mimidarlin Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It's hard to know where to start my story. The crisis situation was ignited right before Thanksgiving when I caught my husband making out with another woman in his office. She doesn't work for him but had come by just to "talk". Well, after many discussions it turns out that their relationship had progressed from talking and sharing, to lunches out, exchanging gifts and eventually to the kissing. I'm certain that it was arrested here because I physically caught them in the act. For some reason she is scared of me. I have not threatened her physically but threatened to tell her husband because I have the suspicion that she had a relationship with another family member. Now...he has gotten an apartment but stayed half time with me through the holidays. He stayed in the same bed and kissed me good night. Since New Years he has moved more of his stuff out but we talk everyday. There are a lot of details to work out because we are refinancing the house. I was aware that we were having issues but I didn't know how to confront them or fix them. I spent the last year trying to save my father from dying a long tortuous death from cancer. We didn't win this battle. As my father was going into surgery another man who was like a 2nd father to me passed away from brain cancer. Then this man's oldest son passes away from a freak accident. Now my marriage is dying. I am so close to a nervous breakdown. The pain of everything is ripping me apart. I can't breath, I cry until I throw up, can't sleep. Trying so hard to be professional and perform well as a teacher. We had difficulty in our marriage a few years ago and begged him to stay. Begged and begged...desperate. I didn't know how I would live, support myself and I had just had major surjury. He did stay but counseling didn't bring us any closer. I think my breakdown may have scared him and shut him down. I have depressive disorder in my family. I am being treated and fortunately was in treatment when all this crap went down. I don't think I would have made it out alive. This time...he did the bad thing...can I forgive him? Probably but he has to want back in and I don't think he does. This time...I can financially support myself very comfortably. No stress from that arena...thank my father. I want him and I love him but he doesn't think he loves me. We haven't had sex in seven months and he won't do it now. I have made it clear that I would like sex but I am not going to pressure that point. He has to be comfortable. He is comfortable kissing me. He doesn't initiate it but he is receptive and kisses back. I know he cares but I don't know if there is enough there for us to find what we have lost or better yet build a new relationship that is stronger. My gut tells me we can be stronger. He has to want it though. My meds have been readjusted....anxiety along with the depression...yuck. I'm have separation anxienty...I guess all of us are on some level. I just never thought about it...the little kid that doesn't want someone to leave them. I'm trying hard to not act like the little kid. I cry a lot but I'm not begging him to come back. My tears are for more than just losing him in my life and he knows that. He cares a lot and comforts me when I call him. I'm working on the NC rule but the reality of my situation is that I was scared of becoming suicidal and having a breakdown. I need someone to check on me. He is the only person that I can disturb at any hour and not feel guilty. I have been proactive and returned to my psychiatrist for a medication adjustment and to schedule more sessions. We have marriage counseling next week. We are drafting a separation agreement to protect our financial interests. This may ramble but it is so difficult to distill fourteen years of a relationship into so little space. Advice comments are appreciated. Give me a virtual slap if you think I need it. I have to approach this situation in a way that is difficult for me. I want him...I love him but I have to give him space and hope that he can find his way back to me.
