean the kids). How does she look you in the face knowing she is/was screwing your husband? And if you do still have to have play dates, why do you allow your spouse to tell YOU who you do and don't get to be friends with?

 

I don't know how your marriage can survive --- unless you are willing to let him continue his affair and turn a blind eye to his behavior AND his total and complete disrespect of you.

 

Do NOT allow him to treat you this way --- do not let your son grow up thinking this is how a man treats his wife.

[dazzle22]

So, he gets to have a long standing affair, be sorry for one week, and you are also supposed to say "by gones"? Unbelievable. Time to bring out the VERY big artillery and go after this cheater...

[pureinheart]

Hi, I just found out that my husband of almost 7 years was having an affair. Her husband found them at the hotel about a month ago. My husand and the otehr woman were friends for about 20 years. They dated about 18 years ago for a short time. She ended it with him. He had really fallen for her, but after some time away from her, he was able to control his feelings and just be friends. She actually introduced us (we worked together). We both have children and our son's are or should I say WERE best friends. We all used to get together every week for playdates.

 

About a year ago, I came upon the fact thru our cell phone bill that they had been texting ALOT...on average 250 texts a day, sum days. He explained it away saying I was crazy, that they were just friends etc...however when I tried to change the password on our account, he called me on it, changed it back and then blocked me from having any access to the bill at all.

 

Also about 2 weeks prior to them being caught I found another text from her to him on his phone. He again said I was being paranoid. I asked him at that point for us to take a break from seeing her every week for the playdates and just take time for us and our son. He said he would give us about a 1 week break, but that they would always be friends. He said I wasn't going to tell him who he could be friends with. I was quite upset considering he was willing to put our marriage on the line for their friendship.

 

Right after they were caught he was remorseful, for about 1 week. Then he told he he doesn't EVER want it brought up again. I know nothing...not how long, no details, no nothing and we never discuss it. But I do have full access to the cellphone bill again and they have not had contact. However he does have an office line at his job, which I obviously can't track.

 

My question is how are we/I going to get thru this? Counseling is not an option - HE WOULD NEVER GO...he is not talkative to begin with. He is a wonderful father and I truly do love him, but how can I go on this way? Will we make it without counseling? Any advice is appreciated, especially since sometimes I feel like he might just be staying for our son...this is just eating me up alive. I feel inadequate, jealous, hurt, betrayed, confused, paniced...the list goes on...please help ASAP.

 

First of all, I am so very sorry for your pain, and I'm sure you've been through a lot at this point.

 

UL, he sounds very controlling to me, and has said multitudes by not wanting councelling. This tells me he fears what could be pulled out of him, he is comfortable with his pain....and trust me he is in pain.

 

IMO policing him isn't the answer either, people will do what they do anyway.

 

In no means am I making light of your sitch....I just want to share this with you....my daughter suspected her H of cheating on her...UL, she had that house and him wired, no lie. Anything that she could find to hear his conversations, it really was funny, she used the baby monitors and everything....I thought to myself, don't mess with my "little baby" (she started this at the age of 5 with her Fisher Price tape recorder recording her brother threatening her).

 

Having the upper hand, I have heard this many times in this forum and it doesn't make sense to me....love doesnot have an upper hand, nor is it controlling.

 

I know all of this hurts....just keep posting...throw this on the other forums too....do all of the writing you need to to help you and please do not let him control you, don't let anyone control you for that matter....my thoughts are with you....k....

[OWoman]

My question is how are we/I going to get thru this? Counseling is not an option - HE WOULD NEVER GO...he is not talkative to begin with. He is a wonderful father and I truly do love him, but how can I go on this way? Will we make it without counseling? Any advice is appreciated, especially since sometimes I feel like he might just be staying for our son...this is just eating me up alive. I feel inadequate, jealous, hurt, betrayed, confused, paniced...the list goes on...please help ASAP.

 

u-l, it sounds to me that he's already made his choice:

 

He said I wasn't going to tell him who he could be friends with. I was quite upset considering he was willing to put our marriage on the line for their friendship.

