AllHopeRemains Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You HAVE to read the ENTIRE thing or it won't make sense. Don't think of it as a very long LS story, think of it as a very short book. These are real events, but I changed the names of the people to protect their identity. This is not a joke. This is my life, and the story of how it completely changed. Forever. If you think this is long, think again. This is the absolute bare bone story, almost a summary of a summary summed up into this. I know it's extremely long, but PLEASE read it. This is a very interesting story that taught me a lot as I experienced it, and opened even more questions at the same time. Hopefully you can answer one of them. I went head over heels for this girl named Sami. About a month after I met her, I told her I had feelings for her, and for the next week or so she kinda toyed with me, hinting that the feeling was mutual. However, it ended up being that she Never once liked me at all, even though she said she did eventually. I randomly (totally coincidentally) started talking to this girl named Jordan that was in one of my classes two years ago. We became great friends, and I told her about the Sami situation. I kept her informed mostly day to day and she tried to give me tips (I was crazy for Sami and couldn't figure out why she acted so distant and told me she liked me). Eventually, Jordan told me (as delicately as possible) that Sami was basically using me. She didn't like me, she liked being LOVED. She liked the attention I gave her. I texted her all the time and talked with her at school whenever I could. Eventually I kinda started believing Jordan, and I told Sami I was going to get over her. That happened no less than ten times. I would "get over her" and she would reel me back in so she could use me, but not ever date me or anything. Over and over, I "got over her," and actually apologized to HER with the sincerest of apologies for "making her sound like a heartless bitch." Jordan tried to help me, but I didn't listen. I wanted her to be the idealistic girl I was in love with. I was in love with the Sami I imagined, not the Sami who actually existed. She wasn't who I thought she was, she turned out very different. Jordan and I went and saw a funny movie, which was the first time we ever hung out out of school. We had a great time, and we just "clicked" as friends. That was the first time we had ever spent together, and it felt like we had been best friends our whole lives. That night was the first night since I met Sami that I DIDN'T dream of her. Instead, I dreamed that Jordan and I were married. When I woke up, I just said to myself it was because I had such strong feelings for Sami, and I wanted to have with Sami what I had with Jordan: fun. And friendship. A few days later, Jordan tells me she has something to tell me, that she will tell me the following day. I ask what it is, and she won't tell me. I also notice that she seems excited about this "something" and is acting a bit different. Finally, after about an hour of negotiating the next night via text, she tells me that she likes me. BAM. Out of nowhere, everything changed. My first, instant, most basic reaction was the overwhelming amount of happiness. Horrified by that reaction, I immediately suppressed that feeling and forced myself to "feel" something different. That night happened about 5 months ago. After she told me, I insisted that I was in love with Sami. She said she knew it was probably wrong of her to tell me, and that she was sorry. For the next two months or so, I KEPT falling in and out of love with Sami, letting her reel me back in. The thing is, (I know this now, but I thought I loved her then) I DIDN'T have any real feelings for Sami. The defense I built against Jordan's feelings was me amplifying my feelings for Sami. I basically exaggerated my feelings for Sami in my mind until I believed them myself. Another month passed, and I eventually "got over Sami" for what I thought would be the last time. I told Jordan that I had feelings for her, and I was over Sami. After about two weeks, she let her wall down, believing that I was FINALLY over Sami. We were happy. We talked all the time, hung out all the time, on the verge of dating when out of nowhere, I (would kill myself if I even THOUGHT about repeating this mistake) told Jordan as lightly as I could that I still had feelings for Sami, and it was wrong of me to lead her on when it was "inevitable" that I would go back to Sami eventually. If I could fix ONE thing in my life, it would be this action. Heartbroken, Jordan constructed an indestructible wall around her heart. She had told me that she liked me more than anyone she had ever liked before in her life. I told her I loved her, because I felt like I did. Because I told her I loved her, and then went back to Sami YET AGAIN, she basically sealed herself off to me forever to protect herself, as any person would do. It still pains me to relive what pain I caused her, I don't go a day without thinking about it. That time I went back to Sami was the last time. I got over her. I realized that Jordan had been right all along. I was so STUPID, so naive, so BLIND before!!! I finally came to the realization that Sami had never liked me, and that knowledge was enough to lose all feelings for her in a matter of a week. She used me, and I gladly withdrew my heart from her hands. Jordan and I remained friends, though nowhere near as close as we used to be. After denying it for two weeks or so, I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with Jordan. She was everything I thought Sami was. Everything that Sami had failed to be, Jordan was. Where Sami was selfish, Jordan was selfless. Where Sami was shallow, Jordan was intricately deep. Sami said what she had to to keep me around. Jordan was actually more caring, sweet, and unique than anyone I had ever met. And it took me breaking her heart to realize it. I told Jordan that I liked her. I told her I made a huge mistake. She didn't believe me for a second. My feelings for her became stronger and stronger every day. A few weeks later, we were back to being good friends (ALMOST as we were before, but not quite). She still didn't believe me, but she was starting to. I continued to feel this way and occasionally tell her how I felt. She had major major trust issues with me at this point (I can't blame her), and I made mistakes like dramatizing everything and creating unnecessary conflicts. I would blow things up into a huge deal, related to "us" or not, and she would get pissed and stop talking to me for a while (a day or so), and then we would be lukewarm again on the friendship scale. This happened over and over and it wore down the intensity of our friendship. I'm living in a hellhole for her. My life is a living Hell when I'm away from her. My mom is crazy, my stepfather is as verbally abusive as my mom, but also has the added feature of being physically abusive as well. I have the option of moving in with my real father in another state. He is a great parent, and very level headed. He and I play guitar, and race shifter karts. He manages his money well, is very intelligent, very life-experienced, and very good at being a parent basically. Also, I'm poor living with my mom, and living at my dad's house would give me all the financial opportunity I need. Here at my mom's house, she's too lazy to buy me shampoo when I need it, whereas my father is willing to do just about anything for me money wise, granted that I am doing well in school and help around the house chore wise. Basically, my mom's house is a crappy life and my dad's house is a great life. Jordan is here. I live here and plan to as long as I can to keep Jordan in my life and I have no doubts or regrets whatsoever. I trust her with my life, and I love her to death. She is absolutely as close to perfect as a human being can get. She loves kids and is great with them, and she wants to be a special needs teacher. she is funny and cunning, and can be totally random in the most adorable way. She has been dancing since she was 3, and is VERY talented. She is very pretty, and when we're together I feel so ALIVE. I feel so warm inside, so happy. Having her in my life makes me able to endure anything. I'd go through a Hell a thousand times worse for the rest of my life to keep her in my life. I'd do anything for her. Well, eventually she had had enough drama, and said it would never work. She was tired of the drama, the trust issues, everything. She said maybe it was best we didn't talk for a week. I reluctantly agreed, knowing the purpose was to attempt to weaken my feelings for her, so I could get over her and we could just be friends. She didn't want to be more than a friend to me because she didn't want me to break her heart again. If only she knew I would never in a million years leave her. The longest week of my life: During that week, I kept a journal that I typed. This is the journal that I wrote to Jordan during that time: …….?