JaneDoe35 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Hey there, so sorry you are feeling so awful. I think you are doing all you can do at this point. You are organising and protecting your finances. You are seeking help for your anxiety/depression. Considering how much you have been/are going through you are still working on surviving. I would suggest a complete 180 but I don't know of you can do that. I have problems with doing it and I was under no stress before my separation. If you want to save your marriage I think it might be better if you can find someone else to help you with your mental state. I know you rely on him but you need to be able to survive without him. Marriage counselling should bring a lot out into the open. As it sounds like you don't know exactly what he thinks about the future of your marriage. Is he still having a relationship with the OW? Do you have any children together? What are your ages? This is hell for you, I know. But for me Loveshack has been incredible. I have wonderful family, friends etc but nothing has helped more than this site. So keep posting here. Take care... Jane
Author mimidarlin Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 I am 37 and he is 38. We don't have any children. When we had marriage issue three years ago I was having surgery. I lost one of my ovaries and have endometriosis. The doctor told me to try and get pregnant then. I was an absolute mess and wouldn't bring a child into our relationship to force him to stay. Right now I regret that decision. I would consider adoption even as a single woman but it would be so difficult at my age and expensive. He doesn't have a relationship with the "OW". He said that he didn't have feelings for her it was just impulsive. I had a moment three years ago where I could see how someone could find themselves in a position to be vulnerable to cheating. I was sad and lonely and tempted. Nothing happened but I suddenly had insight into how it can happen when you aren't a serial cheater but basically good person. This I can understand...I don't know if I can forgive though. Putting me through this after this year of just hell on Earth. How could anyone put someone you care about through this? I was down in the mud and just kicked me and body slammed my face deeper. I don't think I can do the complete 180 but I'm trying to get as close as possible. I hope going to a counselor will help me. I talk to my friends at work who have gone through or are going through similar things. We're trying to plan girl time but we are all busy. I read in one post that a counselor said that a nervous breakdown is a choice. I'm not sure I agree with that philosophy. I'm scared that I will walk to close to the edge without someone to pull me back. I don't have anyone around here except him and his family apart from my work friends. They are great and I have been very blunt with two of them about my fear. I want people to be able to keep an eye on me. I may have to be committed eventually. Hopefully all of this fear and planning will mean that I will avoid the breakdown because I'm being proactive. LS has been a savior. I read the posts for a few weeks before submitting. It's like group therapy.
JaneDoe35 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It was my therapist who told me that a nervous breakdown is a choice. I know for me it is. Because I can feel 'it' coming and then I say 'NO!!!!!!!!!!'. The difference is that I have my daughter who relies on me to be strong. I guess my only choice is not to completely lose it. To be honest I have come close a couple of times. You will need to draw whatever strength you can from wherever you can - except from your husband. Really push your girlfriends to have a get together. Even if you are not up to going out, just have them over to your place - have a lovely meal. You could each do a course and just chat/listen to music (buy new CD's with music that has no memories). I know this is easier said than done but just force yourself. Working is hard. I deal with people & their problems all day and I used to be so good at it. Now I suck at it!!! Being a teacher would be extremely hard too. What years do you teach? Because you are being proactive I believe you will prevent a breakdown. Take care JD
Author mimidarlin Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 No I can't "make" him love me. I'm grateful that he is willing to give MC a try. I hope that having a male counselor will be good for him. Maybe he'll come out of himself more. I think that I need to listen to him but getting him to open up and talk is sooooo difficult. Maybe I'll realize that our relationship isn't enough for me either. I need affection and to be told that I am loved. My friends are rallying around me and I'm trying focus on myself. Went for a massage today and that helped. Thinking of going for a facial the works. Not for him...for me to feel pampered and feel pretty. I've been losing weight. I've put some actual effort with exercise but my appetite is so low. Nothing seems good. I feel nauseated. Going to the movies and out for a drink with a friend on Sunday. I'm blessed that she moved to my school last year. We both teach science in high school and cosponsor a science club.Those kids are my saviors. They love me and cheer me up. It helps to have a focus outside of my feelings and personal drama. I'm working on it. Really I am but I have moments of complete and utter despair.
JaneDoe35 Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 mimidarlin - you are doing really well, honestly!!! Because you can afford it - go a little crazy on the pampering. You will feel good and he will notice too. I am thinking complete makeover....I am sure you are already beautiful but it is great to make changes to your physical self to try and encourage your mental self to follow. I hope I don't sound too superficial here!!!! I will be really interested to see how the MC goes. I hope you will let us all know. JD
imagine Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I'm working on it. Really I am but I have moments of complete and utter despair. Never, never beg. Vent here. Always look like a goddess. And the infidelity diet is working to your advantage.
Author mimidarlin Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 It's not superficial to want to look good. I know I feel horrible inside but I try to put on a brave face...at least during the day. The nights are so hard. Last year at this time I was helping my father. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to spend quality time with him. Watching a strong man waste away from cancer treatments is difficult for his daughter. I am having trouble identifying the source of my pain at times. By the way I am going all out on those treatments. I want to look good for me...and if it helps attract his eye or someone else then that's icing. I love it...I'm crying but the infidelity diet is a hilarious title.
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