 

Does he know how fragile the M is at this stage?

 

HE may well want to stay (whether for the child, or any other reason) but if he's not willing to compromise on issues that are important to you - such as friendship with your former colleague - then nothing stops you from taking that decision out of his hand and making your own decision whether to stay - with things as they are - or to leave instead.

[jwi71]

Infidelity forum is better for you....but since you are here now....

 

1) ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are guilty of NOTHING. YOU are the victim. He CHOSE this.

 

2) As said above, YOU MAKE THE RULES...he doesn't like it tell the lying SoB to take a hike. Pack for him if you must (I did...I literally packed my xWW's bags).

 

2) He agrees to MC and IC or show him the door.

 

3) TELL EVERYONE. I mean everyone...A's ONLY exist is secrecy and darkness...they're like vampires sucking the life out of YOU. Shove it into the light and see how long it survives. Yes, that means HIS Boss, his parents, your pastor, EVERYONE...(you'll be surprised at the support you get...bosses give leaves, pastors MAKE time to see you both, families coalesce)

 

4) Forbid ANY and ALL contact with the MOW...he breaks it, show him the door.

 

5) Speak with a lawyer. You don't necessarily have to file for D but get good legal advice NOW - you NEED a legal advocate on YOUR side. You may be able to pursue legal actions against the MOW...worth asking anyway.

 

6) Read more threads on infidelity. Ask for advice and help. In the same vein, AVOID the OM.OW forum for awhile.

 

7) I am a BS and I left my cheating spouse...you are sadly NOT alone. And despte whatever hell you know now (and its hell I remember)...it gets BETTER no matter if your M survives or not.

 

8)Bonus acronym guide:

 

OW/OM: other woman/other man

MOW (or MOM): Married other woman / Married other man

BS: Betrayed Spouse

WW: Wayward Spouse

IC/MC: Individual counseling/Marriage Counseling

[umpa-lumpa]

Thank you all for your responses. Maybe I am being niave, but my thought about him "not wanting to talk about it at all" I thought was his way of puting it behind us. He said if we are going to stay together he doesn't want to keep rehashing it.

 

I also don't believe there are any other women. My husband is not a cheater by trade. He and the other woman had a close friendship...one I often felt I couldn't compete with. She just seemed like the perfect woman to me, and obviously him. She is tall, blonde in shape, the kind that is always hit on. She takes EXCELLANT care of her kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner etc...how am I to compete??? I am not the best home maker, hate cleaning, am of average looks...but I do love him. He does SO much around the house where I tend to slack off. My son is SO attached to him...he is the "mommy" in our relationship...what am I supposed to do??? I love him, but I feel SO angry and I find I spend most of my time now trying 2 c if I can find any evidence. How do I break this cycle of craziness?

[pureinheart]

u-l, it sounds to me that he's already made his choice:

 

 

 

Does he know how fragile the M is at this stage?

 

HE may well want to stay (whether for the child, or any other reason) but if he's not willing to compromise on issues that are important to you - such as friendship with your former colleague - then nothing stops you from taking that decision out of his hand and making your own decision whether to stay - with things as they are - or to leave instead.

 

It doesn't sound like he cares:(, wow, how uncool

[pureinheart]

Thank you all for your responses. Maybe I am being niave, but my thought about him "not wanting to talk about it at all" I thought was his way of puting it behind us. He said if we are going to stay together he doesn't want to keep rehashing it.

 

I also don't believe there are any other women. My husband is not a cheater by trade. He and the other woman had a close friendship...one I often felt I couldn't compete with. She just seemed like the perfect woman to me, and obviously him. She is tall, blonde in shape, the kind that is always hit on. She takes EXCELLANT care of her kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner etc...how am I to compete??? I am not the best home maker, hate cleaning, am of average looks...but I do love him. He does SO much around the house where I tend to slack off. My son is SO attached to him...he is the "mommy" in our relationship...what am I supposed to do??? I love him, but I feel SO angry and I find I spend most of my time now trying 2 c if I can find any evidence. How do I break this cycle of craziness?

