robaday Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Hi, I could use some advice. Ive been seeing a beautiful, warm, caring girl for 5 months-its only my second relationship. I like her a lot, I care about her and enjoy my time with her. She is however needy, and at times Ive felt a little overwhelmed. Ive purposely taken things slow and been honest with her-I used to be very needy myself, but after my first relationship ended due to my insecurity/depression/neediness I took a year out without even sleeping with anybody until I was truly healed. This time around though, I am the polar opposite of the old me. I don't "feel" anything, I dont "need" anyone, and if anything I am probably cold because I have trouble expressing affection. I have expressly said I need my own space, and independence to continue working on myself. When she's pressured me I have been honest and said "look, I am sorry you are upset, but this is the way I am, and it is not going to change, I am still working on myself. I dont want to rush into anything and if you are looking for something deeper or more serious, I am probably not the right guy". I know that is harsh, but it is where I am at in my life-I've come back from suicidal depression and whilst I do adore her, I will not turn my life upside down for someone. The tension has been brewing for awhile, although my feelings have grown. Recently I have been making more of an effort and have planned two short trips with her, introduced her to all my good friends, have begun calling her my "girlfriend" and have agreed to date exclusively. Last night however she started having a go, saying I was unkind and recalling previous incidents. Slightly intoxicated, I agreed with what she was saying but asked that we live in the present, that I am making more of an effort but I cannot at this stage give her the assurances she's demanding for the future-essentially I am doing the best I can, and the more she pressures me the further I am going to run. She burst out crying and ran out of my flat thinking Id broken up with her which I hadn't. I heard her crying all the way down the road. I ran out and sat with her for awhile. She told me she loved me. Nobody has ever said this to me before, and its the first time its cropped up between us. I made sure she got home ok, went with her in the taxi and went home to bed. I dont love her, yet. From an ice cold heart which at one time swore it would never get involved with anyone again, Ive been surprised by how much she's grown on me, how fondly I think of her. But I dont yet love her. We're meeting tonight to talk. I dont know if I am leading her on and whether I should break up with her even though I do really like her and if she calmed down and relaxed I could see this becoming something good. I dont want to be an idiot here and dont want to mess her around. any advice much appreciated.
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It sounds like you've been honest with her about what you want and need, and she has been honest with you about what she wants and needs. Your needs and her needs aren't meshing right now though. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that and calling it a day. If you think you still have some work to do on yourself, maybe it's not best to be dating right now. Only you can decide that, but something to consider.
meerkat stew Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 If she was really so warm and caring, she wouldn't begrudge you your space, and wouldn't be emotionally bullying you so, which is exactly what she is doing, no matter how vulnerable and tender it looks when she does it. Have been in this situation you are in very many times in life. In fact, most of my GFs have done these very same things. I have found no solution. What I usually do is tell her gently, but some firmly that the only thing that is wrong with our relationship is that she is not showing our relationship enough respect, trying to push things when they are already unfolding so nicely. I ask her if she enjoys being with me and the things we do together, then reassure her that I enjoy being with her more than she could ever know. I ask her if there are some other romantic opportunities she wants to pursue, and reassure her that I only have eyes for her. She seems happy and cries and we hug, maybe go to bed. Less than a week later, it's back to business as usual with the insecurity and emotional bullying. I get firmer, and tell her that if she continues, it is going to drive me away, ask her if that's what she really wants, reassure her that that's the last thing I want. She seems happy and cries and we hug, maybe go to bed. Less than a week later, it's back to business as usual with the insecurity and emotional bullying. I get angry and tell her she is leaving me no choice, and break up with her. If you find the magic solution to this, please post it here or let me know, as it is one aspect of romance that eludes me completely.
