WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Hi, so during my EA I feel this intense connection with my AP. Much more than I've ever had with my W. Thoughts go through my head of my AP being the "love of my life" and of course "soul mates" and all of these things and the only woman that I can ever be truly happy with. But in so many posts, everyone else says the same thing. Most of us all have feelings like this. It really sounds like we're all back in high school in many ways. I've done reading that talks about the "in love euphoria" vs "real love". It says being in love requires no effort but only lasts for a little while and real love takes over after that and does require conscious effort to keep it going. I married young. One of my IC's told me that I was in a M before I even knew myself and what I wanted out of life. I made it work to this point, but with my EA I've learned that it could be so much more. Am I crazy??
jennie-jennie Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I married young. One of my IC's told me that I was in a M before I even knew myself and what I wanted out of life. I made it work to this point, but with my EA I've learned that it could be so much more. Am I crazy?? No, you are not crazy. Your IC has given you the answer. My daughter asked if her dad (my ex) was the love of my life. I told her that at that time of my life he was, but now my MM is. As we change throughout life, so does the perfect soul mate.
quankanne Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 no such thing as the "perfect soul-mate," just someone whose quirks and foibles we're more likely to forgive. Be it friend OR lover. as for "being in love" and "true love," I'd liken it to this: "being in love" is pure chemistry, and you're after that high, not the reality of the relationship. "True love" is seeing all those things that drive you nuts – and dealing with the mundane nature of a relationship – and deciding that you still want to give it your best shot because it's something you believe in. frankly, I'll take the dreary day-in, day-out routine because it's based in reality. Being "in love" is more fairy tale IMO, and not worth pursing in and of itself!
Angel1111 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I think the litmus test for true love is that you have a strong foundation of friendship with one another. You really like that person, you can talk to them, you get along on most things, remain respectful when you disagree, give each other space and closeness, and all that is surrounded by a great passion for one another. That's true love, in my opinion. That's the stuff that lasts. And it's rare.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Hi, so during my EA I feel this intense connection with my AP. Much more than I've ever had with my W. Thoughts go through my head of my AP being the "love of my life" and of course "soul mates" and all of these things and the only woman that I can ever be truly happy with. But in so many posts, everyone else says the same thing. Most of us all have feelings like this. It really sounds like we're all back in high school in many ways. I've done reading that talks about the "in love euphoria" vs "real love". It says being in love requires no effort but only lasts for a little while and real love takes over after that and does require conscious effort to keep it going. I married young. One of my IC's told me that I was in a M before I even knew myself and what I wanted out of life. I made it work to this point, but with my EA I've learned that it could be so much more. Am I crazy?? The emotional high of an EA is not love. That would be like saying real happiness is shooting heroine. Why? Because its fake. There is true love, but like anything in life worth doing it requires effort. If your not willing to put in the work you will always fail. Life is not for the lazy.
Angel1111 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 The emotional high of an EA is not love. That would be like saying real happiness is shooting heroine. Why? Because its fake. This is a very broad statement. Of course an EA can be real love.
Author WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 No, you are not crazy. Your IC has given you the answer. My daughter asked if her dad (my ex) was the love of my life. I told her that at that time of my life he was, but now my MM is. As we change throughout life, so does the perfect soul mate. I've read that too. no such thing as the "perfect soul-mate," just someone whose quirks and foibles we're more likely to forgive. Be it friend OR lover. I agree with this. Everyone has these quirks. I think the litmus test for true love is that you have a strong foundation of friendship with one another. You really like that person, you can talk to them, you get along on most things, remain respectful when you disagree, give each other space and closeness, and all that is surrounded by a great passion for one another. That's true love, in my opinion. That's the stuff that lasts. And it's rare. This is what I'm looking for. The emotional high of an EA is not love. That would be like saying real happiness is shooting heroine. Why? Because its fake. There is true love, but like anything in life worth doing it requires effort. If your not willing to put in the work you will always fail. Life is not for the lazy. I've read this too. It's very confusing when you're caught in the fog. I wonder all the time if my AP would be the best thing to ever happen to me, or the biggest mistake of my life. I think heroine would be easier to get over right now.
ladydesigner Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I've read this too. It's very confusing when you're caught in the fog. I wonder all the time if my AP would be the best thing to ever happen to me, or the biggest mistake of my life. I think heroine would be easier to get over right now. I often wonder this myself. I think if my xAP would have been a bit older and had been single, financially stable, we would be a match made in heaven. Well minus the sex part but I could have taught him a few tricks;)We had a really strong emotional and chemistry connection that I NEVER had with my H even when me and my H first met. My H was very nice to me and I had just come out of an abusive relationship and figured I should try the nice guy. I was never extremely attracted to my H. We connected as great friends, still are, and the sex with him is amazing. I don't think I even know what true love is. I think that "in love" feeling fades with time for everyone. True love... god I would have to think true love is to be able to have that friendship, chemistry, emotional connection, and have it last a lifetime... that would be true love for me.