 

You don't compete....you are you....and YOU my dear are NOT JUNK!!!!!! Ok sure this other lady has many good qualities.....but I challenge you to reply back and tell us YOUR good qualities....I bet you will be typing for a long time, you better get started...k... cuz you'll be at your PC for awhile!!!! I love you and I WANT YOU TO LOVE YOU TOO.....K.....

[jwi71]

Maybe I am being niave,

 

Not to be mean...but you are.

 

but my thought about him "not wanting to talk about it at all" I thought was his way of puting it behind us. He said if we are going to stay together he doesn't want to keep rehashing it.

 

You know, virtually all WS do this. Its unreal how common that is. My xWW told me the same thing.

 

I'll tell you why the BS hears this.

They are lying

--and dont want to get caught getting the facts straight

--the A (affair) isnt over

--the really don't want to talk about it for THEM

My husband is not a cheater by trade.

 

Yes he is...he is cheating now.

 

He and the other woman had a close friendship...one I often felt I couldn't compete with

 

An honest friendship is not "swept under the rug" and hidden from the spouse. Sorry...his "not talking about it" and saying "move on" is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

And no BS can EVER compete with the OW. IMPOSSIBLE.

what am I supposed to do???

 

What do YOU want? Stay Married? Get a D? What?

If you could write this ending...what would you write?

 

I love him, but I feel SO angry and I find I spend most of my time now trying 2 c if I can find any evidence. How do I break this cycle of craziness?

 

Its called gaslighting. Google it.

The BEST way to end an A is to expose it.

Why not tell your H (husband) you are meeting the MOW's H to discuss this friendship. To tell her H YOU are uncomfortable with it. Then tell his MOTHER. And FATHER. And all YOUR family what you suspect. Get more eyes on this. Don't worry about what "others will think...I PROMISE they will support you and NOT think you are nuts. Trust me on that. And the MOW's H...he will watch his W like a hawk after your talk. Trust me on that too.

When he comes home, take his cell phone (don't ask...just take it) and look at:

1) dialed calls

2) received calls

3) missed calls

4) voicemail

5) received text messages

6) Sent text messages

7) Deleted text messages

8) Contacts

 

See any numbers routinely? See any you don;t recognize with a lot of activity? Call it. See who answers...

 

Log into his email and read it. Look at deleted items and sent emails. Check his calendar (some dummies actually have the OW on it...I'm serious)

 

If your GUT says its an A...trust it. Its 99.99% right.

[crystal_lostheart]

UL - toughen up dear!

 

You should be the one in control here. Not him. He screwed you over, remember that.

 

Do you realize how much power you actually have here?? Don't let yourself be a doormat. Wipe the floor with him and her. How dare she? A 'friend' of yours that you spoke with, shared playdates with. It makes my blood boil. And don't ever think you have to compete. You're his W!!!

 

Grow a pair and stand up for yourself. It's IS that simple.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you all for your responses. Maybe I am being niave, but my thought about him "not wanting to talk about it at all" I thought was his way of puting it behind us. He said if we are going to stay together he doesn't want to keep rehashing it.

 

I also don't believe there are any other women. My husband is not a cheater by trade. He and the other woman had a close friendship...one I often felt I couldn't compete with. She just seemed like the perfect woman to me, and obviously him. She is tall, blonde in shape, the kind that is always hit on. She takes EXCELLANT care of her kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner etc...how am I to compete??? I am not the best home maker, hate cleaning, am of average looks...but I do love him. He does SO much around the house where I tend to slack off. My son is SO attached to him...he is the "mommy" in our relationship...what am I supposed to do??? I love him, but I feel SO angry and I find I spend most of my time now trying 2 c if I can find any evidence. How do I break this cycle of craziness?

 

What is looks and housework now the measure of a person? If so I didn't get the memo.

