Pleco Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 My boyfriend and I live together, we are 21 and 22 years old. He constantly brings up marriage, making sure we are on the right track as he wants to get engaged and married in a few years. We both drink socially and occasionally use drugs recreationally. In the past during our relationship we have both gotten into trouble and done something stupid ONE time each because of drugs. Both times, we stayed together but we made a promise that we would never do any sort of drug without the other present. I have stuck by my promise 100%. I rarely even drink now, always with him present. Right now my boyfriend is taking a 2 week course at a university and staying in an apartment with some friends. Yesterday he decided to drink about 5 beers and take 3 Hydrocodone pills that he had left over from a scrip. This hurt my feelings considerably. His argument is that he was bored, was in no danger of getting into trouble (as he was basically alone except for a roommate and some friends), and that Hydrocodone is not a serious drug. He said that we only made that agreement in the first place to stop anything bad from happening, and in this situation he KNEW that nothing bad could happen. MY point is that he can't keep a promise to me. I have respect for him enough to keep my promise but he obviously does not respect me enough to keep his. He is acting like this is a stupid argument but it isn't! If he had a problem with our agreement he should have said so in the beginning. He doesn't listen to me, half the time he forgets what I say. We can get on the same page about something and a few weeks later he's forgotten all about it. I feel like he doesn't respect me at all. He's also done other things in the past that make me worry that he doesn't respect me. However, he treats me better and does more for me than anyone else I know. Everything seems like a contradiction and I don't know what to think. On the one hand he is wonderful and does so much to make me happy, but on the other hand he does not see AT ALL how much he lacks respect for me. I don't know how to get past this. He confuses the hell out of me sometimes. Another thing is that in the past he did abuse drugs. I have always been really careful with them but I am worried that he has a problem. He never goes to such an extreme that I can justify saying he has a real drug problem, but he certainly has more of an issue with it than I would like. I think the drugs have made him forgetful and he forgets things I say without meaning to. Help? I love him and we are on the right track...he has finished his degree and has a great job lined up, I am working on mine. We have a beautiful apartment, working on getting a house. Everything else in our personal and professional lives is completely straight! This is the only issue I have. Also, please no lectures about drug use. I have definitely learned my lesson from the one time I went overboard and never will again. I believe the problems occur when one gets irresponsible, so stick to topic! Thanks so much.
PinkToes Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You're in a really tough situation; I feel for you. By far the biggest issue for me would be that you feel he doesn't respect you. That's huge. And when you add in the drug issue, not being able to keep his promises takes on added weight. I was involved with a man once who smoked a lot of pot. Like several times a day, everyday. When we met, I had no idea. He said he "liked to smoke a little pot" and I thought, well I like to drink on occasion, so it didn't send up any red flags. It wasn't until much later that I learned how much of a habit it was for him, and that he'd cut way back when we met. And even though he kept saying that having me in his life was more important than getting stoned, he kept going back. A friend at the time asked me if I really wanted to be in a situation where I always had to wonder.... whether he really didn't want/need it anymore, or was just saying that to keep me around. And I hated the idea of having to think about that; not knowing what was true. I didn't want to be with someone like that, and he knew it. When I started picturing a life where he knew it was important to me, but still couldn't resist the drug at times, and I would never know what was true and what wasn't, that was just more than I could handle. It wasn't the drug, but the role it played in his life, and the dishonestly that came along with that. I feel for you. I loved him too, but it was just too much for me.
Angel1111 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 This is the kind of thing you buy into when you do drugs and get into relationships with others who do drugs. It's toying with that dark side of life, no matter how you want to justify it. I'm not lecturing, I'm just letting you know that you're not going to get a quality person who respects you when you choose this lifestyle.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Pleco, if this was an isolated incident then I say you should let it go. If he really was at a class or whatever and was just bored by himself and had the pills, **** why not? It's not like he went out and found them, he had them from an old prescription. If it was really a problem, he would've eaten them before hand. PinkToes, you're entitled to your standards and such, but I think you went a bit far, it is just pot and if he had already cut back a lot for you then I think you should've given him a chance, especially if it wasn't causing any issues in the relationship, which you didn't mention that it did, just the thought of it or something.
Author Pleco Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Pleco, if this was an isolated incident then I say you should let it go. If he really was at a class or whatever and was just bored by himself and had the pills, **** why not? It's not like he went out and found them, he had them from an old prescription. If it was really a problem, he would've eaten them before hand. To answer your question, I am mad because he did something horrible under the influence and my ONE request of him was to stay away from drugs unless he was with me. Also, it bothers me that he wants to get f*cked up alone in his apartment. It just seems like an addict thing to do. We have always used drugs (psychedelics, etc.) to experiment, get to know each other, and have fun with friends occasionally. Never alone. It's not an old prescription, it's one he just got a week ago. He did something he told me he wouldn't, and it's not isolated. Thanks for the input!
PinkToes Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 PinkToes, you're entitled to your standards and such, but I think you went a bit far, it is just pot and if he had already cut back a lot for you then I think you should've given him a chance, especially if it wasn't causing any issues in the relationship, which you didn't mention that it did, just the thought of it or something. Legit point, maybe I can clarify. He didn't actually cut back for me when we met, he gave it up when we fell in love (it was crazy fast) because he said it was never that important. So I never even saw the other side of him until several months in, when he picked it up again because the new-love high had worn off. I stuck around anyway. But when he was stoned -- which was pretty much 24/7, it did change our relationship. He didn't feel like working, which was a problem given how much money he spent on pot. And he had a 7-year old daughter that he sort of ignored when he was high, and if I was with him, it was like she and I were on our own. He used to say that child protective services would never take his daughter away because he was getting high with them, too. Every part of his life was about getting stoned; every activity that didn't have room for that didn't happen. I just didn't want to be with someone who was living that way. It honestly was like the difference between drinking socially and drinking all day, in my mind. And it was so obvious to me when he'd been smoking, but he would still lie about it. I didn't even ask, and he would still bring it up and lie about it, and then get annoyed with me. Huh?? At one point I said I didn't care what he did when we weren't together, but I didn't like being around him when he was so checked out. That made him furious. He said I was trying to control him. But I still didn't leave. I really struggled with the whole issue, because I loved him. I twisted it around in my head trying to figure out how I could do a better job of coping with the situation. Meanwhile, he ended the relationship because he decided the pot was more important, and he told me that directly. Can't really argue with that. But my friend was right that it would have been a hell of a way to live; having to guess when he was telling the truth. Granted this isn't the same as what the OP is talking about, but I think the issue of not wanting to have to wonder what's up is similar. I hope this helps make sense of my situation though.
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