shadowplay Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 In my observation, and please respect my qualifiers, there's a slight tendency for men to fall more deeply in love than women. I think it's sometimes easier for women to recover from heartbreak because even when they're in love they may hold a part of them safe that doesn't get hurt. It also may be that women are better at modulating their emotions because they're more emotionally in touch. Guys often seem to have just on/off switches. On and it's full blast. I think men are more apt to throw themselves in completely, and thus if the relationship fails they're left more vulnerable. Do you find this to be true? And if so, what causes the gender difference? Also, please stay civil and on topic. Let's not turn this into another gender war!
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 This is an interesting question and I tend to agree. I've heard it said that guys tend to fall in SLOWER, but I think they also get in deeper when they DO fall.
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I disagree that one gender falls more deeply than the other. I think several of my past SOs gave that impression that you described during our breakup, but I attribute that simply to them handling themselves and their emotions differently than I do or did. It's not because they loved me more than I loved any of them, or were more deeply in love with me than I was with any of them. It's also been my experience with older men that they are more rational about dating and their emotions, kind of like how you describe women in your OP.
boogieboy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Cant be about gender...its about who needs the relationship more...thats who falls more. Its been pretty even around here with who falls faster, and who is coping .
Author shadowplay Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Cant be about gender...its about who needs the relationship more...thats who falls more. Its been pretty even around here with who falls faster, and who is coping . I've never done a proper count, but I do notice more threads written by men where they're still hung up on an ex that they broke up with ages ago.
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Cant be about gender...its about who needs the relationship more...thats who falls more. Its been pretty even around here with who falls faster, and who is coping . Oh yes, that's a very good point. The person who cares the least has the most power is what everyone says.
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I've never done a proper count, but I do notice more threads written by men where they're still hung up on an ex that they broke up with ages ago. I think men don't have the same coping skills women have, because of how each gender is socialized. Women also tend to disengage emotionally from a relationship before ending it. So when they finally break up, they're pretty much over it and moving on already.
Ophelia Rue Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I wouldn't know. I don't think ANY man has ever been totally "in love" with me. -_-
Author shadowplay Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 I think men don't have the same coping skills women have, because of how each gender is socialized. That may be true, but I would also attribute it to the feelings while together. Men may be more likely to give themselves to an unhealthy degree during the relationship, which leaves them more devastated when it ends.
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 That may be true, but I would also attribute it to the feelings while together. Men may be more likely to give themselves to an unhealthy degree during the relationship, which leaves them more devastated when it ends. Na, I disagree with that. Maybe younger guys do, or guys with low self-esteem or whatever - same as women.
DiscoChick Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I will vote with the masses and say it has nothing to do with gender. Inside, I am a very emotional person. Outside, I am very apathetic (for some unknown reason, my friends call me masculine for this). I don't want to fall in love, but the one time I let it happen, it was amazing. There are feelings embedded in my soul that can never be removed. I never could quite find ways to tell him how I felt. I just assumed... Hmmm. Words seem so trivial at times. Back to the topic, I cannot answer for everyone else, but I do know that I feel deeply. I remember the good with the bad.
Romance Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I feel like my boyfriend and I are both very much in love, I don't know who has fallen deeper. I guess I'd say him..
monkey00 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) I agree, I've noticed the same also. I think some women are easier at compartmentalizing their emotions and keeping it steady -- unlike men. Which someone mentioned just shoots off like a rocket when the switch is on. I have a notion that it's just the difference in the sexes. And that because men are the pursuers and women are passive and let the guy make all the moves, that this happens more often to men. And also the fact that women whom leave their options open as multiple suitors pursue them, they may also be holding out until the one they want to be with comes along. But I think since ancient times it's a security precaution to keep themselves guarded emotionally, because one wrong step would allow themselves to be impregnated by the wrong mate or someone who mistreats them and wouldn't stick around to help raise the child - which can be cited from multiple web sources. Edited January 8, 2010 by monkey00
Vintage79 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I know that all the girls I've dated for any amount of time were absolutely devastated when I broke up with them - I just kind of brushed it off. I actually do pretty well with breaking up in longer term relationships, they may be able to give things up a bit faster if it hovered in the 1-2 month territory - not sure. I guess that would argue for me falling into it faster, but them falling into it deeper. Obviously, that's just one data point, but now you have it. I think the over-arching generalizations based exclusively on genders will be hard, as no one will actually toss out any quantitative data, so it will questionable at best.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 On and it's full blast. You've got a blow torch on your hands. The blowtorcher is a man who suddenly becomes physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly loses interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant....like a light switch. Not all men are like this, just the emotionally unavailable ones (but they trick you into thinking they are EU, by declaring their love for you, quickly and passionately). Without even considering what kind of person a woman is, a man can feel a strong, passionate desire to be with her. Then, once he gets to know her, he may find that he doesn't even like her, nor is he interested in getting to know her better. Yet when he sees her he feels a strong physical chemistry and will do almost anything for the opportunity to be with her, impress her, and make her happy. As he gets to know her, his interest and affection may quickly dissipate. It's like buyer's remorse, or a hangover, or a morning-after syndrome. One day she is beautiful and radiant in every way, the next day, after a closer look, her toes are too big. Once he gets to know her, his passion dissipates, he finds something wrong with her or realizes that she is not the one for him, and he moves on. He has no idea that she thinks that they are ooohhhh so in love and about to live happily ever after, despite the fact he's told her he loves her. Be careful, Shadow.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You've got a blow torch on your hands. The blowtorcher is a man who suddenly becomes physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly loses interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant....like a light switch. Not all men are like this, just the emotionally unavailable ones (but they trick you into thinking they are EU, by declaring their love for you, quickly and passionately). Without even considering what kind of person a woman is, a man can feel a strong, passionate desire to be with her. Then, once he gets to know her, he may find that he doesn't even like her, nor is he interested in getting to know her better. Yet when he sees her he feels a strong physical chemistry and will do almost anything for the opportunity to be with her, impress her, and make her happy. As he gets to know her, his interest and affection may quickly dissipate. It's like buyer's remorse, or a hangover, or a morning-after syndrome. One day she is beautiful and radiant in every way, the next day, after a closer look, her toes are too big. Once he gets to know her, his passion dissipates, he finds something wrong with her or realizes that she is not the one for him, and he moves on. He has no idea that she thinks that they are ooohhhh so in love and about to live happily ever after, despite the fact he's told her he loves her. Be careful, Shadow. Shadow, I agree with this. I didn't want to say anything as I really like you and don't want to be negative. But something seems a bit off in your relationship, it's just all too much, too soon and too fast. Now, occassionally I have seen this type of relationship work out, but it's pretty rare. The most common outcome of your dynamic is the one SG described. I really hope that you are one of the rare cases. I also kind of doubt how much YOU really are in love with this guy.