 

Listen, this guy has NO RESPECT for you! That is not your fault, it's his! If I had a woman who loved me like you love him, I would be happy as a pig in mud. I don't care how down on yourself you are, your better than this trashy slut he was cheating on you with. If she was worth two squirts of piss she would not have been running around on her husband either.

 

He doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to feel guilty or ashamed. It's basically his way of saying your feelings don't matter to him and that you don't have a right to question his actions.

 

I know your not going to leave this guy... but you need to threaten it! You need to hire the most ball buster lawyer in town and make this guy crap himself. As a strong guy... I can tell you that he will only respect a powerplay. It's time you get equal power in this marriage.

[PhoenixRise]

What is looks and housework now the measure of a person? If so I didn't get the memo.

 

Listen, this guy has NO RESPECT for you! That is not your fault, it's his! If I had a woman who loved me like you love him, I would be happy as a pig in mud. I don't care how down on yourself you are, your better than this trashy slut he was cheating on you with. If she was worth two squirts of piss she would not have been running around on her husband either.

 

He doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to feel guilty or ashamed. It's basically his way of saying your feelings don't matter to him and that you don't have a right to question his actions.

 

I know your not going to leave this guy... but you need to threaten it! You need to hire the most ball buster lawyer in town and make this guy crap himself. As a strong guy... I can tell you that he will only respect a powerplay. It's time you get equal power in this marriage.

 

I agree with this post and the others that are encouraging you to toughen up with a few exceptions.

 

I think that unless your H is overbearing, uncaring, thoughtless, and disrespectful to everybody (or at least to most people) in his life, then it IS most likely your fault that he doesn't respect you. NOT because you are unworthy of respect, to the contrary you are MOST worthy of respect but I have to think that over the years you have lowered your expectations and tolerated a lot of bullshi*. I think you have probably accepted a lot of disrespect from him over the years and so it has become a habit for both of you. This doesn't have to be the case though. You have the power to decide how you will allow people to treat you.

 

AND there is nothing at all dishonorable about being a stay at home mom. This was the agreement you made with your H regarding how your family would work. You should know and own that you are making a valuable contribution to your family.

 

Whatever you do, do not make an empty threat about divorcing and leaving. If something like this does not come from an authentically powerful place it will not work. Your H will call your bluff and continue the affair and then you will feel even more demoralized than you do now.

 

See a lawyer to find out what your options/rights are but don't make any threats that you don't fully intend to back up.

 

Go for some individual counseling. Talk to someone who can help you focus on you and who can help you make some strong decisions about what is the next best move for you.

 

I know how this hurts and I am so sorry for your pain.

Good Luck

[umpa-lumpa]

Again, thank you everyone for your help...all the kind words go A LONG way. Just to clarify a few things...as far as I know the A has ended...he swears that there has been NC however there is phone at his office that I obviously cannot monitor. Just this past weekend I got our last month's home phonebill. There was an unrecognizible number on the bill 2 days after they were caught at the hotel. It was a one hour convo, but funny that number was not on my caller ID that day when I came home from work. (That is the other correction, I am not a stay at home Mom, I work 4 days a week). Anyway I called that number and it went right to a voicemail, but only a recorded message. I haven't confronted my husband, but I did call that number from my work number intentionally not blocking my number.

 

Also, one person had suggested that I tell the OW-H about this...he already knows...he caught them at the hotel...I have actually spoken to him 2x..First time was about 2 days after he caught them. I tried to give him a viewing of what I thought of his wife, but now looking back I was ranting about how she was throwing herself at my H...as if she dragged him to cheat. Then I spoke to him about 2 weeks later. My H was going to his Xmas party and I texted her H to verify with him that she would b home that night...needless to say, he told her about it and her friend called my house and told me to stay away. She said to stick to fixing her marriage bcz the OW and her H were working on theirs. Then her friend left my H a similar message on his cell. He was SO mad at me, said that all contact with THEM is gonna stop and if I was going to keep second guess him when he says hes going out to his xmas party, then this was going to have to be over. And just a side note, my H is not one to go out all the time or anything.