NowhereToHide Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You sure are asking the $1,000,000 question aren't you? There certainly is something that is called "the affair fog"... it's that time when you and your AP have this intense chemistry and you couldn't care less if he told you that he did stint in San Quentin (in fact you would think it's charming). You are so blinded due to the chemical changes in your brain. That, in my opinion, is not love. Now as to the question of "soulmates" and the "one love of your life".... that is something that I never believed in. I always thought there were a number of different people in the world that would be a good match, but not ONE man that was my ideal match -- one who was made for me. But now, I actually do believe in it. Was my xAP that person for me? No. Is my H? Unfortunately not. I do love my H a lot.... we are good friends, we have similar values, we have awesome children, we get along well. But there is no passion, no intimacy (and there never really was). I need to decide if I can settle for that if I believe I can have the passion and intimacy that is missing with someone else. I had a ton of passion with my xAP, but it wasn't until AFTER my A ended that I realized that the passion was based on negative things.... He and I would have never worked in the real world. So I would say that what I had with him WAS that "love euphoria" you speak of... not based in reality and even based on an unhealthy addiction coming out of childhood crap. At the end of the day, you will never completely know how truly compatible you are with someone until you are with them free and clear. But chances are, if you have an unmistakeable chemistry and connection with them now, you will then, too.
herenow Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 You sure are asking the $1,000,000 question aren't you? There certainly is something that is called "the affair fog"... it's that time when you and your AP have this intense chemistry and you couldn't care less if he told you that he did stint in San Quentin (in fact you would think it's charming). You are so blinded due to the chemical changes in your brain. That, in my opinion, is not love. It's possible that the "fog" is really withdrawals from an addition. In some cases the affair is about an addict getting a fix. No different than an alcoholic or drug addict looking for their next drink or drug. When the fix is no longer there, the feelings of withdrawals start. The problem is, if the addict doesn't get help, they will indeed continue to look for their next fix. This also may explain why some people who have affairs and decide to stay married, contact the OW/OM after things settle down at home. They need the fix and they know an easy place to get it. Just things to ponder.
Moanin Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 As we change throughout life, so does the perfect soul mate. This so true........ especially when people choose to marry so young.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Another reason it is like that, is (from the MM/MW POV) because people tend to map onto others what they wish they could be for them and the more intensely and unable they are to be with that person, the deeper the feelings of 'love'. Note that for a MM/MW, the intensity of that feeling is directly proportionate to how much (and what types of things) they feel they are missing in their marriage. That is why you see some genuinely unhappy MM/MW who are in 'soulmate land' and happily (or at least contentedly) married cakemen/women who aren't and can usually 'take it or leave it'. Now for OW/OM, it gets intense because a married person has to work twice as hard to get them to agree to 'dating' a firmly married person. They present themselves using their A game to get you, and continuing it as long as they want to keep you. You are getting an idealized version of that person, in other words. In both cases, the less you can be together - the most you make of the moments you have, and you are right: it is like high school. Back then you could only be with someone to a certain extent, and it largely was supervised so those 'alone' moments were damned near magical and the other person was incredibly idealized. So it is with extramarital relationships as well. A good deal of them, anyway.
fooled once Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Hi, so during my EA I feel this intense connection with my AP. Much more than I've ever had with my W. Thoughts go through my head of my AP being the "love of my life" and of course "soul mates" and all of these things and the only woman that I can ever be truly happy with. But in so many posts, everyone else says the same thing. Most of us all have feelings like this. It really sounds like we're all back in high school in many ways. I've done reading that talks about the "in love euphoria" vs "real love". It says being in love requires no effort but only lasts for a little while and real love takes over after that and does require conscious effort to keep it going. I married young. One of my IC's told me that I was in a M before I even knew myself and what I wanted out of life. I made it work to this point, but with my EA I've learned that it could be so much more. Am I crazy?? I can attest to true love existing I think as we grow, the love we feel for someone changes too. Sometimes, marrying too young doesn't give you (general you) the fulfillment that love at an older age can give you. It does work for many - my parents started dating at 16 and are now in their mid-60's and are still very much in love. They are also of the generation that they WORK on issues and don't just give up and get a divorce. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I can't say it is unconditional love because there are things he could do that would make me not love him. The only 'unconditional' love I believe in is the love a parent has for a child (at least that is how I feel about my child). I don't believe in the whole "soul mates" stuff. Doesn't mean I don't believe in a deep, passionate, consuming love - because I do. I have it. We work very hard to keep our marriage strong and fulfilling for BOTH of us. We have been married almost 12 years and I am glad I met my H when I did and not sooner. I am glad we both had been married before, I am glad we both had children prior to us getting together (we do not have children together) and I am glad we didn't date when we were younger because I am not sure we would be together today. I love the man he is from the life experience he has had. I love who he is because he did love someone before (we met 3 years after his divorce) and I love him for the man he is and the man he was when I met him when he was 41 and I was 33. I am also glad I don't have to share him with anyone else; because that is not what I want in life. Each relationship should teach you about you, about love and about life. Even the ones that hurt. The Affair I was in taught me to love myself more, to treat myself better and that I wasn't cut out to share I am not 'glad' I was in an affair, but had I not done that, I wouldn't have been in the right place, at the right time, to meet my H.
