4321sn Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I am a MW who has been involved with a MM for the past 7 months. Both of us have been unhappy in our marriages for many years. Neither of us have had previous affairs. We both married very young...My H is very unemotional, and distant...MM says he has never had intimacy in his marriage, from the very start and his wife will not go to therapy insisting that he expects too much and the marital problems are his issue. He went to therapy alone, but one person cannot fix a broken marriage by themselves. Hes been married over 18 yrs and Ive been married 13. Work and child rearing provided distractions from the marital issues for many years... From very early on we knew that we wanted to be together. We spend 2-3 days a week together and have had several weekend trips. We speak on the phone everyday...several times a day and stay in constant contact via text. Unfortunately my H discovered the affair after less than 2 months due to me beeing careless with my phone calls. I agreed to go to therapy even though I knew it was over...I finally told him that I want a divorce. He is obviously devastated, and angry. We are living in the house together for financial reasons... MM has attempted to have several conversations with W. She has said that the marriage has been terrible for the past two years, then would not talk about it any further. Today he is having a conversation with her saying that if she does not care enough about the Marriage to go to thereapy then it needs to be disolved. If she agrees to go, he will use it as an opportunity to make her realize that the marriage is over and needs to end. I would like opinions on a few things...He obviously does not want to tell her that the reason he is ending the marriage is because he has met someone else. We both have children...his are teenagers...and I do not want them to blame me for the breakdown of their parents marriage and end up resenting me. He is a VERY hands on father and loves them dearly. We are both close with our families and are trying to get through this doing the least amount of damage possible to our children and our extended families. Is this even possible??? Im sure they will suspect but we dont want to make it obvious...we want to be sensitive about everyones feelings because we realize this is not just about us. We are planning on moving in together, and plan to marry eventually...What is the best way to go about this? We live about 50 miles apart so we have found a place closer to me so my kids can remain in their school but only about a 40 min drive away from his. We are thinking that he will move into a place first...his kids will remain with their mother. How long before I should introduce my children to him and visaversa? How long before we can move in together? We are thinking he would move April 1st then I will follow 6 weeks later...is that too soon??? I know we created this situation and our children didnt ask for this. We want to to this as gently as possible. Our kids have seen us in unhappy, relationships for so long and at this point staying will cause more damage than leaving. We both agree that our marriages need to end regardless. Perhaps it would not have happened at this particular time but eveutually they would have. We love one another very much and want our children to see a good example to two people who and loving are treat one another with kindness...not coldness and anger... Thank you for reading, and I appreciate your feedback
Author 4321sn Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 You are right...I was foolish to think that 6 weeks was enough time... What do you think an appropriate time frame for meeting would be?
bentnotbroken Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Why does there have to be a time frame? Why can't it just be when it seems like when the kids are ready? Teens aren't as easy as you think. They deal with emotions that are like mini explosions most days. Add to that divorce and when they find out you were involved (they always do even the ones who accepted the ow) they will need an adjustment time.
Author 4321sn Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 The reason for the time frame is a financial one. It is not possible for us each to support separate residences for very long. He will be paying alimony and child support and I am just re entering the work force. This is where the legistics of it come into play.... I am selling my home and should be able to stay with my parents for a few months at least. Its so complicated.
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You very much covered with the A fog ... not thinking straight. You playing your husband that you wish to attend therapy whilst in your mind you already knew you are heading miles away. You and OM are clearly deceiving yourselves. Like BB07 said you are going to hit complications ahead. Wake up.
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 You are right...I was foolish to think that 6 weeks was enough time... What do you think an appropriate time frame for meeting would be? No woman will EVEN MEET my children until a CALENDAR year of us seriously dating and its an establish R. End of discussion for me. Luckily, my current GF understands. No...my children do NOT know she exists. Nor will they until I am reasonably certain that there is a future here...ie more than just GF. I am of the opinion that after the upheaval of divorce the kids need CERTAINITY (mine are 6 and 4). Older children may be able to understand. One drawback of having children IS the loss of ABSOLUTE freedom when it comes to some personal issues....like marriage and moving in with another. Move carefully and consider ALL children (even the teens) involved...