 

As far as telling everyone in my/our family...I COULD NEVER DO THAT...at this point only my sister knows. I would be too embarrassed bcz I look like an idiot for staying with him and also I believe if I told everyone my H would get mad considering initially I had said I was keeping it quiet.

 

I know I am coming across like such a pathetic person, closing my eyes and just trying to hang on. I just keep putting all my hopes on the fact that if the OW is out of our lives (and yes, there are no more playdates at all...never will b) then my husband and I will be back on track or at least okay. Does anyone know if we will be able to make it without counseling? Because at this point, it is getting extremely difficult to go on without having menitioned ANYTHING about his A at all for about a month, and it's only been a month and a half since we found out. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in about a year, still in the dark about any detail whatsoever. I know if I ask my H anything or start making demands he will get mad. One of my biggest fears is that the only power I have is our son. I know it would kill my H to not c him everyday, which in my gut I feel is the major reason he is staying. My H is very abrupt with me quite often. I feel he hasn't looked at me in that loving way for well over a year (he always told me I was crazy) he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single and pretty much everything I do is not done correctly, so he takes over and tells me not to bother bcz he only has to clean up after me anyway....I don't know anymore.....but I'm still hanging in

[pureinheart]

Hey UL....you don't sound pathetic and you are not pathetic, you are a human being who just got hurt....there is nothing wrong with you at all, you are a viable, loving person.

 

Be who you are ....everyone told me this, that and the other....they said you need to do this and you need to do that, always causing me to feel like I could never do anything right (for the record this is all non internet people)....I went through some heavy duty head trips....but ya know what...the ones telling me I was jacked up were actually the ones that were SOOOOOO jacked up it was not even funny.

 

You know what UL, personally I would not waste my time "policing" your H, if he is going to cheat, he will cheat period. You cannot stop what he does, although you have power and control over yourself....go do some stuff for you, you know what, the less you show that you care, the more your H will wonder "why" you don't and it will capture his attention....if you don't have his attention and you want to stay in the M, then it is possible for you to have a good M without him.

[Malenfant]

Thank you all for your responses. Maybe I am being niave, but my thought about him "not wanting to talk about it at all" I thought was his way of puting it behind us. He said if we are going to stay together he doesn't want to keep rehashing it.

Yeah, i bet he doesnt. he's showing you zero respect by refusing to talk about it with you. Taramaiden is totally right, you really should read her post again.

 

He and the other woman had a close friendship...one I often felt I couldn't compete with. She just seemed like the perfect woman to me, and obviously him. She is tall, blonde in shape, the kind that is always hit on. She takes EXCELLANT care of her kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner etc...how am I to compete??? I am not the best home maker, hate cleaning, am of average looks...but I do love him

oh well if she's so great, then why dont you just lie back and take all this disrespect he's dishing out as you obviously dont deserve to be treated well, considering what a bad wife and mother you are.

Listen to yourself. you need some self respect and quickly.

 

.

He does SO much around the house where I tend to slack off. My son is SO attached to him...he is the "mommy" in our relationship...what am I supposed to do??? I love him, but I feel SO angry and I find I spend most of my time now trying 2 c if I can find any evidence. How do I break this cycle of craziness?

thats not good. You are the mommy. you have a son, you are his mommy. you are not your husbands child or inferior partner.

you dont see your husband as an equal, you see him as better than you, thats why you cant be mean or put your foot down.

 

you think he is so great that you're willing to put up with his behaviour because you feel that you dont deserve him.

 

it is this attitude that has led you to this impass. he knows you feel this way and he is using it against you.

 

I dont mean any of what I have said to be mean. I believe you are worth what every person is worth. you are his equal, and he should treat you as such but the problem is you are not treating him as your equal.

 

I'm just giving out some tough love. You need to find some love for yourself.

 

I just want to add that although I've said the above, i dont mean for a moment that what has happened, or how your H is treating you is in any way your fault.

 

he is being totally unfair, thats regardless of your lack of self esteem.

