After the lies and infidelity????

[Justtoodangtired]

Two questions.

 

1) how do you deal with infidelity and lying AFTERWARDS? I don't know how to get past this and trust again. Also, he acts as though nothing has happened and just goes on as normal, while I am crushed. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't eat, sleep or think of ANYTHING else.

 

2) How do you get the kids to feel better once they know how deeply he has hurt their mother. I made the worst mistake ever in allowing my kids to know what he had done. It's a long story but it makes no difference. I made this mistake and now I don't think they will ever be able to accept him again. I know I'm not even sure I can. Just getting through one day at a time.

[TerryW]

One day at a time. Know that there are alot of us out there feeling the exact way you do. I'm glad my oldest boy knows so that his dad can't hide what he has done. The youngest girl doesn't know. Don't beat yourself up about mistakes you MAY have made. You are in uncharted territory and your thinking is ninety to nothing. If this was a recent discovery give yourself time. Not much advice but packed full of support.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I don't know if this will make you feel any better but my dad had an affair with a lady he worked with, got her pregnant and my mom kicked him to the curb after 16yrs of marriage. My mom moved on pretty soon..and in our minds, since she didn't want to let us know what he did, she was the bad guy. I spent years hating my mom for "what she did to our family" and really she was just moving on from a pain she couldn't shake, even if it kept her family together. so pretty much I don't think it was a horrible move on your part for letting your kids know. I think I've handled it much worse being older and EVERYONE knowing about it but us kids...and my dad all those years acting like the saint. I know what this pain feels like, no my H hasn't had an affair..but he did everything but and all I can tell you is TIME. Its the only thing that will heal you. Good friends, family, and shopping help too..heh I'm sorry your feeling this pain and all I can say is give it time and stay strong. ((HUGS))

[Spark1111]

I am friendly with a young woman who's mother stepped out on her father and he discovered it. Rather than go to counseling and MC, he has decided to stay married and just punish this woman for the rest of her life.

 

My friend knew stumbled upon her mom's infidelity when 15, and wishes wishes wishes her parents would talk to her about it! She says she does not know what is worse; her parents continuing to keep this secret or the toxicity of the relationship between the two of them.

 

When she goes home she feels the tension, is anxious, and uncomfortable, so she trys never to go home!

 

Look, it all starts with YOU. Do you want to remain married? Then get to counseling the both of you.

 

The more important lesson NOW to your children is how you take concrete steps to overcome the infidelity, restore trust, respect and consideration, and communicate calmly about it.

 

Whether you decide in time to divorce or reconcile.

[seibert253]

There's a couple of things that will help you, and your marriage, recover and heal. IMO without these, then you and your marriage will never fully recover.

1. Total and complete honesty

2. True remorse and sorrow from the WS

3. Total transparency, not just from the WS but also the BS. (Lead by example)

4. Professional counseling

 

just "forgetting it never happened" and "acting as if everything is normal" is not going to cut it. Neither you, nor your marriage will ever recover.

 

If your WH is doing the above, then you are just spinning your wheels. Your marriage will stay stuck exactly where it is. It will never move forward.

[Justtoodangtired]

Thank you all for your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this because no one thinks I should have stayed this long. But I don't want to give up. I have been divorced once already and don't want to start all over again. Yet, I know also that there is only so much I can do. And I want and deserve to be happy.

I have to say the biggest hurt comes from not only the things he has done, but from his lack of action to do anything about it. He seems to have NO remorse whatsoever. He doesn't understand the devastation he has caused. The choices he made hurt all of us. Our entire family. My 15 year old son can't be in the same room with him. He just says he's annoying and I know he means he thinks he stupid and just wants him to stop hurting me. The kids just want stability, calm and peace. That's all I want. He just goes about his business as if nothing happened. Then when I want to talk about it, he says what did I do? Like he thinks I'm accusing him of doing something in the last 15 minutes. No, I'm talking about all you already have done that have stuck in my gut like a rock every minute of every day. I don't know how to make him understand what this pain feels like. When you love someone and give them everything and they betray you and you find out their intentions were to hurt you and screw you over, how do you get over that?

I want to more than anything. I would give ANYTHING to NOT feel this pain anymore. It's a pain I sincerely wouldn't wish on anyone. I haven't felt anything like it before.

Why do people even get in relationships if they don't want to be faithful and honest? Just stay single. There's nothing wrong with that lifestyle. But why string along those who do want to be in a family? This sucks!

[Spark1111]

Were there any consequences to his actions?

 

Did he immediately go no contact with his affair partner?

 

Did you demand counseling, both IC and MC?

 

Is he still in contact with his Affair Partner still? Are you sure?

 

Was she married? Does her husband know?

 

Did he confess? Or did you discover it?

 

If he has no remorse, not to you and the kids, then no.....your marriage will not recover.

 

You sound like you are still in shock. Make an appointed with a doctor. Get tested for STDs. He HAS to also.

 

Make an appointment, at least for you, with a counselor.

