Is my marriage a mistake?

[2geminis]

Hi all...verrry new to this. Thanks in advance for your time. Don't know where to start...been married for 15 years and have children. Wasn't attracted to husband when I married him, but he's smart and nice and after dating quite a bit decided that the 'falling madly in love' thing just doesn't happen twice and if I couldn't make it work with him then I wasn't going to make it work with anyone. Just a decent person, yk? I just sound bad already. Had a rocky first 3 years, separated twice, and when I came back to him the 2nd time I thought I had it figured out and I knew I didn't want divorce in my life. Catholic and all, it'd just be a bad think yk? I could overcome the differences we had to make it work. Come to find out now, he was pretty done with me then but says I just didn't give him the chance to say so. (?) He's emotionally unavailable to me and I return in kind. We are very lonely people in our marriage. But we get along for the most part. He's a good job. I quit work to be home with kids. Counselor says we're pretty much living on parallel patterns vs. intertwined. That's true, I'd say. I think the distance between us makes it easier for us to stay together if that makes sense. And then there's the intimacy. We have none. No emotional or sexual intimacy. And he agrees. And I hate to say this...reallly hate to say it....but I've never, ever given myself to him totally. Ever. Emotionally or otherwise. He's amazed that we're still together after all this time. Our intimacy is like...idk...I smile, try to look like I'm happy and wait till it's over. He never touches me, cuddles or anything. Hugs goodby and a peck on the mouth is about the extent. I've periodically told him we had to stay together for the kids. And so we have. He's refused to see a counselor in the past when I've asked him. I am seeing one now and we have joint appts. but he's not hopeful of the exercise...yet says he wants us to not divorce. I've had physical attractions to other men and crushes that I've waited out until they're gone. I'm married for heaven's sake, right? But then a few months ago, I got into a funk because I ran into my ex-fiance in my home town and it was like getting hit by a huge flipping truck. I know he still loves me. And I can't believe I'll never have love like that in my life. I'll never have that emotional or sexual connection with someone. Being with my husband just feels wrong. I've never touched his face. I have to force myself to reach out to him during intimacy. And I don't know how to overcome that. He's changed tho he says and now has a tatoo to anchor it and talks to me more and is happier since he's done it but it doesn't change the way I feel or my obstacles. Trying to talk with a counselor. Feeling really stupid and horrible about it all. Especially for my kids.

[Jeff1962]

Hi all...verrry new to this. Thanks in advance for your time. Don't know where to start...been married for 15 years and have children. Wasn't attracted to husband when I married him, but he's smart and nice and after dating quite a bit decided that the 'falling madly in love' thing just doesn't happen twice and if I couldn't make it work with him then I wasn't going to make it work with anyone. Just a decent person, yk? I just sound bad already. Had a rocky first 3 years, separated twice, and when I came back to him the 2nd time I thought I had it figured out and I knew I didn't want divorce in my life. Catholic and all, it'd just be a bad think yk? I could overcome the differences we had to make it work. Come to find out now, he was pretty done with me then but says I just didn't give him the chance to say so. (?) He's emotionally unavailable to me and I return in kind. We are very lonely people in our marriage. But we get along for the most part. He's a good job. I quit work to be home with kids. Counselor says we're pretty much living on parallel patterns vs. intertwined. That's true, I'd say. I think the distance between us makes it easier for us to stay together if that makes sense. And then there's the intimacy. We have none. No emotional or sexual intimacy. And he agrees. And I hate to say this...reallly hate to say it....but I've never, ever given myself to him totally. Ever. Emotionally or otherwise. He's amazed that we're still together after all this time. Our intimacy is like...idk...I smile, try to look like I'm happy and wait till it's over. He never touches me, cuddles or anything. Hugs goodby and a peck on the mouth is about the extent. I've periodically told him we had to stay together for the kids. And so we have. He's refused to see a counselor in the past when I've asked him. I am seeing one now and we have joint appts. but he's not hopeful of the exercise...yet says he wants us to not divorce. I've had physical attractions to other men and crushes that I've waited out until they're gone. I'm married for heaven's sake, right? But then a few months ago, I got into a funk because I ran into my ex-fiance in my home town and it was like getting hit by a huge flipping truck. I know he still loves me. And I can't believe I'll never have love like that in my life. I'll never have that emotional or sexual connection with someone. Being with my husband just feels wrong. I've never touched his face. I have to force myself to reach out to him during intimacy. And I don't know how to overcome that. He's changed tho he says and now has a tatoo to anchor it and talks to me more and is happier since he's done it but it doesn't change the way I feel or my obstacles. Trying to talk with a counselor. Feeling really stupid and horrible about it all. Especially for my kids.

