dazzle22 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 IMHO, in such situations, it is never about the "shortcomings" of the other person but lack of chemistry between two good incompatible people who probably should have never married in the first place... She needs to decide if she needs to "lie in the bed that she made for herself", or be straight up with her husband and set him free.
TaraMaiden Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 ...and herself... Better this way, than launching into an EA, which might evolve into a PA and then cause real problems for her, her husband...oh, and of course, the children. OP, you say you were young when you married... You're not that age any more... Don't think (if that is what you're doing) in the mind frame of the person who might have made an error then... Consider every aspect within the mind frame of the mature adult you are now. And yes, if really, you can see no way to bring this back to a working marriage, then - you have to cut clean, and sever the connection, between your H and you. Before stitching it up with someone else.....
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I can relate, yep.... In my case when we first got together, we were such good friends. He was smart and good-looking too. Despite that... oddly enough, no real sexual chemistry at all. It's weird but I have come to the realization that sexual and emotional chemistry are NOT (at least for me) about looks. It's mainly about personality. I too, assumed that the lack of sexual and emotional chemistry didn't matter because I had a "good man" who had the right "stats" and we were comfortable together too. Over the years as the romance and sex dwindled away I just assumed that was totally normal. We were living as roommates but wasn't that typical of most married couples? Or, I thought it was just a rough spot and it would go away. Then we both noticed that we had to force ourselves to have sex. So he got snipped several years ago. We figured then we would be free to play and get back in the game. It didn't work. In fact after he got snipped we had sex even less. And now it's been a couple of years since we've had sex at all. Lots of other complicating stuff I won't go into. I got my eyes opened when I started drifting into an EA. That stopped but it made me wake up and realize that things were not okay the way they were. I could imagine sex with the near-EA guy so easily and couldn't imagine sex with my husband. It made me realize something was very wrong. That I didn't want to live the rest of my life in a roommate marriage. Anyway, yes, been there...
bestplayer Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 IMHO, in such situations, it is never about the "shortcomings" of the other person but lack of chemistry between two good incompatible people who probably should have never married in the first place... She needs to decide if she needs to "lie in the bed that she made for herself", or be straight up with her husband and set him free. most of the times one's marriage start appearing as miserable when someone more attractive comes up
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Sorry people... (Slightly off-topic.... What are FOA, SOA, and TOA....? Tried working it out, but am particularly prone to thickedness at times.... Thanks! I still don't know what these mean....*sulk*
bestplayer Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I can relate, yep.... In my case when we first got together, we were such good friends. He was smart and good-looking too. Despite that... oddly enough, no real sexual chemistry at all. It's weird but I have come to the realization that sexual and emotional chemistry are NOT (at least for me) about looks. It's mainly about personality. I too, assumed that the lack of sexual and emotional chemistry didn't matter because I had a "good man" who had the right "stats" and we were comfortable together too. Over the years as the romance and sex dwindled away I just assumed that was totally normal. We were living as roommates but wasn't that typical of most married couples? Or, I thought it was just a rough spot and it would go away. Then we both noticed that we had to force ourselves to have sex. So he got snipped several years ago. We figured then we would be free to play and get back in the game. It didn't work. In fact after he got snipped we had sex even less. And now it's been a couple of years since we've had sex at all. Lots of other complicating stuff I won't go into. I got my eyes opened when I started drifting into an EA. That stopped but it made me wake up and realize that things were not okay the way they were. I could imagine sex with the near-EA guy so easily and couldn't imagine sex with my husband. It made me realize something was very wrong. That I didn't want to live the rest of my life in a roommate marriage. Anyway, yes, been there... I could imagine sex with the near-EA guy so easily and couldn't imagine sex with my husband........ does ur husband know that ?
dazzle22 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I still don't know what these mean....*sulk* I don't either. Is there an acronym lexicon somewhere??
