sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 hi everyone. i'm going through a situation and i don't know if anyone can help me here but i've been talking/flirting with an old friend of mine for a month now. he and i would chat quite a bit on the phone or text or email or chat....basically there would be contact on some level every day. every time we spoke, it would be for hrs and hrs despite not liking to talk on the phone. he lives in iowa where as i live in nebraska so i try to see him when i can. this guy was always very thoughtful, asked me tons of questions, very sweet, would send me presents, would plan our trips and time together. then lately he mentions that he's going through some financial situations right as i'm to visit him in iowa. the closer it gets to my visit, the more financial situations he reveals to me. he has mentioned before that he needed to get things back in order but it seems like he has a lot more to do than i thought...even though he planned my visit trip already..my trip is in two weeks and he has altogether stopped talking to me. it's been 3 days. i'm not the clingy needy type, so i texted him maybe once. then about two days later i called and got voicemail, and left a casual message asking him to call back. a day later and still nothing. i'm trying not to contact him anymore and give him space. could he possibly be embarrassed/stressed about his financial situation that he cannot show me a good time and avoid me? or has he just lost interest? i have no idea what to think but i'm starting to lose hope and think it's the cliche "he's just not that into you." [i hate that phrase so much.] please help..
Flavour Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I would go and see by myself what is REALLY going on. Many regrets avoided, IMHO, in this way.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 but i can't leave for another two weeks! the wait is driving me insane.
Bearandsue Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 There have been a few cases where a guy disappears on this forum. They eventually return with some half baked story. I say wait till he contacts you. Don't go hysterical with worry over him. Don't call or text or worst go visit! I am sure he is fine. He prob got cold feet.
Rollercoasterr Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Something similar happened to a friend of mine when we were younger. She met this guy on the internet through a band forum and they started talking. Well, pretty soon they were talking for hours and hours on end and they decided they wanted to see each other. He wanted her to come see him and planned the visit and everything. Well, the closer it got the weirder things became. Suddenly, 2 days before the visit he falls off the face of the earth. Blocked her from all IM lists, changed his name on the forum(that one took some figuring out), and blocked her phone numbers. Basically, the guy was just playing with my friend. He never had any intentions on her coming to see him. He just enjoyed the fantasy for a little while, and then when it actually got close to it and things became more real, he decided instead of being a man and telling her, he disappears. My spidey-sense makes me think this is what happened to you as well. I could give you a list of excuses for why he's gone, that he'll be back, he's just scared, something happened, etc. But honestly, he's probably not coming back. I'm sorry to say it, but it's more than likely true.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) wow really? god. yeah this guy planned the visit but he also went out and bought things for me. he would call me every night. i don't get it. he was the one initiating and doing a lot of these things. why would he then just disappear? he invested so much of his time and energy and told me so much about himself. why would you waste all that time and wish the person was there and then when the person actually is going to be there, you run away? i'm not banking on him coming back anymore. he hasn't removed me from everything but yeah, he isn't returning calls or texts. it makes me very upset and hurt and feel like a fool for even bothering with some guy like that..i feel tricked. Edited January 8, 2010 by sureandhurry
Rollercoasterr Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 The guy my friend talked to bought her ticket for her. I mean, really, hows that for a trickster??? Some people. Women can be that way too, and it sucks. No one should go through that. Ever.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 that's awful. i don't know what to do. cancel my plans? i have friends in nebraska as well. it's not like i haven't met and spent time with this guy. why would he freak out now? because his life is a mess? he's really in debt and i know he's not lying about that. i want to tell him it's fine if he didn't want to talk to me anymore but he should have at least given me a heads up.
