Fiaman Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Long story short, last January I started NC because she got a new boyfriend (after we been broken up for a couple months). 6 months later we slowly started talking (she initiated it) and she had broken up with her boyfriend. We slowly became really good friends again, our friendship was stronger than our relationship ever was. From May 2009 until present day, we are awesome friends and there still is a lot of attraction between us. I was fine with not being with her you know, her and I became super close but even though I told myself that, I knew in the back of my mind I still had feelings for her. She has admitted that to me too, and we had talked about dating once she got over her new bf. Well, as the days went by, her and I got closer and closer. Now, a couple weeks ago she had found a new boyfriend but was hesitant to admit it to me, naturally I'm hurt, but I made sure this time not to go down the path I did when she first broke up with me (begging, pleading, arguing with her). I mean I showed a little bit of hurt, but I kept my head held high and told her "I'm happy for you and I hope you're happy even though Im surprised you and I haven't became nothing more but just friends" She responded that she was surprised too that we didnt become more than just friends again. For the rest of the night we talked about it but nothing became of it. In the end, she told me, because I have a million girls hittin up my Facebook wall that she didn't think I wanted to pursue anything else with her and now she gave someone else a chance. I then told her that she knew how I felt the whole time and I was giving her time to get over her recent bf before we could get back together. She admitted I was right all-in-all she's still with this guy. Im still taking the high road and being a friend and mature about the situation but now IDK what to do. I have contemplated NC once again but that only got me so far. Do I act like it doesn't affect me or do I do NC. I mean I've realized I want this girl back but now I know how NOT to act this time around. They only been going out for like a month or so but man thinking about it hurts even though there's a little feeling inside me that is genuinely happy for her. What I've learned in the past is the only way to get something back is to let go, but what do I do? Go NC? I cant fully let go if she's still in my life or I get a new girlfriend. We are awesome friends but it just sucks that her and I had a past together and there are naturally still feelings there. I was fine at first but after she told me that she was surprised we didnt get back together too set me back and now is making me think what if.
FromTheHeart Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It's best to guard your heart here. You've admitted you still have feelings for her, but she still moved onto another guy. There's always the possibility that she is hesitant about giving a relationship with you another try (you two broke up for a reason, right?), but the fact is she's still just a friend. If it hurts too much to still be around her but not be with her, then it's best for you to move on completely. Don't stay friends with her because you're hoping for it to turn into more, that will only cause you more pain and longing. You've put yourself out there, so if she is interested and wants to be with you, she'll let you know.
Author Fiaman Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 . Don't stay friends with her because you're hoping for it to turn into more, that will only cause you more pain and longing. You've put yourself out there, so if she is interested and wants to be with you, she'll let you know. That's so true about staying friends. I've realized what I want, and she knows how close we have become and how naturally everything is awesome when her and I are around each other. I mean I've done NC before and even tho the first couple weeks sucked, it felt so great to be getting my life back in order after those first weeks and I was a worse stage then, than I am right now. Im sure if I stick to it, Ill be good in a month from now. Its just those first few days of NC are hard. It just sucks knowing that she still cares about me a lot. Man, this would be so much easier if she DIDNT want to be friends and if I knew she didnt give two ****s because who wants to be around some one that doesnt care for you? It would almost be easier if she stopped talking to ME. Just that fact that I know she cares and we had that stupid talk sucks. Decisions, decisions.
0hpenelope Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 That's so true about staying friends. I've realized what I want, and she knows how close we have become and how naturally everything is awesome when her and I are around each other. I mean I've done NC before and even tho the first couple weeks sucked, it felt so great to be getting my life back in order after those first weeks and I was a worse stage then, than I am right now. Im sure if I stick to it, Ill be good in a month from now. Its just those first few days of NC are hard. It just sucks knowing that she still cares about me a lot. Man, this would be so much easier if she DIDNT want to be friends and if I knew she didnt give two ****s because who wants to be around some one that doesnt care for you? It would almost be easier if she stopped talking to ME. Just that fact that I know she cares and we had that stupid talk sucks. Decisions, decisions. I'd go my own way. Between the difficulty of the early days of NC and the hardships of knowing that the person still cares a lot, I'd choose NC. She made her decision, went with the guy, and you're still alone - thinking of her. Maybe one of those one million girls on your Facebook could end up being good for you. She made her assumptions instead of talking to you (I'm deliberately not addressing the "But she was probably scared." It's a given possibility). On the flip side, why think of getting in a new relationship? Being single doesn't automatically mean lonely. All your time is yours: there's so much you can do. You'll be better for yourself and for your new partner.
