alav0814 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 some background...my bf believes (and i tend to agree) that 'i love you' is often overused by folks in relationships. he has only said it to his ex-wife. all his exes have said it and hes never said it back, which made them all very angry. we have been together over a year now and neither of us have said it. i feel strongly for him but knowing how he views those words i wouldnt use it first because i dont know he would reciporcate (which, of course, just sucks). however he had a dream i said 'i love you' and he didnt say it back, which made me mad in the dream my problem is more the dream in itself. i wouldnt expect he would say it back if i said it to him at this point. but i honestly wouldnt get mad if that happened. i just dont see the point. though it would undoubtedly hurt. it just bothers me he dreamt that scenario he has had with all his exes, which he doesnt think too highly of. i feel like if he knew me better hed know i wouldnt get mad (i know its just a dream but oftentimes it reveals deeper insight into our feelings toward others). so i feel like his dream portrayed me as his past girlfriends, that he views me in some ways like his exes. that is what really bothers me. anyone see where im coming from or have similar experience? i plan to talk to him tonight about it but i just wanted some outside perspective. helpful answers appreciated!!
Malenfant Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 if he was happy in his dream that you said it, i think it may indicate his strong feelings for you, and possibly a need for you to say it, or that he wants to say it to you. if he reacted negatively in his dream that could indicate his reluctance to hear those words and that he doesnt feel like he loves you. I dont think you should feel that he's putting you in the place of his exes necessarily, dreams are weird and sometimes they dont really mean anything, just a random collection of words and places, actions and people. At the end of the day, a dream is just a dream. dont sweat it. I've always felt that if you do truely feel love for someone you should tell them, actually i've felt unable not to. OK so it might be received badly, but hey, love makes you feel like shouting it out! so just go with the flow as far as those words are concerned, but dont be afraid of them if or when they are said by either of you.
sunshinegirl Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I call BS on your boyfriend. People "overusing" ILY is saying it multiple times a day, signing off every phone call or interaction with ILY, one or both people going out of their way to say ILY in front of other people, etc. It sounds more like an excuse he's hiding behind (really? you've been together more than a year and he's never said it?), either because he doesn't love you (sorry!) or because he is terrified of the intimacy the words might create. If it's just the words themselves he doesn't like, I suppose you could ask him to respond with a simple nod or shake of his head to this question: "hon, do you love me?" Believe it or not, I tried that with a boyfriend *I* had been dating for almost a year with no ILY's exchanged. He squirmed. I had my answer. And he dumped me a few months later by cheating on me with a woman from work.
threebyfate Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 because he is terrified of the intimacy the words might create Agreed. I also call b/s on your b/f but my perspective is that he didn't have this dream. His ego is bothering him since you haven't said ILY. But if you do say it, he'll bolt. So don't. And yet, I'm not certain why you remain with someone who has intimacy issues.
sunshinegirl Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Agreed. I also call b/s on your b/f but my perspective is that he didn't have this dream. His ego is bothering him since you haven't said ILY. But if you do say it, he'll bolt. So don't. And yet, I'm not certain why you remain with someone who has intimacy issues. Yeah, whether or not he had the dream, him telling you about it seems like he was issuing you a warning: say it, and you'd better believe I'm not going to say it back. I know you'll be upset, but that won't change anything. Unless there's more that you haven't said, like he got really upset at the idea that he couldn't say it back to you, or he was distressed at your being upset, etc... something indicating empathy/concern for YOU.
lordWilhelm Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I wonder how it came about that he told you about his dream, because I'm not sure what was his point. If he just told you out of the blue, then it's equivalent to telling you in a coded way that he cares less about you than he thinks you do about him. It's just silly.
PinkToes Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 If he really did have that dream, I think all it says is that he's terrified of the whole thing. It's not about his exes, it's about his fear. I can't imagine not saying I love you to someone I was in love with though. Or being in a relationship for a year with someone I didn't love. But if you're happy with the way things are, absolutely don't sweat this one. BTW, I had a dream last night that my best friend, who's a hairdresser, got sent to prison for life. I blame the burritos.
threebyfate Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 BTW, I had a dream last night that my best friend, who's a hairdresser, got sent to prison for life. I blame the burritos.Did she recently do a bad job on your hair?
Recommended Posts