#########? …..?#############? …?###############? ..?#################?………………?###? ..?##################?……….?#########? ….?#################?……?#############? …….?################?..?###############? ………?################?################? ………..?###############################? …………..?############################? …………….?#########################? ………………?######################? ………………..?###################? ………………….?#################? ……………………?##############? ………………………?###########? ………………………..?#########? ………………………….?#######? ……………………………?#####? ……………………………..?###? ……………………………….?#? …………………………………? …………………………………? ……………………………….? ……………………………..? ……………………………? …………………………? ……………………….? …………………….? ………………….? ………………? ………….? ………? ……? ….? ……?………………….?…? ……….?………….?…………? …………..?…..?……………….? ……………….?…………………? …………….?……?…………..? …………..?………….?….? ………….? December 5, 2009 I'm not sure exactly what this is, or what it will become. I don't know if it's a diary/journal, venting, message in a bottle, I just don't know. But over the course of the last 37 hours and 51 minutes, several things have crossed my mind that I believe are worth mentioning. The most important is not good news. It's so severe that I am fighting against myself to even bring myself to admit what I am about to admit. It's excruciatingly painful, to betray my heart like this. But I'm hoping that the comfort that will ensue will outweigh the pain. So here it goes: I am lying to myself. Often. I tell myself, and you that I want to get over you. On the surface there is no doubt that those are my intentions, but I realized that despite my efforts, I was basing everything around a small glint of hope; I was trying to begin the process of getting over you with the possibility of my dangerous dreams someday coming true. I don't want to admit it, but I'm trying to cheat the system. I'm still chasing a happily ever after. Big problem. I don't know what it will take to commit my WHOLE self to getting over you, and I don't know if it's even possible. I don't think it's possible to rid myself of every single little desire to somehow cheat the system. I'm basically not cooperating. I'm not entirely committed to the task of getting over you. Not at heart. Another idea I mused... What is the point of this? Many things are still unclear to me. I can't really grasp the idea. That, or I don't want to believe it. I don't know what to do, or how to go about this. Especially since I don't actually WANT to do this. I honestly have little faith in this idea's success, largely due to the fact that I realized that I was capable of loving you under the cruelest of circumstances. For some reason my stubborn mind refuses to dash out the small flickering flame of hope. I don't want to lose hope. Ever. I don't want to forget you. Ever. I want to be friends with you, and suppress my feelings. I can live like that. In fact I would prefer it. I'm in so deep I don't care if it hurts tenfold tomorrow, I want to be with you for as long as possible today. I don't care what the price is. I will master the art of suppression so that I can keep my privilege. This is a very sticky situation. My mind doesn't want to grasp any offered reasons WHY it wouldn't work out between us. My default has become: "it could still work out. somehow. someday. it could happen." I don't even truly understand why it didn't work out as of recently, other than time. I think time will nurture the deepest wounds, on both sides, because with time comes occurrences, and with occurrences come examples. Character, intention, and capability shine through every time you or any person does anything. Everything you do reflects those aspects of you. So in essence, time could provide eventual opportunities to showcase character, motivation, intention, capability, and trustworthiness. This being said, I am very optimistic for our friendship, which I believe will improve. However, I do not trust myself. I do not want to think of you in that way, because I know it's best. But an even bigger part of me that wants to use this smaller part of me as a disguise so that I can, as I said, "cheat the system." I don't know why I'm so reluctant to give you up. I don't know why I have no faith that I am actually capable of that. I suppose its because I was SO SURE that what I felt for Sami was love, and then you came along and my feelings for you put the ones I had for Sami to shame. Also, as things became more turbulent with Sami, I started piecing together the profile of the love of my life. I assembled one being with all of the qualities, features, types of persons that I was looking for in Sami and could not find. As I pieced together my perfect love, I started realizing that you were each and every one of those things that made up the person I loved. It was like I designed my own soul mate, and lo and behold, you happen to be everything I wanted all along. And more. I was so sure. I let myself like you more and more and more and more and more until I gave up completely on monitoring my feelings for you. Everything was so rare, so ideal, so... happy. I knew you were the one. If I never get over you, I will lie. I will act. I will fake. Then I can remain friends with you, keeping me alive (losing you altogether would shatter me), without you feeling guilt. I guess I've made up my mind. I may never get over you. I may never admit that in the future. I will remain as close to you as I can without having too high of a risk of a breakdown, and have a friendship with you, do you can have a clear conscience. Don't try to get me to tell the truth, I will lie for you. Don't feel guilty in any way. Ever. I will never give up hope completely. NEVER. But if fate has it that we aren't meant to be more than friends, I will tolerate it in such a way that you will truly know that I have gotten over you. The only thing I will truly regret about this is that I have to lie to you. But it's for the best. For both of us. Other than that, I am 100% sure that this is what I want to do, and I wouldn't have it any other way, unless of course there was some other way to reach the same goal with less drawbacks. This is the most tolerable, favorable coarse of action I can come up with for you and I. I can handle this. You will benefit from this. Things like that keep me going, keep me happy. That's all that's on my mind right now. Sorry it's so brief. See? I'm even making sad attempts at sarcasm. I'm feeling better already. No need to worry. I suppose this can be my journal. This time nothing feels right to me, I'm sinking deeper within, I'll wait for you to lose sight of me, Before I suffer again. December 6, 2009 My life is exploding. Everything is happening; I just wish it would slow down at least. It's happening too fast, too violently. I got a haircut. I'd tell you more about what's happened recently, with everything going on, but I made you a promise and I intend to keep it. Besides, knowing that you will have all of this off your shoulders, not feeling guilty about anything makes me feel better. I guess I'm just glad you're going to be okay. I'm going to have to eliminate music from my life for a while. It's too... Um. That includes guitar. Guitar affects me too. Today the song Fallin' For You - Coby Caillat started playing three times throughout my day. That's all I'm going to say about that. You answered that thing on social interview saying I would bake a bad actor. You were wrong. My family hasn't noticed anything at all, and I feel nothing like I did 3 days ago. I'm sick of life and the **** it dumps on you out of nowhere. One second life is great, five minutes later your life is forever changed from some blindside reality-check. One day can seem like a year. It's crazy, to think about what can happen in a day. To think that twenty four hours ago, everything was completely different, and there's no way that what you had so recently will ever come back. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this any more. I don't even know what to write. I can't share my feelings, I can't share anything happening in my life. asdfjkl; I guess this is what you would say to me if you could. I, Keep it locked up inside Keep my distance from your lies It's too late to love me now You have never shown me It's too late to love me now You don't even know me Breaking a part of my heart to find release Taking you out of my blood to bring me peace Breaking a part of my heart to find release Taking you out of my blood to bring me peace December 7, 2009 I'm typing this on Windows Notepad. Reason? No Internet. Reason? I'm "doing poorly in school and lied to my mom when I told her I was doing better in school, because my interim reflects that I haven't been putting forth any effort, and I've made no improvement, and am not doing my homework like I said." Since I dropped the AP English course, I have completed every ****ing assignment, and received no less than a 93 on any of the ones handed back. I studied about 2 hours tonight, about an hour more than usual. After 2 hours of homework and 2 hours of studying in front of her, I asked for internet. She told me I needed to study and do my homework. School is a rollercoaster. I'm up and down and up and down. I up, happy, smiling, laughing for about 5 minutes, distracted by the present situation. 30 Seconds later and I'm back to being how I really feel. I thought I would be better at faking happiness than this. I try to smile but I usually am trying not to cry. When I'm really close to tears, I make a joke or laugh at something, anything for an immediate distraction. Anything to keep from crying. Most of my time is spent staring though. At first I would stare and think. Mourn. I can't now. It hurts too much. Now I focus on thinking of absolutely nothing. I try my best not to think about it at all, though I fail miserably. Sometimes thinking about other problems distracts me for a while. Like my dying grandpa. Or how my dad, my aunt, and my grandmother are taking 8 hour shifts at the CCU with him. Or how Christi threw her life away. Or how my dad and Dwyana have to go to court to get legal custody of Madi, Christi and Drew's toddler daughter. Or my **** life at home. But none of the distractions last long or work well. Eventually, this situation slips into my mind even though I'm fighting it. I can't avoid it. Every single day I see you at school. I would swear to God that I saw you. But I look again, and you are gone. Instantly. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I try (also unsuccessfully) to avoid music altogether. It's also too painful. And (of course) every song I happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time for and hear some of is a song that relates directly to my life. How convenient. That totally helps. Helps reduce me to tears. There's no escape. I can't run from this. I can't just block it out like it doesn't exist. It's kind of hard to ignore the biggest part of my life. There's something about deprivation that has a nasty sting to it. It augments the want for that which one is deprived of. Take away a dog's bone, and what does it think about? The bone. The bone. The bone. The bone. Time slows. As if I didn't want you enough before this detox, now it's even stronger. Deprivation exaggerates the longing of whatever you're deprived of. I'm starting to question this. I wonder if the good outweighs the bad. I hope so. Ha. Hope. What an evil, miserable word. I can't live like this. Ever. I can't be deprived of you. I need you. To live. Need. I've made it this far. But it's getting more and more difficult. I don't know how much longer I can go without cracking. My will to make it less painful later will disintegrate soon. I won't stop myself from thinking about you, or listening to music, or playing guitar, or falling into my own little oblivion. I scare myself. Just as I typed that, I was thinking how wonderful that will be. I can't wait. To just give up, and let it consume me. To be engulfed by the most bittersweet euphoria that ever existed. I don't care how much it hurts. It feels so good. I don't know how much longer I can hold up. The pathetic wall I built around my brain, my heart, is crumbling. I'm musing with the idea of letting myself think about it as much as possible, letting myself crumble and all that, and hoping that the ecstasy will outweigh the pain. I want to be friends with you, and not stop myself from thinking of you in that way. I don't want to ever lose hope. I don't want to ever stop loving you no matter what it does to me. I will always be there, and I will always love you. I know that you will never love me, never even like me, and I am willing to live like that. I want to live like that. I would rather love you in pain my entire life than be deprived of you any longer than I have to. I don't care if seeing you hurts me. It also feels very good. I don't care if hearing you hurts me. I don't care if being with you hurts me. I don't care if hugging you hurts me. I don't care how much it hurts. Seeing you, hearing you, being with you, hugging you is worth any price. I know if I choose this, I will have to hide any pain from you. I will have to lie to your face. But I will only lie about things that would cause you even the smallest amount of guilt. Not that you have anything to be guilty for. This is not your fault. It's mine. Even still, your character will give you guilt if you know the truth when this happens. The only way I can keep my privilege is to hide the pain. Otherwise you will excommunicate me and have guilt. This is doubly wrong, because excommunicating me would only make it more painful for me. I can't even imagine what I'm going through right now for the rest of my life instead of the 7 long days and nights I must endure. Also, being hundreds of miles away, never to have any contact with you ever again. I can't even comprehend that. Surely God is kind enough to let me suffer next to you for the rest of my life. I cannot let you feel guilty. Not only will that be hard enough for me that you feel guilty, but I would lose my privileges, and I cannot let that happen. I will do anything to ensure that I can live like this. I will lie, and hold all of the pain inside me. Not a single person will know that I am even in pain. I will make myself a pro at it so I can still have you in my life. I can't risk another person telling you that I am in pain, so no one can know about this. You might be wondering by now why I've waited this long to allow you to read this. Why I didn't just call off the 7 day thing, if it had no point by now. The way I see it, this is an ordeal. I am being deprived of you in every form except those that cause me only pain. Like hearing a song that reminds me of you or that brings back very vivid memories of you or thinking about you or anything like that. If I can complete this ordeal that has no purpose, withstand the pain and finish out the remaining days, then I can live like I want to. I can live loving you, in pain, for the rest of my life. It will be much easier than this is actually because unlike this, that will actually have a purpose. That will allow me to have you in my life quite a good bit, and at the same time will allow you to be free of me, free of the guilt I have caused you. What greater cause is there than that? That's more than enough motivation to hold it all in. It will be much easier than you would think it would be. I guess my mind is made. Right now, you're reading this much after I decided this. Right now, in the frame of time that you sit as you read this, I have