 

Based off of your words alone, do yourself, your H. and your kids a favor. Get a divorce and move on. Sounds to me like you married him for security only. Love does happen twice, love is where you find it.

 

Good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

Your marriage reads almost exactly like mine.

My ex and I divorced after 23 years for just about exactly the same reasons.

Please, don't wait as long as I did.

(BTW...We got married in a RC church, full nuptual mass, and raised the kids as Catholic, went to church, all that stuff. So I do understand that part. But really, it's a matter between you guys. Not the church.

 

You get married in Church.

you get divorced in Court. Ok?

[Quest]

And I can't believe I'll never have love like that in my life. I'll never have that emotional or sexual connection with someone. Being with my husband just feels wrong.

 

I guess in the past a lot of couples stayed together because divorce was basically 'not done' and women didn't have as many options as they do today. Nowadays we don't have to stay in marriages for financial reasons or because it's hard (or disgraceful) to get a divorce. Even where kids are concerned there's a lot of people would say they are happier with one happy parent than two unhappy ones ... So, you're not happy, your husband isn't happy, you live in age when divorce is possible and accepted, when raising kids on your own or with joint custody is practically the norm - why continue? That doesn't mean you'll automatically have a fantastic connection with someone else but it raises the chances of it happening, surely?!

[AmIParanoid]

You and your husband both sound like extremely repressed individuals. Your repression will not be changed by throwing away your marriage.

 

First, you can try some simple things such as not calling it "intimacy" (WTF?)

 

It's "f*cking". That's what you should call it, esp. when talking about it with your husband.

 

Dump the kids off with grandma for a long weekend. Get some kinky lingerie, massage oils, flavored lube, scented candles, and spring for a couple of vibrators/dildoes. Practice using them on yourself. Do you know how to make yourself have an orgasm? Figure out how to make yourself have a few good orgasms by yourself first, you really need to lighten up, relax, and enjoy life.

 

Then put on the sexy lingerie, set out the candles, lube, massage oil etc. Then seduce your H. "Honey come in the bedroom I want to show you something." Then have him watch while you use the vibe(s) on yourself. After you have brought yourself to a screaming orgasm, look your H straight in the eye and say "Now it's your turn. Would you like to try?"

 

If he asks why you have changed tell him you want to try to save your marriage. Tell him you need him to hug you and kiss you.

 

Watch some porn on the internet and figure out how to give a good blowjob. Tell your husband you want to try giving him a blowjob that will knock his head off. Just to see if you can do it.

 

After all if you think you're headed for divorce anyway, why not?

 

This is probably taking you way out of your comfort zone but that's what you need to do.

 

As far as not having lovey-dovey feelings towards your H, how could you possibly feel that way when both of you are so emotionally repressed, dried up, and cut off from each other?

 

Shave your p*ssy. Put some of the flavored lube down there and tell your H you want him to eat you out.

 

Tickle him. Tease him.

 

Don't tell him you want "intimacy." Tell him: "F*ck me HARD!" Try a little light bondage, get a couple of neck ties and ask him to tie your hands to the bedposts.

 

Tell him you want to jack him off just to see him c*um and then do it. Pull his pants down. Start wanking him.