 

My comments are only intended to help you see what you need to do to tackle this problem

Edited January 12, 2010 by Malenfant

[TaraMaiden]

Again, thank you everyone for your help...all the kind words go A LONG way. Just to clarify a few things...as far as I know the A has ended...he swears that there has been NC however there is phone at his office that I obviously cannot monitor. Just this past weekend I got our last month's home phonebill. There was an unrecognizible number on the bill 2 days after they were caught at the hotel. It was a one hour convo, but funny that number was not on my caller ID that day when I came home from work. (That is the other correction, I am not a stay at home Mom, I work 4 days a week). Anyway I called that number and it went right to a voicemail, but only a recorded message. I haven't confronted my husband, but I did call that number from my work number intentionally not blocking my number.

 

Also, one person had suggested that I tell the OW-H about this...he already knows...he caught them at the hotel...I have actually spoken to him 2x..First time was about 2 days after he caught them. I tried to give him a viewing of what I thought of his wife, but now looking back I was ranting about how she was throwing herself at my H...as if she dragged him to cheat. Then I spoke to him about 2 weeks later. My H was going to his Xmas party and I texted her H to verify with him that she would b home that night...needless to say, he told her about it and her friend called my house and told me to stay away. She said to stick to fixing her marriage bcz the OW and her H were working on theirs. Then her friend left my H a similar message on his cell. He was SO mad at me, said that all contact with THEM is gonna stop and if I was going to keep second guess him when he says hes going out to his xmas party, then this was going to have to be over. And just a side note, my H is not one to go out all the time or anything.

 

As far as telling everyone in my/our family...I COULD NEVER DO THAT...at this point only my sister knows. I would be too embarrassed bcz I look like an idiot for staying with him and also I believe if I told everyone my H would get mad considering initially I had said I was keeping it quiet.

 

I know I am coming across like such a pathetic person, closing my eyes and just trying to hang on. I just keep putting all my hopes on the fact that if the OW is out of our lives (and yes, there are no more playdates at all...never will b) then my husband and I will be back on track or at least okay. Does anyone know if we will be able to make it without counseling? Because at this point, it is getting extremely difficult to go on without having menitioned ANYTHING about his A at all for about a month, and it's only been a month and a half since we found out. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in about a year, still in the dark about any detail whatsoever. I know if I ask my H anything or start making demands he will get mad. One of my biggest fears is that the only power I have is our son. I know it would kill my H to not c him everyday, which in my gut I feel is the major reason he is staying. My H is very abrupt with me quite often. I feel he hasn't looked at me in that loving way for well over a year (he always told me I was crazy) he has made comments infront of my friends and family that marriage is horrible and he wishes he were single and pretty much everything I do is not done correctly, so he takes over and tells me not to bother bcz he only has to clean up after me anyway....I don't know anymore.....but I'm still hanging in

 

This whole post, is desperately sad, because quite frankly, you're doing all the running and making all attempts to make this work, while he just blows you off, treats you with contempt and has no regard whatsoever for your feelings.

It's been a long time since I saw such a desperately impotent post as this one.

I'm sorry hun, when all's said and done, this will never fix itself without counselling. This will never get better unless he agrees to meet you 90% of the way and do everything in his power to make amends.

The work is up to him, not you, don't you see that??

He is the one who should be frantically anxious about how YOU feel.

he is the one who should be worried about how things will be a year from now, he is the one who should be desperate to say and do the right things - not you.

Your effort in this should be to hear him out and come to terms with why he did it.

For him to get angry, impatient and controlling with you is the emotionally abusive behaviour of a bully and a tyrant.

He is disrespecting you and treating you like something he scraped off his shoe.You can hold his son over him, but he has such contempt for you that he will fight you tooth and nail, pull every trick in the book, and do what it takes to demean you and undervalue you.

Because he can, and he's capable.

He's doing it now, don't you see that?

He won't care a thing about you. He cares about his son though.

He'll wipe the floor with you.

So you better do it to him, before he does it to you.

This man doesn't deserve to be married to you. he certainly doesn't deserve to have as understanding, compassionate and kindly a wife as you are.