been growing more and more fond of this plan and more and more committed to it. I also am falling more and more in love with you. I fall for you more each day, if that is even possible. I just came up with it tonight (for me, the 7th of December), but I have had a very long time to set my mind to this plan by now. I guess by the time you read these words, my mind will already have been made. This is what I want. This is the best way for both of us to be happy. You will be free, and happy. I will be enslaved to you, and happy. It's perfect in its own little way. While I still have a while to get away with stuff like this before you can object to it, I might as well make use of it. I can be honest here I guess. By the time you read it, I will be telling you that I am over you. That I feel no pain. I will never tell you the truth if those things are lies. Please don't be mad at me. Be happy for me. This is what I wanted. What I still want, even as you read this. Everything I have said in this note is the truth. Everything I will say in this note will be the truth. After the 7 days are up, I will lie about the pain. I will not tell you if I still love you. Or if I am over you. Or if I feel pain. I will lie and say I don't love you, I don't feel pain whether it's true or not. Think of this as a much more successful attempt at what Edward did, by telling Bella he didn't love her. It’s safer for you, and won’t hurt you because you don’t love me. It’s perfect. I already know what the last words I want you to read on this note are. I know what the last words on this note will be, the words that I will type in a few days. I mean those words. I mean them now, and I have meant them since I told you I felt this way. I mean them now, and in a week from now, and in a month from now, and in a year from now. I will always mean them. No matter what. What can I do? Say it's true When everything that matters breaks in two Say it's true I'll never ask for anyone but you December 8, 2009 This might be my last entry in this... journal. God, I won't be able to make it through tomorrow without crumbling. By the time I get back home tomorrow I will have already given up trying to mask my emotions in the safety of my room. I will have given up avoiding music. I will have given up not thinking about you all the time. I can't wait. Again, typing this on Windows Notepad. Everything is becoming more augmented. I'm getting better at putting on a mask, but getting worse at protecting myself when I take the mask off. I want to wear the mask full-time. I'm trying to, but it's hard. I don't want anyone to know anything is wrong. I don't want you to know anything is wrong right now. Now as in MY now, December 8th. Today I saw Lee. I immediately put on my mask. I grinned, and forced some spring into my step. I held this all the way to the bus, where I sat in my seat, put my head down, and cried silently. I feel like it's been years since I've heard from you. It's becoming harder to restrain myself from thinking about you. VERY. Difficult. I want to so badly. I want to just give in and have you all around me. I want to relive every second I've ever spent with you in person, and in my dreams. But I shouldn't. I can't allow myself to do that until 8:00 A.M., Saturday morning. I fear sleep. It terrifies me. Each night is its own little Heaven in the center of Hell. Fearful, I warily drift off to sleep each night. And each night, unwillingly, I dream about you. And it's like heroine. It is the most amazing feeling, tricking myself into thinking that I am actually with you. But I can only spend eight hours in Heaven. Then I must wake, and return to the Hell surrounding my little sleep-induced Heaven. Each waking is like death. It hurts. Immensely. My dream is always the same; I dream that my life's path lead down the nearly impossible future that I cling to, the hope that things worked out. We became friends, very good friends. But I loved you still. Just as I do in the real world. But by some miracle, you loved me back. Not only did you date me, and like me, which in itself was enough to give me happiness beyond any other, but you LOVED me. We loved each other. We began dating. Finally, after all this time, we dated. Us dating made everything easier. I gained your trust, though my intentions didn't change at all. It wasn't that I was any more honest in my dream than I actually am, just that you let down your wall, and let me love you. You let yourself see that I loved you. You believed me. But most importantly, you loved me. And I loved you. Every second with you excited my heart, and when we hugged, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that God was present. If I ever have doubted His existence, my faith in Him was easily restored by those moments with you. They restored my faith because there is no possible way for anything or anyone BUT God to have created the feelings inside me when we were together, when we kissed, when we laughed, when we looked into each other's eyes laying next to each other, holding one another. No one, nothing is capable of creating such feelings except God. Nothing less than God's power could make me experience what I did in those dreams with you. But, there is a reason I fear sleep. It ends. When I wake, and realize that it was only a dream, the pain doesn't hesitate or graduate. It surges through me instantly. It is not just pain in my heart, emotional pain. It actually causes me physical pain. Despite this happening morning after morning, I do not realize the next night when I am dreaming that it is only a dream. I remember nothing of waking in such pain. All I know is that I am with you, and it is REAL. It is absolutely undoubtedly REAL. Another reason why it is so painful when I wake up. Everything you said, everything I felt, was all a lie. The pain fades to a numbing buzz after a few hours, but the vomiting ceases within ten or so minutes. The migraine takes some heavy Advil. A little coffee and I'm ready for school, left only to deal with the slowly fading pain and headache. Repetition does absolutely nothing to ease the amount of pain. Each death is fresh, agonizing, ruthless, excruciating. I would like to rephrase something that was stated earlier. I do not fear sleep. I fear the consequences of allowing sleep to lie to me. If only I had the power to recognize that it is not real. That it is only a dream. Then waking would involve much less pain. I saw you at school again today. From nearly 70 feet away, I recognized you the second I laid eyes on you. And when I saw you, it was like being torn in half. It felt so horribly GOOD. Like I had been shot in the chest when I saw you, and the sight of you was the most comforting, warm, perfect feeling, all at the same time. So right when I saw you, I clenched my fists so hard that my nails made my palms bleed. I failed miserably at stifling the umph that I let out from the gunshot wound. After nearly a second, I looked at my palms, and saw the marks where my nails had been. Terrified that you would disappear, I looked back up, my eyes desperately scanning the crowd for your beautiful face. You were gone. I quickly ducked into the bathroom to wash my hands, stop the crying, and compose myself enough to go to my first class without arousing suspicion. As I walked out of the bathroom, some girl I have never seen ran her fingers through my hair, telling me she "loved my hair." I managed to choke out a "thanks" and a smile, surprised, and at the same time not really caring. Apparently it was a pathetic smile because her smile disappeared, and she asked "Are you okay?" eyes wide. "Fine" I said. "You're shaking..." she accused, her arm behind me with her hand on my shoulder. "I said I'm fine" I snapped, and walked away. I was pissed at myself. Pissed isn't the word for it. Furious. Not only for doing a miserable job at masking myself (so poorly that a stranger knew that I wasn't fine at all), but also for everything I have done. One of the few exceptions to my dreams about you is the dream I had last night. I dreamed that I discovered a way to return to the past, and God knew about it. God warned me not to do it, not to go back. I went