 

Now this is all going to freak him and you out. So you might want to start off with a couple of nice bottles of wine to loosen both of you up. If you smoke marijuana light up a doobie although I think it's rather obvious that you and your spouse probably have never indulged in the stuff. Or go to the doctor and get a prescription for some kind of tranquilizer that will loosen you up but won't knock you for a loop.

 

I mean what the h*ell do you think the rest of us do to spice up our marriages? We don't sit around moping and complaining about some lost love and being bitchy to each other about it. Not if we want to have a successful marriage.

 

It's up to you. It's worth a try. You might find that if you can bring yourself to start initiating some things with your H he might respond in kind and in a way which you never imagined. It sounds like both of you have gotten into a pattern of being afraid to reach out to each other. I don't want to blame it on the Catholic upbringing but that might be part of it. Were your parents repressed?

 

Talk to each other. Really talk to each other. Make the time.

 

This is not hopeless. You would not have stayed in this for 15 years if you didn't think it meant something.

 

But you have to take chances and you have to take risks. You will be making yourself vulnerable to rejection and it might take both of you some time to get used to your new relationship. But if you can swing this you may have a chance for an incredible level of happiness.

 

It's up to you. Now go for it.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh yuk, gimme a break.....!

Why should she do all the hard work?!

 

if they really both want to make a go of it, counselling might work, so that they can both see what each of them needs to do.

But if it's this far gone, believe me - the above plan - horny as it might be - won't work.

Why?

Because it will make you feel sick to your stomach to even do that with a person you have no sexual feelings towards at all.

 

Remember she didn't love him when she married him.

There's no way to bring something back - if it was never there in the first place.

[AmIParanoid]

Oh yuk, gimme a break.....!

Why should she do all the hard work?!

 

LOL at "yuk." Yup, Billy Joel was right--you Catholic girls are raised to think that "sex stuff" is "yuk," aren't you? (Hey I married a Catholic girl myself!)

 

I agree that she shouldn't do all the hard work, it takes two to tango. However she's the one who posted here. If her H posted I would basically be telling him something similar only from the "male" standpoint: i.e. things he might do that are loving and sensual and encouraging for his wife to open up to him. But if both are afraid to reach out someone has to "bite the bullet" and take the first step or first series of steps. If it doesn't work, at least you tried, right?

 

if they really both want to make a go of it, counselling might work, so that they can both see what each of them needs to do.

But if it's this far gone, believe me - the above plan - horny as it might be - won't work.

Why?

Because it will make you feel sick to your stomach to even do that with a person you have no sexual feelings towards at all.

 

I respectfully disagree, I believe what is often involved in these types of situations is learned dysfunctional behaviors. Or, maybe people who never learned how to be sexual and intimate with one another in a meaningful way in the first place. And they are too ashamed of or out of touch with their sexuality to know what to do about it. It is never too late to learn.

 

As I said my wife is Catholic. After I found out about her past infidelities last year (they occurred 18 years ago prior to our marriage), we made renewed efforts at our own level of intimacy. We did some of the things that I am suggesting here. Example: I impulsively bought my wife a vibrator. Guess what? Turns out it was the first vibrator she ever owned. And she in her late 40's. But that's an Irish Catholic "good girl," right?

 

None of this is guaranteed, they are simply suggestions. Reading between the lines, I don't get a sense of someone who wants to willingly give up on her marriage, I get a sense of someone who just doesn't know what to do.

 

I can tell you this: anyone who can't bring herself to refer to "sex" as "sex" rather than using a vague euphemism such as "intimacy", and on an anonymous internet message board no less, is probably an extremely repressed individual, sexually and probably emotionally. Dumping this marriage will not change that, and the individual will carry that repression into the next relationship. The ex-fiance from 15 years ago is a "lost love" fantasy. We don't really know why but surely there is a reason why the "ex" is an "ex" and they never got married, right? The grass is always greener etc.