AD1980 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Women never love someone in a relationship nearly as much as they love being loved..
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Shadow, I agree with this. I didn't want to say anything as I really like you and don't want to be negative. But something seems a bit off in your relationship, it's just all too much, too soon and too fast. Now, occassionally I have seen this type of relationship work out, but it's pretty rare. The most common outcome of your dynamic is the one SG described. I really hope that you are one of the rare cases. I also kind of doubt how much YOU really are in love with this guy. And I respectfully disagree with both of you. But you're both going off-topic, so I won't elaborate.
Simon Attwood Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I don't believe it's gender specific, but rather down to chemical make up; specifically oxytocin levels and receptor activity, and these can be high or low in either sex.
b52s Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 In my observation, and please respect my qualifiers, there's a slight tendency for men to fall more deeply in love than women. I think it's sometimes easier for women to recover from heartbreak because even when they're in love they may hold a part of them safe that doesn't get hurt. It also may be that women are better at modulating their emotions because they're more emotionally in touch. Guys often seem to have just on/off switches. On and it's full blast. I think men are more apt to throw themselves in completely, and thus if the relationship fails they're left more vulnerable. Do you find this to be true? And if so, what causes the gender difference? Also, please stay civil and on topic. Let's not turn this into another gender war! Yeah, I even hear women recover pretty well after they become widows.
paddington bear Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You've got a blow torch on your hands. The blowtorcher is a man who suddenly becomes physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly loses interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant....like a light switch. Not all men are like this, just the emotionally unavailable ones (but they trick you into thinking they are EU, by declaring their love for you, quickly and passionately). Without even considering what kind of person a woman is, a man can feel a strong, passionate desire to be with her. Then, once he gets to know her, he may find that he doesn't even like her, nor is he interested in getting to know her better. Yet when he sees her he feels a strong physical chemistry and will do almost anything for the opportunity to be with her, impress her, and make her happy. As he gets to know her, his interest and affection may quickly dissipate. It's like buyer's remorse, or a hangover, or a morning-after syndrome. One day she is beautiful and radiant in every way, the next day, after a closer look, her toes are too big. Once he gets to know her, his passion dissipates, he finds something wrong with her or realizes that she is not the one for him, and he moves on. He has no idea that she thinks that they are ooohhhh so in love and about to live happily ever after, despite the fact he's told her he loves her. Be careful, Shadow. This sums up the too-soon I love you's from men very succinctly. I don't know about falling in love sooner, statistically men do (but ya know, statistics can be unreliable). I've also noted the vast amount of men who I know, gay and straight who are still hooked on an ex for years later and that emotional bond or not letting go affects all their other potential relationships with women.
carhill Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 IMO, 'deeply' is psyche-specific and gender non-specific. I've experienced it both ways, even a bit here on LS in the past. Further, it can occur differently with different people. With infinite variables of personality and emotional style, each interaction and 'falling in love' is truly different. I also think, generally speaking, if men shared their emotions more consistently and those emotions were validated and accepted, the perception of the 'blow torch' would be less prevalent. That's a social dynamic we'll have to evolve out of. It's up to men to make positive changes for themselves in that regard.
espec10001 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I'll tell you what women like to hear from men: music.
Lizzie60 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I don't see this as gender but more of a personal thing.. Some men and women are stronger can deal more easily with break-ups.. some men and women are more vulnerable to emotional pain...
threebyfate Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 (This was less true in the seventies and eighties, when the women's movement was having a more positive impact on male culture by encouraging families to sensitize and nurture boys.) No offense SS_C but take note of our bitter boys brigade, born in the seventies and eighties. IMO, there's much correlation. We've taught our boys to whine, rather than teaching them to be in touch with their emotions, in a positive way. Rather we've taught them to flail around using empathy not in a constructive way but with deliberate cruelty. Give me a man who's got testicular fortitude, any day. With the above in mind, I don't think either gender falls more deeply in love, than the other. The difference is how they process the break up. Many men see relationships as winning or losing, thus tie it up into their self-esteem so when shyte hits the fan, crash and burn emotionally.
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