anyways. I went back to the night after we saw Harry Potter 5 at the movies. I had a shovel. I beat my past self with a shovel. Every blow I delivered to my anti-self, I felt for myself. When I swung and hit him in the face with the shovel, my own face felt exactly what my past self felt. I kept hitting. I hated him. If he only knew what laid ahead of him on that night. If he knew the horrible choices I would make, the pain I would cause. I wanted to kill him. But I knew I couldn't, because then the real me would cease to exist. I beat him with the handle, breaking ribs and wrists, and a giving him a concussion. I put him over my shoulders and took him to the hospital. They didn't ask why a carbon copy of myself was bleeding and broken over my shoulders, they just put him in the ER. I stayed in the room with him for the next three weeks, minus when my parents and friends would visit. He went through several reconstructive surgeries to his face, and had surgery on both wrists, with pins and screws holding the bones together. The bones that weren't shattered, that is. You visited every day, very concerned. I hid myself when you came; I somehow had the ability to sense your arrival. But I listened to what you said to my anti-self, who was in a coma. You told him that Sami knew, and that you were so sorry that this happened to me. You also told me that you liked me, and that Sami was... well, Sami. You wished that you could tell me that you liked me, but knew it would only make my life more complicated. You told me you didn’t blame me for liking her and not liking you. At this, I grimaced, shaking my head, trying to keep my head so I didn’t run into the room and confess my undying love to you, therefore confusing you and making you think that I was insane to “love” someone and “love” someone different the next day for absolutely no apparent reason. But I didn't listen. I didn't hear any of it. My coma kept me in a symbolic sleep that prevented me from listening to you. After about two weeks I finally woke. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was your thumb, slowly stroking the only undamaged part of my face. At this point in the dream, I (my actual self) was the person in the bed, with all of the bandages, bruises, casts, and IV's. Somehow my perspective transferred to the other me. I guess my future was altered, so I became the past Michael Day. During my coma, I saw everything that would have happened to me in the next months if I hadn't been beaten with a shovel by my future self. I saw what ACTUALLY happened to me, Michael Day, in real life (as in not in this dream). It was all like a movie. It was like I had been beaten, healed, and kept living my life from that point on; I went on to do what I actually have done in real life, only to reach where I was right then in the dream, waking up in a coma, finding that it was all a dream. That nothing had actually happened, other than meeting you and realizing through my life-changing comatose-induced dream that I loved Jordan Dickson. I really did fall in love with you, but I still was my anti-self before I was beaten and saw everything that would happen afterwards while in my coma. When I woke, you started crying, and smiled, and said you were worried about me. You asked me how I was feeling. I looked in your eyes, tears in my eyes, and said "I have never felt this good in my entire life." You looked confused, but two nurses and a doctor rushed in with my waking, and asked you to leave the room for the time being. Still dumbfounded, you slowly stood, turned, and left the room. I watched you go as they buzzed around me, checking vitals and talking to one another. Out of nowhere, myself appeared. He was unharmed. The doctors could not see him. No one but I could see him. He explained to me that he was from the future; he was a path that the future could lead to. He was from the path that I had seen in my coma. He made it very clear that everything I had seen could very easily become my future; it was up to me to make sure that I did not repeat myself. Literally. I then realized that I was staring into the face of myself from several life changing months into the future. I recalled every event I had lived through in my coma, and felt then in the dream exactly as I do now in real life. I realized EXACTLY who I was. I realized EVERYTHING I had ever done wrong in the coma dream. But most importantly, I knew EXACTLY where my heart lay. Suddenly hurried, my future self said "you know what to do," and left. I then saw why he left. You were hurriedly striding down the hallway, dodging interns, worried eyes on me. You were at my bedside in a second, and you asked me if I was okay, still extremely confused but mostly worried. "Are you sure you're okay?" you asked, very concerned. I assured you I had never felt better, and your confusion lingered. "Jordan," I said, looking you right in the eyes. I took your hand, and you held it in both of your hands, and replied "yes?" Tears came to my eyes once again, and you waited intently. "I love you." The wildest expression crossed your face as the impossible words rang in your ear. "What??? Michael, I think I need to call the doctor, I'm very worried about you." I laughed, confusing you further, and said "Jordan, I'm perfectly fine. I'm not incoherent or delusional. Don't say anything... I know you probably have a million questions right now, because you think I love Sami." Trying to suppress a slight smile, you replied "What are you talking about? Michael, you DO love Sami!" I just laughed, and lightly squeezed your hand, enjoying your presence. "I don't understand.......," you said. I laughed once more, and told you "It's sort of... a long story. A Very. Long. Story." All you said was, “I have time,” and smiled. And a long story it was indeed, but you listened as I told you what I had lived through in my coma dream (what had happened in real life after that night), sometimes frightened, sometimes humored, sometimes awed, sometimes horrified, sometimes crying, sometimes silent. Occasionally you asked questions. I told you the whole story, every single detail, vividly etched into my brain. I had lived his reality in my coma. From my perspective, it was as though I had lived that painful life, and somehow gone back in time to change everything, to start from the beginning with the knowledge of my future. I told you the entire story, from the movies when we first met to discovering I could travel time to realizing it was all a dream I had while in a coma, all the way up to myself telling the story to you in the hospital. I told you everything over the course of the next week. You came every day to the hospital, and listened as the story unfolded, and the connections were made. About three days before I was released from the hospital, Sami Williams visited me (about a week after she heard of the incident). She asked how I was doing, and we talked for about 5 minutes. In those five minutes I convinced her to pursue Travis. She was relieved to find that I didn't like her, and asked Travis out the next week. My face healed entirely, and I was released from the hospital with two lime green arm casts and crutches that I was to use for the next week to help my sprained ankle finish healing. The day I was released, we left the hospital together, and we sat down on a bench outside. "So?..." I asked, laying my crutches against the bench. "What would you like to do?" You smiled. "Oh! I know" I exclaimed, "we could go to the premier of New Moon; you, Brittany, and I!" A little bit let down that I wanted Brittany to come, you listened as I reminded you that you had already made plans to see the movie with Brittany. You nodded, still obviously disappointed. My heart picked up pace, sensing what I was about to do. "Jordan?" I asked. "Hmm?" you said. "You do realize what I told you over the past week changes things, right?..." I asked. Processing what I said, your expression slowly changed. "Does that mean…?" You trailed off. "Will you go out with me?" I said, grinning. We turned and hugged each other, both smiling, giddy inside. After a while, we let each other go and our hands awkwardly found each other, resting on the bench. We both smiled. I was without a doubt the happiest person ever to have lived. I scooted closer to you, putting my arm around you. I laughed, looking at my arm. "You really wanna date a cripple?" I joked. You laughed and laid your head on my shoulder. "I love you, Jordan" I whispered in your ear, and then kissed your head. "I love you, too" you whispered, taking my hand in yours. “I’ve never been so happy, liked someone this much..” you admitted. I inhaled your scent, intoxicated. My heart fluttered when I thought about how I was ACTUALLY there with you, my arm around you, your head on my shoulder, and my heart in your possession. "MICHAEL!!! MICHAEL WAKE UP! NOW!