Long time "sufferers"

[EmK]

Need to commiserate (again), with people who have been married or together a LONG time (15+ years, preferably), whose marriage sucks but who, for whatever reason, don't want it to end.

 

I have always believed my husband to be the one person in this world who could most understand me. I have some weird beliefs and attitudes, and we're a lot alike. However, as I age, I'm maturing. He is not. He's 62 going on 13. I'm 48 *finally* starting to go on 49.

 

We have LOTS of problems. I need to get counseling for my part in this, but it's so overwhelming - I'm not sure I'll know where to start.

 

Right now, I'm locked in my bedroom. In a moment of great frustration, I ran in here with a bottle of wine, shut the door and locked it. Just don't want him anywhere near me. However, I also realize that *I* am now acting like a 13 year old. But I don't want him near me!

 

But I don't want to lose him. I want to rescue our marriage. But I think that he thinks our failures are all my doing. Whenever I try to discuss an issue with him, EVEN WHEN I TRY TO STAY CONSCIOUS of my tendency to want to "win," it becomes a battle over who will win. Tonight, I tried to express some frustration and long-standing resentment over the large amount that I contribute to this household vs. the small amount of consideration that is given to my preferences in the household. He has tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I'm tired of giving in, so have begun to have tantrums of my own, as it seems to be the only behavior that he notices (asking goes ignored, begging is too demeaning).

 

I know that I need to take responsibility for my part in this -- but, really, I wasn't like this before him. I often feel that all my current bad behaviors are a direct result of the example that he has shown me, and the direction he has helped to steer this relationship. He has anger issues. Now, so do I. He acts like a baby. Now, so do I. He is selfish. Now, so am I. The difference is -- he can act like he doesn't care. I can't. It hurts me when fight, and I usually make the first move to reconciliation. He rarely does.

 

I'm babbling. I'm sorry. I've posted here for years, and I've made no progress in resolving our issues. I think it's' flaring up again because my beloved dog died a month ago, and I've begun to realize that HE was the only thing I enjoyed, in my life. I now hate where I live, I hate my job, and I frequently HATE coming home. I don't want the marriage to end. I must be crazy to not want the marriage to end.

 

Yup. I need professional help. Just have to vent until I get there.

 

Thanks

[Jeff1962]

There is a huge difference between an argument and a discussion. An argument originates from not having your needs met and you then try to impose your will on another out of selfeshness.

 

Your husband throwing tantrums is his choice, not yours. He is responsible for his actions You can counteract this by not choosing to participate. I would suggest the next time he throws a tantrum or you find yourself losing control and headed for an argument; take a time out. Don't yell, calmley explain what you are doing and why. Go someplace safe and stay completly away from eachother for about an hour. It gives you both time to think and calm down. It may take a while to work and you will meet with some opposition over this at first but it does work.

 

You cannot blame your husband for the woman that you have become. Yes, we all are a product of our surroundings but only to a degree. You alone have chosen to act like him, you have to take personal accountability for your actions. Take control of yourself and gently refuse to participate in negative behavior. Your behavior IS YOUR CHOICE.

 

90% of the women I talk to, say that one of the biggest problems at home is that they feel unappreciated. You are not alone. If you can, you both need to talk about this openly.

 

Remember, that when someone throws a tantrum over a discussion they MIGHT be throwing up barriers because they do not want to admit that they themselves may have a negative hand in the issue.

 

Seek counseling. Good luck.

[EmK]

Thanks. You make a lot of sense.

 

One problem I have, and perhaps folks here can offer up some suggestions as to what I'm doing wrong - is that, after one of these "time outs" (which is, really, what I was attempting to do when I went into the bedroom and locked the door -- I knew I had to get away or I'd start saying really stupid things) -- how do you "un-time-out?" We stay mad. I'm afraid to talk to him for fear of getting the "I was right and you were wrong so now you need to grovel to me sufficiently" attitude that I usually get (even when HE is wrong), and I never know if I should approach him bringing up the topic again (wouldn't work, he'd walk away) or approach him as though nothing happened (often works, but resolves nothing, and feels really emotionally unhealthy), or apologize, even if I did nothing wrong (one of the reasons I have built up so much resentment over the years -- can't tell you how many times I've done this).

 

How do you get back together after an argument or a time out?

[EmK]

Oh, and let me add -- I'm sitting here today, stewing (I have a day off from work) a bit, because he RARELY, in these situations, is the one to approach me for reconciliation. In the 19 years that we've been married, I could probably count on 1.5 hands (ie, more than 5, less than 10) the number of times, after a fight, that he has apologized or said, "Why do we do that?" It's always left up to me, and I almost ALWAYS know that I'll be greeted with arrogance and and air of "Yah, you'd better apologize. And, lately, he's been adding in the attitude of, "I don't know if I accept your apology." As though every time we've had a fight, it's been my fault, and he's getting tired.

 

I often think I'm being gaslighted -- because I often wonder if I am the crazy one -- if I am the one who "causes" all of these fights. But, from my perspective, they are usually the result of my bad reaction to his REALLY bad actions or inactions.

 

Yes, I know - there's the blame, again. I do blame him, but accept that I need to stop what I'm doing in reaction to him, and I accept the blame for that. I just don't have any self-control, it seems, anymore.

 

This would be so easy if there wasn't still lovable-ness about him.

 

Or, maybe, that's my big delusion.

[EmK]

I finally worked up the nerve to go talk to him. I tried to stay calm. I started by trying to ensure that he knew that my locking myself in the bedroom last night was night me trying to "punish" him - it was my way of removing myself from a situation where I'd say something that I regretted. He seemed a little less arrogant, than usual, which was good. Unfortunately, it appeared that he walked away from our fight last night with an entirely different idea of what made me mad than what was really making me mad. He thought that I was mad because he did the inconsiderate thing that fired off the argument. He had no idea that I was mad because he ended the fight with a comment that let me know that he had NO IDEA that the bigger issue behind my anger was the constant lack of consideration for my desires within our household. So I tried to get that across today. I ended up raising my voice and crying, but he ended up apologizing.

 

Of course, he has been known to apologize just to stop fighting. I asked him to promise that, next time I ask him to do or not do something, he tries to think - JUST A LITTLE - about whether he could either do/not do it, or at least compromise. He said he would. We'll see.

 

I still do need a counselor.

 

Is there a benefit to seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist over a social worker? Social workers seem to be what's primarily available to me, under my insurance.