 

The OP and her husband surely know at least some of the rudimentary mechanics of having sexual relations as they have children and I presume they did not use the turkey baster method. But it sounds like neither of them ever learned how to go much beyond Square One. I don't know how much prior experience either OP or her H had but maybe it was not much at all. It sounds to me really like H never learned how to make love to his wife. And perhaps she never learned how to make love to her H.

 

Women and men tend to fall in love with partners who they are able to have good orgasms with. Releases endorphins, prolactins, etc. Good sex reinforces the emotional bonds. And even if that doesn't work, at least they will get some good sex out of it.

 

 

 

Remember she didn't love him when she married him.

There's no way to bring something back - if it was never there in the first place.

 

 

Well she says NOW that she "never loved him." She had to have had some emotional attachment, probably a pretty strong one, to have married him and stuck with him all this time.

 

Look at the title of her thread. It's not a statement. It's a question.

 

She has it within her power, perhaps, with a lot of effort and perhaps some luck, and hopefully cooperation from her H, to write additional chapters to the story of her marriage. Those are blank pages right now as the future has not been written. 15 years is a big investment and it would be a shame to think that the relationship could have been turned around if only one or the other of the partners had done some relatively simple things to try to increase the level of affection in the relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, I'm an 'ex-catholic girl'... and sex has always been great fun to me. Just not with the man I married....

I discovered that the reason I hated sex with him, was not because I hated sex.

I just never liked it. with him.

the thought of having sex with someone I don't love, is just abhorrent to me....

 

Let's wait and see what the OP says, huh?

[AmIParanoid]

First of all, I'm an 'ex-catholic girl'... and sex has always been great fun to me. Just not with the man I married....

I discovered that the reason I hated sex with him, was not because I hated sex.

I just never liked it. with him.

the thought of having sex with someone I don't love, is just abhorrent to me....

 

Let's wait and see what the OP says, huh?

 

LOL, so sex was always great fun for you, with the exception of the 23 years you were married to your H? And that was all your H's fault? O.K. whatever.

 

Tell me Tara in any of these 23 years of marriage did you ever condescend to give your H a mind-blowing, toe-curling wet sloppy bj, and then ask him to reciprocate?

 

If not then respectfully you weren't really trying. JMHO.

Edited January 8, 2010 by AmIParanoid

[TaraMaiden]

LOL, so sex was always great fun for you, with the exception of the 23 years you were married to your H? And that was all your H's fault? O.K. whatever.

I never ever said at any point, ever, that it was all his fault.

If you've picked that up, thst was your assumption.

I realised after we had divorced that my aversion to sex, was becsuse I was completely turned off by the idea of having sex with him.

I believed - and had been led to believe by various experts, psychosexual counsellors and therapists - that I was frigid, asexual and that there was something wrong with me.

There isn't and there wasn't. I just didn't love the man.

Ok?

 

 

Tell me Tara in any of these 23 years of marriage did you ever condescend to give your H a mind-blowing, toe-curling wet sloppy bj, and then ask him to reciprocate?

 

'Condescend' is a patronising word, and I'll ignore the inference....

yes.

With honey, butter, mashed bananas and double cream.

at various times.

reciprocate?

In spite of several lessons, hints, tips and suggestions, the man was lousy at oral sex, and not all that good a lover, either.

But as I said - all these problems were actually made out to be mine, not his.

I was made to believe for the majority of my marriage, that the 'fault' actually lay with me, and my sexlessness.

I now know that to be completely and utterly false.

 

 

 

If not then respectfully you weren't really trying. JMHO.

You have no idea in actual fact, how bloody hard I really did try.

This is why I feel fully qualified to tell the OP precisely what I told her.

