dieharder Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 hey thanks for reading i was with this girl for 3 years, fell in love but she cheated on me a few times and got new boyfriends but everytime they broke up with her she would always come back to me. then we were together for 6months but she had to move away to live with her dad and after a month she dumped me and got with someone else.. hes dumped her, and now shes back talking to me AGAIN. i did no contact for months and then i get a phone call the other day and i didnt recognise the number so i answered it and it was her, she was upset and claiming that she needed to talk to me because she was distressed. anyway, weve been talking for a few days now because i felt like i was over her but now im not so sure i was ready. some things dont bother me like i can ask questions and it wont bother me but one thing that did bother me was that she wont add me to facebook... she has her other ex boyfriends on there so why not me? :| .. yeah its facebook and not really a big issue but i think its just weird. im not sure what to do now, do i keep talking to her or should i not? weve discussed meeting up as she misses me and her family up here, shes not sure if she wants to move back and i feel as if shes just using me for a self esteem boost or she actually misses me. tried asking but its usually what i want to hear and not the truth. any thoughts? any at all would be appreaciated thanks
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I have a thought- tell her to take her cheating @ss and jump off a tall building. Given her history, OF COURSE she is trying to mess with your head- but it's up to you 100% to see to it she doesn't.
jules-marie Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 at this stage you are her safety net. you have always taken her back and she has always let you down. you deserve so much better than this. let her know friendship is all you can offer.
Zeegagge Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Yah, forget this girl. I wouldn't even be friends with her if I were you. She's just trouble. Don't let her bring you down. She's definitely using you and for more than a self esteem boost, for all kinds of things that you should provide someone who deserves them.
FindingE Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I agree it sounds like you are her safety net, in essence, she is using you to feel good about herself when someone dumps on her and her esteem takes a nosedive. What do you get out of this when she calls you? Do you just do this to be nice? If so, then make sure she knows it's just friends and she needs to let you in on her FB or really - is that being friends? The big question you should be asking yourself is why are you allowing her to bounce back and forth like this? What are YOU getting out of this; is it a positive or negative in your life? If you enjoy helping and it doesn't hurt you when she backs off again then keep doing it. If not, don't allow her to do this anymore - take D-Lish's advice and tell her where to jump and where to stick it. You deserve people in your life that are there for you as much as you are there for them. Friendship is a two way street and it sounds like she is on the one-way highway of selfish, what's in it for me syndrome. If you are doing it in the hopes that one day she will be back with you and be "yours", I don't think that is in the cards, so don't follow those pipe dreams, they will only lead to disappointment.
jms76 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Dieharder. I only had to read the first sentence of your post that she's cheated on you a couple times during your 3 year relationship. Learn from history or you will be doomed to make the same mistakes. So basically let this one go. She's cheated on you several times and there is a good chance she will do it again. I know it's hard but just because something is difficult should not be ignored if it is for your benefit. If you have anymore contact with her it's to let her know that it's not ok for her to contact you. When she asks why, tell her that her leaving you for others and using you as a doormat was her mistake and you won't let it happen again. The sooner you let go, the sooner you will move on and find a woman who deserves what you have to offer. Good luck and stay strong!
Author dieharder Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 thanks everyone! i can totally see thats shes using me as the safety net, when noone wants her she will come back to me cuz i always take her back. i dont want to be there for her but i kinda like being the one she goes to when she needs help which is really stupid of me! ive changed from being the door matt to where i feel more confident because i know what she is like. ive had time to reflect on all the bad things she has done to me. ive talked to alot of girls who seem nice but because ive been in this situation i can tell the nice girls from the waste of space flirty types so not to repeat the same mistakes with anyone else. she had problems while we were first dating with cutting herself but she got help from doctors and got over it. she told me the other day that the feelings came back and she has an appointment for counceling again, im thinking this was a lie to get at my emotions and to make me feel sorry for her, i could be wrong but i dont really care to ask. ill just have to see how things play out, but she wont be breaking my heart this time! thanks everyone x
Wicker_Parked Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 facebook is an issue brother its a massive red flag, she hiding something or hiding you! dont be her doormat, be that brandnew pair of nike sneakers that wouldnt even step on her as a doormat to clean the grime off your treads
gaudi Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 This is not meant as offensive mate, but this girl sounds messed up, seriously. It's great that you want to be there for her and help her or whatever, but it's not exactly helping you is it. Her issues sound like she may need a more professional help than you may be able to offer. She needs to realise that herself. And the fact that you are always there for her when she's ready to come swanning back may not be helping her either. And are you sure you can be just her friend when you have such a vested emotional interest in her ?? i think you need to let this girl go do her thing and you go do yours.....PERIOD
Author dieharder Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 her reasons for not adding me on facebook she says are because she doesnt want me ruining what friends she has if i see something i dont like and thats its only facebook and not a ruling over friendship. she does have problems that she wont discuss with me as she doesnt trust me enough to tell me. she did tell me what was wrong but ive forgot the name of it =/ when we split up a few months ago after the 3 years relationship i was in pieces, couldnt get happy and i couldnt eat, didnt want to see my friends or to do anything for myself without her. i got into a place where i was praying for her to come back to me. weird i know but im sure we have all been there. then i started going out with my friends, talking to girls, playing computer games and just trying to take my mind off things and it worked and i didnt love her anymore and i was able to be myself again, now were back talking and i realise all the stupid stuff i used to hate about her and it out ways the things i like about her and i can honestly say i dont want her back. so if anyone is in a simliar situation then do the no contact for a few months its so much better than keeping in contact with ur ex!
waterrat Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Yeah, there is something wrong here. Cutting one self is a major characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder. Given the sleeping around, coming and going, push pull....sounds like a classic case. I would run dude! Look up the topic as you know her more that anyone here and decide for yourself. It is also not something that is cured overnight. It could take years of therapy. Why do you think all the other guys are breaking up with her? I was involved with one up until 6 months ago. You cannot win, it is always black or white. I say NC is the only way for you to heal and move on from this, Good Luck, Edited January 11, 2010 by waterrat
Author dieharder Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 thats it! borderline personality disorder thats what she was diagnosed with 3 years ago. iread up up on it its pretty much her life story. thanks mate
waterrat Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 No problem....Like I said I have been there. There is nothing you can do! Your best just to move on. If you continue to take her back, she will slowly chip away at your soul.
Author dieharder Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 yeah i know what your saying, she has the ability to just switch off her emotions, it seems that way anyway. i have a kinda date with a girl on friday who ive only been talking with on msn and facebook. i havent had a gf since my ex, and she was my first gf so if things do work out with this new girl then i think its just what i need!
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