joyz Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 so far, i've truly only loved one man in my life. in the 5 years we were together, i can say, i was truly happy. i remember driving back from somewhere and the sky was beautiful. i thought to my self, i'm driving home (to him) and felt so much warmth in my heart, i wished time and life would never end. when you are with your soulmate this world feels like heaven. But he ended up cheating on me. i was so devasted. for a while, i felt like my body was floating around without a soul, without purpose, without direction, aimlessly. luckily, time does heal, and i'm at much better place. we are no longer together, but in spite of it all, it comforts me to know that he is alive, that we are alive in this world together, in this imperfect world, walking our own paths. but i can say i did truly loved once...
Lovelybird Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 (edited) Usually when people say they found their soul mate in the first year or first several days or months they know each other, I would think they are on heroin effect, what they say they are in love are not convincing. But if an old couple say that I would totally buy it, because their love is real love through trial and time. Everybody can get high in the beginning when they know someone new, but not everybody can keep their love when the other one sometimes appear less ideal. Being said that, real love may be not about what person you meet (to a certain degree it is), real love is if you and your partner have the ability to really love someone who isn't that perfect. After you married someone for many years, of course, you would see faults in that person. If you compare new person to your mate, then you really miss the point of what real love is. You simply don't know what the new person will become after 10 years. Didn't you marry your wife out of love and rosy feelings for her at that time? What changed? It is only her fault? because she became less ideal? An affair may be a deperate attempt to cover own deficit of love ability. People try to escape their own responsibility of working on self I believe real love isn't chemical, but an ability. Edited January 9, 2010 by Lovelybird
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Hi, so during my EA I feel this intense connection with my AP. Much more than I've ever had with my W. Thoughts go through my head of my AP being the "love of my life" and of course "soul mates" and all of these things and the only woman that I can ever be truly happy with. But in so many posts, everyone else says the same thing. Most of us all have feelings like this. It really sounds like we're all back in high school in many ways. I've done reading that talks about the "in love euphoria" vs "real love". It says being in love requires no effort but only lasts for a little while and real love takes over after that and does require conscious effort to keep it going. I married young. One of my IC's told me that I was in a M before I even knew myself and what I wanted out of life. I made it work to this point, but with my EA I've learned that it could be so much more. Am I crazy?? Wow...my heart goes out to you. Yes I believe there is, I am not sure what all of the "rules" are, although.... A small bit of background....I met MM in 1999, he was crazy about me, I blew him off. Years went by and we ended up in the same shop working together, we got close, fell in love and had an EA for a couple of years. I broke it off. He got D. What he has told me all along is that he cannot get me out of his mind. We have been through the good, bad and a great deal of the ugly. I was angry for several years concerning MM in general because of what I went through with him. My anger tainted my ability to reason where he was concerned and recently was able to see this and was freed from it. I am re-thinking the entire relationship with him now that it is not tainted with such bitterness and anger. He calls me relentlessly and will not let go....he says he loves me so much that he cannot. I need to think about everything....he has set up councelling for us at the church, the way I feel is that any councelling is good so what the heck. I believe him when he tells me he cannot stop thinking about me and cannot live without me. Dr. James Dobson stated in one of his many books.....you do not marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can't live without. That has stuck in my mind and for me I agree. I will get on the God thing here and I do not wish to offend anyone who doesnot want to hear about God or whatever....please stop reading this reply at this point if this is the case....please understand I respect any and all opinions, facts whatevcer concerning God...k.... with that said. In "my" belief system many say "God hates D" and yes He does....although what is always left out is, "What God joins together, let no man put assunder". I believe that if God did not put it together in the first place then it is not of God, He did not do it....man did and therefore is not in God's perfect will for their life. Please, this is MY opinion, this is what I pick up... So based on what I believe to be true, there is true love and only time will tell if in fact your EA is an infatuation.... I hope the best for you and you are in my thoughts....