 

I hope that answers your questions.....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes it is better to be happily divorced and be friends than it is to be miserably married and just tolerate each other. My stbxH and I are divorcing, really good friends, great parenting partners but were lousy together as husband and wife. We each have other people in our lives which are better romantic/emotional/sexual matches and are stronger people and parents apart than we were together. Not every marriage needs to be saved. There are economical and amicable ways to divorce. It sounds like your situation might be best off dissolved and worked into a separate parenting arrangement.

[whichwayisup]

I second LB's post.

 

Just sit your H down and let him know how you feel. Speak from your heart, make sure he knows you do care for him, alot and do love him but somthing IS definately missing between you two as husband and wife. The more honest and respectful you are about how you feel when you talk to him, the better he'll response.. Last thing you need is a huge fight and a custody battle..Make it positive, like both of you can still be involved in eaehothers lives just not under the same roof.

[carhill]

Since I have a feeling the OP won't be back , anyone want to opine why the 'fiance' she's all atwitter about is an 'ex'?

 

Armchair psychology at its best

[2geminis]

FOA, thanks for the feedback especially you IAmParanoid (IAP) tho it says so much more of you than me which I am sure you will not resist retort. Have the last word, by all means. SOA, well, I was fairly young with the ex and thought I was too young to be married at the time. I asked him for time to grow a bit and he was hurt by my request. I hadn't even really moved out of my parents house, yk? Maybe true love is a joke, but if it's not, that's the closest I've ever come to it. TOA...gawd, people, I don't know how to talk on these things...geez...so shoot me for using some discretion. Though I am slightly offended by the other end of the spectrum which IAP was so dubious to share. I was just trying to be respectful. Fourth of all, marrying him was sensible. I didn't want to live in lala land with the whole 'love' thing. I mean,in the end, love is a choice, right? Well, maybe I was still too young to realize that intimacy, sexual and emotional is reallllly important. I had one 4yr relationship, and two 1+yr relationships and lots of dating in between, so I've had fun healthy sexual relations. H was then and still is a nice guy and smart. I feel horrible at having possibly cheated him of some woman who would just ravage him and have such great passion for him. I still think he doesn't realize what he's missing and maybe he never will. And I am painfully aware of what I am missing.

 

So I'm sure I've missed some point. I don't spend a lot of time on-line, so I may or may not be back soon. Hard to tell. Thanks though. I appreciate what you all have said. I'm still trying to resolve the whole divorce thing. I feel terrible about it. And realllly responsible.

[dazzle22]

I also know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. (I have been maligned and castigated in one thread for this..) I married someone who was a friend but I was not in love with, same reason, we'll "grow into love", tried to tell myself "falling in love is not real" anyway, etc..(the man I was in love with wanted to pursue career first), so I tried to "move on"...

 

Problem is, when you marry someone who is more of a platonic friend, you just can't "muster up" those passionate feelings if they are not there to start with no matter how you try, or what techniques you try to add. In truth, marriage is by definition a very sexual relationship,(or SHOULD be) so in this day and age without all the antiquated constraints of past eras, we shouldn't be marrying someone we aren't sexually attracted to if we want to have a romantic marriage and not one of "convenience".

 

I pulled the plug on my passionless marriage, and my ex was very angry with me, even though we had always had huge problems. Now, 4 yrs later, he has found someone who is MUCH better suited for him, and looks very very happy, much happier than we were together, and I am too. If you can, try to stay friends and have an amicable divorce is my suggestion. I am sure someone will try to torch me for this, but it's already been done, ok? No one can really understand if they haven't been there.

 

As far as your kids go, they can sense tensions you wouldn't even think they could possibly know about, so it probably won't surprise them...

[giotto]

You and your husband both sound like extremely repressed individuals. Your repression will not be changed by throwing away your marriage.

 

First, you can try some simple things such as not calling it "intimacy" (WTF?)

 

It's "f*cking". That's what you should call it, esp. when talking about it with your husband.