Author robaday Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Thanks, Agreeing to date exclusively was a huge step for me, as is opening up and slowly entertain the idea of being in a relationship. Two years ago, it would be role reversal and me trying to see her every day and putting all worries over money, job and mates aside. But the time out was worthwhile, a year of therapy, anti-depressants, and self help as well as learning to love myself have resulted in me being more headstrong and wary of unrealistic expectations. It's only been 5 months. Slowly but surely I have let her into my life at my pace, even though there are times Id like to see her more, I dont want to rush things. I have not once raised my voice to her, not once placed demands on her, not once tried to control her, and do my best to not show jealousy-in essence I want her to lead her own life with her friends and we can compliment each other. But this seems to drive her insane-that sometimes on a Saturday Id prefer to hang out with my mates, and she takes this as a personal slight, instead of what I feel is a healthy lifestyle. How can I go about telling her to not take things so personally? Or from this short description are these kind of things unlikely to change?
OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Thanks, Agreeing to date exclusively was a huge step for me, as is opening up and slowly entertain the idea of being in a relationship. Two years ago, it would be role reversal and me trying to see her every day and putting all worries over money, job and mates aside. But the time out was worthwhile, a year of therapy, anti-depressants, and self help as well as learning to love myself have resulted in me being more headstrong and wary of unrealistic expectations. It's only been 5 months. Slowly but surely I have let her into my life at my pace, even though there are times Id like to see her more, I dont want to rush things. I have not once raised my voice to her, not once placed demands on her, not once tried to control her, and do my best to not show jealousy-in essence I want her to lead her own life with her friends and we can compliment each other. But this seems to drive her insane-that sometimes on a Saturday Id prefer to hang out with my mates, and she takes this as a personal slight, instead of what I feel is a healthy lifestyle. How can I go about telling her to not take things so personally? Or from this short description are these kind of things unlikely to change? I really think you're just on different pages. I should point out that I'm a pretty independent person, and I can't deal with guys doing to me what your gf is doing to you. All you can do is stop seeing her, IMO - you've told her what you need, and she's told you what she needs. What you both need right now is not the same thing. She's not willing to change, and neither are you.
Author robaday Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 thanks for great advice, I thought maybe I was inconsiderate, or too wrapped up in myself but it seems what I am feeling is normal. Meerkat that was hilarious but SO true. During the recent row, I told her not to pressure me, she said she understood and would ease off. One week later she said she wanted me to meet her parents and told me I can put her as my spouse (Im living abroad and need to renew my visa). Needless to say we are speaking different languages.
hoping2heal Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 thanks for great advice, I thought maybe I was inconsiderate, or too wrapped up in myself but it seems what I am feeling is normal. Meerkat that was hilarious but SO true. During the recent row, I told her not to pressure me, she said she understood and would ease off. One week later she said she wanted me to meet her parents and told me I can put her as my spouse (Im living abroad and need to renew my visa). Needless to say we are speaking different languages. Oh, I think you are definately wrapped up in yourself. But rather in a more of a "stuck in your own head" rather than just being selfish or self absorbed way. So you fell in love, got hurt. Determined your "neediness" was the cause of the relationship failing i.e all the pain and anguish you went through and now you have decided you must be a rigid stone. You seem to equate emotion and affection with negative consequences and pain. Not too hard to understand why, that seems to be the lesson you feel you have learned. Now, I'm not saying the way she is acting is all right and dandy either. You know it's a real shame that you've decided shutting yourself off is the way to go. IME that is what causes the most pain, long term. When you wake up one day and realise no one knows the real you, because you don't even know who that is. You've shut it out. When you realise you're all "independent" but all that really means is you don't trust anyone and no one has come to trust you. Sigh
Satisfaction Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Your needs and her needs aren't meshing right now though. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that and calling it a day. yes its sometimes better to break up than to stay together and wind each other up. Then love could turn into hate.