@" B O O M. The fresh gunshot wound in my chest made it nearly impossible to breathe. Isn’t life grand. And such was the start of my morning. Suppose that I missed you Suppose that I cared And suppose that I spent All my nights running scared And suppose That I was never there And my eyes are screaming For the sight of you And tonight I'm dreaming Of all the things that we've been through Suppose we were happy Suppose it was true And suppose there were cold nights But we thought that we'd get through And suppose That I'm nothing without you Suppose that I missed you Suppose that I cared And suppose that I spent All my nights running scared And suppose That I was never there Suppose that I was wrong Suppose that you were here And suppose that I reached out And caught your tears And suppose This fight just disappeared… December 9, 2009 B O O M. The fresh gunshot wound in my chest made it nearly impossible to breathe. Isn’t life grand. And such was the start of my morning. Today, as expected, I gave in. I now let my thoughts roam free. I’m free to think about you all day long and dream about you all night long. I wonder if I will be strong enough to have this freedom after this week is up, when I will lie to you. I hope I will be strong enough to think about you all the time and still lie to you that I am totally over you. I don’t ever want to give up being able to think about you and anything that reminds me of you, which is basically everything. I never want to lose that. I am still adamant about my plan though. I will give you the truth now, but once you have read this, I will never give you any answer other than that I am fine, over you, and without pain, whether it’s true or not. It’s the only way that you will allow me to stay near enough to you to enjoy you as a friend at most, and I don’t know if I could ever have anything less with you. As soon as you have read this, I will tell you I am over you. This whole thing is my fault. That, I can’t deny. If I had only known what I know now back when I had everything. That is the worst pain of all. THAT is the reason I cry myself to sleep. That is the single worst mistake I have ever made, and if I could go back and beat the living **** out of myself and let my comatose self live the real future, only to find out that it was all a dream, and that he still had a chance, I would. If I could go back as the Michael Day of December 09, 2009, and go back to that night at the movies, and replace the Michael Day of that night, I would. If I had one wish. Just one wish. That would be it. I just can’t get it out of my head; it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I want that more than anything else on Earth; to spare everyone I hurt after that night, and to save everyone, including myself, all of the drama and stress and pain that I caused. To just have ONE MORE CHANCE. To have one more shot at that night. That will forever go down as the most important day of my life. That day, everything changed. If only I could have changed as rapidly as my life did that evening… It will haunt me for the rest of my life. I tear my heart open I sew myself shut My weakness is That I care too much And the stars remind us That the past is real I tear my heart open Just to feel December 10, 2009 B O O M. The fresh gunshot wound in my chest made it nearly impossible to breathe. Isn’t life grand. And such was the start of my morning. I’m trying to focus on how much my back hurts, but I keep letting my mind slip back onto you. I almost broke my back yesterday. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but to wonder if it would have been such a bad thing if I did. If I broke my back and wasn’t paralyzed, it would bring my life to a halt. I would be away from my mom while I was in the hospital, I would have a break from school (which is brutal at the moment), and most importantly, I would have time. Plenty of time. I would have time to think. To sort my life out. Oh well. I’m left with only a very sore spine; hopefully it’s nothing serious and will go away. I just found a humungous flaw in my plan that I don’t think either of us have caught so far. By the time you are reading this, it has probably been a while now since the seven long days that I am currently suffering through. I have probably already told you that I am over you, that I don’t love you, and that I’m not in pain. If that were true, then why would I still be here in South Carolina? Why would I not be in Georgia with my dad if I was over you, and didn’t love you? You are the only reason that I am here. I love you. If I tell you I’m over you and don’t love you anymore and have no pain, then why the Hell would I still be here? That is not to say, however, that if for some reason I was given no choice and forced to move, that I would ever stop loving you. Today my mom threatened me, saying that it wasn’t my choice where I lived, and that if she didn’t want me to live here she could send me to my dad’s house if she wanted to. I immediately dropped the argument, not wanting to test her words. I didn’t want to find out if she was all talk or if she meant it. I didn’t want to risk being forced to leave my little Heaven. That scared me. I have plenty of reasons for keeping this from you this whole time. I didn’t want you to feel any guilt, as I have expressed some of the less painful things that I currently consider and experience in this note. I didn’t want you to feel any guilt for pain that was my own fault. I also didn’t want you to know that I really did still love you. I didn’t want you to know that I suffered through each and every minute of this seven day long Hell. I didn’t want you to know that I love you, or that I will always feel that way, despite what I will tell you after 8:00 A.M., Saturday, December 12th, 2009. I will lie to you after that time on that date about my feelings for you. I will love you forever, no matter what comes out of my mouth after that time. But I can’t let you know that. I must hold it in. After 8:00 A.M. on that morning, I will act as though I do not love you. Perhaps I will even tell you how great the week was, how I realized that I didn’t love you. No, that would hurt you further. To fall “out of love” with someone in a matter of seven days means the “love” never existed to begin with. I will make it more convincing, then. I will admit to the difficulty of the week, but spare you every single detail. Then, over the course of weeks and months, I will slowly “fall out of love with you.” I don’t want to lie to you, to lose your trust (if I have any at all), but I feel that it is best for you. Since getting over you is impossible, and telling the truth about loving you will cause you guilt and perhaps result in me never being able to see you, the only option is to lie to you. To lie, slowly faking my heart’s decent. And after I “fall out of love with you,” we can be friends. But that still leaves one problem unsolved; if I “don’t love you,” then why am I still in South Carolina? The truth is that I do love you, of course, and that is why I am in South Carolina. But you will think that I do not love you by this time, and my staying here will prompt questions… Asdfjkl; I have not decided whether or not I will allow you to read this when my week is up, or if I will hide this truth until I can be sure that you will feel ZERO guilt. Or… or maybe… maybe I should just lie. Maybe I should just tell you I love you still, then a month later, I think I love you, then a month later, I still like