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 so far, i've truly only loved one man in my life. in the 5 years we were together, i can say, i was truly happy. i remember driving back from somewhere and the sky was beautiful. i thought to my self, i'm driving home (to him) and felt so much warmth in my heart, i wished time and life would never end. when you are with your soulmate this world feels like heaven. But he ended up cheating on me. i was so devasted. for a while, i felt like my body was floating around without a soul, without purpose, without direction, aimlessly. luckily, time does heal, and i'm at much better place. we are no longer together, but in spite of it all, it comforts me to know that he is alive, that we are alive in this world together, in this imperfect world, walking our own paths. but i can say i did truly loved once... I am so sorry:lmao::lmao: your story is heartbreaking...you have a lot of class my dear....
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Usually when people say they found their soul mate in the first year or first several days or months they know each other, I would think they are on heroin effect, what they say they are in love are not convincing. But if an old couple say that I would totally buy it, because their love is real love through trial and time. Everybody can get high in the beginning when they know someone new, but not everybody can keep their love when the other one sometimes appear less ideal. Being said that, real love may be not about what person you meet (to a certain degree it is), real love is if you and your partner have the ability to really love someone who isn't that perfect. After you married someone for many years, of course, you would see faults in that person. If you compare new person to your mate, then you really miss the point of what real love is. You simply don't know what the new person will become after 10 years. Didn't you marry your wife out of love and rosy feelings for her at that time? What changed? It is only her fault? because she became less ideal? An affair may be a deperate attempt to cover own deficit of love ability. People try to escape their own responsibility of working on self I believe real love isn't chemical, but an ability. LB...you sound like you are doing very well....(((((((((((hugggs))))))))
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I remember his daughter writing me asking me what I had done to her dad....meaning that he had completely changed....asking what type of a hold I had on him....OMG, I tripped....I had no hold, I was always running from the R.....maybe it's time to stop running
Lovelybird Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I remember his daughter writing me asking me what I had done to her dad....meaning that he had completely changed....asking what type of a hold I had on him....OMG, I tripped....I had no hold, I was always running from the R.....maybe it's time to stop running Thanks, pureinheart, hugs to you too So if the man is divorced, why do you run from him?
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Great Question...perhaps THE question of life (assuming that the reason for life is to love). Does "true love" exist? IF so, where? How do I distinguish "true love" from the "fake love"? The answer is deceptively simple and so damn unfair: Its true love when you she is by your side when you die after a life of ups and downs, good times and bad, failures and successes TOGETHER. That's true love. You only know you have it when its too late to appreciate it.
Austen Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I'm not sure how I feel about the whole soulmate thing. But part of love is taking that risk--that leap of faith with someone. Love isn't just emotion, it's also a choice. What will you regret more? Staying in your current situation and never knowing what could have been? Or taking that leap with your AP? From the tone of your original post, I think you're leaning toward the latter. If you choose your AP, it won't be a fairy tale everyday, but can you live happily without this person?
Devil Inside Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I hear you my brother. I too married before I truly knew myself, what I wanted, and what kind of person I could have a passionate marriage and partnership with. It makes me sad. I am married to a person that is a friend and great coparent, but not the person that makes me feel like I am in love. Yes, I know, that does not last forever, but I have had relationships where I do have that feeling, and it is much stronger and lasts longer then anything I ever experienced with my W. So does it exist? Heck yeah it does...but I do not think many people are lucky or patient enough to find it.
wheelwright Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I'm not sure how I feel about the whole soulmate thing. But part of love is taking that risk--that leap of faith with someone. Love isn't just emotion, it's also a choice. What will you regret more? Staying in your current situation and never knowing what could have been? Or taking that leap with your AP? From the tone of your original post, I think you're leaning toward the latter. If you choose your AP, it won't be a fairy tale everyday, but can you live happily without this person? Have to say I agree with this, on a topic I have given some consideration over the last year. I did a brief survey among friends and acquaintances last year, and here are some of the answers they gave; Love is a ridiculous construct Love is a feeling in your stomach you get that means you miss them when they are not there and are at peace when they are Love is unconditional Love is a feeling of comfort with another person, accepting and being accepted Love is fleeting and doesn't last Love changes according to the age (culture - so again some kind of construct) Most people gave answers according to their life situation - very much a perspective rather than a definition There is a triangular theory of love (you can Google it). It says: There is passion, intimacy and commitment. True love would have all three. Romantic love (often A love) just passion and intimacy. Married love often loses one or more of the elements besides commitment because it was weak in the first place. I believe that a love that is strong in all three will survive.
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