thoughts on emailing ...

[silverplanets]

Hi all,

 

Might I ask for a quick bit of advice ...

 

After reading a number of posts etc i am not convinced that my MW really understands that me being NC and stating that it's divorce papers in hand or nothing means that I actually DO still want a relationship, but only a proper one.

 

There is a chance (probably quite large) that, due to the emotions of that time, she just thinks I've let her down.

 

I've been NC for 3 months and don't want to loose all I have gained for myself in that, but then again, some posts have made me realise that perhaps I could have communicated my thoughts better.

 

What does anyone think?

 

Should I send a short message (email would be the obvious choice) and if so , how do I express it in a positive manner without looking weak and needy (which I don't think I am) ...

 

I am more than happy for her to stay where she is, come to me or (preferrably) get a D, take some time to get her head straight and THEN come to me ...

 

I just don't see how she could have inferred that from our last communications .. :-(

 

Any thoughts/suggestions greatly appreciated, esp from MW who have been/are in her situation ...

 

(I know for a fact she did tell him thay she wanted a D this year (finally) but she just seemed to get bogged down by the realities of doing it and then it all got a bit silly !!!) ..

 

Thanks in advance and also a hello to everyone .. it's so liberating to find other people in similar situations .. makes me feel less isolated !

 

Oh - and feel free to just tell me if you think I'm subconsciously seeking the thrill from contact ... I don't think I am because I really am pretty happy now as I am ... and will never go back to that trampled on person who was stuck in the toxic triangle ..

 

However, it would be great to meet her if she was free later in life .. and damn silly if she remained where she was cause she felt abandoned ...

 

thanks

 

Chris

 

ps: be gentle if you think I'm just getting sucked back in :-)

[Hazyhead]

That's a really tricky one, Chris. I'm probably not the best to advise you on this as I'm struggling with the NC myself and what I'm going to suggest is most likely ridiculously stupid (please shake me to my senses fellow posters, if so), but... could you 'accidently' run into her?

[silverplanets]

Thanks Hazyhead .. don't think your idea is any crazier than my emaling one .... on the practical side though she lives 80 miles away and we share no "in common" locations .. she would prob meet me for coffee if I suggested, but I'm not sure i trust myself in person not to ask "so are you leaving" over and over again !!!

[Hazyhead]

Thanks Hazyhead .. don't think your idea is any crazier than my emaling one .... on the practical side though she lives 80 miles away and we share no "in common" locations .. she would prob meet me for coffee if I suggested, but I'm not sure i trust myself in person not to ask "so are you leaving" over and over again !!!

 

Gotcha. Scrap that then. I can understand how you're feeling. I would probably feel the same and in a couple of months this may well be me posting advice on whether sitting outside his house in a borrowed car just to get an idea of how things are playing out is a good idea. Like I said, probably not the best for advice right now.

 

If you are going to email her keep it brief and light, letting her casually know she is still in your thoughts, yet you're doing ok.

 

Maybe...

[reboot]

Personal opinion? You're just looking for an excuse.

[Heather1]

You'll go right back to square one!! If you can, sweat it out. I know it's really hard.

[silverplanets]

I would probably feel the same and in a couple of months this may well be me posting advice on whether sitting outside his house in a borrowed car just to get an idea of how things are playing out is a good idea.

 

This made me laugh .. esp the "borrowed car" bit ...

 

It's so refreshing to find people in a smilar situation ...:-)

 

I'm kind of in an OK position in that (I think) I don't mind not knowing .. I really am concentrating on me and my daughter .. and we're having a wonderfull time.

 

There's just that nagging doubt I have that loosing my rag and saying "Oh for Christ's sake get some integrity" in a phone call, followed by (from her) "OK - so I will get divorced and then come to you", and then me "do what you like - I'm now waiting around" was perhaps not the best way of explaining what I meant

 

We did have a subsequent "discussion" but by that time all that came out of my mouth was "I don't want a relationship with a married woman" ad infinitum ....

 

So I;m not sure she really got what I meant ...

 

Oh well, ce la vie I suppose !

[silverplanets]

Personal opinion? You're just looking for an excuse.

 

Personal opinions are the only one's that count ...

 

I think I just needed someone to tell me the obvious !

[silverplanets]

You'll go right back to square one!! If you can, sweat it out. I know it's really hard.

 

Yes, that's what scares me ....

 

I can't quite work out what scares me more .. going back to square 1 of the thought that I really didn't explain myself that well (which I didn't !!)

 

I guess any attempt I make now is only going to make it worse !!!

[silverplanets]

"do what you like - I'm now waiting around"

 

whoops .. should have read NOT waiting around !

[reboot]

I'd say it's pretty unlikely she misunderstood.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Yes its that "left unsaid" thing that you're now wondering about. What if she doesn't come to me after the D because she didn't know she could. Yeah I get that thought too. Trust me, 3 months NC is quite an accomplishment and I admire that. I'd say ride it out. It will only set you back getting anything from her. I live in that daily hell right now. Every few days my MW breaks her own requested NC. It kills me.

 

Hang in there, I think she knows.