 

Make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Not that you want to divorce right now, but get the facts anyhow. You may need them in the future.

 

Tell friends and family you trust. You need a support group RIGHT NOW! And so do your children.

[Justtoodangtired]

I know I am still in shock. I wake up everyday and it's the first thing I think about and it's the last thing I think about when I shut my eyes. I feel so much pain and anger! It hasn't lessened and I keep hoping today is the day it gets a little less. However, I only found out December 20ish. When I confronted him about it, he claimed to tell me everything. He said, the OW never repsonded again to his email he wrote. I said, well, then that's the only reason it didn't go even further.Because SHE wasn't interested in taking it further. He said nothing. At that time, I said, let's put EVERYTHING out on the table. I can deal with things if it's finally ALL out there. It's the only way I can go forward. I can't keep getting more every few days from me "finding" things. He said, that's all. Well, about a week later, we talked again. He then tells me, (by accident, thinking he'd already said this) yea, she responded and said, she felt so good too being with me. I said, you lied and told me she never responded to your message. He said, no, I didn't say that. you kept talking and made the conclusion that the only reason it didn't go further was because she didn't want me. So, I just figured whatever and let it go.

So, I guess my point is that every time we talk or I "snoop", I find more. More that he hasn't told me. So, how is it ever possible to go forward when there is always more? It's been years of his online obsessions with adult sex sites, porn, singles websites, Myspace, craigslist and now facebook. His facebook obsession is really bad. And this is how he met this woman from his past and "hooked up". And even now he spends hours on facebook, she is still on his friends list. He still looks at her page. He has a registry cleaner on the computer and is constantly erasing things. Yet, he says he's not doing anything. I say those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I mean, he could look at everything I do on the computer, phone,everything I do and would find nothing I wouldn't do with him sitting right next to me. I am a mother of two and just raise my kids and want a family lifestyle. It is obvious to me, he wants to be single and do whatever he wants to do. the problem with that is we have kids. He has two from an ex and I have two. We made a family here and we have both been divorced before. Our kids deserve better than this.

As for your questions. there have been no real consequences for his actions. I don't even know what I could do at this point. I mean, I can't kick him out. He won't leave. He just goes about his day as if nothing happened and talks to me like everything is peachy. And I just want to punch him. I stew in this every minute. I can't watch television or read because I can't concentrate on anything else. I don't sleep, eat or function very well right now at all. I am going to make a counseling appt. He starts on Monday. I told him he needs to figure out if he wants to be single or a family and then do it. But get me the hell out of this limbo or I will. The sad thing is, I struggle because I don't want to start all over again. I love him and wish I didn't. I'm only hoping there is a man of integrity underneath the man I have been dealing with. I know he is in there. The question is, will he ever return??? looking very doubtful.

You all are my only lifeline right now and I appreciate your advice more than I could ever say! HUGS TO ALL!

[2sunny]

you are not being proactive enough in this situation, that is why it is so painful for you.

 

decide on a tight, solid, boundary... one that keeps you happy, healthy and safe - whether that's with or without him.

 

your happiness should not be determined by what he does or doesn't do about this. your son looks like he wants you to grow some balls and make a decision... one that shows self respect!

[2sunny]

it looks painful for you because he created this and isn't willing to do anything to make things different for you and your family. if he's not willing to own up, be completely honest, make amends, and move forward - it will never get better. is that enough for you? he seems to think it should be enough.

 

if it's not enough - what are you planning to do about it?

 

 

 

does he have a personality that shows entitlement? kind of like - hey, you should be grateful to be in my presence? just wondering... those are the tough ones to evoke change...

 

best just to walk away from that attitude - they seem to always repeat the bad behavior and expect that you will still put up with it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey, you are still in shock. Its very hard to deal with the emotional fallout when you are barely able to function. Give yourself some time, and make a conscious effort not to overthink eve;rything at the moment. There will be plenty of time for that when you are in a little better frame of mind.

 

What your H is doing is called gaslighting. You know right from wrong and so does he. He's demanding that you play dumb and get over it so that he can continue his bad behavior toward you. DO NOT attempt marriage counseling and this point. It will be wasted time and money. If you are able, your first priority should be to get individual counseling. You shouldn't underestimate the importance of this.

 

There is a site called MarriageBuilders that you should check out. Check out their Plan A and Plan B. Mostly right now take care of yourself, and put LIFE in perspective. You can handle anything you have to but you'll need a plan and a better frame of mind. An IC can help you with that. There will be no change or recovery with the frame of mind that your H is in right now. Let go of what you can't change for the moment and focus on what you DO have some control over.

 

I'm truly sorry for what you are having to go through right now. Make lists, have the kids wear name tags, set your gps to get to the grocery store so you can remember where you were heading, ect... (I actually forgot to pick a kid up from school, seventeen years of carpoll and that had NEVER happened). What you are experiencing is normal when you are in shock, be easy on yourself, it will get better with time. Help yourself right now, because your H can't help you.