you, then a month later, I don’t like you anymore. I’m free (well at least to your knowledge). You’re free. We’re free. I will lie to you and lead you to believe that I don’t love you or even like you, so that you can be happy, free, and guilt-free. It is only by love that I can be strong enough to do this, to lie to you for your own benefit. My love for you makes your happiness, freedom, and clear conscience worth anything I can give. I will lie to you. Over the course of perhaps months, to make it as convincing as possible, though I would like to make the process of me acting like I’m falling out of love with you as short as possible, because the less time I’m “falling out of love with you,” the less time you will feel guilt and stress, and the sooner you can be FREE. And that is my ultimate goal: For you to be free as soon as possible. Freeing you will take a careful balance of time for this faking you out. Too short and it won’t be convincing, or you will think that it was all lies and that I never loved you at all. Too long, and you will send me off to Georgia, and deal with guilt forever, and have stress and guilt from the time this week is up, up until the time I claim to finally be “over you.” I guess a month is convincing enough. And yet short enough to spare you any more grief than you have to have. Whether or not I will ever allow you to read this, and know the truth, I don’t know. Your belief prior to reading this has been that I finally fell out of love with you, and got over you. But the truth is, you were wrong. I WOULD make a good actor after all. (You said I wouldn’t on Social Interview, and were sadly mistaken) The truth is, I love you with my whole heart. I have never stopped loving you since I started, and I never will. If you are reading this, I would like to apologize firstly for lying to you. I did not intend to throw your trust away or hurt you in any way, only help you. Secondly, I would like to apologize for being such a complete jerk in the past, and all of the pain and stress and drama and lies. Finally, (though these are not the only apologies I owe you, they are the main ones I want to say right now) I would like to apologize for ever telling you that I loved you to begin with. If I could go back like I did in my dream, and tell you I loved you that night, I would. But I didn’t listen to my heart, and it cost me dearly. My goal is to hide these truths from you until I am dead, excommunicated, or incarcerated. Or… Or until (if it is ever even possible in the future) you have feelings for me again. That would be a dream come true. I cannot explain how very literally and metaphorically I meant that. Before I let you read this, I made you promise me that you would feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. That is, if you (most likely) still have no feelings for me at this point. Please Please Please, keep that promise. I want you to feel absolutely no guilt for anything. Any pain I feel is entirely my fault. Also, your guilt is painful for me. I do not want you to feel guilty and miserable; I want you to feel happy. I want you to BE happy, because your happiness makes ME happy. I can’t help but to think how wonderful it would be if you were reading this right now and had feelings for me, any at all. But, being realistic, I don’t want you to feel any guilt. Because as you read this, you most likely do not like me, nor will you ever. And that’s fine. I will always love you. And that’s my problem. I’m happy like this, Jordan. I don’t want to move on. I want to hold onto you forever, no matter how much it hurts. Be happy for me that there is a person that absolutely brightens my life, and gives me hope. It is because of you that I make it through the day. It is because of you that I can withstand anything and numb it out, just to be with you, even if it is as a friend. I’m not asking for much. Just let me love you, and PROMISE me that you will feel no guilt, and won’t send me off to Atlanta, and will be HAPPY for me. That’s all I ask of you. Just stay in my life. In return, I will free you. I will hide any pain I have from you, and be happy for YOU when you find someone that makes you happy. Even when that person isn’t me. I’ve sort of come to the realization that you deserve better than me. Much. So I’m going to let go. I’m going to step aside, and let you live your life instead of ruining yours just because I can’t have you. Could I have been any more ****ing selfish? Just let me love you, and be happy. If you do those two things, I will be happy. And that should make you happy. In return, I will allow you to live your life, and be the best friend that I can possibly be. It’s Thursday night. Tomorrow will be Friday night. This will be my last entry in this journal. I have nothing more to say. What I have said is the truth. It’s sincere, and it’s real. Now that everything has been said, I believe I owe you something… Earlier in this note I promised you something. Something that I mean. Something that I do, have , and Always will be able to truly say. The last words in this note that I want you to know, that I promised you. Words that, every time I say them, I place twenty times more seriousness, twenty times more of my heart, and twenty times more meaning and sincerity behind them: I love you. …….?#########? …..?#############? …?###############? ..?#################?………………?###? ..?##################?……….?#########? ….?#################?……?#############? …….?################?..?###############? ………?################?################? ………..?###############################? …………..?############################? …………….?#########################? ………………?######################? ………………..?###################? ………………….?#################? ……………………?##############? ………………………?###########? ………………………..?#########? ………………………….?#######? ……………………………?#####? ……………………………..?###? ……………………………….?#? …………………………………? …………………………………? ……………………………….? ……………………………..? ……………………………? …………………………? ……………………….? …………………….? ………………….? ………………? ………….? ………? ……? ….? ……?………………….?…? ……….?………….?…………? …………..?…..?……………….? ……………….?…………………? …………….?……?…………..? …………..?………….?….? ………….? THAT IS THE END OF THE JOURNAL I love this girl. If I never see her again, I will always love her. It's not like if she is ripped out of my life I will just get over her because theres no hope of ever seeing her again. I will love her forever, no matter what. I will ALWAYS have feelings for her. Even if I get married. I will never forget her, and my feelings for her will remain. We were warming back up as friends, and she invited me to feed the homeless with her. I asked my parents, and my mom basically didn't feel like it and didn't care at all that it meant the world to me. After negotiating for 30 minutes, I got my step dad to take me. The plan was to go to the high school next to her neighborhood, and call her when we got there so she could give us instructions to her house. When we got there, I called. No answer. I called twenty times for like ten minutes. Nothing. I left messages too. We went back home. I was so disappointed and confused. After she got back home she texted me asking why I never called her. I told her I did, that she never answered. She said she never got any of them. My mom called me from downstairs, and I told her I'd be right back. The argument lasted about an hour. Screaming. Cursing. Blaming. Jordan is scared of my mom, as she sounds very very rude and intimidating when my mom answers the phone. Jordan knows how my parents are. My mom said that I needed to learn my place; that she was going to send me to my dad's house if I didn't do what she said and start treating her with respect. She said that I was to either introduce my friends to her and not be embarrassed of her and my step dad or I would never get to see any of my friends ever again. So basically I either introduce Jordan to them, or move to Georgia where at least I could call/text/IM Jordan as a friend at very least. Jordan had to choose between being quickly introduced to me parents or never seeing me again. Her first response was "so when are you telling your dad you're going to live there?" WHAT THE F*CK. asdfjkl; Horrified and astonished, I