[silverplanets]

Congratulations silverplanets for getting past all that hurt and that pain and getting yourself to a better place in life. You should feel quite proud of yourself.

 

 

It's a tricky question you asked and I'm hesitate about giving you advice but with that said.....I think you posted a response over on my thread that I started about dealing with the STBXW and I'm not assuming you know my story but just to give you a little peace of it in that it relates to your question. He and I had very little contact after our affair, but we did keep very casual contact by email for about 3 years. Our contact was usually weeks and sometimes months in-between and we did not discuss any hint of a future of us together nor did we discuss our intimate personal relationships with others. It was mostly just a hello, how are you and how is work kinda thing, but yet I'm not so dense as to think that our limited contact did not cause us to think of each other in other not so chaste ways, but we never discussed those feelings, much less acted on them. That worked for me and it worked for him because it was handled in the same way as you would any other casual friend that you keep in touch with.

 

Just be very cautious with your heart.

 

Thanks BB07 .. Having been divorced before I kind of know deep down that even IF she decided right now to go for it then (since she has two kids) we are talking at least 1-2 years before it's all sorted .. and prob more like 3 until her head is in a clear enough to place to really make an objective assessment about being with someone new ...

 

I have relucantantly acknowledged to myself that even if she came runningn to me with fresh divorce papers in hand that I would be running a huge risk of actually making her situation worse and not better if I started an R with her at that time.

 

Of course in 3 years people can change, and especially if they are coming out of a long term relationship.

 

If anything, then unltimately, assuming that I still felt the same way and she was divorced and had dealt with all the demons etc what I would want was that she chose to be with me then, freely and genuinly ... without a chance that it was driven by insecurity or the need to escape a crappy marriage ...

 

I don't want to be in a LTR with someone who gets into it for the wrong reasons ... for one thing it's not fair on my daughter .. and for another I've wasted enough of my life on "inappropriate" relationships ...

 

I'm actually not against being occasional friends eventually but again, I am nowhere near ready for that yet and would want to make sure that my inner self was fully protected and my boundries clear ..

 

Right now I'm not sure i'd trust myself in a R with anyone ... and being aware of that kinda keeps me in check .. which is a good thing I think :-)

 

Thanks

Chris

[silverplanets]

Yes its that "left unsaid" thing that you're now wondering about. What if she doesn't come to me after the D because she didn't know she could. Yeah I get that thought too. Trust me, 3 months NC is quite an accomplishment and I admire that. I'd say ride it out. It will only set you back getting anything from her. I live in that daily hell right now. Every few days my MW breaks her own requested NC. It kills me.

 

Hang in there, I think she knows.

 

Thanks WTGFH, funny thing is i wasn't worried about the left unsaid thing until I was browsing some posts earlier and one from a MW made me thing that perhaps (well, ok, definately) I could have phrased it better !!!

 

The trouble is at that time I was anything BUT calm ..

 

I don't think I am going to do it .. posting it here has kind of allowed me to "test" it and I kind of agree with everyone, I can't see how it will help.

 

I've kind of got used to accepting that every one and again (for no particular reason) I get thougts of her going round and round in my head ... whereas on other days they are generally less now.

 

Rather than act on those thoughts I now just try and acknowledge "ah, we seem to be having one of those days today Chris"

 

For me that has helped ... I acknowledge the "off day" rather than the thoughts itself ...

 

Hang in there yourself ... my early days were practically biting my arm to keep myself from emailing ... so I know how it is ...

[silverplanets]

I'd say it's pretty unlikely she misunderstood.

 

thanks .. I think I needed to be told that

[whichwayisup]

Her leaving her marriage should have NOTHING TO DO with you. And what I mean by that is, if she thinks you won't be there afterwards and decides to stay married, then she's either afraid to be alone, or doesn't want to get divorced. If she divorces, reguardless if you're waiting or not, shouldn't make a difference to her..That is, IF she is leaving because her marriage can't be fixed and she isn't inlove with her H anymore.

[silverplanets]

if she thinks you won't be there afterwards and decides to stay married, then she's either afraid to be alone, or doesn't want to get divorced.

 

Thanks wwu ...

 

She has said many times that she would only leave to be with me (and no I never took this in an ego-massage way) so I guess I just worry that if she doesn't realise I do care then she'll go back to that mentality.

 

Unfortunately this stance of hers is exactly what has led to the current train wreck .. she didn't seem to understand that this was a constant threat to me (especially given the previous let downs) and in the end it just felt to me like it was being used as a stick on me in negotiating a "best landing" for her ...

 

if she wasn;'t happy with anything or if I disagreed with anything then that would translate as me not being there for her ergo there would be no reason for her to leave him.

 

I tried to be reasonable and understand this and be flexible, but in the end it just got daft .. I challenged her once to email me her honest "conditions" that she would leave, she never could (I expect because writing it would have made clear how unreal she was being) but if she had I expect it would have been something like

a) her husband dissapeared

b) I appeared

c) EVERYTHING else remain unchanged

 

Anway, it's a new day here, tomorrow gets ticked off in my book as a "too many thoughts of her day" and today .... well my mind is clearer and today is going to be ticked of as a "I am worth putting first" day :-)