Author robaday Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Hi Hoping to heal, thanks for your reply-I value everyone's comments and that is what is so great about this forum. I would agree with you that me being unavailable is probably due to my past. I was a wreck in my last relationship, dealing with far too much stuff to be a decent partner. I lost my sister and two friends to unexpected deaths, and became dependant on drugs and alcohol and my ex. I was emotionally abusive and in retrospect do not blame her one bit for breaking up with me. But she was my first love, and when you take evrything else that was happening in my life into account, it hit me far harder than anyone could have thought when she ended it. It was evident to me I needed to fix myself. Fix all the things Ive never liked-no confidence with women, under-achiever, weak etc. Start from scratch at 27, as a strong mature man, which is largely admirable but means sadly I am shut off. Slowly but surely I have let her into my life, first with introducing her to my friends, secondly with agreeing to date exclusively, thirdly by supporting her after the death of one of her friends three months ago-I'm not a player and take others feelings very seriously. I do trust her and care for her. But I cannot reciprocate yet, nor am I sure I will be able to for a long time. Believe me I wish I could say "I miss you", "I love you" etc but at the moment I can't, I think it will come with time if things happened at a natural pace, but sadly they aren't. A year of therapy to build up self esteem and
hoping2heal Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) Hi Hoping to heal, thanks for your reply-I value everyone's comments and that is what is so great about this forum. I would agree with you that me being unavailable is probably due to my past. I was a wreck in my last relationship, dealing with far too much stuff to be a decent partner. I lost my sister and two friends to unexpected deaths, and became dependant on drugs and alcohol and my ex. I was emotionally abusive and in retrospect do not blame her one bit for breaking up with me. But she was my first love, and when you take evrything else that was happening in my life into account, it hit me far harder than anyone could have thought when she ended it. It was evident to me I needed to fix myself. Fix all the things Ive never liked-no confidence with women, under-achiever, weak etc. Start from scratch at 27, as a strong mature man, which is largely admirable but means sadly I am shut off. Slowly but surely I have let her into my life, first with introducing her to my friends, secondly with agreeing to date exclusively, thirdly by supporting her after the death of one of her friends three months ago-I'm not a player and take others feelings very seriously. I do trust her and care for her. But I cannot reciprocate yet, nor am I sure I will be able to for a long time. Believe me I wish I could say "I miss you", "I love you" etc but at the moment I can't, I think it will come with time if things happened at a natural pace, but sadly they aren't. A year of therapy to build up self esteem Okay, I can understand why you felt you needed a change in your life, but an extreme is not good even when going in a right direction. Do you know what I mean? You are so emotionally closed down you can't tell her you miss her, or you don't feel like you miss her? Because those are different things however I am going on the notion you can't tell her because you DON'T feel that way. I'm not sure what a year of therapy for self esteem has to do with anything. It sounds to me much more like a self defense mechanism going on. Having healthy self esteem doesn't mean you don't allow yourself to be interdependant with someone you love. Ummm.. let me put it this way Egotistical self esteem = Thinking your thoughts/feelings/needs are more important than everyone else's Low self esteem = Thinking your thoughts/feelings/needs are not as important as everyone else's Healthy self esteem =Thinking your thoughts/feelings/needs are just as important at everyone else's. Or a good example may be; a woman/man is standing in line at the grocery store with 3 items; when another person of the same sex comes along with an entire cart of groceries and asks that 3 item person if they can go ahead. The party with low self esteem says yes; because they don't believe their need to be at that place in line is as important as that other person's even though clearly they have the larger load. The egoist is going to say no without considering it once because he/she is most important. The person with healthy self esteem will also say no; but their decision making will vary from the egoist. They will consider that the person with the large cartful shouldn't be allowed to go ahead of them because they only have 3 items and there's no reason they shouldn't be in line ahead of someone with a whole cart full. Do you see? Shutting people out emotionally and closing yourself off has nothing to do with you getting a "healthy" self esteem. If you had said; I don't allow people to treat me like crap; I'd say ok! self esteem related. This is not the same thing. Edited January 19, 2010 by hoping2heal
Author robaday Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I agree, Can I ask one question though. Since I have shut people off emotionally, I have been propositioned by 5 women-what is with that? after 1 year of not having sex, I get opportunities left right and centre And no I didn't cheat, I just find it really strange that once I stopped caring what everyone thought about me, women everywhere began noticing me. At 27, after being frustrated most of my life, it is at the time when I least need anyone, that I am attracting women-what drives women to chase after a guy who obviously does not pay them any attention? is that attractive?
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