DenverBachelor Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Long story short, last January I started NC because she got a new boyfriend (after we been broken up for a couple months). 6 months later we slowly started talking (she initiated it) and she had broken up with her boyfriend. We slowly became really good friends again, our friendship was stronger than our relationship ever was. From May 2009 until present day, we are awesome friends and there still is a lot of attraction between us. I was fine with not being with her you know, her and I became super close but even though I told myself that, I knew in the back of my mind I still had feelings for her. She has admitted that to me too, and we had talked about dating once she got over her new bf. Well, as the days went by, her and I got closer and closer. Now, a couple weeks ago she had found a new boyfriend but was hesitant to admit it to me, naturally I'm hurt, but I made sure this time not to go down the path I did when she first broke up with me (begging, pleading, arguing with her). I mean I showed a little bit of hurt, but I kept my head held high and told her "I'm happy for you and I hope you're happy even though Im surprised you and I haven't became nothing more but just friends" She responded that she was surprised too that we didnt become more than just friends again. For the rest of the night we talked about it but nothing became of it. In the end, she told me, because I have a million girls hittin up my Facebook wall that she didn't think I wanted to pursue anything else with her and now she gave someone else a chance. I then told her that she knew how I felt the whole time and I was giving her time to get over her recent bf before we could get back together. She admitted I was right all-in-all she's still with this guy. Im still taking the high road and being a friend and mature about the situation but now IDK what to do. I have contemplated NC once again but that only got me so far. Do I act like it doesn't affect me or do I do NC. I mean I've realized I want this girl back but now I know how NOT to act this time around. They only been going out for like a month or so but man thinking about it hurts even though there's a little feeling inside me that is genuinely happy for her. What I've learned in the past is the only way to get something back is to let go, but what do I do? Go NC? I cant fully let go if she's still in my life or I get a new girlfriend. We are awesome friends but it just sucks that her and I had a past together and there are naturally still feelings there. I was fine at first but after she told me that she was surprised we didnt get back together too set me back and now is making me think what if. So what I am gathering from all of this is that she's using you as her emotional tampon for when she suffers dry spells or has fights with her current boyfriend while you get the benefit of holding on to some chance that she'll eventually "see the light" and want you more than any other guy. Get her out of your life. Guys and girls can't be friends like this -- especially with a prior history of sex / relationship / etc.
Author Fiaman Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 So what I am gathering from all of this is that she's using you as her emotional tampon for when she suffers dry spells or has fights with her current boyfriend while you get the benefit of holding on to some chance that she'll eventually "see the light" and want you more than any other guy. Get her out of your life. Guys and girls can't be friends like this -- especially with a prior history of sex / relationship / etc. Well it's not like that, she still hangs out with me over he current boyfriend, in fact she wanted to be out with me on New Years and I found it odd that she didnt wanna be with her boyfriend that night. But like i said, we still hang out on the regular, going to concerts and such which is gonna make NC so much harder.
HLP234 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Don't hold any hope for anything else. The feelings do come back and you won't like when they do. You don't have to tell her you can't be friends, just do NC and move on with yourself. I couldn't be friends with my ex, it just wouldn't work and we would be weird around each other, besides she hurt me so I won't ever be able to get over what she did about it and how. But if you can handle knowing about her new bf and problems they are having, or other guys she talks to you about, then I dunno what to say really. I would say just cut back a little on hanging out and talking to her..clear your head and look for someone else, see if you still feel the same. Then if you find someone else I suppose it would be a different "friend" situation.
Author Fiaman Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 I have made the decision to distance myself from her. Do I just straight up ignore her now or do I gradually distance myself? I mean I don't want to look bitter or anything as we talk almost everyday. So do I just straight up go NC or gradually distance myself?
HLP234 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I would gradually distance yourself. Start by looking busy, not talking to her right away if she contacts you. Heck, go out and do some stuff, or a hobby or something just so you don't have to think about her. If she bring up why you are acting different, you don't have to say anything and just go NC, otherwise if you feel you have to I suppose you could tell her how you feel and that you don't think you two should talk anymore.
Author Fiaman Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 I think that's what I'm gonna do. Just distance myself. I know after a while while "I'll be acting differently" she'll probably start an argument about it. When I first found out I distanced myself and she started argueing and said... "I don't want a half-way friend, it's either we're good friends or we aren't"- What does this even mean anyway? If she has a boyfriend then she shouldnt really be worrying about me like that. I'm fine doing my own thing because I know it bothers her when I don't give her as much attention.
