Ophelia Rue Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I've been dating Ryan for over a year now. We're both in our mid-20s. I live by myself. I have been living by myself for a long time. Ryan has been living with his roommate, Josh, for the last five or six years. They have moved to THREE different apartments together. I secretly refer to Josh as Ryan's boyfriend. Josh is great. I think he's very nice. He has never bothered me. Ryan and I are discussing moving in together in June to a brand new 3-br apartment, when our leases are both up. Guess who's coming? Yup. You guessed it. His boyfriend. They just can't be apart. I haven't complained yet, I was just hoping he might come to his senses. It would be different if we were, like, 18 or 19 and all going to college together or something. I really want to live with Ryan, because we get along sooo well and I think it would be a better situation for our relationship. But I don't think I want to live with two dudes. Right now, like I said, I live BY MYSELF in an adorable little apartment where I can do what I want, eat what I want, watch what I want on TV, not be bothered by anyone, etc. I know that if I speak negatively about Josh moving in, I will become "the bitch" and his friends will hate me. Even Ryan will hate me and see me as a nag. I don't have any idea what I'm supposed to do. My ideal situation would be for Ryan and I to live together, just us. Don't know what to do. Please please please help. Thanks soooo much.
PinkToes Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Doesn't matter what his friends think. If this situation isn't what you want (and it wouldn't work for me), don't do it. Your place sounds comfy! Long term, what would you like to happen between you and Ryan? Would you like to get married -- to him or to someone else, eventually? Is he on the same page with you on that issue; either planning for a future together, or taking things for what they are now? That would probably be a factor for me also; I wouldn't move in with a guy I wanted to marry, unless we were well on our way to that end.
Author Ophelia Rue Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Doesn't matter what his friends think. If this situation isn't what you want (and it wouldn't work for me), don't do it. Your place sounds comfy! Long term, what would you like to happen between you and Ryan? Would you like to get married -- to him or to someone else, eventually? Is he on the same page with you on that issue; either planning for a future together, or taking things for what they are now? That would probably be a factor for me also; I wouldn't move in with a guy I wanted to marry, unless we were well on our way to that end. Thanks love, it IS comfy. A big PRO on the Live By Myself list. But it is also lonely. Blegh. You would not move in with a guy you wanted to marry? Can you explain? Is it a "why buy the cow" sort of philosophy? Because if it is, I sort of agree with you on that. And yes, I do see myself marrying him one day.
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 If you two don't have pretty set plans for marriage in the near future, why would you want a 3 bedroom apartment when presumably the 2 of you would be sharing a room? My question here is more in regards to, is the friend moving in to help pay the rent on this place? If it weren't him, would it be another roommate? Maybe I didn't read closely enough, but another question I have is, why didn't you and your bf discuss beforehand what you each wanted out of a living arrangement?
boogieboy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) Ifyoure too afraid to say something, then I hope you'll be happy with your new roomie -- Josh! You cant worry about his friends, its up to Ryan to handle his friends. Josh needs to get a job or move back in with his mom. Edited January 8, 2010 by boogieboy
PinkToes Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You would not move in with a guy you wanted to marry? Can you explain? Is it a "why buy the cow" sort of philosophy? Because if it is, I sort of agree with you on that. And yes, I do see myself marrying him one day. Yeah, I've seen too many cases where women moved in with a guy they were hoping to marry, and either they hadn't really discussed it, or she was under the impression that he was on the same page, but once they were living together, it didn't seem to be as much of a priority for him as it was for her. It might be different to live together just because you love each other and want to be together, but for me, I would want to make sure we were committed enough to make actual marriage plans together before taking that step -- if marriage was what I wanted. Plus I do like living alone, so I wouldn't be too quick to give that up unless a serious commitment was the trade off. But, that's just me. I would just want to make sure you're both on the same page in terms of long-term expectations before taking that step. Also I tend to think it's a good idea for everyone to live alone at some point before getting married.
meerkat stew Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Very interesting dilemma. On the one hand, your concerns make perfect sense. On the other, this could end up being a good thing for you and Ryan... and Josh. This situation is likely to put an immense amount of pressure on Josh to go out and get his own GF, or at least to develop a social life of his own independent of you two. He isn't so motivated to do so now, but once you and Ryan are setting up house together, he is definitely going to feel that pressure. Having an extra rent payer you both know and trust is also an advantage. If you end up going forward with this, one understanding you absolutely need with Ryan is that no matter what, Josh is never to become an intermediary in your relationship, and that there will never be any ganging up or side taking whatsoever going in any direction against any of you three. I can see the MTV trailer now. "A HAPPY COUPLE! Ophelia and Ryan... living together for the first time... with Josh... Ryan's BEST FRIEND." {The camera pans from you and Ryan happy and snuggling to romantic music, then to the other side of the house where Josh is downing a Jaeger bomb and jumping off the fireplace with speed metal in the background.} Will leave possible titles for this show up to you. Just wanted to point out another angle.
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