asked her why in the world she would rather never see me again than meet my parents. She said "I'm done with this," and didn't talk to me for a day. So that day, I texted her and even emailed her from school, which can get you suspended + loss of computer rights permanently. She never answered. Assuming that it was completely over, that I would never hear from her again, I told her to contact me somehow by 9:59 P.M. the next night, or I would block her on Facebook, block her number, and move, never to hear from her again. I felt short-changed... After everything Ive done from her (a lot more than I have time to list on here), she would rather never see me again than meet my mom. I understand she's scared of her, but seriously?? I thought after everything we had been through that our friendship/relationship was worth THAT, at least.. But no. She would give it up. She responded to me today telling me to chill out, that I was overreacting and making a big deal of it. Maybe I was. But she refused, straight out REFUSED, to tell me if she liked me, if there was no hope (as in she would never have feelings for me again), nothing. She wouldn't tell me WHY she picked my moving over meeting my mom, and she wouldn't answer me. I'm sorry, but I kinda felt like I deserved at least to know IF she would ever talk to me again. She didn't even tell me that when I was assuming that she wasn't going to talk to me again, Much less WHY she didn't want to talk to me ever again. So yeah she said I was overreacting and starting drama, and I have no idea what to do. I love her, and I always will, no matter where life takes me. It hurts so bad to recall her telling me how she felt about me. She told me she liked me, and I asked WHY. To my knowledge, no one had ever liked me like that before. She thought I was crazy. Here is my description of me: I am about a month of crunches away from Taylor Lautner's body, not built, but on the fence between skinny and could-lose-5-or-10-pounds. I am average in looks, a 5 at most on a scale of one to ten. I have a slight gap b/t my front two teeth. I have dark brown hair, not short, but not touching my shoulders. I have been playing guitar for two years and am OKAY. I have an annoying voice and on okay personality. Here was Jordan's description of me: My body is fine the way it is. I am a 9 on the looks scale. I have an amazing smile that makes her heart beat faster. I have pretty hair. I am an amazing guitarist. My voice is fine the way it is and I have an amazing personality and really fun to be around. That is what the person I love told me many months ago. She said she liked me more than she had ever liked anyone else. She thinks she isn't pretty and thinks she has an annoying voice and theres nothing special about her. NOW you see why I thought she LOST HER MIND when she told me what she thought about me, and herself. Like I said, she is as PERFECT as it gets. I love everything about her, including her flaws. I made a huge mistake and I don't know, but it's possible that it cost me the love of my life. Ive had many girlfriends and crushes or whatever and I have NEVER felt like this about someone. She said stop being so dramatic, to decide if I want to stay in her life or not, and said bye because she had to go to dance, which is where she is now. Stupid question. Do I want to stay in Jordan's life? Probably the funniest question I've heard in a year or so. So yeah. I don't want to lose her. Even if it means having her only as a friend for the rest of my life. I will secretly love her, but hide it to protect our friendship. And if possible, I want a relationship with her. just two days ago we were talking on the phone literally 5 HOURS EVERY NIGHT. She tells me to call her EVERY DAY. She also sent me this song by taylor swift multiple times: I like the way you sound in the morning We're on the phone and without a warning I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard I like the way I can't keep my focus I watch you talk, you didn't notice I hear the words but all I can think is We should be together Every time you smile, I smile And every time you shine, I'll shine for you Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby Don't be afraid to Jump then fall Jump then fall into me Be there, never gonna leave you Say that you wanna be with me too So I'm a stay through it all So jump then fall I like the way your hair falls in your face You got the keys to me I love each freckle on your face, oh I've never been so wrapped up, honey I like the way you're everything I ever wanted I had time to think it oh, over And all I can say is come closer Take a deep breath then jump then fall into me Cause Every time you smile, I smile And every time you shine, I'll shine for you Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby Don't be afraid to Jump then fall Jump then fall into me Be there, never gonna leave you Say that you wanna be with me too So I'm a stay through it all So jump then fall The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet I'll catch you, I'll catch you And people say things that bring you to your knees I'll catch you The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry But I'll hold you through the night until you smile Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby Don't be afraid, please Jump then fall Jump then fall into me Be there, never gonna leave you Say that you wanna be with me too So I'm a stay through it all So jump then fall Jump then fall baby Jump then fall into me, into me Every time you smile, I smile And every time you shine, I shine And every time you're here Baby I'll show you, I'll show you You can Jump then fall, jump then fall Jump then fall into me, into me, yeah She played it a few times while we were on the phone recently, and she reminds me how much she loves that song on a daily basis. its her ringtone now. I thought things were going great... I hadn't mentioned anything about "us," just made smalltalk and enjoyed her conversation. Things were improving though, looking like we could be in a relationship soon. And out of nowhere, she "is done with this." It makes no sense. I need help figuring this out. What is she thinking??? Does she like me??? Can I get her back??? Why did she suddenly flip out and act so eager to give up our friendship??? HOW DO I KEEP HER IN MY LIFE???
Author AllHopeRemains Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 She just got back and messaged me asking if I'm done with my annoyingness. I said yes. SO CONFUSED.. Im going to take a deep breath and hope that it was nothing. That I have a chance.
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Ummm nobody has the time or patience to read a book. Give us the reader's digest version if you want/expect an answer.
annxxdisaster Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I'd like to know how old you both are, or at least you.
Lizzie60 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 What was the question again? Sorry dude.. but I doubt anyone will have the time or the patience to read such a long post... can you summarize in 10-20 lines.. please. thank you
Author AllHopeRemains Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 We're both 16. I actually think my questions have been answered for the most part... By typing the whole story up, I kinda got to see the whole picture objectively and make more sense of the whole thing. She was stressed out, as was I. Just a bump in the road.
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Well that's settled then.... We're so behind with the Simpsons here in the UK.... But I guess that's just another bump in the road.... In the end, you know, it's all cow fodder. no more than that.
Lizzie60 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 We're both 16. I actually think my questions have been answered for the most part... By typing the whole story up, I kinda got to see the whole picture objectively and make more sense of the whole thing. She was stressed out, as was I. Just a bump in the road. Aaaahhh sweet 16... everything is 'dramatized' at that age... good for you that all is in order now..
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