 

Dump the kids off with grandma for a long weekend. Get some kinky lingerie, massage oils, flavored lube, scented candles, and spring for a couple of vibrators/dildoes. Practice using them on yourself. Do you know how to make yourself have an orgasm? Figure out how to make yourself have a few good orgasms by yourself first, you really need to lighten up, relax, and enjoy life.

 

Then put on the sexy lingerie, set out the candles, lube, massage oil etc. Then seduce your H. "Honey come in the bedroom I want to show you something." Then have him watch while you use the vibe(s) on yourself. After you have brought yourself to a screaming orgasm, look your H straight in the eye and say "Now it's your turn. Would you like to try?"

 

If he asks why you have changed tell him you want to try to save your marriage. Tell him you need him to hug you and kiss you.

 

Watch some porn on the internet and figure out how to give a good blowjob. Tell your husband you want to try giving him a blowjob that will knock his head off. Just to see if you can do it.

 

After all if you think you're headed for divorce anyway, why not?

 

This is probably taking you way out of your comfort zone but that's what you need to do.

 

As far as not having lovey-dovey feelings towards your H, how could you possibly feel that way when both of you are so emotionally repressed, dried up, and cut off from each other?

 

Shave your p*ssy. Put some of the flavored lube down there and tell your H you want him to eat you out.

 

Tickle him. Tease him.

 

Don't tell him you want "intimacy." Tell him: "F*ck me HARD!" Try a little light bondage, get a couple of neck ties and ask him to tie your hands to the bedposts.

 

Tell him you want to jack him off just to see him c*um and then do it. Pull his pants down. Start wanking him.

 

Now this is all going to freak him and you out. So you might want to start off with a couple of nice bottles of wine to loosen both of you up. If you smoke marijuana light up a doobie although I think it's rather obvious that you and your spouse probably have never indulged in the stuff. Or go to the doctor and get a prescription for some kind of tranquilizer that will loosen you up but won't knock you for a loop.

 

I mean what the h*ell do you think the rest of us do to spice up our marriages? We don't sit around moping and complaining about some lost love and being bitchy to each other about it. Not if we want to have a successful marriage.

 

It's up to you. It's worth a try. You might find that if you can bring yourself to start initiating some things with your H he might respond in kind and in a way which you never imagined. It sounds like both of you have gotten into a pattern of being afraid to reach out to each other. I don't want to blame it on the Catholic upbringing but that might be part of it. Were your parents repressed?

 

Talk to each other. Really talk to each other. Make the time.

 

This is not hopeless. You would not have stayed in this for 15 years if you didn't think it meant something.

 

But you have to take chances and you have to take risks. You will be making yourself vulnerable to rejection and it might take both of you some time to get used to your new relationship. But if you can swing this you may have a chance for an incredible level of happiness.

 

It's up to you. Now go for it.

 

Yoy are missing a big point... she is not physically attracted to him...

[ann09]

First of all, I'm an 'ex-catholic girl'... and sex has always been great fun to me. Just not with the man I married....

I discovered that the reason I hated sex with him, was not because I hated sex.

I just never liked it. with him.

the thought of having sex with someone I don't love, is just abhorrent to me....

 

Let's wait and see what the OP says, huh?

 

 

Yep, yep, and yep.

 

I relate to so much of this. "abhorrent" is a great word to describe how it feels to be intimate with someone you don't want to be with. Sadly, I felt that way through most of my marriage - but tried so hard not to. It wasn't a conscious decision - it was just how I felt. Then, after so much time, I realized I couldn't do that to myself anymore because it was killing my soul. Sex is the most intimate act you can do with another. To me, you're not just giving your body - but your mind, heart and soul. If you're not emotionally connected, how the hell does that work?

 

I agree the OP needs to move on. I am not condoning ending marriages without trying to make them work - but her story is so similar to mine and I could feel her emotions as I read her words.

 

Saying "f*** me hard" and trying to become a sexual prowless with him is NOT going to change anything. Maybe some people just can't have sex like that. I can't. And I am not catholic and not a prude. It has to be with someone I love - am in love with - adore - admire - cherish.