HLP234 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 "I don't want a half-way friend, it's either we're good friends or we aren't"- What does this even mean anyway? If she has a boyfriend then she shouldnt really be worrying about me like that. I'm fine doing my own thing because I know it bothers her when I don't give her as much attention. Of course she will argue. Look at what she said, if she didn't want your attention as well, she wouldn't care if you were a full friend or half friend. At this point it doesn't matter what she argues. And if she does say anything tell her exactly that, she has a boyfriend, she shouldn't worry about you..she decided to do what she wanted, without considering your feelings, when you guys broke up. Distance yourself and that should help you get over any feelings for her, you don't want any hope for anything since it didn't work out, what makes you think another try will..unless both of you take time to be single and really think and talk it out. But in most cases, girls once they break up, don't really take that time to themselves, at least from the ones I know, and are with someone else not much after they leave you.
Author Fiaman Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 And if she does say anything tell her exactly that, she has a boyfriend, she shouldn't worry about you..she decided to do what she wanted, without considering your feelings, when you guys broke up. QUOTE] We haven't been together in over a year (she broke up with me in May 2008), I definately took my time but unfortunately she jumped in with someone else, broke up with him, and was single for a few months...She could have taken her time thinkin about stuff but I doubt it. We became good friends in that time which is what sucks about the whole situation. SO here's the plan... I'm going into distance mode AKA "she's just another random trick that I talk to and don't care about" AKA "*** it mode", if she argues, thats her problem, Im not gonna give into the argument. Act as if I don't care, I mean after all, that's what hurts the most right? Not that I wanna intentionally hurt her but if guarding my own heart ends in hurt for her, then so-be-it. I eventually let down my guard around her and she goes out and gets a new boyfriend. My walls are all the way back up. DONE DEAL. Man after with dealing with so much from one person, you can only take so much of it and eventually you just gotta say ""*** it" and get your life together (theres some advice for you NC'ers out there) Thanks HLP234 and Loveshack
HLP234 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 No problem, anytime. I'm glad I found this place too. I wish I knew this stuff earlier. Sometimes if they keep going from one person to the next, they won't realize what they did wrong with you until their next break up happens. I doubt my ex will even say anything to me when that happens, seeing as she has never said anything to me, even to say it was over between us. But I know for a fact once that happens she may regret it..and that's really all you want sometimes..just for the other person to realize they had something good and threw it away.
Author Fiaman Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 that's really all you want sometimes..just for the other person to realize they had something good and threw it away. so true. Soooooo true
Author Fiaman Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Just an update, after not talkin to her for 4 days, I decided I am going straight up no contact.
HLP234 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Thats a good choice. Don't worry if you feel like you miss her so much and get really down about it. That is part of the healing process..I feel like that everyday. But you have to keep away from them and just move on. By the time they ever say anything, if anything at all, you will be moved on and hopefully not fall into any trap with her again. As much as I would love for her to come back to me, I doubt it will happen and even if that does happen, I would not be able to be the same person with her because I was hurt. Even parents are saying to not even show any compassion if she wants to talk or come back to me, since it is most likely to occur again in the future another way.
Author Fiaman Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Don't show any compassion. You can't, you just gotta do you ya know? Well I spoke too soon and we met face to face. I told her how I felt and we talked about everything. Basically, it's going to be a no go with us and I told her I need time to think about life and what not. The funny thing is, after being dragged in the mud by her through all this, it actually feels right for once to let go. It's a hard way to explain it, but I'm not down or anything like I was when we first went through all this BS last year. It's hard to explain, but I just feel like moving is my best option and it finally feels right to do so. Probably because this time around, I did show her my best and if she doesn't want to get back with me, then it is truly not in my control anymore, there is nothing else I can do and that's what makes it feel right. Her and our time has passed and it's time for me to move on fully.
HLP234 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Well that is good. The reason you feel good about it is because I suppose when you talked and finally accepted it wasn't gonna work, you realized you did nothing wrong. No point in trying if the other person is not trying either. It may seem rude to ignore or not show compassion if she tries to talk to me but she will never realize how much she hurt me..so I haven't changed just because I will ignore her forever now. Sometimes when things go bad and others become selfish, you can't hang on to anything and you must be just as selfish for your own good. If they don't understand, then that is too bad, most likely they will later.
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