 

Please, just be decisive, and understand this:

He will not improve, he will not change, and he will do nothing to create a better environment for you to grow in, together.

 

Anybody who wants to perpetuate the marriage, would do e

everything in their power to make it right.

He has done everything in his power to keep it wrong.

He has left this marriage.

I hate to say it, but I would advise you to do the same.

[skywriter]

Hi umpa lumpa,

 

I've been reading your post and I feel so bad for you.

 

Your story reminds me of how my exH treated me before he told me

the ole', I'm not in love with you line.

 

I'll never understand why in the world they have to chip away at you emotionally before they give you that final blow.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say you've been given some spot on advice from what I've read.

 

It was very difficult to contact a lawyer but it was the single most intelligent move I've ever made.

My exH was livid to say the least. Never saw a mans eyes gloss over with such seething anger before, or since then.

 

Wish you the best.

[umpa-lumpa]

Hi all, just one more question/point. It's not that he is verbally abusing me...not at all....no name calling, none of that, but since they were caught, we talked about it for about 4 days and thats when he said he never wants to talk about it again. So now we carry on in our daily lives...to him as if it never happened, but to me...it's ALL I think about, so as long as I don't rock the boat...it's all good (for him anyway)

[TaraMaiden]

You're not getting it.

 

He doesn't get to lay down conditions, or call the shots.

He doesn't get to get off scott-free, and never be accountable for his actions.

You now have to tell him that he has to step up to the plate, answer your questions, explain whatever you want him to, and go to counselling.

 

He isn't in charge.

You are.

 

He doesn't take control.

You do.

[Brokenlady]

U-L,

I can promise you that your H is still having an affair. When WS's get caught, they minimize the affair and do their best to sweep it under the rug and fast. And 99% of the time, affairs continue well after the discovery day and the WS promises no more contact with the OW. Look around here, there are OW's here who have been through 4 and 5 discovery days with their married men. Affairs don't stop on a dime, even in marriages that successfully reconcile.

 

Your H is basically threatening to leave you to keep you from probing deeper. This should be the other way around. You should be threatening (and meaning it) to leave him unless he gets really invested in the marriage, real fast). This control he has over you will guarantee that he will keep cheating with this OW.

 

If he is refusing to go to marriage counseling, you already have your answer as to whether he wants to improve the marriage and stop cheating. He likes things the way they are - you keep your mouth shut out of fear and he does whatever (and whoever) he pleases. Do you really want to settle for this?

 

You do not have to compete with this woman - he CHOSE to marry YOU. As "great" as she may be, he ultimately chose you to marry. He came home to you every night, not her. His poor boundaries with his "friend" led him to think at some point that he could have BOTH. And if you let him, he will continue to have both. Of course he's hanging on to this dynamic for dear life - he wants you to fear he'll leave so that he doesn't have to lose anything. It's selfish and cruel.

 

What do you have to gain by caving to the fear he's putting in you? Absolutely nothing. You're going to know in your heart that he's not who he once was to you and you will always have a nagging (and correct) feeling that he's still cheating. And he doesn't want to make the marriage better so he's not compelled to cheat (because, he LIKES cheating). On the other hand, you have EVERYTHING to gain by standing up for yourself and demanding this get resolved the right way. Even if your worst fears come true (which I highly doubt) and he leaves you, you are only losing a lying cheating jerk who was never going to be able to return your love to you.

 

Don't let him do this to you. And he will never admit it, but he will respect you far more if you show him you respect yourself.

[umpa-lumpa]

Hi again...am I COMPLETELY crazy for thinking my H isn't abusing me emotionally or still sneaking around? I keep thinking he doesn't want to talk about it because he just wants to move forward with me. Am I being totally stupid?? I mean I know that he and the OW were friends for 20 years and they dated briefly about 18 years ago (plus he tried to hook up with her right after we met)...but isn't it possible that he is just being private, doesn't want to bring it up anymore and just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe he's just trying to keep his family together??? Me, him and our son??? Please...any advice is helpful and SO desperately needed