kmm111 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 THIS POST IS JUST FOR TETHYS. ALL OTHER ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGISTS-STAY AWAY PLEASE. HURTFUL COMMENTS NOT WELCOME....unless you have never made a mistake in your life.... -by now, because there was very little sexual chemistry, sex will be almost automatic, and maybe one or two times a month, like you are going through motions, but there is a total disconnect. You won't even be able to french kiss her on the mouth. You will look at other couples who have that great chemistry and just ache inside that you can't have that too even though you have done everything you can think of to "muster it up". You try marital therapy. Nothing works. The littlest things about her personality will really start to bug you. -you will start to have emotional feelings for friends or co workers and you will have to constantly stop yourself from flirting when you see they are interested too, when they say things like..."Gee, your husband is a luckly guy.." and you will feel hollow and empty inside. You will feel you are in a charade, and that you were from the start, and you will get angry at yourself for this, and say, "why didn't I just....what was WRONG with me?...I was so stupid-I ruined both our lives..." -you will try to distract yourself with other things, throwing yourself into work, hobbies, whatever, to distract yourself from your unhappiness. You will start to feel "dead" inside.. -your marriage will be like two roommates, sometimes w/spats, but no real connection. Both of you will start to justify that it is totally fine to live "parallel lives" and these couples who are so in love are enmeshed, as you envy them. -you will go on grand trips together and wish you were there with someone else. You will have difficulty living the moment because now your mind has taken to living in fantasy to escape your own dead life that has no romance in it. -at some point you will have nagging thoughts about what would divorce look like. Who would be upset, angry, who gets what, and let me tell you at that point the house will look like the "albatross" that took you to the bottom of the sea! -this of course is all if you have the great strength to avoid an affair with others who are constantly giving you hints that "if I were your husband, I would never ignore you like that..." -then you decide the PAIN OF CHANGE IS FINALLY LESS THAN THE PAIN OF STAYING THE SAME, and you drop the D word...Hell ensues... ...and that is how this movie ends..... WOW....I have to add something because this is EXACTLY how I have started to feel recently after realizing that my husband feels more like a good friend to me. I couldn't have put it in better words. Sadly, I am in an EA with a co-worker but I think this EA is a result of something lacking in my marriage, not the other way around (meaning, the way I feel about my marriage wasn't caused by the EA). Just my 2 cents...what was posted above IS reality...
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Quite so. For anything to occur OUTSIDE the marriage (be it EA or PA) there had to already be an existing issue causing the "cheater" (not to be judgemental about it) to turn to something outside of the marriage for fulfilment. If it's not there, it's easier, (or so it seems) and of more comfort, to go seeking elsewhere. This is not a criticism. This is just how it is.
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I don't either. Is there an acronym lexicon somewhere?? I'll try a guess... FOA - first of all SOA - second of all TOA - third of all How's that?
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 meh... it fits.... It'll do..... See, I told you I was a dunderhead, sometimes.....
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Noted BTW, I found the information in an online urban dictionary and, upon re-reading the OP, found it fit logically. Also, the OP wrote out 'fourth of all', which supported what I had found. Now, if I can just make some money with that. There's no money in baking cookies
atlnay Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Quite so. For anything to occur OUTSIDE the marriage (be it EA or PA) there had to already be an existing issue causing the "cheater" (not to be judgemental about it) to turn to something outside of the marriage for fulfilment. If it's not there, it's easier, (or so it seems) and of more comfort, to go seeking elsewhere. This is not a criticism. This is just how it is. A good male friend of mine basically said the same thing when we had a general discussion on why men cheat. He said if a man had all his needs being met at home, he's less likely to step out of his existing relationship. Makes sense.
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 A healthy and happy *monogamous* man (or woman), being satisfied at home, generally will not wander. Not all men (nor women) are monogamous, though they, even if polyamourous, like the security and consistency of a committed relationship or marriage. I'm not seeing that dynamic in the OP, but have seen it IRL.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 A good male friend of mine basically said the same thing when we had a general discussion on why men cheat. He said if a man had all his needs being met at home, he's less likely to step out of his existing relationship. Makes sense. In support of Carhill's comments, and really, to be fair, I would think this applies as much to women too.. people who stray outside the marriage can justify and put forward all the mitigating reasons they like, but ultimately, they all boil down to the same thing. Something ain't right at home......
dazzle22 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I agree, unless you fall in that rarefied category like Tiger, whom I believe had no intention of being faithful right off the bat in his marriage -a sociopath I believe...but I digress... I find it somewhat consoling that others can relate to what I did. I told no one for 25 years, but constantly beat myself up inside with all manner of criticisms, from "no one put a gun to your head, you made this bed now lie in it..you are pathetic....you will shame your family...".on and on.. WELL, I AM REALLY GOING TO STICK MY NECK OUT NOW.... .in the end, my mistake was my fault, but I believe it was precipitated by my severe puritanical upbringing that was literally and physically "beaten" into me. My father especially shamed anything about my emerging sexuality as a teenager, and always downplayed sex as important. And of course premarital sex would totally damn you right to hell..and don't pass go either. And our religious premarital counselor was a joke too - he seemed more concerned whether we had crossed any sexual "no no" lines premaritally, rather than if we felt any sexual compatability at all. Total crock of.....! Had ONE adult said, "hey, you know, marriage is an extremely SEXUAL relationship you two! " that actually would have made me perk up, because to me, I was being told, it was about picking someone from your religious background, not shaming your family with premarital carrying on....and so on, you know the drill... Problem was, I married so young, 22, that I had not yet the maturity to INDIVIDUATE from all the indoctrination of my family of origin, even though I really was trying. Is this an experience of any of the other posters in my predicament?? I truly pity anyone who has to grow up with the ultra conservative religious crap I did! It is taking me my entire life to extricate myself from the consequences of such a punitive puritanical upbringing...