bestplayer Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I don't think there is any way to even venture a guess at that, you'll just have to see how things go but if I had to give a time frame, I'd say you shouldn't even consider it for at least a year. I'm afraid that there are tons of things that you are going to be hit with that you've probably not even imagined yet. Even though you want out of the marriage, you still have to mourn it, grieve it. If you jump right into it with your OM, then you aren't going to have the time for yourself to heal and how can you be at your best if you don't take some time to get your head where it should be? why she has to mourn or grieve if she does not feel like mourning ? is it for the society ? so u r asking her to just fake mourning
OWoman Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 My H was upfront with his kids (teens) before the split with his xW - they knew that I existed, they knew that he was going to leave their mother and they knew that he and I planned to get together once he'd done so. And so, when he told his xW he was leaving, and left - they were fully prepared, and looking forward to meeting me. We didn't immediately move in together - it was about 6 months - but there were no problems at all from the kids (despite their mother's best efforts...). Teens are old enough to understand relationship issues, and appreciate being treated with respect, as "adults" (ie, not spoken down to as kids, or not kept out of the loop). His R with them took off as a result of the split - they are far closer now than they ever were before. Your kids may be more of an issue though, depending on how you handle it and what has already gone down because of the way your H discovered the A, and may have responded to it to prejudice them against you / your MM. Good luck!
bestplayer Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I'm not asking her to do or fake anything......duh! It's natural to mourn the end of a relationship. It doesn't matter if its your choosing or your partners. Endings are hard. BB07 , ofcourse u r not asking her to fake it , but fortunately what u call natural does not happen 100% times . OP had been unhappy in her marriage & would have stayed like this her whole life if she did not have this affair . So what is there for her to mourn ? what is she losing ? It makes sense if her husband is devastated because she's gently dumping him for another man . but what makes this ending so hard for op ? best of luck
bestplayer Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 BB07 , ofcourse u r not asking her to fake it , but fortunately what u call natural does not happen 100% times . OP had been unhappy in her marriage & would have stayed like this her whole life if she did not have this affair . So what is there for her to mourn ? what is she losing ? It makes sense if her husband is devastated because she's gently dumping him for another man . but what makes this ending so hard for op ? best of luck i mean it is not fair to hold everyone involved to be equally responsible for an outcome , if each has played their own different role .
fooled once Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 What a disaster. Divorce is going to take awhile - why in the world would you even think it is "okay" to start this "new life" before the old one is even put to rest? I don't know a single divorced person who didn't have SOME sort of sad/negative/whatever reaction after a divorce - myself included who wanted the divorce as much as I wanted air to breathe. The ending of a marriage isn't normally time for celebration. So 4321, where are you going to live between NOW and your divorce? Where are your children going to live? Why can't you get your OWN place prior to moving in this with guy? You have known him 7 months - 7 months of sneaking around and not really dating. I am sure his kids are going to have issues -- I say this because they are teens and while there are instances where teens are thrilled, in most cases, they only care about how their lives are going to be affected. You are claiming the kids shouldn't live in an unhappy household, but you don't know what his kids are feeling/thinking - you are making assumptions as to how they feel. So this guy is going to gaslight his wife? Meaning, he is going to tell her they go to counseling to fix the marriage, when all along, he has no intention of doing that? nice guy
fooled once Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Originally Posted by bestplayer BB07 , ofcourse u r not asking her to fake it , but fortunately what u call natural does not happen 100% times . OP had been unhappy in her marriage & would have stayed like this her whole life if she did not have this affair . So what is there for her to mourn ? what is she losing ? It makes sense if her husband is devastated because she's gently dumping him for another man . but what makes this ending so hard for op ? Gently dumping him for another man? How do you do that? And like I said above, even though I wanted my divorce badly, I still had to mourn the ending of it; I still mourned the fact that marriage I thought would last my lifetime ended. I still felt like somehow, I didn't do all I could (and I didn't have a new man to run to). There is still a mourning process, at least in my belief there is.
Author 4321sn Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 BB07 you have been extremely helpful. I spend most of the day yesterday rethinking our "plans". My my husband is going to move out while the children and I remain in the house until it is sold. I will be putting it on the market in April. Real estate is sluggish here so it may remain on the market for several months. In the meantime om will rent a small 1 bedroom apartment for himself. He spoke with his W and she still refuses therapy, insisting that the problems in the marriage are his fault. He told her that the marriage needs to be disolved if she does not care enough to work on it. She called him a jackass...He is going to speak with a lawyer this week. So we agreed to live separate and date for the time being. Maybe introduce kids at the end of the summer... We will play that by ear... As far as mourning goes... I mourned the death of my marriage for years. All the years I was alone after begging my H to sit and talk with me... All of the years when he was drinking on the sofa ignoring the kids and me...I mourned when he said that the kids and I were annoying...now he says he is sorry but it's too little too late...the feelings I had for him are dead and gone. I didn't do this to hurt him... I didn't look for this... Neither did OM... We just both wanted to be valued, needed and loved.
pureinheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 No woman will EVEN MEET my children until a CALENDAR year of us seriously dating and its an establish R. End of discussion for me. Luckily, my current GF understands. No...my children do NOT know she exists. Nor will they until I am reasonably certain that there is a future here...ie more than just GF. I am of the opinion that after the upheaval of divorce the kids need CERTAINITY (mine are 6 and 4). Older children may be able to understand. One drawback of having children IS the loss of ABSOLUTE freedom when it comes to some personal issues....like marriage and moving in with another. Move carefully and consider ALL children (even the teens) involved... Hey JW....not to mess with you in any way ....k...it just sounds to me like you go by a "rule" book, why not just see what happens....trust me, if you have a GF the kids know it. If you want to go by the rules, then why not consider until they're grown, that is actually the best thing to do and do not "shack up" per sey or it will confuse them.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 If the kids know it, that's one thing..It's a completely different story to introduce them and involve the GF right now. Kids need alot of time to adjust to changes and get used to life again. No kid of any age wants to be around a new possible step parent within a year of their parents divorcing. It's just unfair and cruel to do..
pureinheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 If the kids know it, that's one thing..It's a completely different story to introduce them and involve the GF right now. Kids need alot of time to adjust to changes and get used to life again. No kid of any age wants to be around a new possible step parent within a year of their parents divorcing. It's just unfair and cruel to do.. Trust me, the kids do know it and if you keep something like that a "secret", which really isn't then that can be more damaging. If you ever want to know what is going on....ask a kid!
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Hey JW....not to mess with you in any way ....k...it just sounds to me like you go by a "rule" book, I have an absolute set of rules concerning my children. One of them is they do NOT meet the new GF until a year...otherwise I worry the R is not "real"...any R needs TIME to grow...to test its foundations. I will NOT be testing those foundations in the presence of my children. If this GF meets the kids, its because I am more than reasonably sure this has some "realness" to it. We will ALL set different time lines, for me its a calendar year. trust me, if you have a GF the kids know it. Well, I don't know. But I understand what you are implying...kids often "know stuff"...perceptive little devils. I have done nothing to give them that impression. Nor have they mentioned her name...or even if I am dating. I am of the belief they do NOT know. See...I retreated a bit... But must concede they could (for instance my xWW may have told them). If you want to go by the rules, then why not consider until they're grown, that is actually the best thing to do and do not "shack up" per sey or it will confuse them. NO, I deserve a life too. When I feel my GF and I are "solid", I will gradually introduce them to her and vice versa.
crystal_lostheart Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 OP - maybe slow down with everything. Emotions are high and moving into together is not the answer at all. Could you possibly deal with your splits from your SO apart if this is the road you are wanting to take?
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Trust me, the kids do know it and if you keep something like that a "secret", which really isn't then that can be more damaging. If you ever want to know what is going on....ask a kid! But it isn't their business to know what their parents are up to, who they are with, after the marriage busts up. He doesn't have to lie and hide it, but he also doesn't have to bring the new girlfriend home and make his kids accept it. This guy has the right to decide if/when the gf meets his kids and becomes a part of their life.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 If you ever want to know what is going on....ask a kid! Honestly it also depends on the kid, the age, boy or girl. He knows his own kids, so he knows what's best for them.
AmIParanoid Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 I can understand your wanting to get out of what you perceive to be a loveless marriage but I don't understand why you would pick a cheater as your replacement partner. Your H is a drinker. The MM is a cheater. Look back in your romantic history, have you always had a problem with picking "losers" to be with? Why don't you just get divorced (if that's what you want to do) split from your current H, and then wait a year or so and see if you really even want to get together with this MM anymore? Once you are divorced there will be a much bigger pool of men that will be available to you, many of whom won't be drinkers and many whom won't be cheaters. There are lots of perfectly good men who might like you but won't date you right now because you are married.
Author 4321sn Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Um... I am a "cheater" too... And I'd hardly consider myself a loser
Author 4321sn Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Spending time apart is not an option that either of us will consider... So we will end our current relationships and slowly build on ours... I really do appreciate all of the opinions and advice
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