Rollercoasterr Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Honey, how do you know for sure? Did you look at his accounts? Have you seen his bills? If you haven't, you don't really know. You're going off the words of a man who disappeared. Unless you've seen hardcore, concrete evidence of anything, as of right now you should take it that it's been a lie. Otherwise, if he comes back and gives you some half-assed story for why he's been gone, you're going to believe it. I've seen it happen multiple times to girls and guys on this forum. My friends guy never came back. She never tried to contact him again. She never wondered. Any man that could act like he cares and then suddenly disappears has lied. Regardless of if he comes back, what his story is, etc. He has still lied and betrayed your trust. If he honestly cared about you the way you thought he would have given you a heads up. Apart from a serious accident, or death, there is never ANY excuse for falling off the face of the earth. I don't care what any one tells you. As for your visit, that's something for you to decide. Me, personally, I wouldn't go. During that visit you were supposed to take I would do everything I could to make ME feel good. Do anything that I want to do. But I wouldn't go. If you go the only thing that you are doing is letting him know that you were hopeful that you would see him, and that is playing right into his hands. If he wanted to see, talk, or date you, he would. But he obviously doesn't. I would suggest that you either read the book He's Just Not That Into You, or rent the movie. Books are always better than movies, but in this case, either will speak volumes.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 actually yes i've seen a bit of his financial status when i did see him last. he is also in between jobs as well. i have seen this before we even started anything. i don't know what his point would have been to lie then. i have seen and read that book as well. i understand that if he was really into me yeah he would be chasing me, but i dunno. maybe he's embarrassed to? haha
Bearandsue Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 So if he has shown you his financial records, what is there to be embarassed about? If you already know all about his debts then why is he hiding. Dont make excuses for him. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who checks out whenever there is a problem? Instead of talking to you openly about it he disappears. Well assuming that is the reason he disappeared in the first place. You deserve better.
Flavour Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I would go only for myself. In my life, understanding has always been a condition for healing. For me, without understanding there is no healing. If the doubts are aeating you, go just for yourself. I would go for myself, for spitting in his face. Then I would have fun in Nebraska. A lot of fun.
Lucky_One Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You have been talking for a month. You say you have seen him "as much as you can" - how many times in the past month? Do you go there? Stay at his place? He has bought you presents - do you have them? Or was he going to give them to you when you go in 2 weeks?
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 I noticed him bringing up his debts or worrying about it more when I said I would see him. His need to find a job to get rid of his financial debt. He promised he would take me to these places but he's constantly negative in his bank account and might not even have a car. But you're right, even if that were the case, why would I want to be in anything with anyone who can't tell me what's going on. It's still no excuse for him to leave me in the dark.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 You have been talking for a month. You say you have seen him "as much as you can" - how many times in the past month? Do you go there? Stay at his place? He has bought you presents - do you have them? Or was he going to give them to you when you go in 2 weeks? About twice at his place. I don't have them yet but he has described vaguely what he bought. He wanted them to be a surprise.
Rollercoasterr Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 If you chalk this up to being about his finances, then you're lying to yourself. I'm sorry, but you are. You're making excuses for him, and lying to yourself. If you've ALREADY seen his finances, what else is there left to be embarrassed about? There isn't anything. This isn't because he's embarrassed or got cold feet. He just doesn't want to see you. Sure, maybe he'll come back and tell you some crazy story, but if he comes back it's only because the visit has already passed and there's no fear for him about seeing you. You'll still be at a distance, and that's where he wants you to stay.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 well when i was there i saw a bit of it. from what he's telling me, it seems like a lot more. but you're right. no excuse for his behavior. he's just being a coward and can't tell me the truth. thanks everyone.
bittersweet memories Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 that's awful. i don't know what to do. cancel my plans? i have friends in nebraska as well. it's not like i haven't met and spent time with this guy. why would he freak out now? because his life is a mess? he's really in debt and i know he's not lying about that. i want to tell him it's fine if he didn't want to talk to me anymore but he should have at least given me a heads up. Obviously there is alot going on with this guy that you don't know about. I say just wait and see if you hear from him in the next few days. Hopefully there is a good explanation why you haven't heard from him.