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I could imagine sex with the near-EA guy so easily and couldn't imagine sex with my husband........ does ur husband know that ? No... why should he know about something that could hurt him that only happened in my imagination?
bestplayer Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 No... why should he know about something that could hurt him that only happened in my imagination? so u do love ur husband ...right ?
Tethys Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I can relate, yep.... In my case when we first got together, we were such good friends. He was smart and good-looking too. Despite that... oddly enough, no real sexual chemistry at all. It's weird but I have come to the realization that sexual and emotional chemistry are NOT (at least for me) about looks. It's mainly about personality. I too, assumed that the lack of sexual and emotional chemistry didn't matter because I had a "good man" who had the right "stats" and we were comfortable together too. Over the years as the romance and sex dwindled away I just assumed that was totally normal. We were living as roommates but wasn't that typical of most married couples? Or, I thought it was just a rough spot and it would go away. Then we both noticed that we had to force ourselves to have sex. So he got snipped several years ago. We figured then we would be free to play and get back in the game. It didn't work. In fact after he got snipped we had sex even less. And now it's been a couple of years since we've had sex at all. Lots of other complicating stuff I won't go into. I got my eyes opened when I started drifting into an EA. That stopped but it made me wake up and realize that things were not okay the way they were. I could imagine sex with the near-EA guy so easily and couldn't imagine sex with my husband. It made me realize something was very wrong. That I didn't want to live the rest of my life in a roommate marriage. Anyway, yes, been there... Simply - Where are you now? Have you divorced your husband? Have you found someone else? For those of us in a similar situation who are wondering if it gets better when one leaves this sort of relationship.
Tethys Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 so u do love ur husband ...right ? Oh brother. Sorry, but I can see the Puritanical direction this is going in.
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 bestplayer, there's a world of difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. I can equate, so let's not go there.....
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Simply - Where are you now? Have you divorced your husband? Have you found someone else? For those of us in a similar situation who are wondering if it gets better when one leaves this sort of relationship. We'll be going through a trial separation of at least six months. I'm moving out in a few weeks. I'm not interested in meeting new men at all right now; I want to see if the separation stirs up any change in feeling and/or missing him and/or a chance to start over, or whether it will solidify the feelings that the marriage is over.
Simon Attwood Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 A different perspective; You seem to be judging Love based upon an earlier experience of love. There is a fundamental reason why we never love like we first loved that can be summed up in 2 words; SOMATIC MARKER. This is especially so if the break from the first love was a very difficult and painful break. A Somatic Marker is a pre-programmed and thus automatic emotional response to a previous emotional experience. The more painful and traumatic the past emotional experience, the more powerful is the Somatic Marker and the more that Somatic Marker will influence your emotional responses in your present. In other words, you can’t love with the abandon like you did before because mechanisms have been established in you that block the free flowing love experience because it was perceived as being a threat to your ego/identity. You will never ever find that kind of love again until you are able to remove the blockages set up in your emotional mind, then you will realise that love is not something we receive from others, but rather something that we release from ourselves when we find someone else that it feels safe enough to give it to. Your problem, I believe, is that you don’t currently feel safe enough letting that love free and you haven’t since your current relationship started, and you won’t until you find the things inside you that are causing you to keep your heart protected. If you key in to your true heart, you will know the difference between the dysfunctional and the constructive advice given here
dazzle22 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 For people struggling with whether your love is one where the power of passion can ever be stoked, or stoked again, I would suggest reading "Mating in Captivity". I found it very thought provoking. I don't agree with everything but there are some really interesting ideas such as " in our efforts to establish intimacy we often seek to eliminate otherness, thereby precluding the space necessary for desire to flourish"... "Love is about having, desire is about wanting. Too often couples settle into the comforts of love, and cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air".. There is nothing wrong with having just a comfort companion -based marriage, unless you secretly long for passion...
Recommended Posts