[Tethys]

You and your husband both sound like extremely repressed individuals. Your repression will not be changed by throwing away your marriage.

 

First, you can try some simple things such as not calling it "intimacy" (WTF?)

 

It's "f*cking". That's what you should call it, esp. when talking about it with your husband.

 

Dump the kids off with grandma for a long weekend. ...

 

I'm a pretty emotionally-detached and sexually-repressed guy and even I've come to the realization that good satisfying sex comes from mental chemistry/connection. I can only imagine that what Paranoid's suggesting would probably be hard to just jump into. Good sex is hard to just will into existence.

 

But I agree this use of "intimacy" does make it sounds like this woman is very repressed and she might want to try using words that aren't so 1950s/Catholic nun-style terminology (sex, making love).

[Tethys]

I also know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. (I have been maligned and castigated in one thread for this..) I married someone who was a friend but I was not in love with, same reason, we'll "grow into love", tried to tell myself "falling in love is not real" anyway, etc..(the man I was in love with wanted to pursue career first), so I tried to "move on"...

 

Problem is, when you marry someone who is more of a platonic friend, you just can't "muster up" those passionate feelings if they are not there to start with no matter how you try, or what techniques you try to add. In truth, marriage is by definition a very sexual relationship,(or SHOULD be) so in this day and age without all the antiquated constraints of past eras, we shouldn't be marrying someone we aren't sexually attracted to if we want to have a romantic marriage and not one of "convenience".

 

I pulled the plug on my passionless marriage, and my ex was very angry with me, even though we had always had huge problems. Now, 4 yrs later, he has found someone who is MUCH better suited for him, and looks very very happy, much happier than we were together, and I am too. If you can, try to stay friends and have an amicable divorce is my suggestion. I am sure someone will try to torch me for this, but it's already been done, ok? No one can really understand if they haven't been there.

 

As far as your kids go, they can sense tensions you wouldn't even think they could possibly know about, so it probably won't surprise them...

 

Sorry if I may be high-jacking this thread (although the OP wasn't sure whether she'd be back or not), but Dazzle - I'm really interested to hear what advice you'd have for me. I'm really close to marrying my g/f of 6 years and it sounds like my situation is a lot like what you and possibly Tara Maiden(?) have experienced: I'm with someone who I get along with really well (no arguments, we're both easy-going towards each other's wishes) and who is nice, successful, well-liked by friends and family, but with whom I've never been particularly drawn to sexually or physically (except for maybe the first month or two when everything was new), and the sex is lacking (although I have to take some of the blame for that).

 

Well, I know what I *should* do, but it's getting up the courage and motivation to do it. We've been talking about having a very small, quick wedding and then buying a house, and I've been thinking that I could make it through another 2 years with her before I really started to get bored and restless, but that's probably poor motivation for taking these steps. (I'm not even sure I could get myself to marry her if it weren't for buying a house.)

 

Ok, I *know* I should be honest with her and avoid this, but how does one get up the strength?

[dazzle22]

THIS POST IS JUST FOR TETHYS. ALL OTHER ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGISTS-STAY AWAY PLEASE. HURTFUL COMMENTS NOT WELCOME....unless you have never made a mistake in your life....

 

Tethys, sorry to hear you are in this situation too, but at least you are facing your feelings straight on at this point. I just kept "stuffing" them down in hopes they would go away. I tried to WILL them away, as insignificant...Very bad idea..

 

You need to imagine you can look into a crystal ball and "look" into your future, even just 10 years down the road, let alone 25 years, like me. Really let your subconscious go and imagine all the details. These are the details...

 

-by now, because there was very little sexual chemistry, sex will be almost automatic, and maybe one or two times a month, like you are going through motions, but there is a total disconnect. You won't even be able to french kiss her on the mouth. You will look at other couples who have that great chemistry and just ache inside that you can't have that too even though you have done everything you can think of to "muster it up". You try marital therapy. Nothing works. The littlest things about her personality will really start to bug you.