bittersweet memories Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Honey, how do you know for sure? Did you look at his accounts? Have you seen his bills? If you haven't, you don't really know. You're going off the words of a man who disappeared. Unless you've seen hardcore, concrete evidence of anything, as of right now you should take it that it's been a lie. Otherwise, if he comes back and gives you some half-assed story for why he's been gone, you're going to believe it. I've seen it happen multiple times to girls and guys on this forum. My friends guy never came back. She never tried to contact him again. She never wondered. Any man that could act like he cares and then suddenly disappears has lied. Regardless of if he comes back, what his story is, etc. He has still lied and betrayed your trust. If he honestly cared about you the way you thought he would have given you a heads up. Apart from a serious accident, or death, there is never ANY excuse for falling off the face of the earth. I don't care what any one tells you. As for your visit, that's something for you to decide. Me, personally, I wouldn't go. During that visit you were supposed to take I would do everything I could to make ME feel good. Do anything that I want to do. But I wouldn't go. If you go the only thing that you are doing is letting him know that you were hopeful that you would see him, and that is playing right into his hands. If he wanted to see, talk, or date you, he would. But he obviously doesn't. I would suggest that you either read the book He's Just Not That Into You, or rent the movie. Books are always better than movies, but in this case, either will speak volumes. Oh Please! Its only been a day or so that she called him and he hasn't returned her call. Its ridiculous to compare this story with your friends its totally different. Your friend Never met the guy, this poster has. He's an old friend. The guy is probably ashamed of his finances..probably hurts his ego. That is common. Just wait but don't call him anymore.If you don't hear from him by the time of your visit...that will say it all. Keep us posted.
Author sureandhurry Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 thank you, i will do other things until i hear from him, if i ever do sigh.
Rollercoasterr Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Oh Please! Its only been a day or so that she called him and he hasn't returned her call. Its ridiculous to compare this story with your friends its totally different. Your friend Never met the guy, this poster has. He's an old friend. The guy is probably ashamed of his finances..probably hurts his ego. That is common. Just wait but don't call him anymore.If you don't hear from him by the time of your visit...that will say it all. Keep us posted. As if that's an excuse for anything!!! If anything, that's enough to prove that he's EVEN MORE of a scum bag than the guy my friend met. This one has met her, TWICE. By this time he should know and trust her and respect her enough to not act like a silly child. But yet he still is. Condone and make excuses for him all you want, but don't expect others to. The timing of this is just "too perfect" for it to be let go. There is none, save for one or two things that could excuse this behavior. Injury and death. If my fiance were to ever go missing like this it better be because of one of those two things.
bittersweet memories Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 As if that's an excuse for anything!!! If anything, that's enough to prove that he's EVEN MORE of a scum bag than the guy my friend met. This one has met her, TWICE. By this time he should know and trust her and respect her enough to not act like a silly child. But yet he still is. Condone and make excuses for him all you want, but don't expect others to. The timing of this is just "too perfect" for it to be let go. There is none, save for one or two things that could excuse this behavior. Injury and death. If my fiance were to ever go missing like this it better be because of one of those two things. This guy is not her fiance or boyfriend he's just an old friend.. Its only been a day or two since she called him. Who knows maybe you're right...or maybe not.
Meaplus3 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Well I can tell you I have walked in your shoes when it comes to a net guy simply vanishing. My situation left me hurt and worried beyond belief.. as I had deepley fallen for the very wonderful exchange I had with this person. But, one thing I did not relaize at the time was the fact that since the R was based soley on messages exchanged and phones chat's, it never was in anyway a REAL relationship.. although at the time it felt that way. So, I'd use some caution here. Protect your emotions and go with your gut feelings. If you think this guy is misleading you and has something to hide, forget about him and stop ALL contac. The sooner you do, the less your hurt you will suffer. Take it from someone who knows.. that would be me. Good luck. Mea:)
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