 

-you will start to have emotional feelings for friends or co workers and you will have to constantly stop yourself from flirting when you see they are interested too, when they say things like..."Gee, your husband is a luckly guy.." and you will feel hollow and empty inside. You will feel you are in a charade, and that you were from the start, and you will get angry at yourself for this, and say, "why didn't I just....what was WRONG with me?...I was so stupid-I ruined both our lives..."

 

-you will try to distract yourself with other things, throwing yourself into work, hobbies, whatever, to distract yourself from your unhappiness. You will start to feel "dead" inside..

 

-your marriage will be like two roommates, sometimes w/spats, but no real connection. Both of you will start to justify that it is totally fine to live "parallel lives" and these couples who are so in love are enmeshed, as you envy them.

 

-you will go on grand trips together and wish you were there with someone else. You will have difficulty living the moment because now your mind has taken to living in fantasy to escape your own dead life that has no romance in it.

 

-at some point you will have nagging thoughts about what would divorce look like. Who would be upset, angry, who gets what, and let me tell you at that point the house will look like the "albatross" that took you to the bottom of the sea!

 

-this of course is all if you have the great strength to avoid an affair with others who are constantly giving you hints that "if I were your husband, I would never ignore you like that..."

 

-then you decide the PAIN OF CHANGE IS FINALLY LESS THAN THE PAIN OF STAYING THE SAME, and you drop the D word...Hell ensues...

 

-and you will forever ask yourself, "Why the hell did I not have the courage to pull the plug BEFORE I lived my whole youth with someone I was not crazy in love with?? What WAS I thinking??" Lots of REMORSE.

 

-fast forward 4 years. Both I and my ex have found others much better suited for us, and I can't believe how good the feeling is to go to sleep at night with someone I am in love with, and I mourn my lost youth.....

 

Do yourself and her a favor and break it off. You sound like good friends, so try to go that route. At the back end, you will not be friends anymore.

 

...and that is how this movie ends.....

[TaraMaiden]

FOA, thanks for the feedback ...(. . .) SOA, well, I was fairly young...(. . .) TOA...gawd, people, I don't know how to talk on these things...

 

Sorry people...

(Slightly off-topic....

What are FOA, SOA, and TOA....?

 

Tried working it out, but am particularly prone to thickedness at times....

 

Thanks!

[carhill]

So, if deciphering correctly, the ex-fiance was a first serious love but 'not grown up enough' for a healthy marriage. OK, that's cool. OP goes on to marry someone she has no passion for. Ex-fiance re-enters picture many years later. So, who is the guy now? How well do you know him in the here and now? Have you been having an affair with him, since you're talking about 'emotional and sexual connection' like it is in the present?

 

I'll have more questions later

[Church Bells]

Anyone else see a budding affair, with a little re-writing of marital history to justify the OP's future actions???

[dazzle22]

Anyone else see a budding affair, with a little re-writing of marital history to justify the OP's future actions???

 

 

Not necessarily rewriting of history, sounds pretty honest to me, but YES, big risk of affair. She is emotionally vulnerable and ripe for this at this point.

I strongly advise OP to back off from the ex fiance and not muddy the waters, and decide what she wants to do with her marriage first. I always resisted the temptations, with the thought that it merely would be making an already bad situation much WORSE...

[Church Bells]

Not necessarily rewriting of history, sounds pretty honest to me, but YES, big risk of affair.

 

I don't know ... its just that when I read a post by a wife talking about how she was never really attracted to her husband ... followed by the admission that she has recently "met" someone from her past, or who really "understands" her ... my BS (not Betrayed Spouse) alarm sounds off.

 

I'd say in the majority of cases like this (and we have seen dozens with this backstory) ... in reality ... the wife's thinking is swayed much more by the possibilities of the "new guy", than the shortcomings of her H.